Considering "conscious uncoupling"
I'm 43 y/o in a loveless marriage, mainly because of my own feelings of complete disconnect and disinterest. If not for our son, I would have divorced long ago. Not because my husband is bad, but because I feel dead around him. I'm alive with and around almost anyone else. Being around him just sucks the light out of me. I can get through this marriage on principle because we have a child and he is a good father -- that's what I have been doing this whole time. However, I am afraid of the terrible example being set for our son of what it means to be in a relationship. I see the same passion and intensity in our son that I used to have. Now my fire is gone the moment I'm around my husband and that's when my son sees me the most. It's all I can do to suppress the deep unhappiness I feel -- better to act dead than show my feelings through overt conflict or volatility around our son. Or so I thought... I realized the impact of this when he visited me in the office recently and later said he wants to do whatever I do when he grows up because it seems so fun and exciting. Make no mistake there was nothing exciting going on. I realized he just rarely sees me alive and the experience of being around my dynamic real self made a huge impression on him. The dilemma here is that my husband isn't a bad guy, we just have zero connection and I no longer have any interest in making one with him. Our values are not aligned, I no longer find any admiration for him, and frankly it's not fair to him to be stuck with someone who feels so negatively toward him for a wife. There is a lot of history there and I am just not as forgiving as many of the spouses who post here. My husband broke my trust and that killed any repect or love I ever had for him or our marriage. I read a lot about the importance of parental relationships on the future relationships of children, but does that trump the benefit of growing up in an intact nuclear family?
I'm seriously considering divorce but don't want to initiate any steps unless fully committed to seeing it through in the most productive way possible. I see no reason why this can't be accomplished as a business-like separation, but my husband might still have feelings about it, so there's some unpredictability there. Should I stay or should I go?
Parent Replies
I really urge you to talk to a therapist. First by yourself, and then together with your husband. You talk about wanting to go through divorce in the most productive way possible. I first suggest that you figure out how to engage in your life in the most productive way possible, and I think that the best way to do that is to work through this all with a therapist first. Divorcing your husband will not divorce yourself from how you are currently approaching life. I'm going to give you a trite analogy, but it will be like treating the symptom and not the disease. You're externalizing the source of your despair, rather than looking at its internal causes. Best of luck to you on this journey.
I just read your letter.
Tears are in my eyes.
You are so fortunate to be able to talk openly and ask for advice
in such a private way.
Good luck to you from the bottom of my heart.
I had a strong reaction to your post. While reading it, I kept thinking to myself, "What an absolutely awful life," and "What a miserable way to live." Your talk of feeling dead around your child's father made my heart hurt for your family. I went back and forth between empathizing with you and feeling anger towards you for the way you talk about your husband and the choices you have made that impact your son. I have a few thoughts I will share. 1. I believe strongly that parents often become martyrs. Just because you have a child does not mean you are required to stay in a loveless marriage. You are a mother, yes. But you are also deserving of happiness. You shouldn't stay in a situation that is making you miserable for the benefit of anyone else, including your child. 2. Your child is not better off with two unhappy parents under one roof. You are not doing your son any favors staying in an unhappy marriage. If anything you are role modeling for him unhealthy relationships, poor self care and dishonest communication. I assume that part of my strong reaction to your post is that I grew up in a two parent house that lacked love and warmth. It was awful. In fact, it was confusing and has negatively impacted many of my adult relationships. I also no longer speak to my mom. My dad stayed with my mom despite my secret wish that they would divorce so that they could both have a chance to be happier. I assumed that they would eventually break-up after my sister and I went to college. Instead, my dad died two weeks after his youngest left home for college. He never had the chance to get a new start in life. He died married to a woman he had no connection with and without affection or love. He stayed for the kids, but ultimately, his decision to stay resulted in lots of unhappiness. I share this with you so that you understand that your good intentions of staying married for your son's sake, may have harmful consequences.
I think that you should talk to your husband. Either see a therapist or set up regular meetings with just the two of you. Talk about whether you want to be together or apart. Talk about how life would change if you uncoupled. Talk about finances. I think making this decision without listening to him is wrong.
Divorce is SO hard, it is worse than a death and it affect everyone around you. PLEASE try counseling, share your feelings, give your husband a chance. Good luck
Sounds like you should go. What I would look into is maybe lining up a good family counselor to get everyone through what's going to be a difficult time no matter how you cut it. Expect your future ex to be angry for a good part of the process, and it's never "business-like", it's always messy, but keep your eyes on the prize: your future happiness and also that of your son. Life is short, you shouldn't spend the majority of it feeling dead inside.