Teen Not Getting Enough Sleep
Parent Q&A
Archived Q&A and Reviews
Questions
- Teen stays up half the night, falls asleep in class
- 14-year-old averages 5-6 hrs of sleep per night
- 16-year-old daughter has never been a good sleeper
- Teens & sleep deprivation
Teen stays up half the night, falls asleep in class
Nov 2010
When a child is a night owl, stays up half the night to read, can't wake up in time to go to school on time, is very smart but getting bad grades because she falls asleep in class, what do you do? B.
Sounds like a great time to set some boundaries and ''house'' rules. That means lights out by a certain time; 10 pm 11 pm whatever fits your family. You might also try no phone calls after a certain time at night especially on school nights. If they have a cell phone they can put it in the community drawer along with yours after a certain time at night. Your teen won't like these rules, but if you are confident, firm, kind and most of all, consistent, you have a much greater chance of being successful. School is a teen's job just like getting up and going to work is a parent's responsibillity. There is simply no negotiating. If you waiver and behave inconsistently they will too. A parent's job is to set boundaries in their household for an acceptable standard of behavior. Do it now before it gets out of hand. Attach a consequence, bad grades means no going out on weekends or whatever you decide. Find other parents you can talk with about raising teens. Start a parenting group. Perhaps the school can help you. Most of all and I urge all parents ''DON'T WORRY ABOUT MAKING YOUR TEEN MAD/ANGRY''. They get mad and angry especially when you enforce rules but that's your job. jan
Make her a big cup of coffee in the morning. ;} Pam
What about something like Berkeley High Independent Study - other districts might have something similar. The schedule is a lot more flexible -- the student checks in with each teacher once a week to get work checked and get new assignments but otherwise studies on his/her own. This worked well (for a while) for my night owl; he would schedule his appointments with teachers for the afternoons and then he could sleep in and study at night on his own time. But this only works if you have a kid who will get the work done on their own. Otherwise I think it would be in your kid's best interest to work on re-calibrating his schedule so he can be awake during the day. anon I am surprised that no-one gave what to me is the obvious reply - have the child take an afternoon nap!
All my kids were night owls in their teen years, some still are as adults. I don't think that forcing them to go to bed works. Even without a cell-phone or a computer they stay up. One likes to read before falling asleep. One writes poetry in her journal. One loves to paint and draw till 1 am! and one composes music till all hours. I think it has to do with the way the teenage brain develops, that their creativity bursts in the wee hours.
In addition to healthy food (no sweets), I had them take vitamins and minerals, plus fish-oil, to make sure their health is supported. I explained about the importance of 8 hours of sleep (out of 24)for their brain and body. The afternoon nap did wonders for them.
If your rules accommodate their quirks, there's a better chance that they will listen to you. accommodating mom
This is an interesting podcast on parenting teens. One of the speakers said that lights affect melatonin production, and even bedtime texting can disrupt their sleep. http://www.marinjcc.org/cjlpodcast/ mom of a tired teen
14-year-old averages 5-6 hrs of sleep per night
Feb 2008
We have a 14 yr old who can not self regulate to get 9+ hours of sleep each night. When younger bed time no problem. Now, doesn't get to bed before 1:00AM. Averages between 5-6 hours per night. Teen feels it is the only free time they have. Stays up reading or sneaking the computer. Have locked up computer but wonder if that really helps teen to self regulate. Have any suggestions?
