Divorce and the housing market
I'll try to keep this short. My kid just started kindergarten at a good public school in an expensive area and is happy. My husband and I are cash-poor renters, but our salaries are reasonably high. I have very little experience with or knowledge of divorce. I'm not in a marriage I am sure I need to leave -- things are friendly and we love each other; I think we're just unhappy living together and would be happier if we separated. (We are certainly both unhappy, but in general we haven't blamed the marriage and have tried to support each other.) However, I can't see how we could afford to rent two apartments in this area, and I would not want our households to be far apart for the kid's sake. I worry that I'm acting in bad faith keeping things together because of the prohibitive cost of housing. At the same time, that may be the best decision for my family. Has anyone been in this position situationally (details of the marriage may vary, obviously)? What did you do? Are there ways for couples to give each other very large amounts of space and time apart while living in the same not-very-big apartment? Thanks for your time and advice -- and if I may politely ask, please try not to rely on advising me to get therapy; I have been seeing multiple therapists and practitioners for decades. I am looking for information about housing situations. Thank you.
Parent Replies
My husband and I have, in the past, talked about splitting up and logistically how that would work with the kids, especially in such an expensive housing market. We own a live/work condo where the bottom floor has a separate entrance and we considered having him move down there temporarily. We decided to keep working through our issues and things are getting better for us. But, maybe you could find something similar or have you considered a larger apartment where you could each have your own bedroom? That might be too cost prohibitive for you but something to consider.
I am taking time I don't have to respond to this one. I hope you'll really consider my comments.
These are nowhere near good enough reasons to separate or divorce and rip apart the safety and security of your child's world. YES there are MANY ways you and your husband can creatively give each other the "space" or whatever it takes to be more content, without destroying a family. You will indeed double your expenses if you divorce and maintain 2 homes. You will also force your child to move between those (crappier, smaller) homes for this rest of his childhood. Five is too young to have much say in this decision - but just wait until he's 8-9-10-11-12 +++ and he asks why you and his dad divorced. What answer will you give? I am speaking from experience - it just gets harder and sadder as they get older and more aware. You say you're on friendly terms and you try to support one another - that's because neither of you, apparently, is in love with someone new YET. The moment that happens, everything changes. Think you can trust that your husband will never move 2+ hours away from your child? Guess again. Mine hasn't (yet) but I know several parents that have done that to pursue a new love, and have made their children a lower priority than the ex spouse ever imagined possible. You will lose influence over your husbands decisions in any area of his life - but, his new decisions will affect you and your child in the deepest possible ways for the next 15 years at least.
So: Ideas could include - each of you take up some new interest or group that gets you out of the house doing something cool every week or two - share what happens, but pursue the interest alone. Try for each of you to give the other 1 night a week in the house with your child, alone. Go to a class, the library, a movie, volunteer. Be BUSY and productive, and don't waste energy ruminating.
I will add that in my opinion time apart isn't actually the answer - I think you'd find long term happiness in finding new fun things to do as a couple, always having a date night every week, and reconnecting. You can do both - have more space, and more rich togetherness.
And, sorry but IMO you absolutely need therapy - not couples therapy, therapy for YOU and maybe an anti-depressant. That you've done it for years says plenty ... just remember: **No matter where you go, there you are.** These are wise words.
I don't understand what you mean "unhappy living together." I have lived with many people and as long as they did their dishes and kept the music volume low, it didn't affect my happiness. If there are problems, I would try to address those; agree to an hour once a week to talk things over and make improvements. If you need time apart and space, work that out together. Maybe a bigger apartment in which you could each have your own bedroom would help. Or, you can spend time outside of the home pursuing hobbies or activities. Yes, couples can give each other time and space even in very small spaces. If there are no problems, then you need to stop expecting your spouse to make you happy. Figure out what makes you happy and go after it.