11 week old only sleeps when held

This is so incredibly hard. I am so sorry you are going through this. Our child is a poor sleeper. We did everything that you were not supposed to do — cosleep, swing, etc. one tip I have is a modified swaddle (Russian Swaddle?) where the arms are out but baby is still wrapped up tightly. It worked somewhat for a while. This type of swaddle is safe for moving babies. 100% cotton and wool sleep sack was also moderately successful. They are very expensive but worked much better than pure cotton or fleece ones. In the summer, we used muslin ones.

I think somewhere between 3 - 6 months is when you can start sleep training. So, you are really close! Our pediatrician wanted us to wait until around 4 month but many friends of mine started right at 12 week mark. 
 

One regret I have is not sleep training. We tried but I couldn’t bare listening to our baby cry for hours, so I just did what my parents and grandparents did — nurse on demand and cosleep and wear the baby as much as possible. I thought the child will grow up in their own times. My kid isn’t fully grown yet, so jury is still out. But, this type of parenting is so exhausting especially when it comes to sleep. You and your spouse need sleep. Your baby won’t magically learn to self sooth and fall sleep. Sleep is such a basic human need, I thought… baby will eventually figure this out, I thought… my 10 year old still cannot self soothe to go to sleep and often needs me to lay down next to them or sooth them at 3 AM. We are now talking about sleep training a 10 year old. I honestly thought sleep training was cruel. Maybe it is. But, chronically sleep deprived parents are seriously no good to kids. Lack of sleep makes us so tired, cranky, and robs us of the energy. patience and clear thinking we need to parent our kids the way we want during the day. (And, I have dropped our baby once. It was very scary. But apparently quite common.) Worst of all, you may grow to resent being parents. In my most exhausted state, I often think “WTH have I done to myself? Life would be so much easier without the kid.” I love my kid and I am a fiercely protective and deeply loving parent. But, I cannot even count the number of times I nearly had a breakdown due to lack of sleep. Do yourself a favor and consider sleep training. My 10 year old asked me to lay down and stay until they fall sleep tonight. They said “I get really scared and when I close my eyes, all the scary thoughts come. Will you please stay and help me fall asleep? I really need to get good sleep because I have a big rehearsal tomorrow for my play.” (There are million cuddly stuffies around.) “they help but they are not warm. They are not mommy. I really need mommy tonight.” I gave in and laid down next to the kid because they had been getting only 4-5 hours of sleep for several days and have been struggling to go to school. (This means I have been sleep deprived and living in a zombie-like state at work and home. I felt very unsafe driving today due to lack of sleep. I gave into the child’s request out of desperation for sleep for myself.) 

I hope your baby will learn to self soothe soon and you and your spouse can get some decent sleep in the near future. 

Sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things. I'd consider hiring a sleep consultant and being open to sleep training, 12 weeks is not too young, depending on who you ask. Sleep training was important for our entire family with both our kids, yes including the babies. Everyone was better rested and happier for it. I think the Modified Ferber method could be an option (it's not "cry-it-out" per se since you are still checking on them in lengthening intervals). Good luck, I know how hard this is!! 

We had a baby who was similar. We found that putting him in the baby swing allowed him to take naps without being held. At night, he slept next to me. I wore a turtleneck to bed to avoid blankets! Eventually he was able to sleep alone, though it did take what seemed like forever! Sorry this is so hard for you! Babies don’t always want to follow what the pediatricians will tell you is the norm.

I have 2 kids and had 2 very different experiences with sleep at the beginning. My first would sleep swaddled on his back. He had a pretty normal amount of waking up at night and then I sleep trained him at 5 months b/c he wouldn't be rocked or nursed to sleep anymore. He took to it immediately and then eventually started sleeping through the night at 9 months. He started napping on his own and better once he was sleep trained as well. My 2nd refused to sleep on his back and hated being swaddled. He woke up a million times when we tried. He would only sleep on us at night and for naps. We took turns at the beginning of the night and then he would sleep on my chest and I slept propped up. I did this for a couple months but he would move around on me so much that I was literally being woken up every few minutes. One morning by 4AM I was so exhausted I tried rolling him onto his stomach next to me. He passed out and slept SO much better. I slept right next to him and our mattress is firm so I felt OK with this. I know this is not recommended, but it worked for us. I never wanted to share a bed with my babies but I needed to sleep and I was so much more tired the 2nd time around. Once he started moving around the bed too much, I transitioned him into a pack n play next to us, still having him sleep on his tummy. I sleep trained him at 5 months as well. He didn't seem quite as ready as his brother did but he was showing some signs and I was ready for him to learn how to fall asleep on his own. It took longer to stick than with his brother, but he did adapt after a few weeks. He didn't nap on his own until around 4/5 months. Eventually my 2nd started sucking his thumb, which has been huge in terms of self soothing. He sleeps through the night now, but only started probably a month or so ago at 16 months. 

It will get better. All kids are different and some things work with some and not others. Good luck! 

Hi! I had a slightly premature baby and had similar challenges (his record was 45 mins). Hubby and I took turns and were too exhausted to function and had fears similar to yours. Every parent/child is different and always listed to the pediatrician. With that caveat, happy to share what eventually worked for us :  We tried 3 different baby wraps. One of those single pieces of cloth things that you make into a wrap, one of those ergo baby ones, and one baby bjorn carrier one. Baby was so inconsistent in which he preferred but ultimately preferred one with one parent and another with the other. I think it had to do with colic. We wore him around the house in the AM to get him familiar with it. So that at night, we knew he was strapped to us and we wouldn't drop him. Slowly we reached the point where we could open one side of it and slide him on to his bed. 

Crib transfer was impossible. We got a Lotus/guava traveling crib/play yard. So we could transfer him and sleep next to him. We were able to eventually move him to a crib in a couple of months.

