6th grader doesn't have friends at school
Child joined a K-8th private school for the 6th grade. They're excelling academically but have no friends at school. I recognize social challenges are common in middle school, but I'm concerned because it is atypical for our child. They had never had trouble making friends in a new setting. They had always been able to make connections and build friendships naturally and quickly in different settings and across gender. But, at this new school, something isn't clicking.
Kid is mature, bright, quick witted, non-sporty and a bit nerdy. They often remind me of a juvenile version of Conan O'Brien.
Although we were told that the school is not sporty, we feel a bit misled. Only about 13 kids (out of a ~60 kid cohort) do not play sports after school. Since my kid hates sports, this is limiting their potential friend prospects. It feels like it's really hard to make friends at this school, if you don't play sports.
About 18 kids are new, joining in the 6th grade. Of the 18 new kids, about 5 kids are not sporty. My child had a falling out with one of the non-sporty new kids, so child isn't in the new kid, non-sporty friend group.
They haven't said they are miserable at school (yet) but they have said that they do not like school and hate recess and lunch. They said that there are a couple of kids that they can see being friends with but those kids have been at the school since K, so they can't break into that friend group. They talk with those kids in class but during lunch/recess those kids are with their group and my kid isn't part of that group. Unless my child finds their tribe soon, I fear the writing is on the wall and the child will really start hating school.
Child is in clubs and after school (non-sport) activity at school. However, they said that they don't really see being friends with any kids in clubs or after school activity which is production and skills oriented, and kids don't really have a chance to talk during the activity. It is starting to look like child is giving up on making friends at school.
Child has a very robust extracurricular life outside of school and has close friends through those activities (X / Y). They live for these activities outside of school and have often said "I'll go to school because you won't let me go to X / Y, if I don't go to school" They say their friends are at X/Y and not at school.
On one hand, I keep thinking this is middle school. Social challenges are inevitable, and it's a valuable life experience for my kid. But, I don't know if my child knows or is learning how to navigate these challenges. Child doesn't like to share feelings and doesn't consult with us. Child also refuses therapy.
On the other hand, I am so sad for my kiddo and cry a lot for them. Especially at the price of a private school, we want our child to have a decent social and academic life. There's no guarantee that their social life will be better at another school, so maybe we need to give this school more time. But, right now, I don't see where our child's tribe is or will come from within this school. (Neither does my kid.)
I'm so sad for my kid who appears to be retreating into their shell. (A kid who was formerly well liked by peers and had multiple friend groups at their old school is now friendless at their new school)
I'd appreciate any perspectives or word of advice. Thank you.
-- Weeping parent
Parent Replies
It is reeeeally early for new friendships if your child is only six weeks into middle school at a new school, especially one where 2/3 of the kids already knew each other. Give it some time. Our child is at a school that sounds quite similar--takes about a third of the class new in sixth grade. Our particular kid was continuing at the school from the lower school there, but still had a lot of friendships transitioning. Very few of the Lower School friend groups stayed intact moving into middle school—friendships shuffle and personalities change. My kid is in seventh grade now and a year later, the friends they have are quite different from the kids they hung out with in those early weeks of sixth grade. It's also pretty typical for 20% of kids not to play sports at a K-8--at our school, kids are encouraged to play team sports in middle school for the experience of being on a team, if nothing else, and the sports are far from competitive. (Guessing this may be true for your school too since most of the area K-8 schools play in the same league--and they're playing things like pickleball and ultimate frisbee and cross country.) The teams shift every season so there will be other opportunities to play sports, and if your child just isn't into sports, there will be different sets of kids who don't play a sport in the other two seasons. There may well also be school-based extracurriculars that start as you get further into the year, too, which will create different spaces to connect with classmates. If your child has an advisor or homeroom teacher or other point of contact, reach out and get their read on how things are going socially. You may well learn that many kids are still getting their bearings and forming new friendships, which would be pretty typical for most sixth graders at this point in the fall. You might also ask how kids are supported during recess and lunch, which tend to be unprogrammed social spaces and often benefit from some scaffolding by adults. I'd check in periodically, but definitely wouldn't worry unless you get to the spring and your child still feels lost and unable to find new friends. For sixth graders, though, March is a long, long, way away.
It is so hard to see our kids struggle! I agree with the previous response, it is early days for 6th-grade friendships and settling in at a new school. I teach in a similar school and my kid changed school in middle school so I see that it often takes time for new kids to feel connected. It can take months but it does happen. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on the sports vs non-sports issue. It is great that your kid has friendships and interests outside of school so they can feel that continuity while they build relationships in their new place. As a parent, can you ask your kid for one or two people they like at school and invite them to do something on the weekend? Sometimes things like that help build connection.
