Conflict resolution skills in preschool?

I would like to recommend Sunshine Playschool in El Sobrante, but I don't know if that is convenient for you. They do an excellent job of conflict resolution at that age. I witnessed an interaction where a boy threw sand with a shovel on my daughter who was new to the school, and the teacher got down and helped him figure out that he did it because he was curious about her and wanted to meet her. She then coached him through other ways he could get her attention that would be more appropriate. I'm not sure what to call those skills, but I would expect to see conflicts handled through coaching that helps the aggressor really understand why they're behaving the way they do. This became even more important with my second child , because he really needed to be coached on conflict resolution skills himself. 

My kids (now both in elementary school) attended Monteverde Preschool in Berkeley. I was always hugely impressed with the way the school handled conflict resolution and in particular hitting or other forms of physically unsafe behavior. They were really great at making sure it stopped immediately but also did so without demonizing the child who had done something wrong. On the few occasions where one of my kids got hit or in some way offended by another child at school, they always told me about it in great detail. (i.e., I never heard about anything like that from my child and then had to go back and ask the teachers what happened. They were always right on it.)

Generally, they talked about behavior with the kids in terms of two very simple and easy to remember rules: is it safe? And is it kind? If they saw someone doing something unkind or unsafe, they would stop and ask them those questions. Sometimes the kid would recognize and self-regulate. In cases where the kid could not do that, the teachers would remove him or her by saying something like, "I can see that you are not able to play safely in this area right now. I'm going to take you over here until you are ready to play safely." In my observation, their tone was always very neutral and non-judgmental. They also have a pretty large team of teachers, so if one teacher was dealing with the bad actor, another teacher was usually available to provide comfort and a listening ear to the "victim." (It's funny, it's hard to talk about this stuff without sticking morally judgmental labels on it, even though in many cases, the "bad" behaviors are developmentally normal and not at all a sign that kids will some day be "bad" or "good." Sigh.) I also really liked the way they handled apologies and making amends. Kids were never forced to apologize; instead, they were encouraged to check on the person who was hurt and/or upset. "Checking on" someone meant simply asking if they were OK and then asking them if they needed anything. (The answer was usually that they wanted a hug or an ice pack. Sometimes they asked for an apology.) To this day, my kids still use that approach, and I find it vastly preferable to forcing them to apologize, because it causes the "bad" kid to spend at least a few brain cycles noticing how their behavior affected someone else. Monteverde is an amazing school all-around, with a core of teachers who have been there for a very long time and are really wonderful, smart, thoughtful humans. I highly recommend it!  

My daughter is at The Community Preschool, Grace Cathedral in San Francisco. This is a gem of a school--I love it for so many reasons (including that I work nearby--otherwise the Berkeley-SF commute wouldn't make sense). The kids learn how to use a solutions kit (set of cards with pictures illustrating solutions) to solve problems. I don't know all the options, but take turns and use a timer are examples. In fact, my daughter often suggests using a timer at home, which makes transitions a lot easier for us. While I haven't had a reason to ask teachers about how they approach conflict-resolution beyond this, I expect that they would be able to articulate what they do and the language they use.

My child was hurt a few times in preschool and he is not the sort to speak up or lash back, but he would cry. The teacher’s said it was very healing for the other children to have their attention brought to the impact an action has on someone. No blame or saying sorry, just sitting with the feelings for a minute. Even if your child reacts differently, the teacher’s can say, Oh, Did that hurt? Was that touch too strong? Or other suggestive questions that all the children will hear.  I found the info very helpful and had a good experience-that was Temple Sinai David Pregerson Preschool.