This is controversial and something you should check with your pediatrician - our son just couldn't sleep on his back, or his side. Again it was likely his colic but he could only sleep on his tummy. So one adult would sit next to him reading etc. when he took a nap on his tummy to keep him safe and avoid SIDS. As his nap time increased, his night sleep improved and eventually he slept on his back in his crib. But it was a couple of months.

My child (now 2.5) was a terrible sleeper as a newborn. Even holding her and rocking to sleep didn’t work consistently. She would just stare at us. Even as a few days old in the hospital! Naps were a much bigger issue than nights, so we decided to start sleep training with naps around 8 weeks old. I found incredible help and community in the Facebook group Respectful Sleep Training. This is a very divisive issue, but it is 100% the best decision we ever made as a family. Sleep is a complete non issue for us. She has slept independently 100% of the time since she was 10 weeks old. There are occasional blips as sleep needs have changed, but her sleep foundation is solid. We used the “core method” at night, and she started sleeping through the night by 11 weeks. 

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. We didn’t have this problem but had other issues getting our little one to sleep. Have you heard of the program Taking Cara Babies? We followed her 3/4 month program exactly and it worked for us. It’s really hard to change these habits but it can’t be any harder than what you’re already doing. The program is somewhere around $100 but it’s really, really helpful. It’s not formal sleep training and it’s not “cry it out.” 

This sounds extremely difficult. I’m sorry. You could hire a sleep coach. There are many doing virtual visits (unfortunately I don’t have one I can personally recommend.) but usually they give you a free consult to discuss the situation and they let you know if they can help or not. 
Another thing- my daughter was going through a long period where she was sleeping really poorly and waking constantly, unless held or in her carrier. After discussing with her dr (there were other signs) we decided to try reflux meds in case she had silent reflux. On the second night she slept like a charm and has since, for the most part. Maybe something to look into? 
Regardless- good luck. This sounds beyond exhausting. 

One other thought—if you can afford a night doula, they can implement these types of programs for you so you can get some rest and get a break from the tears! We had a fantastic night doula who helped our baby sleep longer stretches.

Hi there - i'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. Our second was like this - she needed to be held for every single sleep. Daytime was fine - she loved a carrier, but night was hard. The thing that saved us was a snoo. I know a lot of people are against it, but it was the light at the end of the tunnel for us. It took her a few days to adjust to it, but that was our ticket to sleep. 

We worked on putting her down drowsy and is now a champion napper and nighttime sleeper. We weaned her out of it just fine, and she transitioned to a crib perfectly once she started rolling. She is a thumb sucker when she gets super tired, and never took well to a pacifier. 

Hang in there - if you need anything else, let me know.

I had a baby like this. The Snoo helped a lot (I’m sorry to say because it’s so effing expensive). It was still rough because we’d only get 15-90 minute sleep windows, but it was a heck of a lot better than nothing and I know you’re probably on the brink of insanity right now!

Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this. We held our baby at night for about two months, switching off like you. She never slept in car seat or stroller. She screamed in her car seat. We were stuck in so cal during whole southwest debacle and we drove up. Took us 10 hours and she screamed for 5. It was horrible. She refused to sleep in the crib or bassinet so I decided to try co sleeping. She slept on one side of the bed while I slept couple of feet away and fed her on demand. I never thought I would do that but here we are. It helped tremendously but I still don’t recommend it. I feel horrible all the time for doing it. She’s 5 months now and she can sleep alone for 30 mins for naps and wakes up every couple of hours to nurse at night. A month ago she started rolling so I transferred her to the crib that’s next to me. Some days are ok, some days she just wants the boob all night long. I also can’t get her to use pacifier for soothing so that’s not helping. I am soooo done with it. We never sleep trained our first one and he learned to self soothe and sleep through the night by 1st birthday. He is still a great sleeper now. I will have to sleep train her soon but I just can’t commit to it. And whatever we’re doing now is not working. I don’t really have a good advice for you other than you’re not alone and all children are different and things don’t always go according to plan. Even our doctor said at two months to let her cry a bit to learn independent sleep. They said obviously feed her if you think she’s hungry but don’t hold her. I thought that was cruel and I just couldn’t do it. I think she gradually got better on her own but in 5 months I had 3 stretches of 5 hours of sleep. I should’ve started sleep training a month ago because I don’t think I am helping her with these comfort feedings at all. Again, so sorry for my ramble but I feel for you and I hope it gets better! 

Sounds like our kid. After a few months, we started having some success using an Ergobaby and DockATot. I'd wear him in the Ergobaby, bouncing and whatnot, until he was almost asleep, then carefully take him out and transfer him to the DockATot. I would hold him in it, rocking my arms a bit, until he'd fall asleep (5-20 minutes). Then, I would keep rocking as I very carefully lowered it down onto the bed/floor. Then, of course, you have to stay awake, keeping your eye on him, because DockATot is not a safe sleep space, unsupervised. Perhaps you could try that with a blanket that you can unroll after you lay him down. We never had success with a crib. We tried everything. Everything. My back and arms hurt a lot. I developed tennis elbow. One time, he fell asleep on his own, on the floor. It was magic. Magic that never happened again.

I just want you to know, it will change eventually. It's hard, and it's exhausting, and sometimes, it's just the way they are.

Ours started napping more independently and sleeping through the night around two years old. Since four years old, he mostly goes to sleep on his own. He's a great, happy, energetic kid.

DockATot/loungers are not considered safe, so I'm not advising you to do that; just sharing my experience.

Sleep deprivation is torture. So sorry for you all. I would say that you can take a cue from the rest of the world and all of animal kingdom and sleep next to your baby. All mammals do this and your baby is totally normal. Obviously you will be careful to not use heavy blankets. I personally had a side car that attached to the bed. A half circle crib so it’s like sharing a bed but without risk of falling or blankets. I think that it was called BabyBay or something like that. Having decent sleep will mean that you will be more alert and aware of your child it is safer when you are not overly tired. I hope that someone can take the baby for a few hours so that you can nap.

