Affair - How to Move On

I haven't been in this exact situation, tho my ex did cheat on me and it broke my heart and made me angry for many years. I'd just like to say to forgive yourself for your feelings of rage, betrayal and pain! Your situ sounds super rough. I would feel the same. I would imagine that some of what you feel is despair for yourself that you chose this person, and maybe still love them - Ive felt that. Today, many years after we separated, my ex and I do get along reasonably well - but it took time, and I suspect time is really the answer here. I'd like to suggest you find a new therapist and get one for your children too. Things cannot be the same and they need help understanding that and learning how to navigate this. You need support - you are not the bad guy. I am usually one who preaches getting along for the kids, but if it were me, I would not be spending much time with this guy for a long time. Stepping back will give you the time you need to process all this. Set some boundaries and model for your children that when someone treats you horribly, you don't suppress your pain and act like everything is okay. I think a good family therapist could help you come up with some creative ways to give a little of what the kids want and give you major space to recover. Good luck. 

Hi there, just want to let you know that you are not alone. I am in a similar situation yet we haven't started the divorce process yet. I feel for you and your kiddos.

I think both your spouse and your kids are asking too much of you. Your kids, very understandable - but what they are asking is that you behave as if you were still married.  That's not realistic, or workable - it will just increase your resentment and make it impossible for you to move on.  Also, where would your spouse's new love be in all this?? Your spouse wanting to be "friends" is also not workable. Friends don't treat friends the way he has treated you.  

What is reasonable is for you to be civil and polite. You are civil and polite to many people who aren't your friends -  your boss, co-workers, the checker at the supermarket.  Treat your ex as you would a valued co-worker you need to maintain a good relationship with in order to get an important job done: i.e., raising your kids.  But you do not need to be friends with him or have anything to do with him outside the job. 

Your kids may benefit from family therapy, too.  You yourself may need a different therapist.  

I recommend getting a new therapist. 

You are spending too much of your energy thinking about him and what he did to you, and not about yourself. You should start redefining yourself as a person outside this relationship, which has now ended. Yes, it ended badly, but all relationships last as long as both people are on board, even marriage, and you knew that from the start. Don't let his bad behavior become the excuse for you to keep yourself hooked in the past. Start by focusing on self-care, whatever that means for you, whether it's spa days, exercise, new activities, music, shows, cooking, anything. Take time off work, if you can. Lean in on existing friendships and make new connections. You are starting a new chapter in your life - what do you want it to be about? Once you're settled on a vision for yourself and your life in the future, you'll be in a better place to handle relationships with your ex and coparenting demands. You owe this to yourself and your kids, so start now. Sending lots of love.  

My situation was similar. However, I only felt disappointment, not anger or bitterness. This is because his actions were a reflection of him, not of me. My (ex-) husband made the decision to have the affair due to his own ego, it had nothing to do with me or my worth as a person or wife.

It has now been several years and he has treated the women in his subsequent relationships about the same as he did to me. Confirming that the issue is him, not me or any other woman, and I feel badly for them too.

We did have family dinners and outings for a while until he moved out of state, then regular phone and video calls. Keeping up contact has been good for our child, who is now a young adult.

The first couple of years of holidays were sad for me, seeing my siblings and cousins with their happy families, but I reminded myself it is better to be happier without my ex. Good luck.

Hi - I found the Kids' Turn classes really useful. 

Structure

• Kids’ Turn is a 6- week workshop, meeting once a week for 1.5 hours.

• We separate Parents of the same child in different groups and Children’s Group (divided by age for children). All groups are facilitator-led.

• There are different workshops are based on age of the child(ren). 

I feel your pain.  My husband had a lengthy affair when our kids were in middle school.  The feeling of rejection is intense.  Be good to yourself.  I tried to "stay on my side of the street" and focus on myself and who I wanted to be.  I sought support from a variety of places, individual therapy, a variety of weekend workshops, yoga, and online support from groups like Beyond Affairs.  I regularly spilled all my pain and sorrow into a journal.  It felt cathartic.  I got massages once a month, even though money was tight.  Strange to say, but after much time in darkness, I blossomed.  Best wishes to you on your journey.

I want to second, third and fourth the ideas already posted: what your partner has done is awful and selfish and he (& your kids) are asking too much of you, too soon. You need time to be furious and heartbroken and you need supportive friends and professionals who allow you that space and time. Once you have found that support, then you can consider taking a “kids first” kind of co-parenting class (you do not take it simultaneously with your spouse or kids) to help you develop boundaries and clear communication skills as you navigate this new world. I took one in Maine but they are country-wide and also virtual, and for me the lessons were essential to my well-being and that of my child, after his dad and I divorced. It’s great if your partner agrees to take a similar class, so you have a shared framework going forward — but not essential. I wish you and your kids all the best. 

This happened to my mother by my father. Not one single affair but 3 long term affairs of 1 or more years. The last broke the marriage. He stayed with that last one for several more years but broke up with her too breaking her heart. These affairs left my mom hurt, furious, ashamed and betrayed. It took her years to get past it, like 10 years or more. I still to this day can't explain why he couldn't just be honest. But he wasn't. As a tween then teen watching this and seeing it now from 40+ years later, I would say the quicker you can realize your spouse is just a selfish thoughtless jerk that you are lucky to be rid of now and not waste another 10 years with you are better off. Please don't let him waste more of your time. Easier said than done I know but try to view him as a half-person, meaning he's incapable of being an honest and good partner because he has major personality problems that will not go away. There is a very high chance he'll do the same to the next woman or something equally selfish. 40+ years later it is clear my dad had major problems despite his charming and educated exterior, and my mom realized that she was lucky to be free of him. I think she regretted very much the years she spent angry with him - because part of that is a wish it could have worked out or why aren't you go enough - switch as quickly as you can that you are lucky to be done with him now. Your anger is completely justified and it is extra hard to become a co-parent now. Join a support group. But try not to let it consume you because it is the anger that will eat you up.  My mom starting walking in the evenings to get out of the house, this became a life long passion. She also signed up for a ceramics class and that too became a life long passion but still it took her a long time to let go because I think she still had wanted the marriage to work, only after did it become apparent he was damaged. My mom ended up living a far more productive, healthy and fulfilling life than my dad. Please don't waste time like my mom did. Try as soon as possible to see your ex as simply being a very damaged person now, incapable of being your or anyone's partner. Just like you wouldn't expect or get mad when someone with a hearing problem who can't hear you, try to see him like that, it might help remove the anger. I feel for you and am supporting you in my thoughts and hoping that you can move forward quickly.