Concerns about toddler's new daycare

The transition to daycare can be rough - so I feel for you.  My son is in daycare full time and the first few weeks were really hard on both him and me (he's around the same age as your son).

However, if someone other than the teachers assigned to your son's daycare are consistently watching him, I'd ask about it. I'd also be concerned that you aren't getting updates. My daycare logs everything - when/what he eats, when he has a diaper change, nap times, his mood, and pictures/videos throughout the day. When I pick him up, they give me additional updates. There's no TV and I'd be annoyed if they let him watch tv, especially if this wasn't communicated previously. 

I'd suggest talking with the daycare about your expectations and see what they say. If not, its worth investigating other options - there are great daycares out there! 

This sounds exactly like the place my daughter attended last fall. Trust your gut...it doesn't sound good to me. My husband and I arranged a meeting with the teachers to express our concerns and it did not go well. They totally brushed us off, so we pulled her out. So I would suggest that and hope you have better results than us.

Watching TV at daycare? That seems totally unacceptable to me. AAP recommends no TV for kids under two. I don't want to judge parents who put their kids in front of a TV when you need a few minutes to make dinner (we're only human), but you are paying them to watch your kid, not to put them in front of a TV. 

That would be a deal-breaker for me, but I wouldn't worry as much about your other concerns. I always thought my kid was super adaptable and he cried most of the day for the first week. He was 20 months. Now he's been there 3 months and is doing great, he just took some time to adjust. 

Trust your instincts. And the facts. The fact that they are training the kids to watch TV while they eat would be enough for me to find another day care (and I say this as someone who likes TV, is not against children watching some TV but feels strongly that it is completely inappropriate for your daycare to do this). I have run children's center, put 4 kids through all the various forms of care (nanny, home day care, and center) and what you describe has all the red flags of an unsuitable care option. I wish you all the very best as I know how hard it is to find the right fit. No update offered, change of staff without parental notice, and TV as babysitter during meals are definitely not small things. Do not be apologetic about wanting better for your child. You are not here to make the day care providers feel good about themselves; you get to ask for and advocate for what your child needs.

I think that these thing 2, 3 and 4 are somewhat typical in many in home daycares. And, it is one advantage of using a center instead of an in-home place. They don't happen at all in-home daycares but they were common at the two in-home daycares we used. 

I know that pick up time can be hard, especially when adjusting. There is a series of parents coming in and it can be hard when it is not their own parent. Is he crying that whole time? I would normally say to give it two weeks and see (assuming you think everything else is okay). 

I would say use your judgement and trust your instincts.  We have pulled our children out of daycare twice - once when our son was 4 months and another time when our daughter was 3 years old.  

With our son, my husband came in to pick him up and found him crying - he had rolled into a corner of the room (he had only learnt to roll one way) and was stuck and there was no one in the room.  I had already been worried as they hadn't been ready when we started and we had given them months of notice.  They were scrambling to find him a cubby and label everything for him.  They also used bumbos and our son had 'escaped' out of his bumbo several times and they didn't know how he had done it...  I felt that he wasn't being cared for well and so we decided to move him to another center that we thought was amazing.  

The second time, our daughter was about 3 years old and she started having potty accidents almost daily at a new daycare (we had moved and had to switch daycare).  She had been potty trained for months and so I was suspicious.  Turns out the teacher was putting her in a time out several times a day and she was responding negatively to that.  We moved her to another daycare and the accidents stopped immediately.  

I would worry about the updates.  When we moved our son to his second daycare, the director called me up during his first day to give us an update and that immediately made me feel at ease.  And if you had specifically mentioned no TV, I would worry that they weren't following your directions.  I would say if he's been used to a nanny share, moving to a daycare would take some getting used to.  

I would be okay with the expected adjustment period crying, but not so okay with the eating lunch around the tv. How often is tv used during the day for this daycare? My personal threshold for tv at daycare or preschool is once a week. It sounds like your kid isn't in any kind of path of harm or negligence at all, but this might just not be a good fit. It's okay to look elsewhere. 

I've had 2 kids in 2 different home day cares. Here are my thoughts:

1) For both of my kids, it typically takes about 2 weeks for the drop off tears to stop. There is also a big difference b/w a few months old baby who doesn't really know what's going on starting a care situation, & an older baby/toddler that is more aware (if that's what you are comparing the nanny share start to).  After the two weeks, both my kids have both been super happy at their places. When my son started pre-school, he would also burst into tears when I came to get him at the end of the day. I don't think he was crying the whole day, I think it was just a combo of being a little overwhelmed by something new all day and relief to see me. However, if you think he is crying all day long, that is a little different. Ask the provider what he is like when you aren't there.  Day 2 is still pretty early on though.