That sounds so tough!! Our baby was pretty easy to move to sleeping on his mattress so I’m not sure if this helps, but one thing we did to ease the transition from holding to sleeping on his firm mattress was to first teach him to sleep on top of a memory foam pillow. First just his bottom would rest on it (with the pillow on our laps) while our hands were around him and supporting his neck, and gradually we removed support until he learned to like lying on it solo. We never left him alone/unobserved on it but eventually we could put the pillow on the couch/bed and he could sleep on it without being held at all. It seemed to make the transition to the much firmer mattress easier for him than when we first tried putting him directly on the unfriendly mattress! Good luck!!

So sorry you are going through this! Have you considered trying a Snoo? And if you've never heard of it, it is a bassinet that responds to your baby waking up and goes through a series of rocking and sounds to soothe them back to sleep.

My first child was a difficult sleeper -- this was 9+ years ago and I don't think Snoo was even invented then. I heard about it while pregnant in 2019/20 and decided to rent one. The difference between newborn sleep between the two kids was *dramatic.* Baby 2 slept well pretty much from the first night at home. Now, they are different kids and I wouldn't credit the Snoo for all of that difference, however I really think there is something to the fact that the baby is being soothed while in their bed and NOT by Mom or Dad. It helps them learn that they can fall asleep alone in bed. To this day Baby 2 (now 2.5 years) has zero interest in sleeping in our bed. She'll occasionally have a difficult night if sick (or sometimes on vacation) but that's it. 

You can rent a Snoo, which I found to be a super easy process. When I did it it was $100/month.  Looks like now it's $159 but that there's a free trial. Try it! You won't need it for all that long anyway. It's worth a couple hundred bucks to see if it could be a solution for you.

https://www.happiestbaby.com/products/snoo-smart-bassinet

Hello, I'm so sorry you are going through this. We went through it too. We finally caved and hired a sleep consultant at about 13 weeks. Randi Johnson from cribnotesconsulting.com came highly recommended from our neighbors because she follows a no-cry method. She did what's called sleep-training lite because you're right - you cannot do formal sleep training before 4 months because babies cannot self-soothe until then. It did cost $400 total for an in-person 4-hour session plus unlimited text support for a month. What works varies based on the baby. That's why Randi needs to come in, see what you're doing and what works for your LO. For our neighbors, it turns out he just needed the parents in the room until he slept (no contact) and then he'd go to sleep by himself. For our daughter, turns out we were waiting too long before putting her to sleep. We also needed to tightly swaddle and then leave her in the crib for a few mins to let her calm herself down. We also had to give her a pacifier. The room had to be dark, the white noise turned on pretty loud. Then, we had to leave the room. She'd fuss, but not cry. Most days, she was asleep in a few mins. If not, we would go over and pat her butt for a few mins and then she'd sleep by herself. $400 is steep but it was well worth it. In the past 1 month, we have done exactly 4 contact naps in total (and those were days she had bad reflux). Our daughter is going through a regression right now so it's been hard, but we're still able to manage without contact sleeping. Our sleep problems are by no means over, but our quality of life has certainly improved. Baby naps well on her own and as long as we are around to give her a paci when she wakes up, she goes right back to sleep. Also, if it helps, we sometimes miss the days our daughter would just go to sleep on us. She simply does not do it anymore and prefers to sleep on her own. The days are long but the years are short. Pretty soon, your LO will be able to sleep on his own. Until then, you can try what our neighbors did and what we did. If neither of those works, and you have $400 that you can pay, a formal sleep trainer is definitely worth it.

This is really hard but so, so normal! You don't need to sleep train to get sleep. You can find resources that help you move in the right direction now. Also, safe cosleeping is possible. Check out resources about the safe sleep seven: https://llli.org/the-safe-sleep-seven/

As a society we're so black and white about this but cosleeping is common all over the world, so it's weird that it is so frowned upon here. Plus it is SO MUCH SAFER than falling asleep in a chair or on the couch with your child. I bet you'd be surprised by how many families bedshare but just don't talk about it.

Here are some great resources about normal infant sleep/behavior/baby temperaments: 

https://heysleepybaby.com/

https://newparadigmmotherhood.podia.com/

https://lyndseyhookway.com/

https://www.babiesandbrains.com/

I feel terrible for sleep training our 4 month old. It was too early and not right for her. We slept trained our son at 6 months and it was something we had to do over and over and over again. He's a highly sensitive type and I don't think it sent the right message to the poor babe. Anyhow, I gave up after a couple nights with our daughter and have supported her to sleep ever since, she's 21 months old and she does sleep through the night and has for some time. Night weaning helped a lot but I didn't do that until 18 months. If you want baby to sleep in the crib you can get there! All of the links I shared have resources and tips for getting baby to sleep not on you. It takes practice but you can do it! 

So sorry you are going through this. My now 5 month old was similar, though not quite as difficult, and my husband and I did the same switching off holding him through the night and through naps. We also had to stop swaddling early on and that definitely made it worse! 

Some things that worked for my baby, who now exclusively sleeps at night and naps in his crib, and is getting decent at putting himself to sleep - 

1. A transition swaddle thing that allows for enough movement to be safe if they roll, but also restricts in a way that feels secure. We used the Amazing Baby one on Amazon. 
2. Keep trying putting down drowsy but awake. Sometimes it would take several attempts but we would get him settled in his crib eventually.

3. Patting his chest, holding a hand to his chest with a little gentle pressure, rubbing his head, vibrating his body a little.

4. Trying a pack and play with the bassinet level, if baby isn’t over the weight limit. We accidentally learned on a trip that our baby slept better in this than his crib, I suspect because it sways a bit when he moves.

5. Once you find what works, slowly reducing supports/time spent settling. 
6. Time. My baby would only nap for 20 mins at a time for a long time. Then suddenly one day his sleep cycle shifted to 40 mins. Now he consistently does at least 40 min naps and will often put himself back to sleep after waking up.

I liked Precious Little Sleep as a resource too. 
Good luck!!!

