1st grader is disengaged at school, says he's tired
I'm at a loss for what to do with our 1st grader. We received a message from his teacher 3 weeks into school that since the first week of school he has been off task, is often lying down in the reading area instead of with the group and for many times throughout the day not following instructions. I wouldn't describe him as a defiant kid who never listens, so I was shocked by this behavior! (He's a typical 6 year old who rolls his eyes and drags his feet when asked to clean up or do things he doesn't want to do but will eventually do it), His explanation to us and his teacher is that he is "so tired he just wants to lie down" and that "1st grade is boring, there's only books to play with and not toys (like they had for choice time in K)". I suspect he's bored rather than tired - he's running around like crazy during recess and has energy for after-school activities and playing. But he hasn't mastered the concepts being taught so I don't think it's boredom because he's not challenged.
How do we help him pay attention and follow instructions? Part of the shock hearing this is his lack of reverence or respect for his teacher which is the total opposite of how I acted in school - I don't think that aspect is registering for him. We've talked about the importance of how we have to push through hard feelings of tiredness or boredom and follow instructions and how it shows respect to the teacher and other students when we do. It's been better since we learned about what is going on and have given him daily reminders but what else can we do to foster the skills of being an attentive, "good" student? He hasn't exhibited ADD or ADHD signs in other parts of his life and he's not being outwardly loud, disruptive or physical - but maybe we need to revisit?
What is going on?? I wan't to nip this in the bud early in his school career.
Parent Replies
One of two things / he has a tongue tie or restricted breathing and isn’t sleeping well at night and/or he needs a different learning environment. At 6 yrs old the teacher needs to be more concerned with respecting this angelic child’s needs than the opposite. Maybe forest school? I highly recommend the Dr Becky podcast for scripts on how to talk through these things
Is it possible he's not reading social cues properly? Our ASD kid had trouble with that. He just didn't realize that he needed to
actually do what he was being asked to do.
We got help from Shelly Hansen in Oakland.
I know you mention your son is active and playing at recess but I would still prioritize increasing the amount of sleep he’s getting at night, by moving up his bedtime at night if you can. It can be harder for a tired kid to focus than for them to play, and the lying down on the rug at school and saying to you after that he was just “tired” makes this a possibility to explore I think. Second, since you mention your son hasn’t yet mastered the concepts they’re learning in school, I would suggest exploring exactly what his level of understanding is. Some kids disengage when they don’t understand what’s going on, and in that case some extra academic support could be helpful. If you have ruled out tiredness and academic challenges I would then suggest exploring your son’s understanding of what are the expectations for behavior in first grade and any interventions that can help him remember these expectations throughout the day. It sounds like you are already reminding him before school to be on task, and you said it’s gotten a bit better since you’ve been doing that. If his teacher is willing to be in daily communication you could try some kind of contract for a reward that your son can earn related to doing a specific behavior you are worried he isn’t doing. So for example “if you are able to sit on the reading rug and transition back with the group, and your teacher says you do this every day for a week, then I will take you to get ice cream on Friday”… or whatever. These types of contracts can be pretty effective when the issue is with attention and motivation.
It’s hard to find a provider these days, but a good child psychologist might be able to help you and your son. First of all, they might help rule out learning disabilities like dyslexia or auditory processing issues that could be causing your son to feel frustrated. If those are ruled out, they could help look into emotional issues that might be coming up for him and help you develop parenting strategies to encourage and support more adaptive behaviors from him at school. This is just a side note, but even if he complies with requests “eventually,” it sounds like your son may be displaying more than the usual amount of pushback with you as well but that you may have become accustomed to a pattern of initial defiance that has to be worn down.
Hello. I am here to say that you are not alone. My Kinder is a completely different kid at school vs at home. When we first started receiving reports of defiance, disrespect, etc. we were shocked because it is just not who he is at home. I don't have the answer, we are still working on this, but what I was told by our parenting coach was that we cannot correct the behavior at home. Kids this young need their behavior corrected in the moment, not hours after and in a different environment. We have started to work with our sons' teachers on a behavior systems (simple sticker chart) that is the same at school and at home. If he gets enough stickers in the school day he get a small reward (e.g.g 1 starburst) at the end of the day. Our next step is to request that our son be observed so that we get a deeper understanding on when these behavior come up, acknowledging that a teach cannot see everything that is happening when there are 24 other students in the room.
Good luck!
