2 or 3 kids

I'm not in your pool of respondents, but I just thought I'd pipe up to say that we have 2, now teens/college age and I've wished often over the years that we had 3. Two felt fine at the time, but as they grew I saw that 3 could provide a good balance. Our 2 love each other but are VERY different people and often at odds. I definitely think a 3rd sibling would have lightened things a bit, and brought even more love into our lives and our family. Also, as they are now dating I'm really enjoying the extra kids around and wishing we had had more. So, fwiw, that is my experience looking back. If I had to do it over, I'd have had another. It wasn't the case for me, but hopefully this is a blessing in disguise! I hope this is helpful.

Sending you so much love with this decision, especially at this time of year! We had a third pregnancy and were as a couple in deep disagreement about wanting 3, so we ended the pregnancy - I could not imagine going forward with another baby when my partner was so strongly opposed. It was very hard for me and for us as a couple, we did therapy for a while, and we are still together and happy with our family. I still look at my kids and think "wow, a 3rd kid would shift this dynamic so much!" I still look at other families with 3 and imagine how old our third would be now and feel a bit of envy. At the same time, I am highly aware of the financial and emotional opportunity costs that we did not have to deal with. I know we would not have been able to give our 2 kids the experiences (especially travel) that we all love; I shudder at the thought of managing a third kid's schedule of birthday parties and activities; we both work full time and could not stay in the Bay Area with less income, so I know we would have made so many different choices if we were a family of five instead of four. Either way you go, I think you will have some moments of "Thank goodness" and other moments of "If only" and that it will be a lifelong tension. I wish you self-compassion and deep honesty as you make your decision and make peace with the future you choose. Good luck and hugs!!!!!!

I'm one of four, and the last was a "surprise." It did go well and although my parents loved them, they did not get the kind of care they should have, and were far too aware that they were an accident.. Everyone's milage varies, but if you feel like your family is complete, I would trust your instincts.

I had a surprise 3rd pregnancy when my two other kids were teenagers, so it's a little different than your situation.  I will say that I struggled a lot with the decision of what to do but we ultimately decided to become a family of 5.  We love our 3rd so much and the older kids do too.  That being said, she has a huge personality and is a handful to say the least and I'm so, so tired.  Sometimes I feel, not regret exactly, but just a melancholy feeling about the road not taken - the empty nester life of travel, hobbies, and less responsibilities that thought I was going to have at this age. But life had other plans for me.  Good luck with your decision, and I hope you find peace with whatever you decide.

There is no right or wrong answer in this situation so whatever you decide you should feel comfort in the decision.  Our kids are 2 and 6, and while they are very cute and we love them tremendously, imagining having a 3rd right now is beyond what my spouse and I feel capable of managing.  I've been laid off twice in the last 2 years and the unpredictable nature of the job market/economy has had a negative impact on my self confidence and our ability to provide for our children.  There is also the logistics of our house is small and we're not really in a position to stay in Berkeley and afford something bigger if we were considering a 3rd child.  I feel an obligation to provide for my children the same level of opportunity I had growing up and candidly I wouldn't be able to do that for a 3rd child and stay in the region.  It's really hard to separate the emotional side of the conversation from the logistical side of it.  Do you have a car big enough for three kids, do your respective careers offer sufficient time off to care for a new child, financially can you afford childcare/education for all your kids if you had another to the mix?

For my spouse and I, we decided that it's possible to love your children and also want a future in which you and your spouse again have a relationship that isn't solely based on being parents.  I want to be able to travel and have other experiences with my spouse in 17-20 years and adding another child to the mix would make that more challenging.

I was in a similar situation with two kids around the same age when I decided to end our surprise pregnancy. I was worried about time, bandwidth, finances, my age, displacing my younger child's role as the baby, and not being able to provide all the time and energy I felt my two existing kids needed. This was about 5-6 years ago, and I still don't know if it was the right decision. I do feel a lingering regret that I think will take a long time to go away (if it ever does). From time to time, I think that my third child would be this age by now, or would be in that grade at school, etc. In hindsight, I think we could have toughed out the first few, hardest years, and then we would have had another person in our family whose presence we could have enjoyed for the rest of our lives. My family does feel complete, but I think it would have felt even fuller and more complete with the third child, if that makes sense. As my two children get older, I also miss having a young child around the house. If we had a third child, we would have felt significant financial strain and our lives would have looked very different, but I can't help thinking that in the end the joy of having another child around probably would have been worth it. Sometimes I remember to tell myself that I just don't remember how hard it was to have a baby or toddler and I have no idea if the stress of having a third child would have strained our existing family relationships. So the only insight I can truly provide is that I was in the same situation, and while ending the pregnancy was initially easy for me to deal with, and I am generally content and happy with my family, I do sometimes feel a recurring sadness and regret and wonder who my third child would have been.

Oh, how well I remember the ache of that decision.  Our two kids were 4 and 1 and we opted not to proceed with the third pregnancy.  I had been very open to having 3 but my husband was still overwhelmed and a bit depressed by the ways in which 2 had changed our lives.  I worried about the impact on my youngest of having another so soon--worried that he would be deprived of my attention, since I still remembered how much my focus had been split while I was pregnant with #2.  We ended up deciding not to proceed but to leave the question of a third open.  My OB-GYN advised that, given my age (40), if we thought we wanted a third we should go for it now--and she was right because I never got pregnant again.  But ultimately at the time I couldn't do that to my husband, who I knew really didn't know if he could handle it.  Bottom line?  I know it was the right decision for our family but I've regretted it my entire life.  Sometimes when I look at photos of the four of us, I see a little shadow in the background of the child that never was--and seeing what wonderful people my now-adult children have turned out to be makes it harder.  Life has its really wrenching decisions that you always wonder about.  That was mine.

