Apathetic middle schooler?

LOL, welcome to puberty, OP! This is typical behavior for kids this age. That's not to say you can't provide support to help your child navigate this phase of life; you absolutely can. I would reach out to their school to see what supports are available there. A counselor or school psychologist may also be able to help identify any underlying issues like anxiety or depression that may be contributing. But know that for many kids, this is developmentally typical behavior for the adolescent years.

I will say that 2-3 hours a day of screen time feels like a lot based on our own middle schoolers and their friends—this could be contributing to why your child doesn't want to do homework!—but different families have different approaches to this. (In ours, we only allow non-school related screen time on weekends, because we've found that allowing any on weekdays means kids rush through homework and chores and make sloppy mistakes trying to get to the "prize." On school days, kids are limited to things like reading or listening to music with their spare time; no tv or video games. YMMV with your own child.) We also have a strict rule on no food in bedrooms or outside the kitchen/dining areas because in our house, ants (or worse, rats!) will happily try to partake. I might approach the junk food wrappers from that lens (though it's also worth finding out where your child is getting all of those treats from, assuming it's not just leftover Halloween candy). Diet can certainly influence behavior too.

On a last note, I recommend watching Inside Out 2 if you haven't already. It will help you feel seen as a parent (and also does an impressive job, for an animated film, of shining some light on what's going on inside your child's brain in these crazy years). The good news is that this, too, shall pass and your child will eventually emerge on the other side—but it can be draining for parents in the meantime!

I will validate your feeling that your child's mood is out of the range of normal. Rather than speculate on the why or try to diagnose it, I would request an evaluation with their pediatrician ASAP. (I have two teens with a variety of mental health diagnoses between them, and most support starts with the pediatrician to rule out physical health issues and get a referral to the appropriate type of mental health support.)

Working on connecting before other limits seems really important. Do they like any activities you consider healthy (bike riding, going to the redwoods)? That's a pretty straight-forward way to join them. Otherwise let them come up with shows to watch together or ask them about the games they like. I watched an awful lot of shows, and listened to music I wouldn't have chosen during that period. Middle school was definitely the hardest time in our family.  Checking in with the teacher/counselor can give you a sense if the behavior is concerning. Also, sometimes what seems like general unhappiness/disconnection can happen when there are shifts in the friend group and former friends become "frenemies."

I've had a long career working with children as an educator and therapist--I'm so glad you are reaching out for some support for your child and yourself.  What stands out to me as red flags are your childs lack of interest / motivation and, from the language you use I'm picking-up that there are gender issues involved.  It sounds to me like your child needs a thorough evaluation by a psychiatrist or developmental pediatrician to consider depression and anxiety as root causes of their unhappiness--more than your parenting, sugar or screen consumption, etc.  Time to get some professional support for your kid.  I wish you all the best.

I agree that while pre-teens are challenging, this seems to be outside the norm, and I do not agree it is necessarily typical behavior. I second the suggestion about seeing your pediatrician, and would also recommend some testing for any learning difference that is preventing them from doing well in school. An undiagnosed learning difference would certainly be cause for not doing well and then not liking school. As for the rudeness and lack of social manners - that is something that might have been reinforced when they were much younger, but you can make your best efforts to try now. Do they have friends? I would worry that this attitude extends to peers and further isolates them. Sorry to not confirm that this is in the realm of normal, but as the parents of 2 teens and someone who works with a lot of teens I would say that this is all concerning and wish you the best in getting to the bottom of it. 

I have to disagree with the responder who said this is typical for MS. This age is a time of some rebellion but also a time when passions develop. I think you’re absolutely correct that the screen time is way too much. We only allowed screen time on weekends, and only if schoolwork was done, grades decent, etc. Most people we know were similar. You have 6 more years to influence your child so you haven’t failed! But if you avoid hard conversations and consequences then you’re just teaching your kid to do the same. I’d definitely have him evaluated by pediatrician and line up counseling. I think depression and anxiety may be happening here. But also do - sports! Not some hardcore team but get them to participate almost daily in sports and everything will get better. Do so yourself too. Teach them about nutrition - they’re so smart at this age. Dramatically reduce sugar for the entire family. What are they super interested in? Support those interests and get them to do research and tell you or an involved teacher all about them. 

This sounds incredibly familiar, frustrating and painful. I lived through all of that with my kid. It turned out my son had ADHD (plus anxiety and some other things), but wasn’t diagnosed until college. Meds and therapy have made a world of difference. He now talks all the time about how he regrets being so difficult and distant during middle and high school, and wished he had been more in touch with what was going on for him. That is heartbreaking for me, even though I’m so proud of where he is in his mental health journey now. 

Just want to echo another parent who described her kid with ADHD. You might want to get an evaluation for your child. Talk to your pediatrician. My son with ADHD was completely uninterested in schoolwork because he did not have the attention and focus to do it. Trying to push him to do something that he physically could not do (ADHD is a brain chemistry disorder) was frustrating for everyone. He loved video games because it was the one activity he could easily master.  The gaming may not be the cause of your child's low motivation - it might be something else like ADHD that is creating a situation where gaming is the only satisfying outlet.

Thank you very much for all of your helpful comments. We have decided to seek medical help. Coincidentally, our child commented the other day that they think they might be ADHD. They said they took an online quiz. 

The screen time is something that we have decided as a family that it would be a family activity. I tried to limit it severely when the kid was little but we felt conflicted as we work in vlog/video/media production and video game development and did not want to demonize how we make a living. And, we love watching shows and playing games together, analyzing them, coming up with ideas, and critiquing, etc.  

During Covid, our kid dramatically increased iPad and video game alone time, so that is what we are trying to reduce.

Child hates sports but loves singing and dancing. They go through phases where they obsess about something. 

Another curious thing. They like their room to be messy and do not want to get rid of anything. They say mess is cozy. I don’t get it and their preference for a messy room creates a lot of conflict. It is strange that they seem unable to see mess or things on the floor. Yesterday, they asked me if I knew where their jacket was. I said to look in the living room. They looked, came back and said couldn’t find it even though it was on the floor next to the coffee table where they took it off. I wonder if this is ADHD related.