We had a similar situation with our sons in elementary school. We talked with the teachers and we came together to the following solution: I (the mother) would volunteer once a week for one hour to help in any activity the teacher was conducting that day (writing, math, etc.) and when volunteering I would mostly interact with other children but at the same time observe my child's behavior. It was a win-win situation, because the teacher would get help in the classroom and I'd know what was happening with my sons. When at home, during dinner time, we would talk about that day, what happened in the classroom, etc. Both of them wanted to show themselves in their best behavior, so that disruptive practice was quickly discontinued. Logically, it was not easy logistically, I had to drive from work to the school and back, but it was worth it. Hope it helps.
Hi,
This sounds a lot like my son. Had trouble following directions and was rather laying on the floor than doing his academic work. He did not have any issues with playing, having fun with his friends. It was more the academic work. Fast forward, he was just really overwhelmed and transitioning from K to first grade can be a big step. Re the directions; it’s possible your son is just tired and overwhelmed. How big is his class and does he have issues with following multi-step directions or directions that are connected to doing his work? You might want to ask the teacher when he is showing this behavior. Is in the morning or afternoon? He might just need a brain break. And please keep in mind, all kids are different. Some kids can listen to a teacher for hours and others need breaks. For my son it turned out he was just tired of processing all the academics and it didn’t help that he was in a large class. We transferred him to a smaller school and that really made a difference. He is also able to ask for a ‘brain break’ if he needs it. You might also want to Google on Auditory Processing Disorder (ADP) and see if you recognize any of the ‘symptoms’.
Three weeks into school also seems to quick to already think a child might not be a good student. Some children just need more time to adjust to a new routine. Maybe you can ask the teacher if you can visit the classroom and observe or ask really detailed questions about when your son is not following directions/lays on the floor etc.
Each kid wants to do well in school and it’s hard for a 6y old to advocate for themselves, you know your kid the best and he will thrive by your support and advocacy.
Have you gotten him lab tested, and talked to his pediatrician about being tired?
I just found out my son has some low lab levels that may be contributing to him feeling tired, but he's 12 years old and has a disability.
In any case, if you haven't already, start with speaking to his dr about this.
Hello,
You mentioned your shock several times, which may originate from the fact that your child is presenting in a wildly different way at school than he does at home (what is described by the teacher feels very different than the child you know), or it may be more a response to the pressure you feel to act and "fix" his behavior in school. Either way, based on your description, my intuition would be that this is something to investigate but not necessarily to panic over. It might be that your child is simply adjusting to the new demands of first grade (and it IS a big change from Kindergarten). It might also be that he has either an underlying learning difficulty that makes mastering the concepts more challenging, and thus he avoids the learning, or it might be the result of an emotional reaction to the learning process which is similarly causing him to avoid persisting in learning (by lying down). Kids rarely will say something like "I'm dumb" this early in elementary school, but sometimes at this age, children fail to persist as a protective mechanism (i.e., if I don't try, then I won't have failed, OR I can't manage my own frustration enough to keep at this). I'd be curious about what his teacher has been doing to support his attention and participation. It might be that asking for an initial SST (Student Study Team) meeting would be helpful to support the teacher in generating ideas to improve his engagement. It is probably too early at this point, but if there is a question of learning challenges, requesting to have him evaluated would be helpful in understanding what is tripping him up (school districts will provide the evaluation at no cost to the family, but you will have to officially request it). Good luck!
Hi,
I would check his ability to understand the alphabet. Reading issues do show up early on and its a good time to find the right support if needed. Plenty of really bright kids have this challenge. IF this is the case Id find a private speech therapist to work on the alphabet. (They are different than school speech therapists). It could easily be his ability to hear over noise as well. Maybe ask him what is difficult. Kids do well when they can.
Best of luck.
Hello. I'm sorry to hear your son is struggling in the school environment. Have you considered having him assessed at the Regional Center of the East Bay? My 2 grandchildren (3 and 4 years old & on the autism spectrum) are really being helped to overcome some of their disruptive behavior thru their local Regional Center. --- All the best.
I would like you to know your child and student is not alone in his experience. I am also a parent of a first grader and a behavior specialist who works with multiple school districts in the area. Our kids have been through a lot in the past few years and many of them need some extra support as we transition back into school. I would suggest starting by asking additional questions to better understand the situation.
Are they collecting any data about the behaviors of concern? Is there a patterns in his behavior that the school has identified?
Does the classroom have a positive behavior system in place? Does your child have an individual token economy system going? If he is truly bored, do they provide access to alternative work that is of high interest that he can access when he is finished with the expected work?
There are many things that the school can do to support your child - with your support and collaboration. If the teacher does not have any interventions in place and the teacher is expressing concern that the behaviors are outside of what is typical, you may want to consider requesting an SST (student success team) meeting to collaborate on some interventions.