Eleven year old girl is overeating

I would recommend you stop commenting on her food completely. Unless her pediatrician is concerned, then you should not be focusing on this during this age. If her pediatrician is concerned, then let her lead the conversations and stick strictly to her advice. I mean this with all respect and empathy, but I am worried that you focusing too much on this is making the problem worse, now and in the future. She almost certainly does feel judged. I would recommend some books for you to read on how to balance the tough job of raising an almost-teen girl. It's not easy! Here is one: https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Teen-Girl-Communication-Connection/dp/…

Kudos to you for supporting her developing healthy eating habits and not feeling judged! Maybe just get rid of all the junk food in the house (instead of aiming to have not "too much"); tell her you are embracing a new healthier diet (i.e. it's not about her) and have an unlimited supply of apple slices, carrot sticks and other healthy things she can snack on endlessly available. I find it way easier to just tell my kids we don't have any ice cream than to try to limit how often and how much they eat when it's in the freezer. You can always support a local ice cream shop when it's time for a treat. If it's meals and not desserts that are an issue try making more veggies / vegan food. Or some other cuisine where you don't have to worry so much about portion control because it's always healthy to eat more broccoli and whole grains. 

Hi, I'm sorry you are in this situation. Food and body issues with girls is so tricky -- I am dealing with the opposite issue with my almost 13 year old, and we think it stems from depression. I don't have any advice specifically about overeating, but I wonder if you've talked to your daughter's pediatrician? She might have some good suggestions and insight. Our pediatrician recommended the book Untangled, by Lisa Damour. I've found it very, very helpful -- in particular, the first 3 or 4 chapters are pertinent to this age group (later chapters will come in handy when they are older). Best wishes to you and your family.

First of all, kudos to you for not wanting her to feel judged and/or criticized. I started overeating when I was 11 yo (6th grade), right around the time when I started menstruating. My parents made a big deal out of it. To the point of offering me money to lose weight! I know they meant well, but it led to lifetime body dysmorphia issues, including a period of bulimia during my college years.

If you haven't talked with her pediatrician already, I would recommend doing so. Maybe this is puberty-related, or maybe there are stressors going on in her life that are causing her to overeat. But if her pediatrician clears her for a balanced eating program, I highly recommend Weight Watchers for teens. I participate in Weight Watchers (now called WW) for adults, and it's been a game changer. The app is easy and fun to use, and I've learned so much about the real science of healthy eating and weight loss. The teen program puts more emphasis on healthy eating rather than weight loss, in order to support their growing minds and prevent body dysmorphia.

Best of luck to you and your girl! Making sure she knows she is loved just the way she is right now is the most important thing.

Hi there, I can hear how much you care about your pre-teen and want her to live a healthy lifestyle. So you will be interested to know that promoting diet culture and focusing on a child's weight is actually incredibly detrimental to their emotional and mental health. It can set her up to have an eating disorder and a negative relationship with food and her body for the rest of her life. She is eating a lot because she is growing. As a pre-teen, she needs to gain weight - fat specifically - to use as fuel for growing into a teen. The way that she will learn to regulate her food consumption is by 1) learning to trust her own body and the signals her body is telling her, 2) being modeled what regulated eating looks like by trusted adults, and 3) having support to counter the idea that girls must be a certain size to be worthy or valuable. Please, for the sake of your wonderful pre-teen, reconsider your approach to food in your relationship with your daughter. 

Here are some articles that may be a helpful starting point:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/being-fat-not-moral-failure-teach-kids_l…

https://suzannahneufeld.com/how-to-talk-to-kids-and-other-humans-about-…

https://www.edcatalogue.com/impact-weight-stigma-children/

https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org

https://www.parentmap.com/article/diet-culture-body-positivity-kids-hea…

Sorry to hear about this. My son enjoyed food very much but I definitely did not want him to self conscious but he was definitely gaining a lot of weight. We found out recently he has inattentive adhd and exercise and diet are one of the best things to put them on so that they don't have the highs and lows of sugar crashing so we put him on a keto diet and I relearned how to cook his faves or new recipes so.he can still eat a lot. He has been on it for 6 months and lost a lot of weight and he rejoined the swim team. I was a swimmer in high-school and spending anytime over an hour in a pool 5 days a week really does wonders to your body. In 6 months he has lost 30 lbs and leaned out and he so much more confident. I'm glad it came more naturally than making him on a diet because it really has a huge effect on his adhd. You can substitute monk fruit sweetner or serve and almond flour in your baking etc. There's a ton of info on keto out there. It wa a shit for me because I was a vegetarian for almost 6 years and now we eat mostly animal products but the weight and energy had been profound. it has changed him and its also curbed his appetite and he's finding he's not snacking randomly but when he eats he is actually full. The downside is it is expensive and time consuming. I meal prep a lot and buy a lot of groceries so it is expensive esp. When we don't do anytime processed and try to be organic when we can.