concerned parent
My advice is not to worry. Most teens only get 5 to 6 hours a night of sleep anyway and then catch up on the weekends. It's the same with many adults. When I was a teen I remember staying up until 1 am listening to the radio (long before there was an Internet) while doing homework, etc. Locking the computer is probably a good idea. Anon
16-year-old daughter has never been a good sleeper
August 2005
My 16-year-old daughter has had sleeping issues all of her life. She has never been a good sleeper (and when I was pregnant with her I also had trouble sleeping--the only time that has ever happened in my life). It's gotten to the point that there are nights when she reports not sleeping at all, just tossing and turning in bed endlessly. She seems exhausted in the mornings, but rallies during the day, and by evening is once again wide awake. She goes to school, does her homework, is involved in activities, and otherwise leads a normal life, but I know she is tired much of the time, and both she and we, her parents, are concerned. Her pediatrician has heard our worries for many years, and has given advice which has never helped much. At her last visit he gave her a prescription for sleeping medication (can't remember the name offhand, and I just took it in to the pharmacy to be filled). She's hesitant, as are we, to go down this path, but feel powerless to do much of anything else. She's tried all the usual remedies--keeping to a routine, drinking warm milk, sleepytime tea, yoga, etc. She says she just can't turn off her brain at night, and she is a very cerebral kid! Any advice? I've thought of biofeedback, therapy, meditation, but have no leads to pursue. Would welcome ideas from anyone who has been there and found something that helps. anonymous
I have no personal experience with sleep disorders, but reputedly the best place in the country is in Stanford: http://www.med.stanford.edu/school/psychiatry/coe/
''Stanford University Center of Excellence for the Diagnosis and Treatment of Sleep Disorders''. Your pediatrician can be expected not to know much about a special area of medicine like that. Good luck!
I had insomnia when I was a teen too. I didn't have any good methods then, but now when I can't sleep, I meditate and it helps alot. I would have her practice every day just breathing, eyes closed in a quiet room, and focusing on the way the breath feels coming out of and going into her body. It does take some practice to keep your mind quiet but you get better at it with practice. Then when she wants to go to sleep, she can meditate herself to sleep - works for me right away every time. anon
My daughter is 14 and was also having trouble falling asleep. I think it's a sign of anxiety. I know that she also has many things on her mind. I have been thinking about us learning meditation together, and want to encourage her to write out her thoughts earlier, before bedtime. I have given her herbal remedies before with on and off success. Some of those that might work for your daughter are: a homoepathic remedy called ''calms forte''; valerian; a combo of tinctures of passionflower, skullcap, & camomille. But I have to say the best thing that has worked is when she has been VERY active during the day. She just started long- distance running and has been falling alseep the minute her head hits the pillow! It's wonderful! I hope it lasts!! fingers-crossed mom
Just like your teenager I had problems turning of my brain. I think it started during my teens and endend somewhere in my twenties. What helped me was putting a pen and noteblock next to my bed. Every time a though enterend my mind I would write it down. Either to remember, I would toss and turn just because I was afraid to forget something, or to get rid of things that kept bothering me. Putting it on paper got it out of my system. It is a simple solution and definetly worked for me. I wish I had known it earlier. Hope it will help your daughter. Good luck anon
I too have struggled with insomnia off and on my whole life. I was very reluctant to try sleeping pills and waited until I was in my late 40s to have a go. Boy, do I wish I'd used them earlier! They're certainly not perfect, and have to be used judiciously. I try to never use them more than three nights in a row. However, when it's a choice between lying awake in bed for hours and sleeping, sleeping is much, much better, no question.
Also, has your daughter tried Melatonin? This also has to be used with some care, but the timed-release seems to work pretty well, though not on the worst nights. For that I use the sleeping pills.