3) Pediatricians will tell you (at least, mine does) that they are not supposed to watch TV/have screen time until they're 2. That being said, one of my daycares did utilize a TV throughout the day. It was my least favorite thing about the daycare. I think it was in an educational/engaging capacity - but still - not my favorite. I did make a point to bring up the TV watching several times throughout our time there, asking how often they are watching it, generally expressing concern that I didn't want it to be too much, etc. just to make sure it didn't become a slippery slope. In my case, I loved everything else about the daycare so I was willing to let the one thing go. Up to you how big of a deal this is for you. We just continued to be strict about TV at home, & now my son is in preschool & in my humble opinion a bright kid. :)  My current daycare does not use a TV, so there are ones that don't.... but our current one also has more assistants than my original one did.

You could try asking that she stops using the TV outright and see what happens?  I never did that but maybe I should have.

4) It would obviously be better to get the updates unaided, but I think as long as you make it a habit to ask about the updates yourself, and you feel like you are getting honest answers, it shouldn't really matter how the conversation originated.

Ultimately, you need to listen to your gut though.  Definitely BE VOCAL and talk about all of these things with the provider. They will likely have some sort of explanation or answer for them all, but you can probably read between the lines if what is really going on is something you are comfortable with. It's easy to be reluctant to speak up - I know there can be a fear that you are insulting their care or something; but you have to be your child's advocate. 

At our daycare, its standard to show the parent a record of the day when the child is picked up. This includes naps (time and duration), meals/bottles eaten, and diapers changed. I believe this is something all daycares need to do. Just ask when picking up your son, they should have this info on hand. As far as screen time, I would talk to the caregiver about that and see what the policy is, and if you can opt out. There's obviously a lot of blind trust you must put in to the daycare, since without being there, you have no real way to evaluate the care given. Overall though, you should trust your gut, and if the situation is leaving you uneasy, maybe look into other care alternatives. There are plenty of great, accountable daycares in the bay area. Good luck!

Re the adjustment, group care is different from nanny share or babysitters.  The kids have to adjust not just to a new caregiver, but a bunch of other kids and a very different environment.  In my 16 month old daughter's toddler classroom at a daycare center, it took 1-3 weeks for most of the newcomer kids to adjust, and the length of time was clearly correlated with how much experience each kid had away from his or her parents, and whether they had ever been in group care before.

I'd be more concerned about the TV and lack of updates. You're not being high maintenance, but you're also probably not going to be able to get them to change how they run things. Personally, I'd look for another provider. There are family daycare providers who have more enriching programs and provide daily reports. 

He might just need time to adjust. My son is 18 mo and is sensitive so it took him about 3 weeks of drop offs until he stopped crying. The first two days he cried most of the day. This is our first day care experience so I'm not sure what's the norm, but we get updates at pickup if we ask or not. The worker in your case may be a bad communicator and just not realize. Also, is tv at daycare a thing? That seems unusual to me. I would say go with your gut and if you aren't happy with it find another daycare that gives you peace of mind.

The crying the first two weeks is normal, sometimes more. Be sure to have a routine when you drop off so your son knows what is going to happen, do not stay for more than 10-15 minutes at drop off anxiety builds up and that can cause for your child to cry.The tv is unacceptable, I will talk with the daycare provider and let her know you do not want your child to watch tv. I will also let her know I want a report of his day everyday at pick up.The first two weeks I got about 7 messages a day from the provider with pictures, it gave me peace of mind to see pictures of my child playing happily.

You are the only one who really knows how you want your child to be cared for, if you present your concerns and the provider does not listen to you then I would think of another alternative

I'm so sorry--I know this is a rough time. 

Around 18 months is just when my daughter started having a hard time adjusting to new people and experiences, and new surroundings are so hard. I doubt he cried for the full four hours you were gone, though. When you got the update, did it include, "He never stopped screaming"? If so, he wouldn't have eaten, or pooped, or anything, so I'm SURE he didn't cry for that whole time. (And when my daughter started preschool it was very much the same thing, and took about a month for her to not cry at dropoff. Now, two months later, she LOVES it and cries to be taken there in the morning.)

The rest of your post sounds like your child could be at the same home-based daycare that my daughter went to for almost three years. The kids had the TV on at breakfast and at lunch, which I didn't love, and I don't think it started until they were at capacity with eight kids all lined up to be fed. I was sometimes told a cute story about what my kid did that day, but I never explicitly asked for updates and therefore didn't get any. The owner did send me photos on many days, especially once my kid was old enough to be doing interesting things, but I didn't really realize that other parents got updates from daycares until a new assistant started and every day when I picked my kid up she would tell me that my child had pooped. (Now, THAT feels like a weird update after a couple of years of don't ask/don't tell/just assume!)

So I guess I'm just saying you can trust your instincts, but know that all daycares are different and just because there's not a chart mapping out ounces consumed doesn't mean they don't love and care for your child appropriately. When my daughter started preschool the teachers told us that she was excelling and was more verbal than other kids her age, and I totally attribute that to all the hours of the day she spent with her lovely daycare provider and her assistant (and sometimes daughter) in a small, engaging setting. We miss her deeply.