I will say that I am concerned by how much this is impacting you. It sounds like this is touching a wound you carry. You mention that your kid won't go to therapy but have you considered going yourself? It would be helpful for you to have support as you navigate your worries and feelings so you can model resilience for your kiddo. Validating your kid's feelings while giving them the message that things will work out is a strategy that works for a variety of issues but you need to get to a place of confidence and balance yourself to do that. Parenting is hard! You got this!
I don't think you reported any feedback from the adults at the school. While you mention many insights into what your child is like and how they are resonding to their new social situation, I hope you have contacted the teachers that they feels see them best to ask what the teachers or lunchtime supervisors are observing about how they are managing social interactions or how they are expressing their inner feelings to the other students and staff either intentionally or maybe without even being aware of what they are communicating to those around them. I had a long career working with children and families in school settings and outside of school. It genrally is true that your child's options only two: a) find out which of They's behaviors are pushing people away and then work on becoming aware of those behaviors and managing them more succefully; b) use the adults at the school as allies to help you understand what they see and then enlist their help to help connect your child with others. These things are hard and take a lot of patience--be as gentle with yourself as you are being with your child.
Is there a staff person at the school who would be good to talk to about this? At my child’s middle school (also an independent school), the students had advisors who acted as points of contact for parents needing to ask any questions or raise any concerns. I found school staff very helpful for looking out for my kid and trying to create extra support when needed.
As a parent of teens, I know how much it hurts when your kiddo seems isolated and unhappy. I want to share my own experience (from a very long time ago!) of switching to a school in 7th grade where about 2/3rds of kids had been attending since 5th grade. It was hard! I was socially adrift -- suddenly on the fringe and feeling very uncool/unconfident. I had to hide my tears at breakfast every morning for the first few months. But then it got better! By winter I had a new bestie and was feeling so much more comfortable and settled. Also, although I stayed at my same school through 12th grade, my friend group shifted a lot in 9th grade and then again in 10th grade before settling for the rest of high school. I noticed the same shifts and friend group re-orgs when my daughters were starting high school as well. So that's all to say: this is a time of transitions and it will get better! Good for you for helping your child maintain friendships outside of school, those will be sustaining. Life has ups and downs and I think it's valuable for your child to learn that they are resilient and can get through a rough patch at this young age.
I agree with other posters that you need to give it more time. But I also think you should consider trying a bigger pond. A big public middle school will have every imaginable type of kid to choose from! My 3 kids have an assortment of quirks but the one who was hardest to please found another kid just like him in the ocean of Willard Middle School. Heaven!
Sorry to hear about this. I'll offer a different perspective than that of the other posters and say that it's still early, but don't let it go on too long if things aren't getting better. My son was also one of the new cohort in a middle school that takes 1/3 new students in 6th grade (maybe the same one?). He was a fun, social, interactive kid in his public grade school, but when he started at the private middle school he felt excluded and never really found his footing socially. The main advisors at the school essentially told us that this was a learning experience for him and that he was the one rubbing other students the wrong way, rather than the other students being overly clique-y and exclusionary. He even joined the basketball team as a way to connect with more of his peers, and while they were civil to him, that was it. Many things about the school were wonderful and I think it gave my son a strong academic footing, but it definitely hurt his self-confidence socially and he ended up spending a lot of time alone. Then, as soon as he started at a public high school, everything was back on track for him socially. Great circle of friends, etc. Lots of social activities in and out of school. Nonetheless, he never lost that feeling of being lesser-than and was more anxious about his friend group than he was before middle school.
Long story short, I wish that I had pushed harder and had not let things go on in a negative way for so long. In retrospect, while there were lots of wonderful things about his middle school experience academically, I do wonder whether it was worth it given his loneliness on the social and peer group side of things. Trust your instincts on this one.
Hi, both my kids have had to do multiple school transitions and it does take time to make friends. We always thought our younger one had a hard time making friends, but in the last school transition, even my older one took half the school year to make any friends whom she would talk to outside of the classroom. One thing I try to do is not to over-focus on school friendships - if they have friends at school, great; if not, they have their family and other people in their life who care for them. Eventually they do end up making friends at school (sometimes close, sometimes not-so-close) but not making school the focus of friendships does take some of the pressure off.
I understand that sitting alone at recess or lunch can be difficult and lonely. Can your son carry a book he likes, or a game he likes to fiddle with, and read/use that during recess/lunch? It's not the worst idea to build some capacity for being on your own (even in a crowd). You can also set up meet-ups outside of school if he is open to it and if other kids are available. Other than that, please let him know this phase is common, and will change with time.