Separating after a long relationship, older kids
I am looking for some guidance or ideas as I initiate separation from my husband. We have been together for 25 years, married for 15 and have a 12 and 7 year old. Nearly all of my friends are blissfully married and I could use some kind of support group or meet up with other people navigating this or who have made it through to the other side. I am also so overwhelmed and confused about the practical aspects of separation and divorce - we stretched to buy a house and I want to keep it for the kids to have stability, but we cannot afford to get even one other home let alone each of us get a separate apartment so we can do a nest for the kids. I have read previous posts about people who live together through separation- that sounds like a complete nightmare. My 12 year old really needs his own room so two bedrooms would be tight and kids would never want to stay with the parent with less space- it all feels so hard. I know I’ll need to meet with a lawyer to figure out finances at some point but really want to keep things as cooperative as possible so don’t want to rush there first- just really struggling to figure out a path forward. We’ve been in counseling for a year and it helped me realize I cannot stay in this marriage but so far hasn’t helped in the practicalities of separating.
Parent Replies
Hi - I’m at the tail end of a divorce. My kids are college-age, so not quite the same level of challenges, but if it’s helpful to chat, please free free to reach out. Good luck! It’s hard, but you have a long life to live and it WILL eventually get better and easier.
I am a long separated parent (still legally married, but separated and amicable for many years) and I have several divorced friends with amicable relationships. You are facing profound life change. I don’t think you can expect to keep the house, you both need comfortable places to live (but your older kid does not need a private space. I know tons of older kids who share rooms). If you leave your marriage the house will not provide a sense of stability for your children. Nothing will. I bought my own house and my ex and I have meals together, attend games together, et etc. It doesn’t matter. True stability and security are deeply changed. Kids will survive, but you can’t make this decision without causing incredible heartbreak and pain for everyone - especially you. I don’t want to go back to my ex, but the fallout is intense and unending. Be sure you want this.
Hello! Sending a hug. It is going to be ok. I'm still freshly separated (it's been less than a year) so definitely not giving advice, just sharing some ideas. I wish I knew about support groups, as, like you, I'm the only one of my friends facing a separation. Here are some resources that helped me:
1) Reading this book: Better Apart --> https://bookshop.org/p/books/better-apart-the-radically-positive-way-to-separate-gabrielle-hartley/7945085. I stumbled on it at a used bookstore and it is SO good. A calming read that will help you find peace as you navigate (I'm not usually a self-help book person, but this felt accessible and practical).
2) Working with this attorney: Allison Beck is a Collaborative Divorce Professional, and her guidance has been very thorough and helpful through this process: https://resolveforward.com/about. Also, this list of mediators helped, too: https://collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com
3) Digging into these blog posts and the comments: Joanna Goddard's writing about her experience -- and the comments from others who have been through this -- helped me feel less alone: https://cupofjo.com/tag/divorce
Finally, I have not read her book yet, but the information Aurisha Smolarski shares on Instagram has been really helpful regarding how to parent through this process: https://www.aurishasmolarski.com/book.
If is is helpful, since you mentioned all your friends are all blissfully married: one big surprise as I've talked to friends about my marriage ending is how many are NOT blissfully married. Many are, and they have been immensely supportive even though our lives are going in different directions. But many are also struggling with challenges I NEVER knew about until opening up. Just sharing as we often have no idea what is happening in other people's relationships.