So hard!! But also soooooooo biologically normal and healthy. My son was the same way for a long time and at first I felt SO discouraged and I was sure I was doing something 'wrong'. But then I started learning about normal baby sleep and biology and it really helped me. I learned so much from Hey Sleepy Baby. Her tools allowed me to listen to my instincts to hold and nurture him and not feel the need to sleep train which wasn't a good fit for my family or parenting style. I then started to really really savor the contact naps - having my baby be so comfortable and deeply asleep on my chest, while I used the time to slow down a bit and read, listen to a podcast, watch a tv show, or text with my friends. I then used the Hey Sleepy Baby crib guide to help gently introduce my baby to sleeping on his own.... and over time, he learned to feel safe in his own bed.  I have zero regrets about the hours spent snuggling my sleeping baby. Sending love!!!

I feel for you! Our daughter also required to be held when she was an infant, and it was really hard! (Although I was able to lay down, propped up with pillows, and have her draped across my chest at night). We decided to sleep-train her when she was four months old and I'm very glad we did. Leaning to sleep by yourself is an important skill, and while the first week of sleep-training was ROUGH, it led to a happier, more well-rested family. Sleep deprivation makes it impossible to be the parent you want to be, and it's hard on the kid, too. Our daughter is now 7 and a champion sleeper. (And every kid is different -- our son always preferred to sleep alone). We have friends and family who chose not to sleep-train and even now, years later, their bedtime operation is an hours-long process. Do what works for your family, and good luck!

I was going to suggest sleep training also....until I read the part about the breathing and heart concerns. That changes everything, and I think you need to address that before you take any advice you get through BPN. Are those breathing and heart issues the reason your baby can't/won't sleep for long stretches on his back? Talk to your pediatrician and specifically ask for advice on this issue. See if your pediatrician can recommend a sleep expert or a developmental nurse. Through Kaiser, I discovered (after months of struggling) that I actually had access to a nurse who talked me through sleep training my son who was rejecting naps. Just FYI, sleep training isn't just "close the door and cry it out", there are many many different levels between "holding my baby to sleep" and "I just walk away and let him cry his heart out". I had to sleep train my son and at 11 years old, he's a great sleeper. I agree with you, you can't hold your baby for sleep forever, but I think your pediatrician is your first step here. Good luck!

When you can, sleep train when it's appropriate and it will be in a few weeks. I also was afraid of my baby crying into the night and held out for 8 months- that was miserable. And once we were finally in the zone where we could sleep train, it took three nights, and he cried for less than an hour (in total) each night. I liked the method where you lay the baby down, and if they start crying, set a timer for five minutes, then go in, cuddle etc. then set them down, then timer for 7 minutes, go back in if they are still screaming, etc. Getting good naps is essential too to a few hours in a row of sleep. I echo the other reply, you will not be the parent you want to be if you cannot sleep. 

Our first child was similar, except she wasn't easy-going during awake hours either. I just co-slept with her. It wasn't the best sleep I've ever gotten, but it was a lot more sleep than it sounds like you are getting. I tried a bunch of the stuff you are trying (although I think you have tried more things than I thought of) and nothing really seemed to work. I'm sorry it's probably not what you wanted to hear, and everyone said we were crazy to not just leave the baby crying. She's 14 now (has slept alone for years, barely tolerates sharing a queen bed in hotels now) and I'm still glad we didn't. Maybe you can hire someone or ask family/friends to help out? Since your baby is otherwise easy going, I think there's a decent chance he will one day just move on from this concept. Both my kids would insist on something until one day they just didn't and there was really no rhyme or reason to it. Sorry I don't have more helpful advice, but since you asked what others with a baby like this had done thought I would share my experience. 

I would checkout the Instrageam Nature nurture neuroscience parenting which will help you feel much much better about what’s going on and how truly normal this is. All three of my kids went through this and the best advice I can give is to hire a housekeeper so you don’t feel stressed by the work that is going undone. I promise you’ll look back on this time fondly even if it can feel like forever in the mOment. My mantra is to be the parent my child is asking me To be. It’s not easy it’s not without sacrifice and I lose it sometimes but that’s my true north and I’ve never regretted it.

So sorry you are dealing with this! 3 ideas:

1) While you say your pediatrician doesn't recommend sleep training, i would consider researching a specific approached tailored to younger babies and run it by your pediatrician. There is so much value in giving your baby a little time to try to learn to self soothe. If you are interested, check out the resources in the Respectful Sleep Training/Learning facebook group. There are modified training approaches for newborn babies that involve shorter windows of letting them try to fall asleep independently and then "rescuing".  You mentioned your child has specific health concerns so i would 100% defer to pediatrician for any advice on navigating, but sleep training definitely works for younger babies in general. Mine was able to take all naps independently by 9 weeks and as well as fall asleep independently and go back to sleep independently at night (though i still fed him at night for awhile longer).

2) Have you tried waiting more than 20 minutes of baby being asleep before transferring to crib? Once they get into a deep sleep around that duration, sometimes the transfer will stick better

3) They are super expensive and i never used one, but you could consider hiring a night nanny, just to give your husband/you a break and preserve your mental health. I have acquaintances who used them and said it was game changing, even if just to get one or two nights a week with a break.

Good luck - you will eventually get more sleep i promise!!!

I’m so sorry you’re in this struggle. I know it well. My husband and I have now had two of these kinds of children; our older is 3.5 and the younger 7 months now. The only way we got through was bedsharing. At some point when my older son was very young I woke up to the sound of him screaming and walked out of the bedroom to find him on top of my unrousable husband, who had fallen asleep holding him on the couch. My husband didn’t wake up until after I took our son out of his arms. That’s when I decided to bedshare and looked up resources for how to do it as safely as possible. At a certain point, I came to believe, it’s safer to bedshare than to be chronically, severely sleep-deprived. 
 

I understand, though, that this is not a choice others are comfortable with, and I get that. 
 

