Friend with Borderline Personality Disorder
Advice, please. I read through the advice archives on BPN and found a few good things, but I would love to hear from people affected by Borderline Personality Disorder in friendships. I have a childhood friend that I only see in person every few years who was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and manic depression. We have very little in common, but periodically she resurfaces in dire crisis (usually when she has burned most of her other bridges). I care. I do love her. Yet this friendship has been uneven for so long and our values differ enough that a true connection doesn't really feel possible. Rarely if ever do I feel like the time and energy I expend actually helps; I'm usually left feeling tired and frustrated after most interactions. She got mad and quit speaking to me for 18 months, and then she decided I was a saint and texted me 17 times while I was on vacation sending me compliments and asking for advice. With the COVID-19 crisis, I'm now trying to homeschool my kid, juggle sheltering-in-place changes, and field her messages. (I asked her not to text but she keeps doing it.) Does anybody have experience with BPD and setting boundaries that they would be willing to share? Any good books or articles to recommend? Thanks.
Parent Replies
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this person. My ex-husband was diagnosed with BPD, and the most important thing I learned is that I need to protect myself. Personal boundaries are critical. The impact of BPD is wide and deep, so I strongly recommend articulating clear boundaries for this person. Then, when they ignore your wishes, you can cut them off. Sadly, that's the only way out.
Hi
I have had a similar experience you described & feel I've walked the path just ahead of you. BPD is part of the B-Cluster Personality Disorders.
Experts say these personality disorders start by age 2, when the child "splits" into an "ideal/perfect" self/world to protect their sense of self from an unavailable caregiver (whatever the reason they were unavailable isn't relevant). Subsequently they have trouble adjusting to the actual realities of life in real time and experience trauma along the way because they are unable to adjust with reality. They disassociate internally & do not realize they run hot & cold to you, they are simply surviving their personal struggle.
You need to encourage them to go into therapy AND decide if they can comprehend that you actually understand what is going on with them. Often they cannot believe you understand them because while you are trying to frame your reality (your whole relationship or a specific moment), they've disassociated to one or the other extreme, missing your point-of-view. They cannot maintain boundaries, unless you are willing to enforce them.
My heart goes out to you. Good Luck!
Hi there - I don't have any resources to offer, but I wanted to say I have been in the exact same experience and could have almost written this message myself: childhood friend with BPD, always in crisis, her needs always supersede everyone else's, a very uneven and unreciprocal friendship, etc. I am currently on freeze out with this "friend" and have had a few opportunities to reconnect with her but have decided against it because I don't want to pull myself back into her vortex of drama and frustration. I don't hear you saying you get much, if anything, out of this friendship and it sounds more like you are maintaining contact out of a sense of obligation. With that in mind I think there are a few things you could do, the harshest is to cut contact altogether (which might make you feel guilty but you are well within your right to do it!), but more of a middle ground might be muting her texts and only responding to her once a day and keeping your communication with her to a minimum. The issue with BPD types is they often latch on to givers, because they intuit that people with a strong moral compass and a desire to be helpful will be willing to put up with their bs far more than your average person. Don't let her drain you when you have so much else that merits your attention.