Daughter Dissing Her Ex- in Front of the Kids
My 28-year-old daughter, the mother of two children--barely 4 and almost 2-- has separated from her husband. She is angry with him, and with good reason to some extent (they both need better communication skills, but his are terrible), and she'll criticize him when the kids are with us: for example, "Well, he just texted that he's too busy to come see them on his day off!" "He SAID he was going to take care of this, and didn't, as usual!" The children don't appear to pay attention, but I can't believe the 4-year-old isn't picking up on this. However, the last time I visited, neither one seemed unhappy, and so far there's been no noticeable regression.
My daughter does make genuine efforts to make sure he's included in their lives, while he, usually a loving father, is so hurt and upset that he complains about trivia, and makes excuses not to have the kids 50%. At this point in her life, she wants my approval and sympathy, and doesn't take kindly to unsolicited advice. My daughter lives at a distance and I don't see see her often, although we are emotionally pretty close. I deeply dislike her being negative about their father in front of the kids. I've talked, in a general way, about the subject to her, and she agrees in theory, but seemingly can't resist the verbal jabs. I've also recommended counseling; he's getting a little, and my daughter says she can't afford it right now. Is there anything else I can do, apart from changing the subject when the children are around? Any good books on the topic?
Parent Replies
Having been a child of divorce, and being at one time a divorced person, I understand both sides of this coin. Both parties need to get into some good therapy to work on their individual issues and concerns. You are correct that overtime her comments about their father will make a difference and it won't be good for either parent. She should look in her area for free counseling, as some of that exist. There are good divorce books, check out Barnes and Nobles and you can find them. You might want to tell her that while you get the is hurt, angry, and all the other emotions she is having during this process, that making unkind remarks about their dad will only hurt her relationship with her children in the long run. If she needs and outlet, she should talk to you or her friends. In the mean time, she could also look at doing joint counseling with her husband to see if they can put their marriage back together or really make the decision to divorce. The counselor can assist them to get to a better place. Good luck.
Hi - I'm with you. I hope in time your daughter can stop using harmful language which hurts her kids and their relationship with their father. Recommend Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon Strand Ellison.It's a book on non-defensive communication. There are other books on topic. I heard Ellison speak at a political meeting for Sister District workshop on how to speak to folks with differing views...it all applies to families as well. You are right of course - the 4 year old is picking this up. It is not healthy. Their father needs to be more involved rather than less. Good luck.
It sounds like they would benefit from an empathy practice - they don't seem to be hearing each other. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg is a great place to start.