Alcoholic Friend

I would say be gentle but be honest to yourself - like you say, sit down with her or call her and say, I've observed x, y, and z, and I'm wondering if you have a problem with drinking too much. Listen to what she says. Maybe she herself will volunteer to stay dry at Thanksgiving. If she doesn't, you can then gently ask if that's an acceptable condition to put on your invitation. She'll probably be offended, so you have to weigh its importance to your having a nice holiday.

Personally I would say that wanting to "protect her kid and mine" is probably overreaching. They are teens, so it's okay for them to learn that parents are culpable humans with problems, even big problems, as long as she's not driving drunk with them. (Right?)

You have to voice your concerns or it will eat you alive, and you have every right to do so. I’ve been on both ends of that conversation (before my baby) and there’s no getting around how uncomfortable it is. Honest and empathetic is best. If she doesn’t agree to be dry at your hosted festivities, tell her that’s perfectly fine, but you simply prefer she doesn’t come. That will be hard to say, but it’s OK to say, and you should.

I strongly recommend going to an Al Anon meeting. Al Anon is a twelve step support group for family and friends of alcoholics. You can describe the situation you're facing and ask for other members to advise you after the meeting (giving advice during the meeting - referred to as "cross talk" - is not allowed). 

For my part, I think you can have a conversation with your friend about your observations, your concerns, and ask her not to drink or to moderate her drinking at Thanksgiving. But I think you should keep your expectations low that you will have any impact on her behavior. The alcoholic has to want to change and very little or nothing that you do can impact that. I do think you should focus on what you will do if she drinks to excess at Thanksgiving. It's okay to ask her to leave in that circumstance. You can have boundaries around her drinking. One might be that she doesn't get invited to social events at your home anymore. Al Anon can help you sort this out. But please don't torment yourself thinking you can change her behavior because that is truly beyond your control. 

I really thing there is little you can do unless you are willing to create boundaries that may destroy the friendship. I could not deal with an obnoxious guest. I would tell her that if she drinks or arrives drunk that she will never be invited back. Harsh, I know. 

I have been in your shoes more than a few times lately. It seems as though, in different friend circles, I have noticed friends with alcohol or pill issues. First off, you are opening a can of worms - it’s likely to be unpleasant for you - but it’s worth fighting in my opinion. Just realize that addiction is the result of us being a product of our environment. Truth be told, there was a time in my life beyond my single twenties life where I loved wine a little too much. The love for alcohol creeps up on us. That dopamine rush is just too good. The fact that we live in an instant gratification-oriented  society makes it even more difficult. Also, alcohol is so acceptable and not everyone is in a position to deal with its impact. Yet it’s the stress or emptiness which drives us to want more.

In my experience, with eight different people, specifically with alcohol issues, I have helped four. The other four have either passed away from liver failure or we no longer speak. 

I’ve tried to do the same with all: 

-non judgement attitude. This is huge. Each time I’ve become a bit better at this. 

“Do you want to go to a coffee shop tonight? I have something I need to run past you.” Or, “can you bring the kids over? I have a babysitter for a few hours (or whatever) to play with them. I need to run something past you.”

Engaging them this way is helpful. Everyone has something to offer and everyone wants to make a contribution. 

Now, dig into you and find an issue. Don’t go too heavy but vulnerable. “At school, this teacher did this...” or “Our neighbor made this comment...how would you translate this?” “I’m feeling overwhelmed by...” 

We are now a very compare-ourselves-group-culture. The grass always seems greener. It’s better to know we are all fighting battles.

-Next, DO NOT ORDER/indulge in alcohol. Do something a little out of the ordinary. I brought my exogenous ketones with me as a distraction to show I’m not drinking and to spark a conversation “what are those?” It’s uncomfortable for everyone. “I’ve been feeling low in energy and these aren’t that great for you but I’m doing an extended fast to push my health re-set buttton.” This has helped the most. It shows vulnerability and you can talk the good and bad. Do something health related. But don’t be all Harriet-healthy. Show the highs and lows of the process.

-you might get her to open up about an issue. Let her talk; actively listen. Nod your head, don’t speak when she’s taking, look into her eyes; ask questions. If you can’t at that time, set up another time for her. She may bail. Keep doing these things until you get a small repsonse. This is all a process. Snail speed is the pace you’re going to work at. And know you’re likely to fail in your initial (perhaps many) attempts. 

This is a difficult task. The more we have awareness of how we are losing control and small victories in gaining control, the more confidence we will have to reclaim ourselves. Be open to any pride you may have going by the wayside for a bit. This will be about your friend, not you (I am not implying you think this is about you - perhaps I’m talking about myself in my own experience with this. 

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, and sorry your friend is struggling so. I’ve just begun (through therapy) to realize the effect alcohol has on a loved one in my own life (and me), and my therapist keeps suggesting I check out some Al-anon meetings (they are for spouses, friends, loved ones of people with an alcohol problem). Maybe that could help you.

It took me a long time to realize this person is in the grip of something big and scary that they can’t control. Shaming or trying to control an alcoholic (or someone with dependence) is counterproductive and very likely it won’t go far to just ask your friend not to drink at thanksgiving. If she’s surrounded by alcohol, it’s possible (likely, from what you described) that she doesn’t really have the self control to not drink, and she may need help. As my therapist said: they probably currently see alcohol as the solution (drown the pain, deal with stress), rather than the problem. 

I have little experience thus far, in effectively dealing with alcohol abuse, but first of all...it’s never going to work to talk to your friend while drunk.

Wait for a sober, safe time. I’ve started writing out how I feel when this person drinks, to try to lovingly communicate the profound effect it has on me. It seems imperative to begin to help them see that it’s a problem for others, and not just something they are doing to (or by or with) themselves.

Until they understand the effect on others, (or their own health) they may not feel compelled to seek help, and may be beyond the point of just stopping without help.

Above all, communicate how you care for, and love your friend and her child. No matter what. But - that the alcohol  is becoming a problem.

My 2 cents. I’m on my own journey.

It’s a beast. My therapist also recommended this alternative to AA: hipsobriety.com which could possibly help your friend. But it sounds like she is in an awful lot of pain and needs to grieve and work through a bunch of stuff before anything else (maybe).

A few thoughts from the heart. This sounds hard, and I'm sorry for everyone involved!

In my opinion, you are on safe (though probably still uncomfortable) ground if you:

- Use "I" statements ("I feel worried when I see you visibly drunk because I worry about the impact on our kids")

- Talk about behavior (like not treating others politely in a social situation, etc.), while reinforcing how much you value her/care about her as a person

You probably can't "fix" this, but you can draw boundaries that keep you in a zone that feels reasonable.  While this type of confrontation may feel shocking to her, it may also be part of her recovery, eventually, if you decide to engage in this way.

Would it help to make a plan with her in advance for Thanksgiving, like "I'm looking forward to spending time with you at Thanksgiving, but I'm not comfortable being around people who are drunk in family situations. I'll call a Lyft to get you home if that happens at Thanksgiving - hopefully it won't be an issue"...?

Thank you to all of you shared your time and wisdom! You've helped me feel stronger in drawing some boundaries as well as trying to be a support. Much appreciated.