My younger son is much more easygoing in general than the older, though he too would only sleep while held for the first few months. Among other things, he had a really strong and long-lasting startle reflex, and it was basically impossible to put him down without triggering the reflex. So I bedshared with him too—I still do sometimes, but we did start formal sleep-training a month or two ago, and it has helped quite a bit. Now the baby will go down for a few hours at night, and has learned to put himself to sleep. Because of illness and travel, we haven’t been able to push him much more than that, but even just having a few hours is wonderful. (FWIW, my older son did not respond to sleep-training basically at all and does still require help sleeping, so the results are not guaranteed in my opinion, though few people really believe that we didn’t just do it “wrong.”)

I guess all that to say, it is really hard, but you are probably rather close to the point where you can try to sleep-train, and usually that does help at least somewhat. Good luck to you. I know all too well how hard it is.

Sleep is hard and you're in survival mode. Totally normal to need to be carried/held for naps and to be put down to sleep at night totally asleep or needing additional patting/rocking in the crib. We loved the book Precious Little Sleep to help us learn about helping our first baby sleep. Now with twins we did formal sleep training (note that crying it out is just ONE method for sleep training. There are gentler sleep training methods but all involve some crying). The guidance is to start sleep training 16 weeks past the due date (so adjust if your baby was born late/early).

Not sure what you're following for wake windows. Our twins sleep training group recommends 60-75 minute at your baby's age (aim for the lower number). That's not much more than eating, diaper change, and a few minutes of cuddles/play.

I’m also sorry you’re going through this. We have a 3.5 month old and daytime naps were really hard (her eyes would fly open every time I laid her down). But right at about 12 weeks we started using the Baby Merlin’s Magic Sleepsuit and her sleep improved significantly (it’s like a little cocoon). It’s seriously magic. We put it on before every nap to signal that it’s time for sleep. And eventually we’ll use it to help her transition from bassinet to crib. I started out rocking her to sleep in it before laying her down to nap. But after a couple weeks I was able to lay her down drowsy and then fully awake, and she’s able to fall and stay asleep. I hope this helps! 

(I’d also get blackout curtains if you haven’t already!)

We had this issue with our child, and it was scary to have him sleeping on us overnight. Anytime we tried to put him down on his back asleep, he would wake up within 10 minutes. After talking with a friend about it, she told me she had this issue with one of her kids and had him sleep on his stomach. I started doing that in the daytime just for naps and watched him while he slept on his stomach (he was fine). I nervously asked our pediatrician about stomach-sleeping and was surprised we were given the go ahead (around six weeks of age), but he was healthy and there were no risk-factors for SIDS. If you search on the BPN archives, you will see many posts about stomach-sleeping. I felt like this was our "dirty little secret" at the time, but it was a complete game changer for us. In retrospect, putting him to sleep on his stomach was probably a lot safer than having him sleep on us. Maybe have a chat with your pediatrician if this is something you want to consider.

What you are describing sounds so hard but I believe it’s actually very normal. We went through the same thing with our daughter early on and really struggled with it. What helped was learning about safe bedsharing (Safe Sleep Seven from La Leche League and James McKenna’s book) and techniques like Kangaroo Mother Care. Sleep training never felt right for our family so I just want to let you know there are other resources out there to get more sleep. If you are on Instagram, @heysleepybaby, @cosleepy, @motherbabysleep, and @restinginmotherhood have lots of free info as well. Take care!

First, I just want to mention that there wouldn't be so many books about infant sleep, and so many opinions if there was one thing that would work for all families. It sounds like you are doing everything you can, and you say that he's a happy baby otherwise, so he's getting enough rest (even if you and your partner are not.) Given the medical issues you mentioned, there might be something going on that makes it harder for your child to sleep. Ours was born a bit prematurely, and had some digestive issues, and mostly did need to sleep on someone's chest for the first few weeks. We did a bassinet next to the bed which made it easier to doze/sleep and notice if there was sleep apnea. We also did end up sharing a bed in the interest of everyone's sleep. In terms of safe sleep, there are ways to do it to make it relatively safe. The situations where people run into problems is co-sleeping when the parents use drugs or alcohol. The early months feel like an eternity when you are sleep deprived, but in the end, pretty much whatever the parents do, almost all children learn to sleep.

One suggestion is the Snoo crib. You can keep swaddling even though your baby is rolling because the Snoo swaddle holds them in place on their back. It's basically a little zip up sleep sack with a velcro fold to swaddle the arms, and then you hook the whole thing into the the Snoo so they can't roll. They are expensive, but we got one used on craigslist for half the price, or you can rent them through the company. It basically mimics the feeling of being in the womb by gently swaying or jiggling depending on how upset the baby sounds and increasing the white noise level also. We liked ours a lot because you have the peace of mind that the baby is safe and not going to roll. 

I have been there! First, a big hug to you! You must be exhausted and it is going to be ok, I promise. Our 1st child was exactly the same, I don't even think they ever made it to 24 minutes in their crib. What will work for everyone is different, but what worked for us was co-sleeping. I know you said you don't want to, but why not give it a try? We made a space in between us up at the pillow level, and I would lay down with them in that spot, my arm on them, and then they fell asleep and I could move my arm. Then I would fall asleep next to them, and they stayed asleep all night from VERY early on. We co-slept for about 18 months before they transitioned into a toddler bed when # 2 came along and it was totally fine. FWIW, #2 did NOT like to co-sleep and was fine in their crib from the beginning. Each kid is different!! Good luck finding what works for you - it will happen, I promise! It feels like it will be this way forever, but 'this too shall pass' has been my parenting mantra and you know what? It's true! Best to you! 

Hi Mama! I have a baby (now 25 months old) like this. I hear how hard and surprising it is to have a baby that will only contact sleep! These early days take so much out of you and reveal so much hidden strength. You’re doing it! 
 

While our culture views this as strange and challenging (a big disservice to new parents!) this is really normal infant sleep stuff. You are not doing anything wrong. He is not a hard baby. Babies are hard wired to want constant closeness to parents. To nurse/ feed often. To seek your warmth and comfort. Yours is very good at advocating for himself! 
 