We had the same issue with my son. We had Kaiser and our pediatrician referred us to a program they had at the time that was (surprisingly) very helpful. It was an afternoon workshop for parents and kids with a doctor and a nutritionist. They taught us about serving sizes and nutrition, and broke down the parents’ responsibilities (to provide healthy food) and the kids’ responsibilities (to resist extra treats/make good choices). At the end, they had us set some goals and the pediatrician tracked my son’s progress in future appointments. It was so helpful to take it off the parent-child dynamic. Good luck!

If you focus on providing super healthy (and yummy), light foods, salads and veggies, then she can eat as much as she wants!

No advice, just wanted to share that I have a similar issue with my 11 yo daughter. She overeats, refuses to exercise and accuses me of “fat shaming” whenever I try to talk about health and healthier choices. I’m curious to see other people’s responses and suggestions. 

Oh this is hard and I feel for you. Of course as a parent we want our kids to be happy and healthy and we know that being in the bigger body in this society is not easy. I know that your desire to help your daughter eat less comes from a place of love. And it seems like you already know that if you try to monitor or regulate how much she is eating it will not work and will likely make things worse. First, it’s important to acknowledge that increased appetite and weight gain is normal and expected in late childhood and early puberty. When this happens, bodies are doing what they are designed to do for developmental reasons. This is normal. Unfortunately it’s also the case that kids at this age experience insecurity about their changing bodies. Our choices as parents with regard to dieting, weight management, self-talk, and judging of bodies tell them all they need to know about whether their body is acceptable to us or not.  Shame does not have a positive correlation with health or intuitive eating. As early as preschool kids absorb the message that fat is bad and that they can’t trust their own bodies to tell them when they are hungry and when they are full. Some kids gain weight at the onset of puberty and end up thin a few years later and stay that way. Others reach maturity in a bigger body. Body diversity is normal. Diets don’t work (at least 95% of them anyway, and mostly ultimately lead to weight gain) and thinness does not equal health. We all fail our kids when we neglect to teach them that body diversity is not something for humans to overcome, that all bodies are good bodies, and that all bodies are equally deserving of unconditional love. I’m in the early stages of my own education on this topic and I’m coming at it both as a parent and as a woman who has dieted since being a teenager. The good news is that there are tons of amazing resources on this. There is a great book called How to Raise an Intuitive Eater by Summer Brooks and Aimee Severson which covers a lot of these issues. I also recommend you check out Virginia Sole-Smith’s newsletter Burnt Toast on substack and listen to her podcast.  She has a ton of published articles as well (and a great book). The podcast Food Psych hosted by Christy Harrison is also excellent, as is her book Anti-Diet. I also think that the work that Lexie and Lindsay Kite are doing promoting body image resilience is pretty awesome and would benefit any pre-teen or teen girl (as well as women of any age). Check out their book More Than a Body. And be kind to yourself- this is not easy and if you are anything like me and most of the people I know, requires doing a lot of unlearning and challenging of deeply-held beliefs. 

You might want to listen to “The Maintenance Phase” to avoid some pitfalls. 

As a grown woman who also loved eating as a child, I believe that far greater long-term damage can be done by encouraging a child to lose weight than by her being overweight. There is already huge societal pressure for girls to be skinny, and disordered eating is more common in girls and women who diet as a child. I believe allowing her to listen to her body and showing her that you love and support her no matter what she looks like are the best approach. 

I'm not sure I have much advice but plenty of sympathy. The best we can do is model healthy eating habits and try to get them involved in activities that promote exercise and good health. Can you get her interested in riding her bike? Rock climbing? Dancing? Martial arts? Any kind of movement helps! Genetics are also a huge piece of the puzzle - did this happen to you or your partner/partner's family? Some pre-teens go through this 'chubby' growing stage and emerge just fine, like toddler growth spurts. Our culture is so obsessed with weight and it's doubly hard on girls - just make sure you keep telling her how much you love her - I've found that reinforcing their inherent beauty is a big help eventually, so rather than criticize (which I understand you aren't) just try to let her know she is beautiful and hopefully she can internalize that as she continues to grow towards a healthier her. One last thought - I know for myself and my teen that doing some short fast (intentional or not) can help make you feel like your stomach has 'shrunk' and will keep you from overeating - just something like not eating until brunch on a weekend  - or taking a weekend hike where you don't finish until 1 or 2.....or having her drink a full glass of water before a meal - these things help. My unofficial theory is that as we start overeating we stretch out our stomachs, and then we just keep trying to fill it up! (be kind experts out there LOL) Good luck!!  You're not alone!

