Gift-Giving for Teen Birthdays
Parent Q&A
Archived Q&A and Reviews
Guests who don't bring gifts to teens' parties
May 2009
To piggyback on the thank you note debate, what happened to gift giving? Both my daughters had nice 16th birthday parties and one had a high school graduation party last year, and some of their friends showed up empty handed. Not only that, but the ones that did not bring gifts also made one or two large plates of food to take home without asking.
These girls attend a private school and have extremely well to do parents (so finances are not the issue). Yes, of course I celebrated out of my happiness and because I'm proud of my girls, the parties were not planned to collect gifts, and so OK with teenagers you can chalk it up to them being teenagers (although many of them were dropped of by a parent and you would think the parent would ask about the gift and teach better manners), but what about adults? When I bought my first home a couple of years ago, the majority of my friends did not bring a house warming gift the first time they visited (specifically to see the house), granted I did not have a house warming party.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about extragavant expensive gifts, what I mean is a small token of something, a plant, a pair of earrings, something homemade, just something to show you share in the special occasion. My daughters took gifts with them regardless if they had received a gift from any specific person or not. They also sent money to their friends even if they could not attend the graduation parties. We are not very well off, so we give gifts that we can afford and not to impress. I always take a small gift if going to someones house for the first time or when invited to dinner at someones house (this does not apply to close friends).
Recently, I visited my aunt (a distant relative, but someone I'm close to) who was here from out of state and staying at her son's house. The son and his wife had recently bought a house and had a one week old baby. When I went, I took a house warming gift, as well as a gift for the new baby. I don't know the son very well (last saw them at their wedding). Did I go overboard on the gifts?
I teach my daughters that we are happy these people attended and the gift is not important (I got the impression that some of the teenagers came for the food), but it just puzzles me all the same......... Am I just old fashioned? I guess what I'm asking is, what is the etiquette for gift giving?
It's the thought that counts
I don't think your ''cause'' is on the level of the thank you note issue. I think we all agree that a thank-you for a gift is always required but I'm pretty sure Miss Manners says a gift is NEVER required. Of course, there are traditions. I thought that kids'/teens' birthdays still got gifts but maybe these excellent East Bay children were all brought up with ''no gifts please''/book exchange/donate-to-buy-a-heifer birthday parties. Maybe since you are a grown-up person who already lived in a house before, your friends felt that you did not need ''housewarming'' presents, much like people don't get a shower for a 2nd kid or receive dishes for a 2nd wedding. At the same time, your gifts are very nice and not over the top. I think so many people have expressed or heard expressed the idea that they have too much stuff, that they are holding off on gifts just for the sake of giving a gift. anon
I think you are asking a lot, especially of teenagers....Most teenagers think of a party as ''Come over to my house to hang out,'' not ''My parents are hosting a party for me, would you like to attend?'' This is true especially for graduation parties, since they may attend 4 or 5, many on the same day. And, yes, most of them do come for the food.
I would usually bring a gift to a new house but I would not expect it from others. I couldn't tell you whether someone brought a gift to a party or not....I just don't pay very much attention.
It seems like you are doing a bit of score-keeping.....Maybe if you let yourself slide on a few events you might feel better about the rest of us when we do it, too! casual gifter
Gift-giving is not passe, rather, many children are not being raised with proper manners. Heck a small bunch of flowers, a handmade card, anything, is better than just showing up to chow down on free food. I totally agree that a small token of any sort is appropriate. It should never be expected, as you note. It sounds overall as if some of your daughter's classmates are just plain rude, and that is a big part of your question about gift giving. Who goes to someone else's party and takes home plates of food without it being offered? You are also well within your rights to ask them to please leave the food where it is (or stop them from whatever boorish behavior they are exhibiting).
Of course, in the end result, you should respect how your daughter feels about her friends and give her the appropriate guidelines as to how she should behave. -Anon
On the one hand, I do think it is nice to take host/hostess gifts when I go to dinner at someone's house or a baby gift when there is a new baby.
On the other hand, I never expect people to bring me gifts for any occasion and it wouldn't occur to me to keep track of who had brought or not brought gifts.
My big pet peeve is with people who send wedding or other invitations with a card informing me where they are registered. If I want to send a gift, I will ask.
Let it go
I, for one, am glad that gift-giving in the situations you describe is becoming less common. At both my bridal and baby shower I asked specifically that no gifts be brought. I have been recently invited to several children's first birthday parties in which the host requested that no gifts be given. (Of course, in each case the child's family gave him gifts, so it's not like he didn't get anything). But to give a gift to each of the children whose b-day parties I've been invited to recently would be a financial drain. And think about what kinds of gifts people give for housewarming parties or graduation gifts: usually stuff that the other person probably doesn't need. For economic and environmental reasons, I think it's great that we learn how to express our affection and strengthen our social ties in other, non-material ways. T.
Personally, I wish there was less gift-giving! I know gifts are well-intentioned, and thoughtful, but I would prefer not to get any. I spent far too much time trying to get rid of stuff I already own. Especially for housewarming, when I've just moved in and am still trying to figure out where to put everything.. the last thing I want is more! I don't understand the point of a card that someone has spent $4.95 to buy and just written their name on, which I will then send to the landfill in a week. (Handmade cards from kids, however, I cherish.) In terms of giving gifts, I hate spending time & energy to give something simply for the sake of giving something. So I really try to minimize gift-giving and getting, and when I do give a gift, I try to make it something consumable, like candy, a gourmet food item, or wine.