So, my advice is to go slowly and carefully, but use the pills when they are needed and don't worry about it. Good luck. Dianna
Try acupuncture! I had insomnia for MANY years and acupuncture has cured me! Several other family members have also been helped. We see Carla Cassler in Berkeley. She's great--both of my kids have gone to her for years, and she's terrific with teenagers. No more sleepless nights
hi. I have struggled with insomnia for most of my life, beginning in my early teens. I don't have much in the way of advice only to add that I have come to the realization now at the age of 29 that I just don't need as much sleep as everyone else. I tried lots of things and I would stay away from drugs as they do not give the same quality of sleep, they are addictive, and when weaning yourself off of them the side effect is insomnia, so in my case for one night of drug induced 4 hours sleep I was sleepless for the next 3 nights getting the stuff out of my system. What works for me now is exercise early in the morning, and using ear-plugs and an eye-pillow to settle myself into sleep at night, and not watching any tv in the evening to start my mind going. But I still don't sleep much. If your daughter is have trouble with school or living her life I would recommend seeing an accupuncturist, Pat Lollis is the one I went to she's in Albany, at my worst accupuncture was what worked for me. If she seems to do just fine on no sleep, get her a hobby like knitting and let her know that in college the ability to function with less sleep will come in very handy during finals and even handier if she one day decides to have children of her own... sleepless but ok with it
When I read your e-mail it stuck a chord. As a child- and sometimes still- I had trouble turning my brain off at night. My mom tried this meditation type of exercise with me that worked very well- none of the other stuff you mentioned worked for me either. Basically I just have to close my eyes and imagine everything from that day that is going on in my head, and then push it out slowly while taking deep breaths (like elevator doors opening onto nothingness). I've always imagined a blank white screen. Whenever something tries to creep in, I just push it back out- I can't let the thought get in to far or I have to start over. My mom used to talk me through it in a very soothing voice when I was young and it would sometimes take awhile, but over time, I got much better at clearing my mind and making my thoughts stop. I empathize and wish you luck.- oh one other mediatation trick that I picked up is to ask yourself ''why can't I sleep?'' and then follow the chain of questions and answers until you feel you have come to a concrete answer that can hopefully be acted upon- for ex. can't sleep b/c I didn't apologize for ...- I'll get out of bed and write a letter. It just feels good to take control and sometimes that one action will make me feel that I did something and the rest can wait till tomorrow. Sorry this was longwinded- good luck. anon
I would suggest you look into Calms Forte. You can buy it over the counter at Whole Foods and similar places. This is what I have recently found to be extraordinarily effective for my own insomnia. I have exactly the same problem as your daughter - I can't turn my brain off at night! Calms Forte has, surprisingly to me actually, worked wonders for me. Your daughter's mileage may vary. Might be worth a try. Good luck! sleeping MUCH better now :-)
Teens & sleep deprivation
November 2001
I would like to get some feedback and perspective from parents. I have an ongoing concern about sleep deprivation among our teens and how it is impacting their health as well as their performance in school, and would like to get some feedback and perspective from other parents.
Part of the problem is the starting time of many Bay Area high schools, and the scheduling of difficult classes first thing in the morning. Albany High starts at 7:40 am, and many of the more advanced classes which have only one section, such as math, are offered at that hour. These classes require a lot of concentration, at an hour when most teens are still waking up.
Studies have shown that teen's biological clocks shift during puberty, and not only do they need more sleep, but they naturally stay up longer and need to sleep longer. Their brains don't start functioning at peak until later in the morning, around 8:30 or 9:00 am. Sleep deprivation amongst our teens is brought on by the multitude of responsibilities they have and by their own natural sleep cycle, which may be impairing their ability of learn and retain information.
Our high school students are trying to balance their school work in multiple subjects, along with part-time jobs, practice in sports or an arts activity that often goes late into the evening. Our daughter, who is in 11th grade at Albany High, cannot get to her homework until 7 or 8 pm, and works until midnight or 1 am, because the homework load is so heavy. She is seriously tired when she gets up at 6:40 am to get to a 7:40 am class. And this tiredness is cumulative, as sleep deprivation builds up and eventually makes her sick and have to miss school.
I find this kind of scheduling and pressure unhealthy for our kids, and would welcome your comments.
Eileen
Hi Eileen! I must agree with your assessment that school starting times, scheduling of difficult classes, and teen biological clocks are all in opposition to one another. My teen (age 17, would be a senior this year) suffered from it exactly as you describe. The early start hour is silly, given that time is available after school, when many teens are just hanging out and getting into trouble (I know she was!). For those who complain that extracurricular activities must happen then, my question is why? What reason can be given not to put at least some of the extracurricular activities into the morning slot instead? I clearly remember school starting at 9am at my HS in San Jose in the late 70's--and just as clearly remember playing in the orchestra at 8am. It was tough, and I didn't choose to do it every year. At least that way, the *academic* subjects would be taught during the time of the students' peak performance. Presumably, that's what school is about anyway, right? We seemed to do just fine starting our extracurricular activites at 3:30 or 4pm each day--why can't they do that now?
