Almost 15 (young sophomore) all about speed and not effort - media distraction
Older parent having battles with Teenage Boy over effort, media and honesty with parents!
Our son is almost 15 - a young sophomore, with little internal motivation regarding school and no enthusiasm for anything outside of media (movie, gaming, social media). He has demonstrated, with our oversight and guidance on studying, that he is capable of getting very good grades (high Bs and low As). When given an opportunity to be fully in charge of his own learning, his grades yo-yoed (some math tests went as far down as F) and he struggled to get a C in 9th grade English no thanks to a totally unmotivational 26+ year long career teacher. We had to step in as "tutors" to structure his study time and provide mini-lessons. It was a LOT of work. He has no vision for a possible career path to explore, no goal for what direction he will go in his next 2 years of high school. He is a Boy Scout on the Eagle track. Enjoys scouting but not the work that can be associated with achieving Eagle. Like with homework, it requires something between encouraging and pushing on our part. We are fairly strict about media (generally no video gaming on school nights) and we require (although he most often bucks the rule which is where our battles largely derive) that all mobile devices be placed out of his reach and out of the room where he is doing school work. He sneaks it where it should not be more often than not. He also isn't honest about what school work he does have to do. I get it that he wants to be independent, but he has not shown he is able to make smart choices with that so we expect a daily update on school work. If we can't see it on line he withholds the information. He can't seem to comprehend that this is only hurting himself more and his privileges than helping get what he wants. I don't even want to ask about whether we should get him a smart phone (parental controls on carrier's tie are useless if he has access to wifi) which will allow him to fit in with his peer group. He is generally honest with us about other things we ask him about (where he is going when with friends, etc.) We do not believe that ADD is an issue here as he managed to earn a first degree black belt at a rigorous studio between 3rd and 6th grades. Any ideas who we can work with to help light his fire AND get him to full heartedly treat his academics as his job on the path to get him to where he may really want to be some day. He doesnt have much respect for the knowledgeable organizational coach we have used (I guess because she is an advocate of banning all media on school nights). Colleges look for not just grades, but depth, breadth of life experiences as well as ability to take on rigor. I worry about the rigor part. Many students in our district take AP classes very young and I wonder if he will be ready any time in high school even for just one AP class. We hope that the lifeguard training he has taken will lead to a pool job next summer - a chance to gain confidence and independence. We are open to Jr. college as an option (if it is a best fit since he will only be 17) but are hoping for him to attend a small 4 year college as we'd like to retire then (we are open to temp moving to affordable college community to help make this happen)
Parent Replies
As a parent of a 15 year old who is very similar to your son, I wanted to share with you my perspective. I had to learn to accept my son was not a clone of me, and as a result, has different hopes and dreams for himself than I do. While getting good grades and looking good on a college application was important to me at his age, my son does the bare minimum and races to get things done with little interest in doing high quality work. Here's what has been working for us.
1. Pick your battles. When I was pregnant with my son, I imagined him growing up and getting good grades and doing well in school. But, that's not important to him at all. So, now instead of his letter grades, I focus on the learning. He does well on tests, but gets low grades due to his lack of effort on projects and homework. Rather than battle with him every night/school year about his homework, I emphasize that he needs to learn. If he can show me he is learning, then I let go that it disappoints me that he opts out of extra credit or gets C's in classes he should be getting A's in.
2. Identify your worries. I've said, "I'm worried that you don't care about school now and that it will limit your choices/opportunities as you get older." We talk about life beyond school and what challenges might come up as a result of his academic indifference. He knows that he may not take the traditional path. But, that isn't important to him. That worries me as his parent, but it's my worry. He's a bright, resourceful person. He'll be fine. He definitely won't go to Harvard, and he may struggle at times to find his path, but I've learned to be ok with that. I trust that he will find his place in this world.
3. Give him opportunities outside of school. If school doesn't excite him, then what else will? I used to sign my son up for all kinds of activities, hoping he would get excited about one of them. All that came out of it was him not wanting to do it, and life was much harder for the instructor trying to manage a kid that had no interest in participating. Once he started high school I changed my approach. I said, "You must participate in two activities - one physical to keep your healthy and active, and one extracurricular at school. I don't care what they are, but you must pick something." Once I stopped trying to excite him and put it on him to find things to do, he was easily able to find things that he enjoyed.