I recommend checking out Ellyn Satter's work. She has a framework called Division of Responsibilities (DoR) that will help with this very issue! You can read about it in her book 'Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family' and she has a website that can be helpful. 

Hi! How do you know she "eats too much" at nearly every meal? I would say there is no such thing as "liking food too much". Kids that age go through a growth spurt - and accordingly, they often grow "out" before they grow "up". My advice is to leave her alone. Your job is to provide the food. Her job is to decide whether she eats and how much she eats. Period. 

You may find this page and the links on it helpful: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/the-division-of-respon…

I have a favorite podcast called "didn't I just feed you?"  it does not focus specifically on this issue.  It is 2 moms who are professional cooks who just talk a lot about recipes, cooking, test kitchen stuff, cookbooks and food in general.    At times a bit of a reach for me as an average jane home cook, but I still really like listening to them.  They mention food & body image but they don't dwell.  They keep it positive and steer toward being balanced, healthy and happy, which includes dessert.    

Have you considered your kid might be on a growth spurt?  My kid acts like they have a hollow leg during those times, and can't seem to get enough ramen/pasta/mac & cheese, then is suddenly an inch taller with a return to more regulated eating.   I make sure to have some simple vegetables like bokchoy or frozen peas & corn  so my only comment is to say,  "fine, but add some veggies to it." 

In my personal life, I have found a couple of things to be helpful.  One is to focus on making a colorful plate... we call it eating a rainbow.  I find it helps to improve overall satisfaction and also nutrition, but without too much thinking involved.  It can be fun to work with kids on that take them grocery shopping and ask for their help in choosing colorful things they would like to eat this way.   You can make rainbow combos for dinner plate, snack plate, lunchbox, and more.  The other is to brainstorm and keep in mind a short list of special foods feel like a treat but are also healthy.  (My top 2 are salmon or a well made kale salad, my kid is surprisingly happy about some favorite soups. Your things will be different.)  To be perfectly clear, I and my family eat plenty of not-so-healthy things, but when we decide to focus on eating better, starting with our healthy favorites or focusing on a colorful plate really helps. 

I'm curious how you know she "likes food too much" and eats too much at every meal. What's wrong with liking food? It's one of the joys of life! Does she feel sick or physically uncomfortable afterward? Is she identifying that she feels like she can't control her eating? Or is the issue that you see her gaining weight? I think it can be helpful to really isolate the issue and whose issue it is, hers or yours. I would probably take a less direct approach in making sure we're communicating about how she's doing, if anything is bothering her, etc without connecting it to food, unless SHE connects it to food. Practically speaking, I think limiting junk food in the house or having equity rules like "everyone gets a first serving before anyone gets seconds" could help, or you could make less food for dinner so seconds aren't an option for anyone? Making sure everyone is doing active things together? Encouraging her to find activities she enjoys? If she likes preparing food maybe a cooking class? But personally I have found that scrutiny and criticism of what or how I eat (from parents and partners) has never helped and only hurt both my relationship to food and to them.

Sorry, I forgot to mention that I've heard good things about the Podcast "Food Psych" by Christy Harrison, and also "Body Kindness" and "Maintenance Phase." Maybe they would be useful for you or your daughter, or even to listen to together! 

Hi! I'd recommend looking into the world of intuitive eating: book, podcast episodes, etc. It's all about building our skills in listening to our bodies and loving, rather than shaming, them. If you are on Instagram, you may also appreciate the @feedinglittles account.

Just an observation but this post is super judge-y so if she feels judged at home I challenge you to look inward. We all have different body types and one is not better than another. She might not balance with exercise now, but maybe one day she will. I wasn't active until my 20s. She might need extra calories now and should be allowed to honor her body and choices. I see a post where you as her mother are sending the message to us that she and her body is bad and that's sad because she's getting that same message from you every day. I understand you're likely trying to come from the "right place" but you need to give her space to be who she is, not who you want her to be. Perhaps check out bodyimage_therapist on instagram or other positive body image sites out there to help guide you in your conversations with your daughter. I have two kids so I get that you want them be healthy but there isn't just one way or one body type to reach that goal. 

