Surrogate Pregnancy
Parent Q&A
Archived Q&A and Reviews
Becoming a surrogate for my brother?
April 2007
My brother and his wife have been undergoing fertility treatments for a couple of years, and it looks like surrogacy may be the last option for them to have their own biological child. I had an easy pregnancy with my daughter, who is now 8 months old, and enjoyed being pregnant. I'm 35, and want another baby but not right away. Should I carry their child in the meantime? My brother and I are very close and this experience would probably bring us closer, but my relationship with my sister-in-law has been up and down. Right now it is up, but I wonder about the emotional complexity of a surrogate relationship. Has anyone out there been a surrogate for a family member? Or had a family member as a surrogate? What advice can you give me? Potential surrogate
I just wanted to put some things out there for you to think about. You are 35 yrs old and want another child eventually. Your own fertility will drop significantly after age 35 and the risks for birth defects goes up considerably. I got pregnant right away with my first child. For the second preganancy (after age 35) we had to resort to ferility treatments. It is very common to have a hard time getting pregnant the second time around. So, do the math. You will have to go through tests and hormones before getting pregnant, then 9 months of carrying their baby, then recovery. You won't want to get pregnant really soon after giving birth. So you will be a much older woman after giving birth to your brother's baby and then may face your own fertility challenges.
Secondly, I know someone who was a surrogate. There were a lot of hormones, etc. that she had to take and it made her the biggest space cadet and affected her physically. So if I were you I'd find out more about what exactly is involved and if you want to go through all of that while taking care of a toddler. With IVF there is a greater chance of post partum depression because of all the hormones you take. So overall, being a surrogate is not the same pregnancy as you went through with your first.
And that leads me to my third point. Taking care of a toddler while pregnant can be very draining. I hope you make a decision that is right for not only you and your brother, but the whole family as well. anon
I wouldn't do it, and I have given it a lot of thought. Only in my situation my sister-in-law wanted my husband to donate sperm to her girlfriend. A serious consideration is would you ever really be able to let go and have no say in the raising of your genetic child? What if you didn't like the way the child was being raised? What if you change your mind when the baby is born? What if the child had some serious medical problem -- you may be asked to contribute to medical care. A part of your heart will always be in that child, but you won't be able to make any major decisions in his/her care. Surrogacy is fine as a business arrangement, but when it's in your own family I don't think you have enough distance to really let go. All sorts of disagreements could come up, but when the stakes are that high it could tear your family apart. By helping your brother you may ultimately damage your relationship with him. Please don't enter into this lightly. Write down every possible contingency and discuss with your family how you would feel about each possiblity, and how it would be handled. Remember, even if you have an attorney write up what you think is an airtight contract, a judge can always render it invalid when circumstances indicate that following it would not be in the ''best interests of the child.'' Considered it and said no
Have you checked with your brother's fertility clinic that you're a viable surrogate? At 35, you're too old for many clinics. -your heart's in the right place
I didn't see the original post, only the responses, but I wanted to encourage you to research it a bit more and talk to women who've been gestational surrogates before you decide no. Our twin boys were born 4 months ago and carried by an amazing woman that we are so grateful decided to do this for us. Yes, there are hormones, similar to part of those you'd take in an IVF cycle, but I really don't think that they have an effect on post-partum depression as one reply stated. Of course you should take into consideration if you are finished having your own children, not only because of your age, but also because any pregnancy is risky and there can be unintended consequences.
Most (if not all) clinics will consider a gestational carrier over 35 (ours was 38 when she carried for us) --the age of the ''womb'' matters much less than the age of the eggs! If you talked to our surrogate, I think she would tell you that the connection she felt with our babies was very different than the connection with her own children --I don't believe it was a struggle for her to say goodbye when they were born. We all talk about it now as a journey that was not easy at all times, but very, very worthwhile for all of us in different ways.
One place you might start your research is by going to a website such as www.allaboutsurrogacy.com or www.surromomsonline.com to see what other surrogates or women considering doing this have to say,
Good luck with your decision! Mom of three
Finding a Surrogate Mother
April 2006
Good friends of ours--who would make great parents--are trying to find a surrogate mother after some heartbreaking attempts at IVF. If anyone can recommend how to find a surrogate mother, please post. They would prefer not to go through an agency.
My husband and I found our angel of a surrogate through a website called surromomsonline.com. We also did not want to go through an agency. There are many other surrogacy websites out there but this is the only one I can recommend from personal experience. There are hundreds of ads on the site from potential surrogates. Your friends can also place a 'looking for a surrogate' ad, too - this is how we found our surrogate; she responded to our ad. There is also a ton of other useful information about types of surrogacy, legal issues, success stories, etc. Best of luck to your friends - we now have a beautiful son, and finding that website was our first step. If it could happen for us, I have no doubt it can happen for them! Mommy at last
You probably are starting to look into pediatricians and you often can do "getting to know you" appointments/interviews before baby is born. I'd ask this question to them. I don't think anyone can really answer it but you can weigh pros/cons, risks/benefits. Anecdotally, I know two families in similar situations who flew home within a week because they wanted to be in their own home ASAP.
A friend of mine just did this (had a baby via surrogacy in GA) and I think she stayed for around 3 weeks after the birth until she flew home. I don't know when it's considered 'safe' but that's just one data point.
