Non-binary 12 year old asking for a binder

Hi there - my then 11-year-old also went through this. I told her at the time that I didn’t want her to do anything that would permanently change her body until her prefrontal cortex was fully developed (this is around 25 for neurotypical brains and closer to 30 for kids like mine, with ADHD). I explained that at 18 she could do whatever she wanted to do, but that while she was still in puberty I didn’t want her to do anything that would damage or change her body permanently. She wasn’t happy with me, but I know my daughter and I knew she was feeling uncomfortable with the changes her body was going through and felt awkward (we talked about it). Cut to a year later - she loves her body now and says she’s thankful I didn’t let her bind. She’s also back to she/her pronouns. I don’t know your kiddo, so I can’t say this is what’s going on for them, but wanted to share my experience. 

Mom of a teen here who has several non-binary and trans friends. Most of these kids felt this way for a long time before they told adults and transitioned. I am absolutely supportive of kids self identifying. However the that fact this change seems sudden would make me wonder if something happened to make them uncomfortable with being female (unwanted attention as they develop, rude comments or inappropriate touching?). Definitely use the pronouns and support them but I would be curious about the sudden change. Were they afraid to speak up earlier? Or are they reacting? Binders are uncomfortable and inhibiting unless the pain of having breasts is greater so I agree explore this more before moving forward and if needed find a therapist who can help figure the best way forward. 

Hi - I'm not transgender or the parent of someone who is, but I will tell you that at 12 I would have loved to have a binder. The attention was just too much (and I'm a B cup). The attention is just uncomfortable and stressful in MS. The girls at my son's HS are either barely dressed or wear the baggiest hoodies on the planet, to minimize the attention. The beauty of a binder is that it's just an article of clothing like a bra and isn't a permanent change. Personally I'd say yes, it's probably a phase, and no, it doesn't seem unhealthy to me. I think some family therapy would be really helpful. I know several kids who went through phases of being queer, lesbian, bi, straight, nonbinary and more until early 20s, and then settled on an identity - often very different from where they were at 15. And I know a few who have been certain and are transitioning or have remained pretty much the same since 12. 

Please read When Kids Say They’re Trans by Ayad, Marchiano, and O’Malley ASAP.  I wish I knew what I knew when my beautiful daughter was 12. This is literally an epidemic amongst girls now. It is such a controversial topic. Just read the book before you do anything else. 

My kid is also almost 12 and nonbinary, although they have identified that way since second grade. I can't give any advice about binders (my kid has not expressed interest), but I would recommend respecting your kid's preferred pronouns and trying to use them even if this does not end up being a permanent change. We also questioned whether my kid was going through a phase, especially since they were pretty young, but it has stuck. I am sure they will be doing further exploration and development as they get older, but I think the most important thing is to honor them where they are. A few years ago, my husband and I participated in a group with parents of other gender non-conforming kids through our child's school district. It was really helpful, even though the other kids were trans, not nonbinary, so not exactly the same issues. I would also recommend genderspectrum.org as a good resource.

Hi - This was my natal daughter as well. First he (we are honoring his still current preferred name and pronouns) came out as pansexual (at 12), then lesbian (13), then asexual or ("ace", 14) and then at 15 in the middle of the pandemic (after a deep dive online and with a host of arguably traumatic experiences and mental health comorbidities) announced that he was trans and wanted a binder, to go on testosterone and as soon as possible to remove his small breasts. Though shocked at this overnight announcement, his dad and I were initially very supportive of the exploration - it is developmentally appropriate to explore identity at this age.  We thought it OK (and even finally bought our kid a binder) until we were awakened to the fast track to medicalization that often accompanies the identity announcement. We enlisted the help of several therapists, including a gender therapist, and all of them immediately unquestioningly affirmed, none bothering to delve into the myriad incidents that our child had been through, including an event of sexual assault right before lockdown. We see immense value in validating our kid's experience - and still do - and continue to note that he and other natal girls who suddenly adopt this identity seem to have eerily similar traits - gifted, neurodivergent, artistic, quirky, often with a history of being bullied and "not fitting in", and often beginning the the bodily changes that accompany puberty in our misogynistic culture. Whatever you want to call it, there is a pattern. 

