Advice about School-Aged Kids
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At least since he was 4, my son seems to have this inner drive to lead and direct people. He is 6 now, and his favorite / most requested activity is to act as an art teacher (or workshop director) and have us enact his project ideas. I used to worry that he was just avoiding trying to create things himself because he suspected we could do it better. But he does a lot of independent artwork at school, and I’ve come to accept that to a large extent he actually craves this role of leading and directing. I would love some ideas for how to help him become skilled at leading, so he can build on this inner drive in a healthy way (and not just be someone who tries to boss everyone around)!
These days I give him some “project time” most days where I act as the art student or worker and he is the leader, and I try to coach him toward ways of talking that make me feel good and inspired rather than controlled, criticized, and annoyed. We’re making progress this way (and I end up making some cool stuff!). However, I don’t consider myself much of a leadership expert. What else could we do to help him become a good leader? Are there organized activities that are great for this? Books we could read? Ways of talking about leading at this age? Any ideas would be much appreciated!
Jan 9, 20235 year old hates to lose!
–Jan 26, 2021I've read a bunch of online tips and parenting blogs, but would like to hear from parents here.
My son is an only child, a little over 5 years old, and has been home with us for basically the whole last year. Prior to COVID, he was in a preschool for about 9 months. He is VERY strong willed ("spirited" as some would say) but also someone who is 95% of the time a joy to be around.
He absolutely HATES to lose!
If we're on the floor racing toy cars, he has to win. Playing Tic Tac Toe, if he loses, he crumbles up the paper and throws the pencils. Swimming and chasing, if he doesn't get there first, he screams or yells and we have to leave. Telling a story where I make up characters and he's in the story as well, his character has to win. You get the idea. For the record, I don't let him always win.
I've tried to tell him that if another little friend always has to lose, then nobody will want to play with him. He'll say then he doesn't want to play with anyone. This makes me sad, because with COVID, he's not played with any little friends in so long. I've tried to say I don't want to play with him if he throws stuff/tantrum when he doesn't win. He'll say fine, he will play by himself. Again, it's really sad, because my partner and I are all our son has. I tell him it's ok to lose, you can win another time. He sort of understands that conceptually, but he has no desire to apply it in real life. I tell him, if someone else wins, you say "good job" and try harder next time. Again, he understands, but only with much reinforcement does he remember to say it once or twice, and then he'll insist on winning again.
What are some other ways I can get through to him? I'm especially interested in stories/methods that are recent and post-covid. I feel like had his socialization and preschooling not been interrupted by this darned pandemic, he would've learned how to play with others and how to lose gracefully. But now it's just our little family and losing is just such a foreign concept that he refuses to accept.
Jan 26, 2021Strong-willed 8yo boy, how to not spoil without battles
–Nov 16, 2017I am a SAH mom & I see my strong-willed 8 yr old boy getting more rude, sarcastic and ungrateful. I try to catch him being good, but should I say, "oh I feel happy when you are pleasant & speaking kindly and not hitting me or your sister??" He gets away with not doing much at home because he doesn't volunteer to do much without groaning and saying "you are mean", & we don't want to fight with him.
It is frustrating. He is at home playing Lego a lot and is picky about extra curricular classes eg: he doesn't like the teacher.
Advice please! If I do positive reinforcement, he wants to bargain for more. Is there a community/sport/music/outdoor ed group that can be helpful?
Good citizen
Nov 16, 2017
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See also: Advice about Teens
Boy Scouts or similar comes to mind. At this age I would emphasize with him (and try to practice) that leaders know how to work with others towards their shared goal, leaders support those who need extra help or are feeling left out, leaders respect differing opinions, etc.
I wonder if it is a matter of framing? I used to play teacher all the time as a kid, I was kind of bossy, and that was an acceptable way for me to have control in my dysfunctional family. I'm not implying yours is, but control is a big thing to little kids and maybe he's feeling like he needs more of it? So I'd start with thinking about that idea, and then I second the suggestion that you look into scouting or some other collaborative group activity where he is able to assert himself but also learn to work with others. Also, get him in some independent art classes - sounds like he'd love it! Good luck!
It's been a while since you asked but I just came across your post and thought of Outdoor Kids Group. They provide outdoor nature-based OT therapy but they also incorporate "peer playmates" as part of the group of kids receiving OT services. The peer playmates help the kids in OT by modeling age appropriate play and social skills, in return they get to play outdoors and participate in some really cool and creative activities. I think they meet in the Tilden Park or Redwood Regional. The therapists who run the groups are fabulous and skilled at helping the "peer playmates" become good role models and kind leaders. My son was a peer playmate when he was about 7, like your son, he wanted to be a leader but needed to tone down the bossiness. Outdoor Kids Group — Outdoor Kids Occupational Therapy (outdoorkidsot.com)