Not the same situation, but when my grandma died soon after my second was born, our pediatrician heavily discouraged us from flying before 2 months (when kids get a ton of vaccines and infections become slightly less cause for concern). I'm not sure that's the right answer in this scenario but we ended up driving from DC to Michigan for the funeral instead. I'll add too that when my cousin was adopted from Kansas my aunt and uncle drove back with her a few weeks after birth. Though, of course, Kansas to Michigan, is shorter than GA to CA.
It’s safe to fly with a newborn in terms of altitude and all that. The doctors at the hospital will probably help you understand what needs to be done. We didn’t fly back home after our daughter was born in Colorado, but our medical team’s only concern about flying with her was the fact it was October 2020 so the Covid pandemic was really at its height. I would also consider what time of year it is in terms of cold and flu season if I was going to be flying back. A newborn getting sick can be quite a big deal. We drove from southern Colorado to Oakland with her and stopped for 2 nights. We did stop every 2-2.5 hours to feed and change her.
I don't know the surrogacy laws. We adopted our child at birth. She was born in an E. Coast State and we lived in CA. For adoption there were laws about when we could take her out of the state in which she was born, in order the complete the final legalities (birth mother rights). The pediatrician at the hospital let us know about the medical considerations of how soon we could take our baby home to California (there might be health considerations). I know it is more expensive, but I wouldn't plan a return flight unless it is changeable. Congratulations! and best of luck!
Our pediatrician recommended waiting until after the 2 month vaccines. We didn't fly until 2.5 months so the vaccines could have time to build immunity. But given your circumstances I can see that might be a long time to wait. Hoping a pediatrician can weigh in for you.
Assuming the baby is generally healthy and strong, I'd suggest waiting a week or two - that will give you time to get to know the baby and its needs, what soothing methods work best, etc, and make sure there are no hidden complications. This website has some good info about specific airlines' rules: https://www.babycantravel.com/when-can-baby-travel-by-plane/. Congratulations on your impending arrival!
Your surrogate presumably has an ob/gyn who should be able to answer this question or steer you to someone who can.
I’m not a doc but happy to relay my understanding as we were just looking into this for our now 3 month old. Typically folks wait until about 8-10 weeks old to put a baby on a plane. This is because they get a whole slew of vaccines at their 8 week well child visit, and like most vaccines, they take about 2 weeks to fully kick in. You can chance it and fly earlier, but if baby gets a fever before 6 weeks of age (I think that’s the age? Maybe double check) it would require a spinal tap. Fevers are a bit less of a concern and something you can treat with Tylenol when they’re a bit bigger.
two things to consider if you don’t think you can wait that long:
1) some docs will give the 8 week shots as early as 6 weeks upon request (ours did, to help protect for holiday travel). Might depend on the health of the baby.
2) are you into road trips? You could drive :)
but in my opinion, staying thru ~10 weeks would be safest and easiest. Babies are seen at 8 weeks and then not again until 4 months, so that would also be a convenient time to transition from the GA pediatrician to your CA pediatrician.
Hi Mike--airlines usually have rules about how old infants need to be to fly. We needed a doctor's note (saying our son was healthy and fine to fly) in order to fly home on Southwest with our adopted son a week and a half after his birth; I think Southwest did not require a note for infants over two weeks old. This was before Covid, which of course adds a complication. But for what it's worth I kept our newborn swaddled up against me in a sling during the flight, so there was a mask-like layer of fabric between him and the plane the whole time.
General guidance is to wait a few months after the baby is born to fly. You want to avoid colds with newborns, especially in the first month. If you want to fly after a few days you may need a doctors note. In this case it might be worth the risk.
Most pediatricians will say 1 month before it's recommended that infants be near anyone other than parents. Plane seems dicey. I am surprised none will meet with you beforehand. Ours did. You can also go to a pediatric hospital and just ask the docs on staff.
Congrats on your upcoming baby! I can't tell you when it is safe, but I can share our story. Our kiddo was born via surrogacy in NY, and we live in CA. Neither pediatric office (NY or CA) would give advice until they had met the baby, and the few vague things they said varied wildly (one nurse said we couldn't travel until all infant shots were done, which was something like 6 months...). We ended up booking one-way travel arriving 10 days before due date. After baby arrived, we were up front with the pediatricians in NY that we wanted to come home as soon as they felt it was safe. Fortunately, our little one was born very robust and we were given the go-ahead after his 2-week exam, as they felt he was gaining weight well and didn't have any medical red flags that would preclude travel. So at 17 days of age, we took Amtrak home in a private compartment because it was mid-pandemic and I was scared of sharing air with strangers on a plane. The con was that the train crosses through some very remote areas and the risk of having a medical emergency without immediate help was scary (and packing 3 days' worth of clean bottles and formula was its own challenge). I think the pediatrician in NY favored air travel because even if baby caught covid/cold/flu, the travel itself would be much more efficient. (They were probably right, but that was during the period of aggressive anti-maskers behaving particularly badly on planes, which I was not emotionally prepared to handle.) Best of luck to you and your tiny precious cargo!
Hi there- we adopted in Florida and flew home on day 10, No problems- baby slept through all of the flight except for feedings. Best of luck!
Hi, my daughter was just 3.5, almost 4 months when we dared to fly. The advise the midwives and a doctor gave me: breastfeed while taking off and landing to release the pressure in the ears. It wasn't so bad.
Our pediatricians told us the same thing 5 & 7 years ago as with our current newborn: two months because they get their first round of vaccinations at the two-month checkup. You’ll likely need to find a pediatrician there for the first visit out of the hospital, the 2-week visit, and the 2-month visit with first round of shots before flying home. Congrats!