4. Appreciate his strengths. Rather than focus on what he's not doing well, celebrate what he is good at. My son is an amazingly empathetic person. He's a great friend and strong communicator. He's a wonderful traveler and enjoys seeing the world. He doesn't get A's in school, but if they gave grades for his other skills, he'd be getting high honors. School is just one part of his childhood and just one way to measure success. It's such a bummer to always focus on the negatives. Once I stopped always prioritizing what he wasn't good, it was amazing how much happier we all were.
5 Set clear and realistic expectations. My kid is never going to stay up all night doing a school project. That's just his personality. But, there are certain things he must do - He must do chores, go to school and be a good person.
6. Natural consequences and earn extras. If he doesn't go above and beyond, neither do I!
Good luck!
If my child was not making a strong effort at schoolwork, was defying device-related rules, and the behavior was resulting in grades as poor as what you describe, he would not have ANY time with video games and only school-related time with devices (e.g., writing a paper on a Chromebook) until he corrected those problems. His social life, and "fitting in," should be prioritized below adequate academic effort and progress. Once he has developed a better work ethic and is getting decent grades, or at least grades you are convinced reflect his best work, then you can think about things like whether he has the right devices to "fit in." He is not ready to manage his time or organize his work independently yet and expecting it of him will just lead to failure. You'll need to help him until he's ready, and part of that help means creating strong incentives and removing distractions. I would hold out the possibility of earning back some weekend video game time, etc., with sustained effort at schoolwork. He really does not yet have the executive function to handle it alone; he still needs your guidance and active support. That said, he can be expected to comply with the structure and rules you set and do his best to pay attention and try to improve, and the right incentives should help. Be clear and unemotional about expectations and consequences and stick to your guns.
BTDT - been there, done that. I have three boys and two of them are like that. Very smart, but couldn't or didn't do the work. It is heartbreaking! Yes, you do need to limit screen time. But honestly, I would say, in retrospect, they really couldn't do what we hoped for them because of the ADD. I didn't realize this until the second one came along. If your son is not already on meds, please attend to that first. Second, if you can, change him to a school that understands ADD kids. It is so defeating for you and your kid to be constantly dealing with a school that is unable to understand the unique needs of a kid with ADD. If you must stay in public school, get him a 504 plan and email/visit constantly to make sure they are accommodating him. Exhausting but worth it. Third, figure out what he's good at and support him in that even if it means other areas suffer. This may mean he's really good at some stupid video game that you can't stand, but it provides him with a little status among his peers. Important for an ADD kid. Also, ADD kids have a lot of focus for exciting fantasy whereas boring topic like algebra and American history (admit it, they are probably boring to you, too) require an extraordinary amount of attention that is difficult for a kid with ADD. Finally, things that have worked for us: Adderall, movies and TV and performances, Bayhill High School, Kevin Arnold the tutor, 3rd, 4th, and 5th chances, Adderall, a sense of humor, Adderall. Try not to worry too much. It all does work out.
Feeling your pain.
The way you describe your son---that sounds like depression to me. The fact that he was a high achiever until middle school then suddenly no enthusiasm for anything (except media) and loss of hope or plan for the future sets my alarm bells ringing
As the guardian of a 17-year-old who has suffered from similar problems, I agree with the parent who stated that you need to take action now. You write that you are "fairly strict about media (generally no video gaming on school nights)". I'm afraid that that is not nearly strict enough! Your son should not be allowed any media on school nights, but on the other hand he should be given the "carrot" of earning the right to a (very specific) number of hours of gaming on weekends.
The same parent mentioned that your son's executive function skills are still in development. She or he is quite right, and so you need to step in to model good executive function.
You also remark that your son "isn't honest about what school work he does have to do." You should make appointments to see all his teachers (with him present) and learn what their assignments will be in the near future. Then explain that you will "supervise" his homework until he has earned the right to do it on his own. That means, when he gets home from school, you ask him what his assignments are, and when he is done with them, you actually look to see that they are finished (and put in their binder, so that he will be sure to turn them in.)
You might also ascertain each teacher's willingness to be in touch with you fairly regularly in the weeks ahead.
This will involve a lot of work on your part, but the time is really now, while he is still relatively young. Since he will resent the "helicoptering," he should soon realize that his best strategy would be to pull his grades up to the point that he has earned the right for you to back off a bit.
Finally, give your son a lot of praise for any, even baby steps on his part. One therapist we saw stated that children need to hear four words of praise to every criticism. That is obviously impossible, but I keep it in mind to remind myself to praise our kid fulsomely for her every accomplishment... no matter how small.
Tough love works.