Complexities of Limiting Screen Time

We parents all definitely struggle, if not for our children, but even for ourselves!  While I have not imposed time limits on my teens screen time, I wish I had when they were younger so they would be used to it.  We made a point to keep our kids busy with sports, outdoor activities, and family commitments as a way to limit their screen use, but there is certainly more we could do. I wished that I had made a rule that homework and chores had to be finished before screen time, and no Netflix and other entertainment on week nights. For a while we didn't allow charging of computers or phones at night in a bedroom, but when my son turned 15 and we moved to a new house, he started taking his devices in his room at night to charge.  We sort of have a rule that homework has to be done in a common area (no desk in the bedroom) so at least we can monitor somewhat while homework is being done. That's fantastic that you have put a limit of one hour.  My kids are literally spending 6 or more hours on their devices per day, as do my husband and I. I recognize that the mistakes we made were because, over time, we had difficulty enforcing our rules (especially on vacations and weekends when we parents were really busy) and then rules slipped and when we tried to reinforce, we got push back.

Since it is so hard to always be "on this", I decide to enlist help from technology as a way to automatically enforce some of the rules: I bought a device called Circle by Disney that regulates the wifi.  With it I can put a time limit and bedtime on each device or a cumulative limit for all devices by person, and block certain websites and applications whenever I want.  I told my son that if he wanted to charge his phone and computer in the bedroom, then the internet and phone would turn off at 10PM because I have to ensure that he is getting a good night's sleep and not interrupted by notifications and the like. If he is still doing homework and needs the internet, he has to ask for more time.  The Circle is hooked up the the wifi, and is controlled by an app on my phone. I can see what apps or websites he has been using, if he tries to access websites I have been blocked, what time, etc, as it give a full history.  There was a bit of push back, but it has worked for the most part. For the phone I had to implement ATT Smart Limits so the cellular data would turn off at a specific time too.  However, if I wanted to have Circle control the phone and cellular data (not just set a bedtime via ATT Smart Limits), I would have to purchase the Circle Go by Disney app and download on his phone, which I have not done yet.  I put restrictions on his phone (through the iPhone settings) for what maturity of apps and websites he can access, he has found a way to bypass it.  Fortunately, we have a limited data plan on ATT so if he tries to bypass wifi limits and use cellular data, he will eventually run out of his monthly data allotment.  

Of course I ask myself though, by using all of this extrinsic control, when he goes off to college, will he have any self control to regulate his own usage?  Hopefully his brain development will be such that he will make good choices and have more self control, but of course, that is not guaranteed.

I am the mom of a 16 year old, and we've never had any screen rules, even with old fashioned TV. I never told her I have no set limits, I've let her make her own mistakes with not getting enough sleep and/or finishing her homework, or exercise, and after a few days of overdoing it on screens she seems to figure out how to limit herself. Then in a couple of months she'll overdo it and recover again. Actually, I had the same system with junk food with the same results (with no limits, halloween candy lasts for a year in our house). Good luck.
 

Hello,

We struggled with this with our three kids for a long time, too. We finally installed Circle, which is a device that allows you to set limits (and filters) at the router level. It's been a godsend to our home and the best $100 we ever spent. We set a limit on our son's online game playing per day, but not on other things that we don't care about. We also set the filter at the teen level, so it filters some (not all, nothing's perfect) of the most noxious stuff on the Internet. None of this replaces the conversations you have with your kids, or your relationship and what expectations you set, but it takes you out of the role of the policeman a little bit.

Good luck!

Dear Parents Fumbling with Tech Limits,

I assure you that your experiences are remarkably similar to millions of other parents who are struggling with these same issues. First, I suggest you consider the "why" behind your limit setting, as this will help you set limits. I suggest the reason "why" we want teens not to live their lives in their rooms on their phones is that it deprives teens of the connection with parents primarily, but also siblings, that they need for mental health--as this generation of kids is suffering from record rates of depression, cutting, etc., as many are cut off from families due to tech overuse. Many kids are also distracted by their phones or computers resulting in poor school performance. 