We are all different with different needs. And there are a lot of good reasons to make different choices around sleep as you see what your whole family’s needs are, as maternity leave shifts, as you navigate work. For me, embracing safe co-sleeping allowed me to attend to my baby in the way that she needed and get maximum rest. Dr. James McKenna wrote a great book on the topic called “Safe Infant Sleep” if you want to explore further. 
 

Know this will change as he gets older and it is an enormous gift to allow your baby to feel safe and held in these early days. 
 

I’m including my name if you want to reach out and chat further. You’re doing great. 

Similar boat to the prior person who responded!

Our baby is now 19months and we wish we would have done more aggressive sleep training before he was 1. Definitely wait until your baby is four months or of a certain weight (is it 11 or 13lbs?) before attempting this. It's super hard to not sleep! You are NOT alone. For those early weeks, I used a mybreastfriend nursing pillow and propped it up from underneath (more blankets and pillows etc) and all around myself so baby wouldn't fall off. I just sat in bed with the baby against me but resting on this nursing pillow which also gave my arms a place to secure our baby from rolling if I accidentally dosed. It totally sucked and was stressful, but I had peace of mind to relax a little more because that nursing pillow is pretty firm and flat. Also, a red light is helpful! It doesn't disrupt sleep at all but will spare you from feeling like you're in solitary confinement sitting in a dark room.  Baby breathing and heart concerns can definitely benefit from skin to skin, so there will be positive things from you holding your baby while he sleeps despite how challenging it is right now!

Once you do sleep train, the most critical part will be the initial "going to sleep" and laying them down. The start of naps and bedtime- drowsy or awake. My husband and I wish we had been way more aggressive about this but it is hard when they nurse at night and fall asleep on you while feeding. Currently our baby (or toddler I guess?) is throwing horrendous tantrums because we wont hold him so he can fall sleep but that practice has incited behavioral insomnia for him and often times I only get 1-3hrs of sleep at night. Learning to fall asleep is definitly a learned skill. You don't want your baby rolling over, waking up a little and deciding to be awake for 2-5 hours while you try rocking them to sleep again. SOOOO now we are doing insane sleep training which is brutal. BRUTAL!!!

Hang in there! When the time comes to sleep train, put them down drowsy, stick to it and you'll be in great shape and thankful you did. I wish I'd followed that advice as a new mom! We are certainly paying for it now. Until then, I know it is super hard to sit up, awake for extended hours, but your baby will benefit from it and this will be a distant memory!

I'm so sorry you are having such a struggle with this!  The majority of newborns do sleep best when in physical contact with mom, or another loving caregiver, and need parental support and attention to fall asleep and stay asleep for long, but in most cases they don't need to be literally held in arms only in order to sleep.  It sounds to me like the root of the problem is the assumption that a crib is the only place your baby should sleep.  Sleeping alone in a crib is simply not something that human babies are wired to do, and I promise, you will all be happier and heathier if you can give up on the notion that a crib is safer than bedsharing. There are safe and unsafe ways to use a crib, and there are safe and unsafe ways to bedshare.  A baby with breathing and heart concerns, who is at a higher risk of SIDS and *should* wake frequently, is likely safest sleeping very close to a responsive parent, ideally the baby's breastfeeding mother.  And statistically, co-sleeping mothers sleep better than mothers whose babies are put down in a crib, too!  I promise you, it does not last forever and "sleep training" is not a required obligation of parenthood.  Babies do grow into big kids who don't need you to stay at their side until they're sound asleep, and then into young adults with their own apartments where they manage their own bedtime rituals just fine!  (My own kids are now 18 and 22. Neither ever 'cried it out', we adjusted bedtime and naptime routines at various times to meet their needs without undue burden on the rest of the family, and both developed healthy independent sleep habits gradually, just as they gradually developed other healthy independence around hygiene and feeding themselves.)  Also, you said that your baby does not sleep in a wrap, but only held in arms, and that's probably something you can change.  A wrap or other soft baby carrier should mimic in-arms carrying well enough to allow your baby to sleep the same way, and some adjustment to how you're wearing the wrap may solve that problem. Check out Bay Area Babywearing's free meetings with volunteer educators!  After a long pandemic hiatus, we're back; Berkeley meetings are now the 3rd Sunday of each month at Walden School.  "Wrap naps" are a wonderfully convenient thing! My own babies always napped in a sling, or later in a meh dai or SSC on my back, and my younger kid (who confounded us by rarely falling asleep nursing) was also routinely put to sleep at night by her dad walking around the block with her in a carrier (while mom read bedtime stories to the elder child).  It worked, and again...it wasn't forever.   The good news for you is that most babies develop a more consistent sleep routine and associations somewhere around 12 weeks, so you're almost there, and this is a great time to figure out what kind of supports you want to encourage - a "lovey", white noise, etc. should work much better soon than they have so far. It can be a slow process though, so you will get much faster relief and everyone will get better sleep if you set up your home and routines to lie down next to your baby at night. :)   Best of luck to you!

First, I feel for you and am so sorry you’re going through this!! I am curious/it might be worth re-considering the strict “sleep safe” rules. Of course that is ideal, but it isn’t always real world. I recall feeling the pressure to follow all the rules and was glad to have a pediatrician who was also a parent and said be as safe as you can while doing what you need to survive this period (which won’t last forever). If you can afford a night nanny, even once a week, that would allow you to continue safe sleeping habits, but the night nanny holds him during sleep so you both get some rest. Both of our kids started out sleeping on us at night (because that’s all they would do) and then both transitioned to the snuggle me in the bassinet. It makes them feel held and snuggled. We have one if you want to try before you buy! Our daughter used the snuggle me alone and our son we used the Ollie wrap in combination with the snuggle me. Also we didn’t use the snoo, felt too expensive, but if you think it would help, you can rent them (baby quip) again to try it before spending all that money! Sending you good vibes. This sounds so rough and I hope it gets better soon.