I am not in your exact pool of parents as I have only one child but want to share observations from different families I know where there was a third surprise pregnancy.   In one case, the mama, a dear friend of mine, felt so anxious about having a third that she decided to have an abortion and felt ever since that it was the right decision.  She's someone who traveled alot for her work and her husband was a doctor and did not travel for work.   In a different case, a friend kept the pregnancy and having a third child created enormous chaos in a family that wasn't great at planning.  It was too much and as this child grew up, I was worried because my friend, her mother, seemed resentful of her.  Now, that child is a grown up and doing incredibly well and brings her parents much joy.  She and her sister finally became close recently and their brother is a little quirky and they're fine with him.  My feeling is that I wish I had had more children.  But I think that it's important to hire help so that you can cope with everyone's needs, including your own.  It sounds as though you can afford it and your other two children might love having a baby in the house.  One never knows, however, what will fall in the basket meaning the child's temperament.  Could be wonderful; could be difficult.  Keep talking to those you trust about this and follow your gut.  Good luck!!!!

I haven't been in your situation but just wanted to send you some compassion and wish you the best as you move forward with whatever you decide to do. 

Hi - my situation is different but also very similar. I have a 7 and 4 year old - my four year old is adopted. This summer her birth mother had another baby and CFS requested I take custody and adopt her. I said yes, she's coming to live with us full time on Jan 6, and we have her about half time now. I could have said no (like you) but this baby also already existed and I had nothing to say about that decision, I could only influence her future as an already-living-being. This is all combined with a recent separation from my husband.... not easy stuff. We don't get to see the future. We can speculate on the what ifs and maybes and would-this-have-been-better but that's all just speculation and we'll never know what the "better" choice is, so my advice is to let go of all that worry and if you can do that - listen to yourself. The future is unknown no matter what choice you make. I hope that makes some sense. I

My youngest sister was born when I was 13 years old, and my second sister was 10. Within the first few months, we were captivated with her, and totally forgot how horrified we were qhen our parents told us we were going to have a new sibling. Over the years (I am now 60 years old!), our youngest sister has kept us young, introduced us to various things we might not have come across, and offered a perspective that has been important for me. Now, all three of us feel like we are the same age, and the 13 years difference has truly shrunk. I cannot imagine my life without both of my sisters, we talk and laugh together every week, and am so grateful for them both. I know that you will do what works best for you — I just wanted you to know my experience. 

Hi. I had a surprise pregnancy when mine were 2 and 4. At one point, I thought I might want 3, but when I found out, I was filled with dread. I hated being pregnant and was totally overwhelmed with the two I already had. We (especially me) really struggled with the decision but decided to terminate the pregnancy. As it turned out, it was likely not a viable pregnancy anyway. However, I have felt some regret and twinges of "what if" over the years. Now that my kids are teenagers, I am so glad we have two. It just feels right. I'm so sorry you are in this position -- it is such a hard, life-changing decision. In the end, you have to go with what you feel in your gut and what your heart is telling you. Best of luck to you.

We have three, ages 2, 3, and 5. The third was wanted but earlier than planned, so a semi-surprise. Life with three young kids is tough, I won't lie. I'm sure it will get easier when they're older, but I'm not sure when. Resources are stretched between them - of course money, but also time, attention, patience, our ability to take them to extracurricular and social activities... Just dropping them all off at three different schools/daycares every morning is a feat and then we just have to do it again the next day. A lot of things that would be doable and fun with two, suddenly seem insurmountable with three. For example, how do you go swimming with three kids that can't swim on their own and only two parents? It can be done but is a lot more logistically challenging and tiring. All of this adds up to a lot of stress on our marriage, as well.

Your situation might be a little easier because you have larger age gaps. And I'm sure when they're older I will look back and be glad that we have three. They are all delightful, very different people who balance each other out, and when they play well together, it is one of the best feelings. But I don't want to sugarcoat how stretched we have been to manage all of it.

Good luck with your decision, I hope I haven't been too negative but wanted to be honest.

Original poster here - wow, I am so overwhelmed and appreciative of all the deeply thoughtful responses here. I just skimmed them all at work and am almost crying from the honesty and love. It feels so weird (and good!) to be so seen by so many strangers. Thank you all. I will be reading all the replies in depth tonight. Thanks to those who replied and keep ‘em coming! This week has continued to be a roller coaster of back and fourth on the decision for us <3

I had the same situation. Kids were 2 and 5. People were really not kind about my ambivalence. It was like “why dont you just end it?” I knew for me i would regret it and had for most of my life wanted three kids, but changed my mind after the second. Our third has brought unbelievable joy to our life but its a big deal to have so many more years of diapers, sleeplessness and the expense is wild. I truly think my life would have been equally as full without the third but I would have always wondered and it feels good to finally be done. But anyone who ends at two is making an equally very good choice.