Regarding scheduling of hard classes into the morning--I have NO idea why this is done, but it's a bad idea. This happened to my daughter. Her required, difficult, math class was scheduled ONLY at 8am. She is NOT a morning person. Neither are we. The class was a disaster from the start. Despite my pleadings with both her and her counselor that she delay the class to another semester and time, she went ahead and took it. She failed, and the failure in that class caused her to lose confidence, give up, and subsequently fail in every other class, and eventually she attempted suicide over being such a failure. Rather than have this happen again, we chose to remove her from the school system altogether, and un-school her (like homeschooling, but more directed by the student). This is a radical solution, but appears to be one of the few solutions available when no one is listening to the fact that these early hours DO NOT WORK for teens.
BTW: Since she has been unschooling, she's done just fine on a schedule that has her going to sleep at midnight, and leaving for work/classes around 11 am. She's happy, productive, learning lots, and wonderful to be around. An utter contrast from her former tired, cranky, unmotivated self. Good luck convincing the powers that be to change things! Sincerely, Dawn
I agree with you that sleep deprivation in teens is a big problem that receives little acknowledgement. From a WebMD summary of the problem at http://my.webmd.com/content/article/1728.60579
Studies show that while fifth and sixth graders can be wide awake all day after about nine hours' sleep, teenagers need 10 hours to be alert all day long, says Richard D. Simon, Jr., MD, medical director of the Kathryn Severyns Dement Sleep Disorder Center in Walla Walla, WashSimon. The average teenager gets about six hours' sleep, so he's sleep-depriving himself completely, he says. Other researchers put the necessary amount of sleep for teens at about 9 hours and 15 minutes a night. ... In addition, high-school-age children appear to undergo a shift in their biological 'body clock,' which tells them when to rise and go to bed, he says: There's some evidence that teenagers' biological clock may be programmed to start turning off later at night and turn on later in morning. According to the National Sleep Foundation report, studies have shown that the typical high school student's natural bedtime is 11 p.m. or later.
So an 11pm bedtime, pretty reasonable for teens with homework and after school activities, means that your teen should be sleeping till 8:30 or 9 in the morning, which is impossible for most high schools. Allowing an hour for the teen to have a shower and eat breakfast and wait for the bus, we're looking at an arrival time 10am or so. I think what happens instead is they are forced to get up too early, fall asleep during class, walk through the day like a zombie, and try to catch up on the weekends.
I'm not too optimistic about the schools figuring this problem out in the next 20 years. After all they still think all families have a mommy at home to greet kids at 3pm every day. There are alternatives though. My son just started this year at Berkeley High Independent Study. The jury is still out on whether this change will address his academic issues. But one huge benefit of BIS is that my night owl son has been able to arrange his schedule so that he can sleep in most mornings. The combination of more sleep and more control over his schedule has really made a big difference in his day-to-day demeanor and in our relationship too. Ginger
My feeling is that we have schools organized backwards. The academics should start at 10:30 or 11:00 am and run through until 5:00pm, and all the extracurricular activities and sports should start early in the morning. That way, the kids who are not interested in those things don't have to be to school until later, when their minds and bodies are awake. In addition, for those kids who are interested in the extracurricular activities, I'm sure it's easier to do those activities rather than academics early in the morning. Martina
I have no doubt that a regular lack of sleep contributes to a myriad of vulnerabilities in young people which can cause emotional strain leading to physical illness or mental deterioration. I know for myself (a middle-aged single Mom) that sleep deprivation on an ongoing basis contributes to the aging process and certainly influences how present I can be in interpersonal communication or in basic functions such as driving and cooking. Children and adolescents (ages 10-18) are resilient, but over time a lack of sleep robs them of being present in their lives and handicaps their ability to receive and process the world around them. I would imagine continued lack of rest can impair decision-making ability and the receptivity of brain cells for learning. I have a seventh grader who is a conscientious student and has been educated through sixth grade in a Montessori environment. He is self-motivated, interested in learning, quite expressive when engaged in a conversation geared to his level, and active in sports and music. This year the time dedicated to homework (in a more conventional school setting) has probably quadrupled. My biggest questions are Does this amount of homework contribute to the education of my son? and Is the loss of sleep resulting from staying up late to finish homework detrimental to his health and upsetting a balance in life that makes for a vibrant, caring, creative, and self-reflective human being?
