Angry Father
I have always known my father to be an angry person, mad at the world...trying to constantly understand why the world is out to get him.
He grew up extremely poor and was able to accomplish much in his life. His kids (my sister and I), his grandkids are all very happy and healthy. But yet, he continues to get angry quite often. In fact, my most prominent memories of my father are of him being angry (at my mother, at me, at a coworker, at some random person who cut him off on the highway).
Now in his 70s, he continues to work full-time at a demanding job with no intention of retiring any time soon, despite the pleas from the rest of our family. I used to think most of his stress and anger came from work, but I realize now that it's just who he is. An angry person.
But as someone who is happy and optimistic and hopeful, it crushes me to think that he will live and die such an angry man. And it's not that he's angry all the time, but he's prone to anger often. And that anger takes quite a bit of time to dissipate.
Even though he is one who will never seek help or even acknowledge that there's any problem with the way he lives his life, I have tried the direct approach in trying to "coach" him to let go of the anger. I have also tried to share helpful publications with him about positive psychology. But I'm truly at a loss as to what else I could do to help.
I've tried arranging family vacations where he gets to spend quality time with the grandkids, but again the smallest things will trigger anger or at a minimum, intense worry and anxiety (e.g. Will we get to the airport on time? Will we miss the flight? What happens if our hotel room isn't available? etc, etc)
Knowing that he would never see a therapist or doctor to help confront his anger and anxiety, I seek any and all advice on how to help him enjoy or at least appreciate this journey we call life. Many thanks :)
Parent Replies
Sister. Friend. M'lady. Listen to me. Are you listening to me? YOU CAN'T DO THIS FOR HIM. I am so sorry, and I wish it were not so, but this is his choice.
Hold my hand and repeat after me: You didn't cause this. You can't control it. You can't cure it. Just back off and let him be who he is. Try to find grace in meeting him where he is. Try to reframe what you see as anger - it sounds like anxiety is causing the anger, not the other way around. Leave him be.
He is enjoying it as best he can. Trying to change his experience, when he has been this way for 70 years, will only make both of you more miserable. This is not a good use of your time and very kind emotional energy. Use it in a different way, to enhance the things he already loves rather than trying to make him love something else.
Think about it. Just think about it and consider this approach. You are a kind-hearted person and I appreciate what you want to do. But.
You're not going to be able to change your father. This is who he is and he's appreciating his journey to the best of his ability. Stop trying to change him. Change how you deal with him instead. For example, on family vacations, fly separately from him. Let him handle the stress of travelling without family witnesses. Have him stay in his own hotel room, preferably not next to yours. Make it so that you can separate him from you and your kids when he gets upset. Let him calm down and rejoin the family when he's ready.
I'd tell him that you're going to do these things. He may object and say that it isn't necessary but maybe he'll be secretly relieved inside to be able to get away from reactions to his bad behavior. He can be angry without worrying about upsetting you and come back when he's ready.
Let it go. You have no control in this situation. Don't expect a porcupine to behave like a puppy. He is who he is.
I have some advice, but it's not exactly what you requested. I'm drawing upon personal experience and the wisdom of 12 step programs. I suggest you stop trying to fix your father and focus on changing yourself. (And if you are wondering why I mention the 12 steps, pointless random rage is a classic feature among both addicts and their family members. Some addicts stop drinking but remain "rage-a-holics" and they are hell to live with.)
I do know how painful it is to see a loved one cheat himself of happiness. But you've assigned yourself the task of fixing this and it's a fool's errand. Why? Because it is entirely impossible to change another human being, and it is grandiose to deceive ourselves that we can. (And yet we do deceive ourselves over and over, even when we know better.) This lesson is so, so, so very hard to truly accept, because it feels as if you are uncaring.
You're not. But this is the reality:
"... I could not make the alcoholic sober any more than I could be responsible for his drinking. I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it." Substitute "rage-a-holic" for alcoholic and "anger" for drinking. The very same is true of your dad. You can't breathe for him, and you can't fix him.
Here is what you can do:
You can practice acceptance and detachment with love. A few links on that:
http://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/detachment-with-love-gains-new-meaning
https://www.promises.com/articles/family-and-parenting/detach-love/
You can accept that this is your father's default, and was probably at one point an adaptive behavior. Perhaps "getting angry" and foreseeing what could go wrong was his role in his family of origin, or maybe it's how he feels in control, or assures himself that he still matters. Fretting is how many people say, "I love you." You can't fix this, but perhaps you can understand what need his rage fulfills.
You can accept that he does not intend to change, probably because he thinks his attitude is "right"; trying to convince him otherwise is like saying "Be someone different!" and "Forget all your automatic responses!" It's well intentioned but pointless, and a little inappropriate. It's not your task up to teach him how to live.
You can attend some Al-Anon or ACOA meetings.
Acknowledge how upsetting this situation is for you, and focus on how to make it less distressing. Talk with your children about how they feel when grandpa gets agitated or flies off the handle, and what they can do. If it's traumatizing your children, you'll have to have a heart-to-heart with dad, and lay out the rules. He can't control his feelings, but he can control his behavior around your children and you; if he doesn't you need to limit contact.
If he worries about what can go wrong on vacation, have a plan B: copies of your reservations, get to the airport early, have a backup hotel in mind, etc. Let him know that you respect his concerns, even if they are overblown.
Quit trying to "fix" him. And let him know that although you find his anger and negativity difficult, you love him dearly.
--Hope this helps!
I feel your pain! I see some of the same behaviors in my own parents. They're so used to being negative, they don't recognize how unpleasant it is for the people around them. And for that generation, talk of anti-depressants, psychologists, etc. is like asking them to cut off their hand! You might consider asking your dad to sit down with you and share his childhood memories, from as far back as he can remember. Then move into his teenage years, etc. I did this with my grandparents when they were in their 70's (still lucid) and found it to be an incredible experience for us. I recorded it on a dictaphone and then shared it with my cousins, etc. I asked lots of questions, got details, and for the first time was able to hear their stories via their personal memories, both good and bad. I am planning to do the same with my own parents. My grandparents felt honored and delighted that I cared, and it gave me/us some insight into their points of view, struggles, and personalities. I had to plan for a full day of babysitting for my kids, but it was well worth it to get that uninterrupted time to document their history, both individually and as a couple. It may not solve anything, but could be a starting point for meaningful conversations about feelings, etc. If nothing else, you will have his history, and a chance to be with him, one on one, in a new way.
Replace angry father with "severely depressed and anxious/OCD mother" and I could have written your post. Since you said "any and all," though - I thought I'd chime in. If you are the kind of person who would consider breathwork healing from a shamanic tradition, go see Sariah Sizemore in Oakland. I've been working with her for three years now and words cannot describe how much it has changed my life on all fronts, including my relationship with my mother. Read her Yelp reviews, and she offers a free 30-minute introductory meeting to see if this kind of work resonates with you. Even though some BPN readers are likely thinking "oh what a nutcase this poster is!" all I can say is it helped me, and maybe would help you too. =)