Child whose love language is gifts
I’ve noticed that my younger child seems to feel and express love most strongly through gifts, and I’m wondering if anyone can help me figure out how to communicate in this “love language.” I was moved to think about this recently when she gathered her first big crop of Halloween candy and then spent the following weeks continually giving pieces away (even though she adores sweets). It really brought home to me that she sees giving as a way of expressing love; when she craves presents, it isn’t just because she wants to accumulate as much as she can.
I naturally express love through words and cuddles (which she is ambivalent about), and my default sense is that presents should be occasional things, that I shouldn’t say yes every time she wants something, etc. But obviously I also don’t want her to feel like I only really say “I love you” on her birthday and Christmas. I’m guessing the solution is to find little things that don’t seem excessive to give often—like notes, pictures, stickers. Has anyone else come up with good ideas?
Parent Replies
Not sure how old your child is and if that will appeal, but throwing out an idea: what if you bring them small things you encounter during your day while you're away from them? E.g., a flower form a park, a pine cone, a pretty pen, a picture torn out of a magazine? Something that is physical to be seen as gift, but can also communicate "this made me think of you/ I was thinking of you during the day and thought you'd like it" and show it's not just the gifts that are bought.
I admire your attentiveness to pick up on her love language.
Taking a step back, people tend to speak in different languages to receive and give. In other words, she may give love in the love language of gift giving but not necessarily prefer to receive it that way. For example, I am most comfortable giving love through acts of service and least comfortable giving love with words of affirmation but like to receive love through words of affirmation and quality time.
That said, if your daughter likes to give and also receive love through gifts, I think small things also go a long way. I used to hide small love notes or a piece of favorite chocolate in my dad’s lunch box when I was a child. I think your daughter would be thrilled to find those at school. I also might make a list of things she likes (her favorite color, animal, etc.) and I might make it a habit to buy something small once a week - like a keychain of her favorite animal. Nothing flamboyant! Or I might make it routine - for example, everytime my husband goes on a work trip, he buys a small gift for me. Theyre usually stupid random stuff but everytime he flies for work, I look forward to a mini gift and wonder what it might be. You can do something similar and make it a routine based on certain circumstances.
Some ideas: notes or little drawings in her lunch box, post-it notes on her door. Thoughtfully plating her dinner, wrapping up her sandwich with a ribbon (turn everyday things into gift like moment). I also tried to celebrate my kids interests and desires by taking pictures of them with the toys or things they wanted, we would agree to put them on wish lists, sometimes they made it on to lists and sometimes they didn't. There often was a lot of joy in just getting a picture with the thing and imagining that it might be theirs some day. I think they liked that I was interested in it enough too to take the picture.
What about the gift of time or activity? (going somewhere to do something together) or is that some other kind of love language?
I definitely make cards for my kiddos (and they make them for me), but I enjoy that kind of thing. I have also made stuffies for my younger kiddo who loves stuffies. (They are ugly -- he told me once that, "it's ok, you are learning from your mistakes!" -- but he gives them lots of love anyway.) Also sometimes a random treat like boba or cake pop might be ok?
To me the problematic part would be giving her what she wants every time she asks for something, but that can be solved by giving her a (little) present when she's not expecting it?