The patterns of discipline and study that are set in middle school are in most cases the ones that will carry students through high school and college. So teaching good study habits and time management are important skills for later in life. I also think that broadening the base of knowledge in specific subjects is also a postive achievement in middle school. HOWEVER, is there a danger that we are also teaching our children to become workaholics or something less negative do-aholics by virtue of the fact that we keep them so busy with exercises for the mind?
I question just how wise our culture is in stressing the acquisition of knowledge as a vehicle for self-fulfillment and social success without a complementary emphasis on the cultivation of wisdom. Have we not forgotten to tend to the spirit and introduce qualities and practices that are meant to open our young people to the possibility of wisdom arising from silence and quiet reflection?
I have many more questions than answers; however, this culture seems to have many more answers than questions. The problem arises when questions are no longer encouraged, discussion is had for the sake of hearing oneself and others talk, and political discourse is used to condone the righteousness of one group's values. Wisdom is concealed by efforts at pleasant social intercourse, or worse yet by efforts to establish one point of view as superior to another. I do question the wisdom of excessive homework (busywork) at a time in the world's evolution that calls for a grand leap of understanding of what it is to be an evolving human being?
I hope I stayed close enought to the topic, Eileen. I am wrestling with questions that arise from living with an emerging adolescent and the changes that come with all that, including homework and scheduling.
Suzanne
I would like to chime in regarding sleep deprivation among children and teens. I notice a dramatic difference in my 15 yr old son's ability to cope with school, peers, family, the world when he gets enough sleep -- which for him is 9 to 9 1/2 hours every night. So until school starts later, he is in bed no later than 10 pm, and usually by 9:30. (and if homework isn't done he has to do lots of catchup on the weekend)
I think it would be useful if there were a variety of schedules to accommodate the various internal clocks the kids (hey and teachers too) have. But don't forget -- if your kid stays up to 11 pm to do homework now when he or she is getting out of school at 2:45-- would you really be happy with him or her staying up till 1 am or later to get the same amount of work done because school didn't end until 5 pm? Maybe we are just allowing our kids to do too much (school plus sports plus jobs...)
I'm not a doctor but to me this sounds like depression or another medical condition. It does not sound usual to nap multiple times during the day at age 14. I would start with both a physical and then removing privileges like sports until she fulfills her household responsibilities.
I agree with the poster who said this sounds very unusual and like depression or a medical condition. I’d solve that first. Then, to keep your own sanity, write down the things your daughter is doing right and feel gratitude every day. You’re lucky!! Then, I think the messy room is normal at 14 but if there’s a family dysfunction you and your husband should tackle this together vis a therapist or counselor. When you’re modeling an organized home, she’ll gradually get on board. And finally - I am very neat and clean. I run a tight ship. All rooms are 90% organized and I hate clutter. But ... all of my teen years my room was HORRIBLE. I literally carved a path from bed to door. My mom didn’t care much. There was moldy food on the floor! I had a (wild) mouse for a year! I often lost things for weeks. She did put me in full charge of my own laundry tho ... but the net is, the instant I moved out, I became neat. Cheers
As a parent that missed all the signs of my adolescent son’s 3 sleep disorders (Delayed Sleep Onset, Obstructive Sleep Apnea, and Central Sleep Apnea), I highly recommend ruling out these diagnoses. Adolescent sleep requirements are uniquely demanding, as are a teen’s school and extracurricular activities. Which makes it all the harder to distinguish between routine fatigue and other more complex issues with sleep and rest. My son’s teen-like behaviors masked his sleep disorders. It took a home sleep test followed by numerous sleep lab studies to pinpoint the reasons for his energy swings, behaviors and sleep patterns. (And he lost his first year of college getting all that sorted out.) That’s my experience and recommendation: just be sure of what you are working with.
I too had a kid who could not/would not wake up on his own. I tried every kind of reward and consequence and nothing worked. I also tried multiple types of wake-up alarms (phone, music, alarm clocks)—none of which worked until I found a clock so loud even my son could not sleep through it. It's called the Sonic Bomb Extra Loud Alarm Clock (can found on Amazon). I put it on the other side of his bedroom so he has no choice but to get up to turn it off. My son HATED the sound of it but even he had to admit it worked.