I noticed your baby is rolling. Back to front or front to back? If baby isn’t rolling back to front (11 weeks would be really young to be able to do that) you could try the Merlin Magic suit. Also makes them feel held without holding. Didn’t work for our daughter but did for our son. Again, I have some if you want to try it before investing in a new one.

Have you looked into sleep coaching programs? I haven't tried it but I've looked into Batelle Sleep School, which is an online program that promises to get your little one sleeping well in under 2 weeks. All the feedback I've seen online has been super positive. It's expensive at $1500 for the class but I think they provide support for you until your child is 6 years old. I'm not sure what the minimum age is though but it says 0-6 years on their website. Might be worth a shot for you if you are at the end of your wits!

I know hard this is! My gosh! I'm sorry. My son was exactly the same way. I held him for the first 5 months or so staying awake from 1am to 7am everyday. He was never, and is still not a good sleeper. But I really feel like with some things, you just get who you get. I don't believe in crying it out but that is a personal decision. I am a single parent too so it was really hard cuz there was no one to help me and I'm the sole breadwinner. Parenting is hard! But it has gotten better. You're not alone. 

I would seek out bodywork for baby--cranial sacral therapy or osteopathy or acupressure. I would look into reflux and airway sleep issues. The Merlin sleep suit can be helpful if you haven't tried that.

Oh, I feel for you!  First of all, congratulations for making it through 11 weeks.  When I had my baby and told our pediatrician about this at our ONE week checkup, she said "that is not sustainable" and recommended we get the Snoo.  We rented the Snoo from rents4baby (much less hassle than buying it and trying to re-sell) and it did not solve the problem, but allowed us to get a little more sleep and basically survive until we did cry-it-out sleep training.  We started sleep training around 16/17 weeks and it was successful by 19 weeks.  I would suggest talking to the pediatrician about your child's specific possible health issue(s) and if they think there is a *medical* reason to not cry it out once the baby is just a bit older.  What I mean is, your pediatrician might not "recommend" cry-it-out sleep training, but they should be able to talk to you about if there are any specific reasons regarding your baby, or if it's just their general thinking.  We worked with a sleep consultant and she said 16 weeks is the ideal time to start sleep training for most babies, but of course if there are medical concerns it might be different.  My mental and physical health improved so much after we got our daughter to sleep independently in her crib.  That was two years ago and she is really thriving, and loves her sleep.  Btw, the sleep consult was really there to help the us, the parents, get through sleep training - I needed some reassurance that we would get through it.  Another resource that was super helpful was the Facebook group Respectful Sleep Training/Learning.  In summary, I agree with the first commenter - you just need to get through a few more weeks and you'll be on to the next phase.  

That's so hard! My baby needed to be held/bounced for naps but we had a night doula for the first month. She instilled the habit of baby going into the crib for night sleep, so that was a great starting point for us. My baby also did not sleep in the stroller or the car, and actually was a terrible sleeper until she learned to do it independently. (She actually sleeps more now at nearly 19 months than she did when she was a newborn...)

I highly recommend the book Precious Little Sleep, as well as the associated Facebook group if you don't have the mental wherewithal to read an entire book right now. The group can give you tips if you give them wake time and bedtime, wake windows, and bedtime routine. I've definitely seen posts from parents exactly in your situation. IIRC the general tips are to put them down completely awake (no nursing to sleep here!), then pat them on the chest until they fall asleep. The next night, pat them less. It's not quite so simple IRL, but the idea is to replicate a bit of the movement while also giving them some space to learn how to sleep on their own. This is what I did for my baby's contact naps, and she was taking most of her naps in the crib by herself about a week later. The first time I did the patting, she screamed in my face for an hour, and slept for 20 minutes, hah. But it was better the next day already. (And then I learned she actually did better when I was out of the room entirely, so that got easier!)

I started trying some of the tips about wake windows and bedtime routines when my baby was 9 weeks old, and she took to it extremely well! To my utter surprise, she actually started sleeping through the night on her own with no feeds at 13.5 weeks. (I had expected to do night feeds for months.) She's never stopped sleeping through the night, no sleep regressions. I'm confident she can sleep on her own, so if she has trouble, I know it's time for a schedule change.

Best of luck! They're so little but they're capable of learning so much if you give them the space to do so.

For babies like yours you might want to try renting a snoo.  You're almost at the end of the point where you'd still be able to use it, but I've had a number of friends get some much needed relief from it.  You might also try looking at some of the advice in the book Precious Little Sleep.  My partner and I thought that was one of the better books we came across for sleep.

It's important to also know that you shouldn't blame yourself or think you're doing anything wrong, especially at 11 weeks.

Oh, gosh, this is so, so hard. I'm sorry, I know it feels like it will be this way forever. What you are going through is so common with infants this young; you're still in the 4th trimester! It's natural for newborns to want to be close to their caregivers. I know you said you want to avoid co-sleeping, but I would recommend looking at the "safe sleep 7". It is really common to co-sleep (most countries outside of the US do!), and you want to make sure you are doing so safely. I know you don't want to put your baby in an unsafe situation, so I highly, highly recommend learning how to sleep together safely.

It's not forever! Babies CAN and DO learn to self-soothe. You are in the trenches right now. It gets easier, I promise. I had a child who was similar, wanted to be held all the time. We co-slept until he was almost a year, and contact napped as much as possible. Once he turned a year, he transitioned to the crib and mostly sleeps through the night still at 2 years old. We chose not to sleep train, and he still developed the tools to help him sleep independently. All children are so different and change typically doesn't happen quickly, so please take care of yourself!

I'm sorry you're going through this, sounds so hard. As a mom of a 4 year old who has gone through lots of sleep deprivation, I feel you! 

Short term fix: Have you tried using a baby carrier or sling so you could at least fall asleep sitting up in a chair without fear of dropping him? 