As for the binding - the sports bra route worked for a while for ours, but then our kid really really wanted the real thing, so we bought one. We went to gc2b ( https://www.gc2b.co/pages/gc2b-binders ) and appreciated that they had care instructions including making sure that the binder was not worn for more than 8 hours, and that you don't wear it very day. There is also trans tape available, which if your daughter is developing quickly might be an option. Here is a Parents site for some info specifically for parents of teens with some safety tips for growing kids: https://www.parents.com/kids/health/what-parents-need-to-know-about-binder-safety/

I am supportive of the sexual and gender exploration, but am terrified of what the political culture has fostered surrounding this ID and medicalization. It is now presumed that parents are the enemy. Here in California a child at 16, without parental knowledge and under the informed consent model, can walk into a clinic and obtain testosterone with no mental assessment, no endocrinology support and no follow up care. Watch out for Kaiser - here in N Cal they are the country's leading purveyors of double mastectomies for the 13 - 17 y/o set. 

These are rough times for parents who both want to support their kids' exploration, who support trans rights (acknowledging the horrors that the all-out bans in red states are creating) AND keep our kids bodies healthy. The farther the extreme right pushes, the more the left pushes, making permanent medicalization frighteningly easy. Our kids are essentially political footballs. My husband and I have several trans friends - all of whom transitioned as adults (with fully developed prefrontal cortexes, transitioning in their 30s and 50s) - who think this era of youth trans ID explosion deserves questioning. I think so, too. 

Sadly, I have to be anonymous or risk being labeled transphobic. I really do wish you and your child all the best. 

 

Hello. Im so sorry you’re going through this. I feel inclined to state that I’m a long time liberal, parent of two daughters, a part of the gay community a mental health professional. My queer college Jamie Reed just blew the whistle on the entire situation you can read more here: 

https://www.thefp.com/p/i-thought-i-was-saving-trans-kids

No to binders and No to non-binary pronouns, you must help get your kid off of this train. First get aligned with her other parent if there is one. 2nd find out where she is learning about this: school counselor, friends, internet, etc. Inform yourself about everything going on and talk with other parents. 

Therapy: https://www.therapyfirst.org

This book is a must read: 

Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shire 

Full Text Here: 

https://archive.org/stream/shirier-2020-irreversible-damage/shirier%202020%20-%20irreversible%20damage_djvu.txt

Parents Peer Based Support here: https://www.pittparents.com/about

https://www.breakpoint.org/rescuing-a-child-from-trans-ideology/

https://www.whosebodyisit.com/offers/FoqZGmTW/checkout

Other sources for information

https://sex-matters.org

https://genspect.org

Last week (March 2024) there were WPATH files leaked and it’s confirmed what we already have been seeing about industry of medical transition for young children you do know there is now no minimum age for voluntary mastectomy!? 

https://nypost.com/2023/06/20/kids-shouldnt-undergo-irreversible-gender-transition-surgeries/amp/

https://amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/mar/09/disturb

https://environmentalprogress.org/big-news/wpath-files
 

PFlag has a Berkeley/Oakland chapter that would have a myriad of resources for you. Easy to find via Google. Send them your post in an email. You are sure to score some important info/resources to help you on this.

I'm the mother of a nonbinary 29-year-old who came out to me at age 23. The most helpful advice I can give you is to join PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). The East Bay group meets on the 4th Tuesday of the month at St John's Church in Berkeley. If you contact PFLAG by email you can arrange a phone call from a board member for support. Most of the parents at our local PFLAG are parenting trans and nonbinary kids. I would be in favor of getting the binder. It's a lot less invasive than hormones or hormone blockers. 

I would be wary of binders-- they may seem relatively benign but in fact have been shown to have a lot of ill effects.

From a 2016 study (https://doi.org/10.1080/13691058.2016.1191675):

"Experiencing any health outcome related to binding was nearly universal, with 97.2% of participants reporting at least one negative outcome they attributed to binding. The most commonly reported outcomes were back pain (53.8%), overheating (53.5%), chest pain (48.8%), shortness of breath (46.6%), itching (44.9%), bad posture (40.3%) and shoulder pain (38.9%) (Table 3). Of the categories examined, skin/soft tissue and pain symptoms were most common, with 76.3% of respondents reporting any skin/tissue concern and 74.0% reporting any pain-related concern."

Sometimes these symptoms of discomfort lead a young person to seek top surgery sooner than they might otherwise. 

I echo the suggestion above to read this book as a first step:
https://www.amazon.com/When-Kids-Say-Theyre-Trans/dp/1634312481

I deeply wish this book had been available when my child was entering puberty, as this inner gender confusion, compounded by external (nonparental) cheerleaders, derailed much of their normal adolescent development and put them on a path of irreversible (and quite harmful) body modification. And please don't believe anyone who tells you that young people who are not allowed to transition are more likely to kill themselves-- this has been thoroughly debunked (https://segm.org/Suicide-Gender-Dysphoric-Adolescent-Young-Adult-Finlan…). 

I see a few people recommended Gender Spectrum as a resource-- this organization shut down suddenly last fall and now consists only of a website. 