Since your daughter is getting off a drug with a sedative effect, maybe wait until she's all the way off and then start not allowing naps during the day so her body can readjust to sleeping at night. If she has a phone, pad, computer, or anything else she uses in her room I would suggest removing them all at bedtime. Otherwise she is likely to stay up with them and it will be much harder for her to avoid daytime naps.
The good news in your post is that she's a star student and very into athletics. That's amazing and you have every reason to be hopeful for her future based on that alone! If that were my kid I think I would be so happy that he was applying a work-ethic somewhere that I wouldn't care at all about a very dirty room.
My daughter is 16 and is also an excellent student as well as an athlete, with both morning and evening practices. We were in a similar situation as you that we didn't establish a regular chore routine when she was younger, since between school and athletics, she has always been incredibly busy. However, a couple of years ago, we started asking her contribute to the household tasks in small ways - clearing the table and emptying the dishwasher as well as vacuuming and light dusting on weekends, for example. I purposely picked tasks that could fit around her class and practice schedule but also emphasized that her father and I both worked full time AND drove her to/from practices, so she was old enough to also start contributing to the family. While there was some grumbling (which I totally ignore), she did start helping out. Now that she's 16, she's matured a little bit and helps more around the house without too much prompting from us, including starting to do the laundry on her own. Her room is generally a total disaster, but as long as she is helping to keep the household functioning and reasonably clean, my attitude has been that her room is her domain, and if she wants to live in filth, so be it. In terms of sleep, I can't speak to what may be causing the need to nap during the day, but while I've been lax about the household chores, bedtime has always been a non-negotiable. This is the only time I have threatened to restrict attendance to practice - she needs proper rest to perform her best in both school and athletics and if she refuses to go to bed at a reasonable time then I refuse to get up early to take her to practice. Now that she's 16, we don't have a strict bedtime, but I still make her start shutting everything down for the night at a certain time, to ensure she gets a reasonable amount of sleep.
Good luck! it sounds like you have a great daughter, so don't judge yourself too harshly!!
I was that kid decades ago, except I was in school in-person, so I was falling asleep during my classes. Is she a perfectionist? Does she spend too long (and stay up too late) getting all of her work done because of her standards? Does she take on too much? It sounds like she may be trying to do more than she can manage (between excelling in school and athletics), without a realistic sense of her sleep needs. And/or do you suspect time management/executive functioning difficulties?
Whether this sounds on mark or off for your daughter, it seems she may have some needs that require support. Has she done a neuro-psych eval? Perhaps she has some particular needs that can be identified and supported. I'm going through that process now, after having struggled through adulthood as someone who performs very well in different performance-based arenas but has difficulty with other key skills. I'm learning a lot about myself! I wish I had gotten this support much earlier in life.
As far as the housekeeping goes, I think a lot of people are experiencing their spaces devolving to whole new levels, since we're living in them so much more. In our house, we've started doing 5-minute bursts of "tidying." We try to do at least one a day; we play fun music to boost morale. Cleaning up a whole space can feel overwhelming, but 5 minutes we can all handle. We don't set goals for the 5 minutes, we just tidy whatever we feel compelled to, or whatever's in front of us. It adds up! We've started sharing all the house tasks more equally (for example, we all load our own dishes in the dishwasher)--all little things but that have helped a lot.
I hope you're able to find some solutions and support that work for your family! I appreciate and feel for you!
My 22 year has this same issue and uses several alarm clocks to wake up. Sometime we need to nudge her,. but it is working. As for the cleaning of the room, well its a bit hard to do this if the rest of the house is a mess. You need to establish more of a group effort on tasks to clean the entire house along with her room. Also, let her know that no dishes/glasses are allowed in her room unless she brings them down and put in dishwasher. Give her good examples and set a good standard, otherwise you are the pot call the kettle black as the saying goes. Have one day a week that is dedicated to her making sure the room is neat.
Hi! I can completely relate. My 16 year old son can't wake up without me either, and stays up WAY too late too.
