Anxiety & Depression in Preteens
Parent Q&A
We, too, have anxious tendencies, and our child started having anxiety issues around 9 / 10 years old. They were having issues with sleep, self esteem, depression. We tried CBT exposure therapy and it wasn’t for us. It is not meant to be for a long term and we do think the few sessions did have immediate improvement in child’s fear but the process was very intense. I do not doubt the effectiveness but we wanted a more warm and supportive / relationship based therapy. The work involved was so hard that the child refused to do the exposure therapy. Also, CBT / exposure therapy tends to be more expensive. I think it’s because it is meant to be a short term, targeted work? When we began exposure therapy, the therapist said she thought it would take about 10-12 sessions to address the 2 main issues.
We switched to a play based therapy at www.thechildrensinstitute.com and it has been working out well. Child enjoys the warmth, validation and gentle guidance from the therapist. We also meet with the same therapist and she does coaching for us. the improvement may take more time but the process is less painful for us and the child. The coaching sessions are helping us understand our child better.
The cost is a burden. Our child’s current therapist is $200/hr which is less than any CBT therapist we worked with or looked into. I think play based therapists charge anywhere from $175-$225 based on our recent research. Most don’t take insurance. We have Kaiser so we have no options but when we had Cigna PPO, we submitted for reimbursement and we found Cigna to issue reimbursements pretty quickly.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Hope you find the help you need ASAP.
Archived Q&A and Reviews
- 7th grader hit puberty and is so sad!
- Relaxation Tape for 12 yr Boy with Anxiety
- 12 year old with anxiety attacks
7th grader hit puberty and is so sad!
June 2012
My 7th grader just hit puberty and all of a sudden is so sad! She was never like this before, and I don't remember being like this (although apparently my sister was). She cries and cries, alone in her room. We have always been very close, and now she just wants to be alone in her room. Normal things that I used to do (like open her shades in the morning, or open her window) she gets very upset about. I am finding that I cannot keep up! She went from being a little girl to a teenager literally over night (I have read about this, but could not imagine it ever happening to my daughter). She has always been exceedingly sweet and honest and caring, and over night she is moody, crying, sad, and very frustrated. Is this simply puberty? Will it mellow out? I am surprised at how lost I feel. Advice from those who have walked this path would be wonderful! Mom of teen
A friend of mine likened the onset of puberty to being hit by a truck - all of a sudden, everything is different. And very difficult. I think it's particularly hard if you had a close relationship with your daughter, as I had. It takes a while for everyone to adjust to the new dynamic. So first, give yourself a break. No, the sweet pre-adolescent girl is not going to return, so it's appropriate to grieve that loss. And your role is most effective if you're a little detached. (My stock response for a couple of years - once I adjusted to my new role - was ''I'm so sorry you feel that way.'') The good news is that they do return. My sister, who teaches high school, tells mothers of her students ''A monster is going to take over your daughter for 5 years, but at the end of those 5 years the monster leaves and you get your daughter back.'' For us it wasn't a full 5 years, but I could tell crazy stories about lying, meanness, betrayal. That said, now I'm now calmly teaching my 15-year-old daughter how to drive a stick shift, and on New Year's Day she actually said to me ''Mom, it's, like, such a relief that I don't have to lie to you...'' Take a deep breath. Find fellow mothers to commiserate with. It's not going to be easy, but it won't last forever. Good luck. Been there.
I missed your question the other week, but saw this week's response and want to reiterate that although the initial shock of adolescent moodiness/nastiness/coldness is pretty awful, daily life eventually improves quite a lot, usually after two or three years. If it's any consolation, our daughters DO realize, sooner or later, when they've been mean; mine would sometimes apologize very sweetly for being cruel, especially if she was left alone or allowed to talk out her emotions. I think they actually want to stay close, but worry that they can't grow up unless they separate (and that's probably true). And I really agree with the value of becoming detached. I found life worked best when I refused to be treated rudely, but reacted to her moods as calmly as possible, even if it meant I had to go out later and take a walk to cool down.
One idea: See if you can get her laughing. I'm convinced that a lot of teenage awfulness resides in their emotional turmoil and the resulting physical stress and snappiness. When my daughter was being obnoxious, I'd suggest an after-dinner Monty Python or M*A*S*H episode, and that almost always lightened things (and gave her an excuse to mellow out while still saving face). Also, look at Mike Riera's books on parenting teenagers--very good, practical advice.
Lastly, if your daughter is on the intense and obsessive side, this is a useful technique when she gets into an emotional tailspin and won't be consoled. I came across it a few years ago, and realized I had done the same thing with my girl (only less structured and minus the new-agey trappings): http://www.oprah.com/health/The-Gift-of-Listening
Best wishes to you and your daughter. Some day she'll be pleasant company again, and probably love and admire you all the more for putting up with her so gracefully. Melanie
Relaxation Tape for 12 yr Boy with Anxiety
Dec 2011
My 12 year old son has situational anxiety/panic issues related to when he goes to the dentist for anything else but a cleaning or has to go the doctor for shots. I am looking for an mp3 relaxation or hypnosis recording he can listen to that can be download from the web. Most importantly it needs to be a recording that a 12 year boy can relate to (i.e., no flowery imagery ). Any suggestions?
