Besting Bullying on Team
Kiddo, 13, is in an individual sport, in a team environment -- track and field, gymnastics, swimming. The team gets a score but really it's an individual sport. You and Kiddo cheer on everybody on their personal successes in training and competition, regardless of placement. Kiddo is dedicated and does well, usually with the top performers. At practice, everyone is focused on training and while there's some socializing, exclusion is hard to do, but when it's, e.g., picture day, the other kids clump together and exclude Kiddo. When it is team spirit week and the huge group goes to, e.g., bowling, Kiddo is left out of the lanes of age mates and takes on the role of big kid to the littles in another lane, likewise on "twins day" is left to make a triplet with a younger set. Head is held high, small attempts are made to banter with group, and patience is used in hopes that there will be a welcome to the group chatter. On picture day, the circle eventually opened and welcomed Kiddo, but only after the exclusionary point was made. Any advice for Kiddo breaking in? The coaches are great for coaching the sport, but aren't trained in social connections; I'd be afraid they would botch any "fix" and clearly team spirit week wasn't a bonding situation. The parents are not much warmer than their kids so there's not an easy entrée there for a friendly discussion. I don't think Kiddo is broken as Kiddo easily makes new friends with kids in other environments and has deep friendships elsewhere. It is heartbreaking to watch and heartbreaking for Kiddo as many hours are spent pursuing fun in the sport with these teammates, but the team feeling is lacking. Kiddo doesn't need team to be best buddy but less excluding and more inclusiveness would be heartening.
Parent Replies
You might want to read this article. Is your son really feeling the exclusion here? I have to wonder if this is more about you than him? He seems like he is dealing with the dynamic very well. Maybe you're just not friends with the parents (perhaps you were a late entry to the group).
https://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/2018/10/12/bullying-just-playgrou…
Oh, this is so hard when the bullying is just below the radar and involves excluding! What about trying to pick one or two of the nicer kids on the team and having an outside playdate with them? Invite them to a pizza after practice or a sleepover after a game/ match. If your son can form a bond with one or two kids on the team that may be enough for him to feel more welcome. I would keep trying until you find someone who is a good fit. Good luck. It is so hard to see our kids excluded!
Hi, I hope you don’t mind a response that is more understanding than full of advice. You could be speaking of my son, who is 12 and tends to be the “odd guy out” (the twins day scene you mentioned broke my heart, he has been in similar situations so many times, he too often gravitates towards the younger kids, because of his patience and sweet disposition, they often seek him out now) but his suffering has been in school, 4th grade was the worst but it’s been generally hard. We try and focus on the positive, his good grades, the solid friendships outside of school and actually looking at the reasons some kids bully and realize they may be suffering someplace in their life. I don’t know if this is helpful but I do feel for you and your Kiddo.
As a parent, having to watch this is excrutiating. But I will tell you this: a well rounded, balanced individual who is committed to achieving better and better “personal best” s is perceived as a threat. There will always be the insecure ones, whose personal worth lies in beating others and winning. The person who competes to meet the challenge of improving performance every time and is totally focused on being his or her own best, that type of person is not going to gel well with the paranoid, insecure types. Those insecure ones flock together not necessarily out of camaraderie, but to keep tabs on each other.
This pattern gets cemented at a younger and younger age it seems. And embrace Kiddo for not caving into the craziness. Make sure your kid has a life and friends in other parts of life and ensure that Kiddo is aware that being a good athlete does not require being a cliqueish prima donna. Just strive for personal best every time and make friends elsewhere.
For whatever it’s worth it sounds like my kid’s swim team. I am making her delay competition for at least two more years so she can ground herself in other interests and friendships and have a strong sense of self and social support outside the team so she can focus on her performance and not notice the shenanigans of uptight insecure kids. Good luck!
My son competed in age-group swimming since he was 7--he's swimming in college now. So as a parent, I've been there--and I will say this: Life is too short for your kid to put up with this kind of team dynamic. Unless your kid is new to the team and just hasn't had time to form friendships yet, or unless your kid is an elite athlete and absolutely has to train with this certain coach or team, the unhappiness isn't worth waiting it out or trying to make it better. Some team communities just suck, whether it's due to school-affiliated social groupings that exclude others, or socially or athletically competitive parents; or maybe the team's just not a good fit for your kid. Have a talk with your kid--maybe he/she/they would consider another team where the kids and parents are more welcoming, and the coaching is just as good.