For better long term advice I really recommend this facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/200052940710899/ We had and continue to have lots of sleep issues and I keep finding support and useful advice there. 

My child was like this - a very challenging situation that I've seen referred to as "barnacle babies." It's so difficult to balance safe sleep with sanity. First, just know you're not alone and you're not doing anything wrong. It sounds like you're doing all the right things in terms of trying to create a good sleep environment. My child also preferred to be held while sleeping. It's so difficult physically and mentally to be that sleep deprived.

What we did was rent a snoo. That helped with night sleep. The motion of the snoo seemed to help my child forget that they were no longer being held. We held our child for naps until 6 months old when we slowly started working on placing in the crib. It seemed by that age our child was more ready to nap in the crib. At 5 months old we hired a sleep consultant who basically walked us through Ferber. Unfortunately, it didn't work for us. Even the sleep consultant was surprised and said she didn't expect so much crying after weeks of sticking to the plan. If you are thinking of hiring a sleep consultant, make sure your sleep consultant is flexible and will tailor the plan to your baby. I felt ours did not do that and that's perhaps why it didn't work. For us, sleep training was a pretty painful process to end up with no results. Looking back, I wish we had hired a night nurse or doula to allow us to catch up on sleep and perhaps work with our baby on being put down for sleep. Once our baby become bigger, we started cosleeping (I was vehemently against the idea for safety reasons) and it has made a difference. Another thing that has helped has been to be prepared - when I'm going to put my child down to sleep I wear an air pod and listen to a podcast to keep me engaged. Sleep stuff is so hard and and there is so much judgment. Please know that you're the expert on your child and you're doing your absolute best! Feel free to message me if you want to chat further. 

This sounds so so hard. I wonder if there could be something going on that makes your baby uncomfortable when placed on his back? Something like reflux or muscle tension? I have found that doctors are sometimes really dismissive of sleep issues, but you could try pursuing a referral for evaluation through PT, craniosacral, or another specialist if your intuition tells you there could be something there. 

Absolutely no judgement if you ultimately decide that sleep training is right for your child and your family. But there is a lot of misinformation out there, pushing the idea that sleep is a learned skill. It is possible to be responsive and supportive of your baby, while also setting realistic and developmentally appropriate boundaries. And those boundaries can change as your child gets older, just as they will in other areas of your child's life! No study has shown a correlation between older children or adults' sleep quality/independence and whether they were sleep trained. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, there are things you can do to work toward more independent sleep. If you're on Instagram, I highly recommend @heysleepybaby and @paulamoralesmcdowell. To address your worry about falling asleep with your baby - that is so real! That's why learning about safe cosleeping can be really important and empowering. For that, I'd check out @candacestjohn.mph and @cosleepy.

Sending love and support for this challenging season that you're in!

I was given the book Sweet Sleep, published by La Leche League international, and found it very reassuring. It is well researched, covers a lot of sleep issues and challenges, and it helped me feel comfortable with our choice to bedshare. I've also read reviews for Safe Infant Sleep which seems like another good one. The basic message is that it's totally normal for a baby to want to sleep on his mom-- you are his source of comfort and basic survival-- and it can be done safely with a few common-sense precautions. The US is an outlier in the no co-sleeping recommendation. My 8-month old still only sleeps on a person (in the ergo carrier) or in the stroller or carseat (I have occasionally tried to see if I can set him down or sneak away, and he usually wakes within 5 minutes) but it's not a problem for us. I do look forward to independent sleep some day, but I get plenty of sleep with my baby in bed with me.

Co-sleeping sounds like it may be out of the question for you, but one of the points made in Sweet Sleep is that when an exhausted parent falls asleep with their baby by accident, because they are trying to follow the no bed-sharing rules and sit up awake with their sleeping child, that is actually far more dangerous than intentionally sleeping with your baby. You could end up dropping him, or sleeping on an unsafe surface where there are suffocation hazards. Even if you don't want to cosleep as a habit long-term, you might consider it as a necessary emergency compromise, and make sure you do it safely.

This seems like quite a struggle I can't even imagine. Though it seems like you have tried everything I thought I'd throw out a couple more ideas. A friend who has 4 kids visited to help me for week when ours was a couple weeks old and helped us realize she was too cold. We kept adding layers and eventually she now sleeps solidly. She wears socks, 2 cotton onesies, and a 3.0 sleep sack, and uses a pacifier. The room is about 67deg for reference so it's way more clothing than suggested by charts but take one layer off and she will fuss the entire night.

Another controversial suggestion is to consider researching how to bedshare safely and go that route. It's the norm in many other cultures just not here in the US. We just moved from Europe and it is much more common and less shamed there, and I know it's the norm in many Asian cultures. From what you describe is happening, it may be the more sustainable and safer option for everyone. 

It is incredibly hard and you have to find what works for you. We swaddled and co-slept (which can be done safely), and sounds like it may not work for you, but we wore our baby in a Moby and bounced (taking turns so one of us could sleep). Also used a night doula for a short while. We never used a crib and don't regret it. We also never sleep trained. Our child is much older now, and we are still glad we did what we did because she had biological issues we weren't aware of then and she would have had a very hard time, unreasonably hard, with sleep training or any kind of forced separation. Still, all families are different and you have to do what works for you. There's plenty of time to learn to self-soothe.

I highly recommend sleep training, which we started when our kid was 12 weeks old! We use Sleep Wise Consulting, who helped with an individualized sleep plan and coach. Our kid still sleeps 12+ hours a night, and took excellent naps. Best money we've spent as parents. Good luck!  https://www.sleepwiseconsulting.com/

This is so hard, but it gets better. Our son was exactly the same, wouldn't sleep alone and we tried everything. The one thing that kinda of helped for night sleeping was we got a travel pack and play with a zip window. We put him in there with the window unzipped, one of us would lay next to him till he fell asleep then after about an hour we could zip up the window and get a few hours of sleep alone. I know it doesn't seem like it now but you'll look back years later and appreciate all the extra cuddle time you had.