If you would like a tailored MP3 recording, I have seen a great hypnotherapist named Lucy Seligman who does a session and records it. She is really talented, and I think the benefits of a specifically-tailored recording might be worth the price. Right now she has a holiday deal for $55 per session; you can contact her at 510 710 3917, or email her at lucy [at] lucyseligman.com. The MP3 recording is included in the price. Christine
Here's an idea. On his own or with you, create an mp3 based on images and ideas and perhaps music or sounds that your son loves and that calm him down. Decades ago when I got divorced, I recorded an inspiring poem in my own voice and played it over and over before I left for work each morning. It was empowering to hear my own calm voice claiming all this good. You can use your phone (free conference services offer recordings of calls or your cell phone may have an app), the computer, or a recorder. Record instructions like breathe deeply and relax the body parts; picture, feel, hear, taste whatever he feels will calm him. Reply if you want some more ideas how to do this. Even if you purchase a professional recording, this might be an additional tool that will empower your son. Nancy
We've had good luck with a small, portable device called Stress Eraser (http://stresseraser.com/science-of-the-stresseraser), which helps users modulate their breathing and heart rate. It's not an audiotape, but it trains people how to control feelings of panic. Once you learn how to do this, it often just takes a minute or two with the device to get yourself back to a better place. It also helps with stress-related insomnia. Best of luck. Margaret S.
12 year old with anxiety attacks
Sept 2008
My twelve year old niece suffers from anxiety attacks. In her mom\x92s words, she gets stuck in a \x93whirlpool of worries that she can\x92t get out of.\x94 Her mom has found books directed at the parents of children struggling with anxiety, but I\x92m wondering if anyone has any suggestions for books or programs for the children themselves. Thanks. Concerned uncle
Both my girls went through the same thing - it started around age 11. Check out ''Dr. Fear'' who teaches phobease group classes for kids at Kaiser Valleojo twice a year. You don't have to be a Kaiser member, the cost is resonable (? 100 for 6 weeks). He uses cognitive behavioral therapy techniques - will give homework each week. Very empowering for the kids to see they aren't ''crazy'' and that there are very concrete things that they can do to stop the anxiety. I think the next class starts in October. Google it for contact info. grateful mom
I don't know where you're located but UC Berkeley's Psychology Dept has interns who do therapy under the guidance of an experienced therapist. You can specify cognitive therapy, gender of therapist, etc. I would recommend the cognitive behavioral therapy for this, having gone through it with my child very successfully. Who knows if later she may benefit from traditional therapy, but this is where I'd start. If you're not near there I suppose you could try calling other universities? Oh, the benefit, excellent work at a sliding scale. - been there
Hello, I think it would be helpful for your niece to actually learn some strategies for dealing with anxiety. I have an anxiety prone 6-year old and my mom got her a CD which teaches her relaxation and mindfulness strategies. It is called: ''Still quiet place:playful practice to promote health and happiness'' by Amy Saltzman MD (contact info is dramy [at] foryourselfhealth.com). She may also have a CD for older kids, but I have to say I enjoy this one myself when I feel stressed. mgh
We, too, have anxious tendencies, and our child started having anxiety issues around 9 / 10 years old. They were having issues with sleep, self esteem, depression. We tried CBT exposure therapy and it wasn’t for us. It is not meant to be for a long term and we do think the few sessions did have immediate improvement in child’s fear but the process was very intense. I do not doubt the effectiveness but we wanted a more warm and supportive / relationship based therapy. The work involved was so hard that the child refused to do the exposure therapy. Also, CBT / exposure therapy tends to be more expensive. I think it’s because it is meant to be a short term, targeted work? When we began exposure therapy, the therapist said she thought it would take about 10-12 sessions to address the 2 main issues.
We switched to a play based therapy at www.thechildrensinstitute.com and it has been working out well. Child enjoys the warmth, validation and gentle guidance from the therapist. We also meet with the same therapist and she does coaching for us. the improvement may take more time but the process is less painful for us and the child. The coaching sessions are helping us understand our child better.
The cost is a burden. Our child’s current therapist is $200/hr which is less than any CBT therapist we worked with or looked into. I think play based therapists charge anywhere from $175-$225 based on our recent research. Most don’t take insurance. We have Kaiser so we have no options but when we had Cigna PPO, we submitted for reimbursement and we found Cigna to issue reimbursements pretty quickly.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Hope you find the help you need ASAP.
Hi, I am a therapist and would recommend talking with a few therapists. I think Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) would be a good place to start. But most therapists will assess if the type of treatment is appropriate for your child. And most ERP therapists are also trained in CBT, not always the other way around.
For parents there is also SPACE treatment (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) which is a way of treating the child’s anxiety through working with the parents only. It’s a great treatment for school refusal due to anxiety and childhood anxiety in general.
Unless you are scared for their safety I would not go the med route at age 10. You may end up on a non stop road of meds that are not really made for children. I have a lot of experience in this having gone through it with my own child. DBT therapy would be very appropriate. It has groups, parent training, individual therapy all as a part of it. Another option is Equine therapy. Both of these are helpful for anxiety and trauma. They helped my child immensely.
My child sounds similar to yours and we've had great success with CBT. It does take work in between sessions, but our therapist did an amazing job of getting my child's buy-in when suggesting new things to try. She always takes time at the beginning of the session to check in on general stuff - how things are going with friends, any new school drama, how the soccer game went, etc. And she must take amazing notes because she remembers everything! Which of course makes my child feel connected and heard. It's expensive, but short-term. We did a few months in the spring and successfully addressed panic attacks and some sleep issues. We are now back for some new stuff, but the expectation is that this will also be short-term.