His room is a mess. He is incredibly disciplined with his athletics(Jujitsu and Mixed Martial Arts) but is not a star student so I would say that is amazing that your daughter does her school work!! Our house is crazy and disorganized too sometimes- I feel that because I did not make this a priority sooner- constant upkeep of cleaning rooms-that I have to take a lot of this blame. The fact that your daughter does her school work and is driven to do athletics is really a great accomplishment. I do not agree with the poster who says it could be depression. As a teen I was very messy with my room too, but a good student and dedicated athlete as well. In time I became interested in cleaning and tidying. It is hard but for now I know that my job is to be the annoying parent and wake him up, bug him to clean his room, or even more annoying to him(and his 14 yr old brother) just come in and start cleaning myself! Many people might disagree that I should clean their room myself, but actually, when I have cleaned their room while they were out, they thanked me and obviously prefer it clean, so I feel that this sets a precedent that one day they will follow, and also it actually keeps me in a position of control- that I come in their room when I need to, to wake them up or clean or whatever, so they cannot have this space of complete control but that it is still part of the household. I often will not give allowance until they clean their room. Withholding money is one thing but do not withhold any passions they DO have, such as sports or academics! Praise and encourage their accomplishments and consider no allowance if chores are not done. The pandemic has been so hard on our teens. If they are still doing homework and fitness, to me that is promising and worth celebrating. I know it is frustrating. Keep the faith!
I too have a busy teen that doesn’t like to do housework. First, I think you should give the medication time to wear off before expecting her to manage the waking up. Second, pick your battles. Let her decide which chores she needs to do. It’s normal for a teen to want to make her own path and make mistakes. Take joy in the success she has and the relationship you have. In the blink of an eye, she will be out of the house making her own decisions.
The napping during the day sounds a bit atypical but if she is physically and mentally healthy and is a star student the only issue I see is that you have taken it upon yourself to awaken her. Let her set her own alarms? If she continues to sleep and misses school or teamwork she might find herself more engaged in the process of self regulation. The messy room is very normal. I just shut the door to my sons room and let him deal with it. Not big enough to fight over especially if she is such a good kid over all. Good luck!
This is a difficult and emotionally draining situation you describe. While the waking and cleaning are likely related, for the purposes of this response, I'll address them separately.
You've noted that your daughter is tapering off of a medication that has a sedating effect. I would speak with her prescribing doctor about the sleep issues. What you describe does not sound like "normal" teen behavior. Your daughter is of the age where it is appropriate for her to manage her own waking if there are no underlaying health issues.
As far as the cleaning goes, it will be difficult to support her in changing her habits if the rest of the family is similar, even if she is the worst offender. You might consider a re-boot for the whole family. Perhaps a family meeting is in order. Start small. Also, keep in mind that she is of an age where it is typical for the room to be a disaster. My daughter was a neat freak as a child. Once she hit high school it all fell to pieces--her room was a disaster. She was a high performing student and a two season athlete.
I have housecleaners come once a month. My daughter is expected to pick up her mess before they arrive. The cleaners do a thorough cleaning, but do not pick up clutter. If she hasn't picked up, they don't clean. Other than that, it's up to her to clean in between housecleanings. She's also responsible for her laundry and washing the dishes after dinner. After a year or two of her room being an utter disaster most of the time, she started getting tired of sleeping on smelly sheets, of clean clothes left unfolded in laundry baskets getting covered with cat hair, of food turning moldy in bowls shoved under the bed, of loosing homework and writing implements, etc. Her room is now relatively neat and clean (not to my "standard", but don't spend time in there). Caveat: if mental health is an issue (depression, anxiety, learning issues, etc.) that can manifest in one's lack of ability to maintain one's space. The mental health issues have to be addressed for improvement on the cleaning front. (I know this first hand from my second child, now a young adult. He, too, can now keep his room clean.)
There's hope. Compassionate parenting will go a long way.
Hi. I do not have any advice but wanted to say that I am kinda similar situation with my 16 year-old-son (and also the 13-year-old daughter, but son goes extreme) - who does have the same sleep pattern/tiredness etc.like your daughter; and also does not clean up his room at all; nor does any household work. He used to do chores until about a year ago. I myself am a bit disorganized and do not have very strict rules; but I wonder even if I had rules, whether they would have ignored those anyway. Our house is generally not very organized, but I have explained the need for cleanliness and organization many times. I am wondering if this is more of a teenage thing. I would actually love to hear stories of teens who keep their rooms neat and clean, are disciplined, self-motivated to do chores, helps family members and so on. Take care.-SG