After an Emotional Affair
My spouse had an emotional affair with a co-worker two years ago. He asked for an open marriage to have a physical relationship with this person, which I declined. (No judgment, just not for me.) The first year was a tough but growing time in our marriage. We talked (and listened) a lot about what led to that point. We recognized the role we each played in our marital strife. A few months after the affair, he found a new job, albeit at a firm where this person also occasionally consulted. A year later, she went to work for this firm also, so here we are two years later -- they still have weekly meetings alone (not optional) and occasionally get together for coffee or lunch (clearly optional). They still have long business trips a couple times a year together (not alone). I trust him when he says that they have not returned to their emotional affair, but he wants to remain friends with her. He doesn't have many friends, so he says he values their friendship. He says he likes her (at the time of the affair, he said he loved her) and they enjoy talking to each other. He says he is still physically attracted to her but wouldn't act on it, because I've drawn the line and he loves me too much and wants our marriage to survive/grow. I told him that I find his unwillingness to give up the friendship hurtful and difficult to understand. Have you experienced a similar situation, either as the party in my shoes or in my spouse's? How did you handle it? Did your marriage survive? If so, what helped most? I'm not looking to hurl stones or to give up on my marriage, but I also want to protect my own self-worth and not be blind. Thanks!
Parent Replies
I did experience something similar. My marriage did not survive. I am more aware now of things that I should have done, but was not eager that back then. I am happy to chat if you are open to.
Hi Anonymous, this sounds really difficult and it sounds like you're grappling intelligently and gracefully with it. I have so much respect and admiration for you, you are resilient, patient and compassionate. I have not experienced this exact situation, but due to a hiccup in my own marriage recently (and without the time or money to afford couples therapy), I began listening to Esther Perel's podcast "Where Should We Begin?" (https://www.estherperel.com/podcast) -- and been skimming her new book "The State of Affairs." I know offering these pop cultural resources is not the same as offering advice from a personal experience. But if you have a long commute or time to plug in, it might help foster connection and divine community with the millions of couples who are going through something similar. You are not alone.
Yours in solidarity,
An Anonymous Friend
It is addictive and you have to treat it like an addiction. The only way out is for him to completely stop seeing her. Every time he sees her the pathways in his brain are reactivated and reinforce his feelings. You can’t will yourself to “like” instead of “love”.
Yikes. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t have any experience with this so I can’t give you the kind of advice you are looking for. I just wanted to hop on here and tell you how understanding you are, he is lucky to have you in his life.
Have you discussed how disrespectful he is being? Essentially it sounds like he is trying to “have it all” and isn’t taking you into consideration. If the roles were reversed and you had the same kind of a relationship with another man outside of your marriage would your husband be ok with that?
wishing you all the best and I hope you get some insight from others on here!
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I've been in your shoes. I believe you are right to see this emotional affair as a threat. Perhaps a marriage counselor might help your husband to understand your perspective, and why your husband needs to come up with a caring response to your concerns. Unfortunately, you can't control your husband's behavior. Just your own. My fear is that the situation is worse than you know. Hopefully I'm wrong, but if you find this to be true, check out the 180 on surviving infidelity.com.
My ex-husband did this over and over again with different people during our 8-year marriage. I didn't understand what was happening while I was still married to him, just knew that it made me very uncomfortable. In retrospect, he was addicted to seeking out women in his working world, befriending them, sometimes carpooling with them, and becoming consumed with them. Not sure if it ever went to a physical level, because the women all knew me to some extent and were all kind and friendly people. I do know that his energy spent on this pursuit definitely impacted what he had left to give to the family. We have been divorced for many years. He continued this pattern after our divorce and into his next marriage, which eventually ended in divorce and with him actually marrying the woman of his emotional affair at that time. I am so glad that we did finally split up and I got to move towards figuring out what does and does not work for me. I have a lot of sympathy for what you are enduring, and hope that you can come to the understand that you deserve to be respected and cherished.