Hi, when I was eleven I started to have this huge appetite and would come home from school each day and eat a huge sandwich with cold cuts and pickles and lettuce and mayo, plus a bag of chips and a bowl of ice cream. I was chowing down like crazy and was just always hungry. I got a little chubby and then had this huge growth spurt, probably like 6 inches of height in maybe 8 months, and thinned back to average and my appetite went back to "normal."  So it's possible your child is experiencing similar and her body is just getting ready for a growth spurt. I recommend against limiting quantity of food - just be sure to provide healthy meals with plenty of vegetables and whole foods and let her eat until she is full. I would assume if you make a point of monitoring it, that could lead her to feel bad or develop an unhealthy feeling about food. For not balancing it with exercise, can you do some active things as a family? If you're not a sporty household, even just doing a daily family walk after dinner or doing weekend things like mini-golf or having a picnic and frisbee at the park can be more active. Sorry, I know I'm not answering your question about books or podcasts, I just instantly thought about my experience when I was a preteen as soon as I saw your post!

Hi! I was an 11 year old just like your daughter and in my case, I was over-eating as a coping mechanism for anxiety and the loneliness I experienced due to my parents' emotional neglect. It sounds like you're a deeply caring parent who's really attuned to your daughter (which is already a much better place than my parents were in), but - with respect - it also sounds like you are wanting her to be different than she is, which I imagine she picks up on - and is likely making it harder for her to self-regulate. It's clear you have the best intentions, and it's realy important not to operate from a place of fear of her weight, because that could make things worse. My parents restricted and hid sweets, which made my bingeing worse and sent me down a path of eating struggles for 20 years. Instead, I would focus on the needs behind this behavior (rather than trying to change the behavior itself) and try to meet those needs while also making sure that you're not restricting food, because restriction often leads to bingeing. What is leading her to eat more than she has in the past? Is it possibly a growth spurt? Could it be anxiety, depression, or self-esteem challenges? The data shows that that pandemic is creating a real mental health crisis for children right now, so I wonder if that's at play for her. 

It sounds like your daughter (and possibly you too) could benefit from the support of a therapist, who can help her/you both understand what is beneath this behavior (which may also be a growth spurt or natural response to restriction/noticing you're worried about her eating and feel ashamed about that). The pre-teen years are such a formative time and eating disorders often crop up at this time, so I'd get some professional support for your daughter if at all feasible - but not with the lens of trying to change her/the way she's eating, but instead with the lens of trying to understand what is coming up for her and to support her. I also highly recommend checking out Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility for feeding/eating, which is an evidece-based way to help children build a healthy relationship with food: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/child-feeding-ages-and…;

Best of luck to you and your family! 

I had binge eating tendencies as a kid and I still struggle with it today (36.) I went through a period where I was bulimic. In retrospect I was clearly managing my "big feelings" about my parent's deteriorating marriage, then divorce, then puberty with food. I SO wish I had been able to talk to a therapist at the time who could have helped me learn new and productive ways of identifying my feelings and coping.

I don't doubt this could be part of a growth spurt or developmentally appropriate hunger, but for the sake of your daughter please consider letting her explore her emotions and reactions with a therapist. The eating could be a clue into something else that's going on with her. Good luck. 

You have received so many thoughtful responses here -- I'm heartened to see so many people advocating for intuitive eating, Ellyn Satter, etc. I was just like your daughter at 11, and relearning how to eat intuitively in my 20s rescued me from a very difficult decade of binge eating and bulimia. It all started with good-intentioned portion control and "eating healthy."

I have a great mom and she did her best to help me navigate, but this is what I wish she would have known: It truly doesn't matter how tender, discreet, or tactful you aim to be. She will either eat in front of you, knowing that you accept her unconditionally as she learns to identify her own feelings around food. OR she will eat in secret. Period. She will learn to lie to you, and she will come to believe that your love and acceptance for her is tied to size of her portions or the size of her waist.

As a woman in this world, there will be no shortage of diet partners, accountability buddies, weight loss groups, etc., that she will encounter. You do not need to perform this role. They will cheer for her when she loses weight and pity her when she gains it -- I hope YOU will be the person with whom she can simply exist and laugh and BE, through it all, while she finds her way. It can be a very difficult journey, but she must take it alone. All you need to do is love her unconditionally… and that is a hard enough job in itself! Because sometimes that will involve actively shaking off your own preferences and biases and expectations.  

In a nutshell: Our relationships with our mothers are complicated, and our relationships with food and body image are complicated. You will both benefit by keeping those two subjects separate. Don't comment on any of it, and this most definitely includes comments that are meant to be positive.  

Last thought: If she is eating beyond the point of fullness as you suspect, she probably IS feeling out of control, wishing she could eat less, and beating herself up over it. Instituting structure or restrictions around food may seem like the way to reclaim control, but unfortunately this can turn into an eating disorder faster than you can possibly imagine. I've written a lot about how this happened to me, in case it is helpful to read a first-person perspective. All the best to you and your daughter. xoxo

https://sixmonthstosanity.com/2019/03/06/control-isnt-coming/ 

https://sixmonthstosanity.com/2016/10/20/what-if-you-had-never-heard-th…