I wish you and your child the best. 

I was in your shoes, though my kid was older, around sixteen, when he came out as non-binary. He began binding and did it for three years before getting top surgery at 19. I understand the fear and hesitation expressed by the other parents on this topic. I felt the same way. However, in my kid's case transitioning has been the right move. He is 21 now and feels comfortable being himself and has no regrets. Binding does have side effects. He had back pain, found it hard to exercise, and it makes one's breasts change shape if you do it consistently for years. 

I will also say, that as a teacher I have seen some students try out being non-binary for a while and then go back to their natal gender, others have stuck with it, others have transitioned. I can't say what causes which path. It does not seem to be based on what the parents do or don't support. One of my students has parents who have not been supportive has stuck with his new gender identity. Another, whose parents changed pronouns right away, has gone back to the old pronouns. Your child is on their own path and as hard as it may be to see them exploring in ways that make you worry, your consistent love and acceptance are the biggest gifts you can give them and a strong relationship is the foundation for their future development, wherever it takes them. 

Get support for yourself too. It is tough navigating this, especially in the current polarized landscape. 

For some kids it is a phase...and no one knows how to determine when it isn't.  The "phase" can be a long time, one study followed up kids who were so certain that they were put on lifetime hormones...and after only 4 years almost 30% had stopped (Roberts et al., 2022, here in the US).

There are also some resources at Genspect (I think under "resources").  And therapy first may have some pointers, they help counsel people who are exploring these issues.

Parent of a non-binary person in their mid-20s here. I really feel for you, dealing with these issues when your child is so young. Our child came out as lesbian senior year of high school and as trans in their early 20s. I think they came out to other people before me, because of some intemperate things I said in what I thought was a theoretical discussion. The main thing I would say is that being supportive is central. There are a lot of trans/non-binary young people who are estranged from their parents and suffer from depression because of not being connected to their families. I've learned a lot the last few years about being supportive of my child, whatever their gender. The upside is my child is the same sweet, kind, smart person they have always been. Their partner is also a very good in-law (the kids aren't married but have been together for a number of years.) In terms of a binder, for the moment maybe a camisole with mild compression would be enough, and if their breasts grow large they can try out a binder then. I think your idea of a sports bra is also good, but one that looks more like an "undershirt" than one that looks like a bra. I second the idea of joining PFLAG, and meeting other parents who are dealing with these issues. Avoid random articles on the internet, they are just going to be stressful.

Also, talking with my kid, I have begun to see it more like the androgony that was a possibility in the 70s -- these young people don't want to take on the highly bifurcated gender roles of our era, so they are seeing themselves as trans or nonbinary.

That is so great that you are supportive and are the kind of parent that your child can come to you with this. The recommendations for binders are pretty simple: don't wear them too tight or too often (for example don't sleep in them). I think the negative health consequences are more likely when the person is wearing it surreptitiously and without any guidance. If you purchase one from a reputable source it will come with instructions and cautions. Definitely discourage the use of Ace bandages or similar. I think you have already received a couple responses with specific venders. I don't think, as some of the respondents here have said, that binders "damage" the body and that the effects are permanent. This is not the case if they are worn correctly. They are not any more dangerous than a super supportive sports bra. 

I know you only asked about binders, but I will share my child's experience which includes other things because some of the other respondents here have made arguments about transitioning in general and specific procedures that are not true for us and seem unnecessarily alarmist. I was also surprised when my AFAB child told us at age 15 that they were transgender/nonbinary and preferred a different name and they/them pronouns. By age 15 they had developed very large breasts, which caused them much physical and emotional discomfort, and unbeknownst to me they had gotten a binder from a friend. Because their breasts were uncomfortably large, we explored breast reduction surgery, a procedure that I had had about 10 years prior and have been very happy with. My Kaiser surgeon was awesome and we had a consultation with her. She said she could only reduce to a C cup (what she had done for me) and that if my child wanted to be smaller to consult the gender clinic and consider the mastectomy procedure. Unlike the other responses that implied Kaiser just rushes to perform surgery and other medical procedures on minors, I found the Kaiser care to be very thoughtful and supportive. As we considered the breast reduction, my child became more certain that they wanted their breasts completely removed. At age 16 they had that procedure, and now 4 years later they are still very happy that they did. A few months ago (at age 20) they began T. As a legal adult they are in charge of their own health care so I have had very little involvement in that process, but they are managing it well as far as I can tell and I trust them to continue to manage that process for themselves. So that is our experience as a neurotypical (although otherwise extraordinary :-) child who transitioned as a teen. I share that with you because other responses here might alarm you that this whole process is dangerous and that has not been our experience. I don't think there is any movement or agenda to get kids to be trans. It just turns out that when it is completely available and not stigmatized more people choose it than many of us expected. I wish you and your child the best as you go through this process. 

