Bad parenting & ADHD

Neither ASD nor ADHD is caused by “bad parenting”. Both ADHD and ASD will have symptoms that vary in severity, can be quite complex, and will not likely “look the same” at various times. The only way a diagnosis can be made is by a medical professional, and these diagnoses also evaluate input from parents and teachers (not just one of either group, unless it is a single parent family). It sounds like there are enough concerns that a diagnosis is warranted; there are treatments for both conditions (which also not infrequently go hand in hand, and can be confused with one another while things are being sorted out).  Best of luck.

It is completely normal for children to act differently with different people - parents, teachers, etc. That is also true of kiddos with ADHD and ASD. In order to have a diagnosis of ADHD or ASD, then typically symptoms have to be "pervasive" but that does not mean symptoms are always present or always the same. They just may vary to different degrees between location, person, time of day, other factors, etc. Very large swings in behavior could also be considered a symptom of either ADHD/ASD. I am not a neuropsychologist though so if you're concerned then you should do the evaluation. I also think it's interesting you titled this "bad parenting and ADHD"..... "bad" parenting does not cause ADHD, but you and your co-parent may need more resources, training, education, support to better parent your unique child.

hi~ this topic is near and dear to my heart. I have a 14 year old son with ADHD -- late diagnosed, which in turn also diagnosed my husband with ADHD (77%+ genetic component so makes complete sense especially with our history).  They both have the inattentive type and my son is actually academically gifted but has a challenge in specific classes.  I am happy to discuss my experience, resources and strategies if it helps. Feel free to PM me.

Good question! I would say this was the case with my older child, now a young adult. Also, they could often hold it together at school, then completely fall apart at home. Apparently this is quite common with gifted children with ADD. Unfortunately, it also meant their behavior at home was blamed on parenting. Also worth noting is that many people with ADD and ASD also experience high levels of anxiety which can contribute to the dynamic you describe. They can manage their behavior better around people they feel comfortable with and trust because they feel less anxious. The conditions and the co-occuring conditions can be very difficult to tease apart. At the end of the day, it may not be necessary to do so. Compassion, understanding, and patience is critical. Skills can be learned (by the child and those who teach and care for them) to address the behaviors. There are no easy answers or simple diagnoses. I highly recommend Dr. Howard Hallowell's books on ADD.

ASD and ADHD are both biological conditions and are part of who the child is, so they will be part of a child's way of interacting with the world, in any situation.  However, the environment also plays a role in how the ADHD and ASD show up for the child in the world.  Neurodiverse children do need different parenting and teaching responses to be successful in a neurotypical world.  So, yes, it's very possible that a child would have more difficulty with one parent or one teacher than another.  I would caution against saying this is because one teacher or parent is "bad." It's more likely that their parenting or teaching style is a mismatch for what the child needs--and this may be because they don't understand what the child needs to be successful.  The ADHD or ASD won't go away with a different parent or different teacher--but if that person is better at accommodating or supporting the child's needs, then there may be less conflict or problems.  A good psychologist will be able to help evaluate the child by directly working with the child, and asking multiple caregivers and teachers to report on the child's characteristics and behaviors in different situations. 

We just went through this. Our ADHD child is VERY sensitive to environment.  I wish I had realized this sooner. She had a bad classroom in 3rd (lots of disruption and low expectations) and now has a great 4th grade classroom. Her schoolwork is like night and day.   Also, she is defiant towards one parent and respectful towards the other.  She is also very sensitive to any sort of negativity due to low self-esteem.  So we try to keep it really positive at home.   I would not delay evaluation because mood dysregulation can be a symptom of ADHD.  It feels great, btw, to know what is going on for your child and not to be in the dark anymore.  The child can feel great relief, too, that someone actually understands what they've been experiencing. 

Autistic adult with one kid diagnosed autistic and the other strongly suspected autistic + ADHD; I can say with confidence that neurodivergent kids, just like everybody else, act differently in different contexts. If your kid feels more comfortable with one teacher than another, their behavior might be dramatically different.

Both of my kids are prone to selective mutism (not talking) in new contexts. Neither engaged with anyone (teachers, classmates) at preschool for MONTHS after starting school. Both are very, very social and chatty when people come to our home, even people they don't know well. I have one kid who is much MUCH more likely to have a classic-looking meltdown outside the house because he's out of his safe space/surrounded by "unsafe" people, and another who masks heavily whenever she's out of the house and melts down at home because she's safe. So it really depends to a huge extent on the kid.

If you're planning to have your kids evaluated, I'd say just answer the evaluator's questions honestly. Do some research before you go in, as some evaluators aren't great at providing a range of examples for the required behaviors to get the right number of "points" to get a diagnosis.

My son has ADHD and reacts differently to everyone and especially teachers. 

Thanks for the insight! I totally agree that environment is a trigger. I had a friend with Tourette syndrome and you could tell when stress caused her symptoms to show.