Understanding that teens struggle to differentiate between uses and are generally often not honest with parents about how they use their phones, I believe the only viable solution once kids get phones is to have kids use them outside of their rooms in a public area of the house, e.g., left in the kitchen (the same would apply to a computer). This is the solution that many tech execs employ (see the NY Times article "Steve Jobs Was a Low-Tech Parent). If your daughter complies with the rules you have set up, she can earn time talking in private with her friends in her room--do you have a land line available for her to do this as that makes things easier. You can also purchase her technologies that only offer music in her room, e.g., Internet radio or ipod shuffle.

I understand these sound like firm rules, but the alternative of teens increasingly living their lives out in their rooms at the expense of family is wreaking havoc on a generation of teens.

Best to you,

Richard Freed, author of Wired Child: Reclaiming Childhood in a Digital Age

I use an app called Our Pact, which shuts down all third party apps (social media, games, etc) either on a schedule or at your will. It's either free (limited) or very cheap, and completely worth it. The phone just turns off access to those apps on your child's phone. My son is currently being punished and we have ALL the third party apps shut down 24/7. Simply asking him to "stay away" from those apps wasn't working at all. I can turn them back on anytime I want.

I'd think twice about allowing any kids to have a computer in their room. I believe it is better in an open environment so you can more easily monitor the content and the time spent on the computer.

Good Luck!

The parent who suggested that you shouldn't limit your child's access to screens gave you bad advice! In my opinion, the time kids/teens spend online is a crisis. Yes, some of it is school work, but there is a ridiculous amount of time wasted liking photos, making videos, texting, surfing the internet, playing games, etc. Some of this is okay - rec time - but a lot of it robs from family time, studying and socializing face-to-face.

As an example, we met up with family friends over the weekend at their house. The kids are good friends and have known each other all their lives. In the past, they would hang out, talk, watch a movie, go in the hot tub, play a game, scooter, walk to town, etc. This time the kids were ALL on their phones the WHOLE time. I chastised my daughter and urged her to put down her cell, but she said the other teens never put theirs (the mom complains to me often about her kids' phone use, but she never instructed them to lay down their phones, and so they didn't). We were there for hours, and there was never any genuine conversation or interaction among the teens - just individual screen time!

These types of situations reinforced my fear that today's youth are losing the ability and desire to interact face-to-face and the skills that develop from face-to-face communication. I've seen kids scared to talk to a teacher, worried about making a phone call, unable to have a deep conversation with a peer, etc.

Parents, carve out some screen-free time: talk to your kids, do things as a family, encourage children to socialize without phones, let them be bored in the car, give them technology free downtime. Others have suggested limiting screen time with Circle or Our Pact. Use these tools, and don't hesitate just to take away the phone if rules aren't followed, or technology is abused. Collectively we need to help this next generation with their life skills, not just their tech skills!

Something we all struggle, or have struggled with.  I fall somewhere in the middle of other responses you have received.  I like the idea of starting off with what is your goal in restricting screen time, and what are the various ways you can accomplish that.  I would add, what really is possible to do within your sphere of influence.  While this is different for different ages, I think it is probably less than what you think it is.  For example - putting the computer in a public space.  Our computer was in the middle of our kitchen, 2 adults at our (not very large) home going in and out, and my middle schooler still managed to go on a pornography site.  How?  multiple windows open, they are quicker at switching back and forth than you are at catching them, and unless you are going to be right there over their shoulder that strategy isn't doing what you think it's doing.  Once a kid gets older the computer filters are often too restrictive.  As one poster mentioned, kids are online for all sorts of stuff, including education and current norms of socializing.  It really is a completely different paradigm.  I'm not saying it's better or worse (my own opinion is that it's worse), but we have to be aware of the consequences of removing kids too far from the current practices of their peers.  One limit we were very strict about was that the phones and iPads live in the kitchen at night. That was what my kids were using to socialize, but then again it's possible they went on their computer - we would open their door to chek occasionally, but having their privacy is also important as teens.  I do think that it is important to set limits, even if they are routinely broken, and even if the "consequence" is minimal, or it's simply re-stating your expectations - it still helps to rein them in. But don't get into a situation where you are setting yourself up setting rules you really can't enforce - that's why tend to prefer talking about the issues and using "expectations" rather than rules. I save the "rules" for more specific and time-limited restrictions, like not being on devices when company is here.