Continue to educate yourself and let your kid lead. Support them with your love and acceptance and it'll be a much less bumpy road than you might think.

Modern binders are safe, comfortable, and highly gender-affirming. I recommend this company highly: gc2b https://www.gc2b.co/  . This is what my kid wears (he's 15 and has identified as trans/nonbinary since he was in second grade). I think the biggest tip is not to size too small or try to DIY it with ace bandages and things. A good binder will leave plenty of room to breathe, won't cause tingles in arms or fingers, or leave deep marks on the skin. 

Sports bras are OK in a pinch but they're designed for a slightly different purpose, i.e. lack of movement rather than compression and (for lack of a better word) disguise. 

This link has a nice discussion from an affirming POV: https://point5cc.com/tips-to-bind-your-chest-safely/

 

Hi, I wanted to share my experience. My child is different from yours in that, from a young age, they expressed a strong interest in being masculine. But I relate because I was still overwhelmed and caught off-guard when at 12 they told me they wanted to use they/them pronouns (and also asked for a binder). I did not initially support my child's desire for a change in pronouns. I just didn't understand why it was important to them, I have to admit I was embarrassed in front of family, and wanted my child to stay with their birth gender. When we as a family made the shift, my child was visibly relieved, happier, close to us again. They moved on from gender being at the forefront of every conversation to being a backdrop, as it is for the rest of us. Most of their interests (maybe all?) have nothing to do with their gender identity. They're a happy sixteen-year-old, busy with school and friends and future dreams. I did allow them to get a binder, which I'm hesitant to say on this website for fear of attack. (I don't think I'm alone, as a parent of a nonbinary kid, in being afraid to post here in the current climate of the commentary on BPN.). My child wears a sports bra for athletic activities, doesn't wear a binder at home, or sleep in their binder ever. It was a complicated decision (and you will find articles that speak to this complexity, like this one.) Do I love it? No. But I do feel it allows them to be free to not think about their body every second at high school. As with the pronouns, it's allowed them to just feel like themselves. I see that sense of physical freedom and also a general freedom about who they are in the world, and it's a relief to me as their mom. My child has no interest in surgery, and for them, I think the binder has helped that. As I said, I don't know your child, and you know your child best. I am glad people are sharing their stories with you but I would be wary of any post from a stranger that tells you absolutely what you should do. You and your child, and all of us, deserve a more nuanced conversation.

An anonymous commenter wrote above:

"I did allow them to get a binder, which I'm hesitant to say on this website for fear of attack. (I don't think I'm alone, as a parent of a nonbinary kid, in being afraid to post here in the current climate of the commentary on BPN.)."

Please don't hesitate to state your opinion here, and please don't mistake strong disagreement for an "attack". It's important for all of us to encounter a range of opinions, even when they're forcefully expressed.

My kid went through the same thing at about the same age, but he's now 16. Please take their request as a great way to open communication, not so much as a request for what's essentially a funky sports bra. I wish, when my kid started talking binders and pronouns at 12, that I'd asked more about why, and about what my kid was going through. I didn't really see it as a listening opportunity, and it would have been better for my kid, my family and for me if I had. 

I want to echo the anonymous parent who said "I just didn't understand why it was important to them, I have to admit I was embarrassed in front of family, and wanted my child to stay with their birth gender." It's really hard to give up seeing your child as one kind of person with one kind of path. I went through mourning for the daughter I'd lost. But for my family, using my kid's preferred pronouns allowed us to focus on other things. It felt like sacrificing my comfort for the kid's mental health was a good trade off. 

As for binders, there's great information on the good binder websites linked above. From what I've read the risk is from wearing homemade or ill fitting binders. Also I made sure the kid had a binder and a fairly minimizing sports bra for dance. And I'd never considered wearing either for sleep. 

Thank you very much for sharing your stories and advice. 

I did provide different kinds of bras and compression tops as a start. Child has decided that it was hard to breathe in high impact bras and compression tops and has chosen a couple of styles of bra they find more comfortable for now. Child continues to state that they are non-binary. Using they/them pronoun takes a lot of practice but we are trying.

I do have a sneaking suspicion that this may be a social thing and potentially a phase. There are several kids in their class who have recently come out as LGBTQ and are now using they/them pronouns and some have crushes on each other or are beginning to “date” within the same birth gender. 

I feel the child has gone from a little kid to teenager overnight. Whoa!

Thank you, BPN community.