Divorcing with kids in college; keep the family home as a base?
I’ve seen recent responses regarding potential divorces - and read them with interest however my situation is a bit different.
I have long, long considered separating from my very difficult husband and I think I am finally getting ready to go through with it.
Many past responses focused on how difficult it may be on the kids, however my kids will all be young adults in college and seem to be settled/thriving in their situations. My plan would be to keep our house as a home base for kids, while I myself move out which I find very appealing.
Financially I feel we are fine. We each have well paying, stable employment (I make more than he) retirement accounts, college accounts and no mortgage.
I guess I would just appreciate hearing any personal stories of people who went through (good or bad) this and anything I might need to consider. Thanks all.
Parent Replies
Oh, I so love this post, thank you very much and relate - although not financially (GO YOU!!!)
I haven't been through this yet but am also considering and found that going to look at a few apartments from zillow that might work for me was tremendously helpful! It felt amazing and made me see exactly that a solo life would be fun and great and also made me realize there were a few areas, again in my case financial, that needed to be shored up first.
I propose you do the same and see what comes up for you, if you haven't already! You might be like: oh, actually I really just want to travel by myself for a few months, now that I'm freed up. Or, this place looks good but I wouldn't have community and then: what kind of community do I need to foster? Etc, etc.
I think that once those things come up and are tended to then the rest will fall right into place right away. If it sounds like I'm trying to talk you out of divorce, I AM NOT! I have just found that exploring the fantasy in full revealed many concrete reasons for my hesitations, having nothing to do with my partner, who remains as difficult as ever. And also revealed to me that my idea of life is actually very awesome and I should stop making myself feel so bad for my desires.
Let's be in touch!
Emily.
I read lots of books that cautioned that divorce is hard on children. I think what is worse is a failing marriage where "the center does not hold." Children feel the effects of tension and discord and the lack of cohesion in the marriage.The family doesn't function as a social unit when there is resentment between the parents. It's not fun for the parents or kids. The kids see a model of a weak/fraught relationship. I waited too long to get divorced. I recommend you get out of a bad marriage sooner rather than later. It is the marriage that has failed and that's not the fault of one of you; it's a responsibility you share with your spouse but your children suffer, too. It's not healthy for them if parents are unhappy. Put your energy into a clean break and a fair settlement. Why do you have to give up the house? Leave the kids in the house with their difficult father? Why can't you be the one in the house with the kids? or share custody. Kids whose parents got divorced when they were young seemed stunned for about a year but recovered vigorously once the parents were settled in happier circumstances/new relationships. They do fine shuttling between houses - it's a little ineffectient as in "I left my soccer cleats at mom's ...be clear about who picks up the kids when....stick to a schedule so the kids know what's coming. Remain cordial so you can both attend graduation, weddings, be clear about holidays. My kids had two places to go for Christmas, etc. Recommend mediation - saves money, less acrimonious, esp if husband is difficult.
You raise good issues. My parents divorced when I was in college, and their divorce has continued to impact their four kids for nearly 40 years. My youngest sibling was a teenager and certainly was affected the most, but I would not underestimate the impact of divorce on children no matter what their ages. There are many valid reasons for getting divorced. If you decide that divorce is your best option, then try to "do divorce" well. Maintain civility and respect for your ex, and don't ever use your kids as pawns. One of my parents badmouthed the other for several years, and it's taken me a lifetime to uncover and process all of that. Think about how you will relate to your ex and how you will feel at milestone events where both of you and your kids will all be together - weddings, graduations, birth of grandchildren, etc. Make sure you are ok with not always being included in family events (holidays) the way you might want. Those are just a few things to consider.
Of course we don't know your full financial picture, but it's curious that you assume your ex will want to stay in the house you leave, as a base for your kids. I guess my mind goes to worst case scenario. What if he says he is out of the house too - and wants it sold and divided. Where will the kids go? Have you purchased a new place independently? If you are renting, is there space for your kids when they need a 'home base?" This IS the crazy bay area housing market, for both renting and owning after all. If your kids are in college I'm assuming you're in your 50's - how much longer of a career do you have? Can you afford a new 30 year mortgage considering the average 3 bedroom house or condo is upwards of a million dollars in most good areas? No job is 100% stable, what if you were downsized or let go or suffered some type of disability that kept you from working? If you make more than you ex will you have to pay some kind of support? And just because your kids are in their early 20's doesn't mean the divorce will have no negative impact on them as they themselves start a life and maybe consider what marriage may or may not mean for them. I'm not trying to be a downer here, you just asked for things to consider and this is what ran through my mind. Whatever the case, I hope all will be fine for you and your kids!
I think that it's easier to keep a divorce amicable when the stakes aren't high financially for either party, as it sounds is the case for you. I was in a similar boat when I divorced, similar incomes, similar assets, though my daughter was younger (6 when we separated, 8 when the divorce was final). No spousal or child support; done through mediation. We still get along well.
I would caution you about getting wedded to specific plans for the house. You can propose whatever you want, but it doesn't matter how good an idea you think it is if your husband isn't onboard. Just prepare to be flexible and I think you'll be fine.
I can't tell if you just mean "separating" as moving out. If you mean separating, not divorcing, then are you okay with your husband living rent-free in the house? Are you okay with paying 1/2 the property taxes? Are you okay with your kids holiday visits being based out of his home? I would definitely talk with a lawyer. I divorced, and it was trickier and more difficult than I expected. Good luck whatever you decide!
As another poster recommended: Stay flexible. I would add: Brainstorm as many options as you can (and if you decide to divorce, join a women's divorce support group).
I'm 6 months into a divorce, and nothing has gone as expected: We tried mediation for 4 months, reached an impasse, then lawyered up. The drawn-out process of back and forth (3-4 week delays each time) between our lawyers meant that interest rates rose, and now my ex says he can't "afford" to buy me out of my share of the house anymore. Now we have to sell it this summer. It feels like he decided to cash out of the house too, since he has a free place to stay across town. But frankly, it seems penny-wise and pound-foolish, given that real estate is foundational to intergenerational wealth.
Best wishes with everything!