My daughter is a very social 16 yr old. She has lots of good friends and it seems like it is always someone's birthday. Her group of friends (albany high school) rarely give gifts to their friends for their birthdays. They often bake cupcakes or chip in to buy flowers for someone but that is about it. I think the reason for this is 1) teenagers are not very organized or forward planning 2) many of her friends don't have much money. Just my 2 cents. mom of teenager
You are right. Giving a gift is required on certain occasions, and many people just blow it off. It's rude. Attending a birthday party that you've been invited to and not bringing ANYTHING (a gift, a special card, a bottle of wine...) is just rude and wrong. I am in the exact same boat as you. I always bring a gift when going to a housewarming, whether it's a party or not. I give gifts to new babies and their parents. It's just good manners. Manners are falling by the wayside these days, unfortunately, and it's becoming socially acceptable to not give gifts on these special occasions. Listen up, parents--teach your children manners! Write thank you notes! Give a gift if the occasion demands it! A card costs $3.00 (less at the Dollar Store--stock up!), and writing something personal inside is free. Don't go empty handed!!! Ok, off the soapbox now... Berkeley mom of 3
If I may ask, what are your relationships like with the girls and the parents who you feel a bit peeved about? In my experience, relationships are ten times more important than gifts or how much food one takes from a party.
My advice is develop a relationship with every girl and her mom. Reach out to them through the phone and shared events. You will get to know them on a personal level and understand their styles.
Not everyone is into gifts, but they may still have lots to offer. If you develop a multi-dimensional view of people you will understand them much better and that will lead to better relationships all around. A
I was kind of fascinated by this post because we have a kid who is similar, and has an LD (not ADHD). Does your kid have issues with time? Like, they have a hard time understanding the passing of time? (for example, they may say a movie lasts 25 minutes, or are always late for things). Our kid has something called 'time blindness' or dyschronometria and it's more common in kids with LD. Here's an interesting article about it: Time Blindness and ADHD - Focus: The Online Adult ADHD Magazine (focusmag.uk) We found our kid had a hard time projecting into the future (like, what would you like to do THEN - in the future) similar to what you describe. Hope this might be helpful!
My college-aged child never wanted to provide gift lists either. I wouldn't worry about it. I don't like giving people gift ideas either. I like to be surprised.
We have one kid who always has an itemized birthday list, and one who never has anything on their wish list. (Kids are the same gender and close in age.) Interestingly, though, ours are reversed--the itemized list kid is the one who is on the edge of being neuro-diverse and the no-list kid is pretty neuro-typical. For the no-list kid, we usually suggest some experiences and they choose one of those, and seem perfectly content with that. In the past we've done day trips to Santa Cruz, camping weekends, trips to special restaurants, trips to the arcade, and the like. For family gifts we usually suggest they give books they think the child might enjoy, magazine subscriptions, lessons in something, or activity crates. Sometimes they also send restaurant gift certificates, which are popular. For whatever reason, that particular child is just less materially focused. I actually find it refreshing since our older kid often starts the list for the next year the day afterwards!
My daughter is just like this, but she also can't walk in to a store and shop for clothes or anything really without being guided. She's 16 and has ADHD. Her executive functioning is non existent at times. we really started to notice this around puberty. She also has trouble finding things to eat and choosing things to do.
Hi - I can see how this might be indicative of some kind of neurological issue, but just for another perspective ... My son has always been like this. He's 17 now and he can never think of things he wants for birthdays or Christmas. When he was little he would SEE Lego or something in a store and beg for it, or he'd be at a friend's house and see an ad on TV (we only had Roku, so no toy ads) and beg, but other than that he *never* could make a list or think of a single thing. We are not at all wealthy and he for sure does not have everything. This past Xmas he asked for a new pair of jeans. That was it. He has no learning challenges and is a high achiever academically/sports, so I always just thought he's just not a very acquisitive guy. Parents have to get very creative! I mention this because I have noticed that friends who have kids with some neuro difference often attribute personality quirks to a diagnosable issue, vs just - it's a personality thing. Something you could consider at 13 is giving a bit more allowance and offering ways for her to earn money - and suggest she buys things she wants. We did this with our son and he now will buy things he really wants - like he just bought a surfboard. It focuses them more and they get REALLY proud of their ability to save, plan and make major purchases. When he bought his first pair of skis (first that HE bought, age 15) he was over the moon about the purchase, more than the actual skis. It's a mind shift.
If this was my child, I would gift her an experience (ie a day at the beach or an amusement park or tickets to a magic show or a musical). There doesn’t seem to me to be any reason to push her to want physical things if she doesn’t feel she needs them. Maybe she really is content with what she has - something most adults in our current society haven’t figured out, so good for her! 👍
My son just turned 12 and he was also completely unable to come up with a list. I can’t speak to ADHD but I wonder if it’s just the age? My son outgrew the obvious gifts like toys and Legos, and even I have trouble thinking of present ideas. What I did was I googled “Gifts for 12 year olds” and also brainstormed a few ideas, and I gave him some suggestions and he chose a gift from MY list. Actually after he saw what I suggested he came up with some good ideas of his own, and we ended up with a gift that was a good fit for him. Funny thing is his relatives also couldn’t think of anything appropriate for a 12 year old boy and also struggled with his present. It’s a difficult age to shop for! A friend of mine has skipped presents altogether for her child; together they pick a charity and they donate to a good cause, so that might be an idea also.
My daughter and I are both the same way and I don't think it indicates anything abnormal. For us, it's more that things we like tend to be very specific and/or subjective, and it's hard to give someone a category (e.g., "earrings") because it can go so wrong and you don't want to hurt someone's feelings if you don't like what they picked out. Our daughter also just doesn't like acquiring a lot of stuff.
If that doesn't sound like what's going on (i.e., she literally can't think of anything at all), maybe come up with a list of possibilities, including experiential things she might enjoy, and see how she responds.
Either way, I don't think anything's wrong, or that it's related to ADHD (which our 16-year old daughter has as well). Some people are just not consumer/product oriented, which is really a blessing if that's the case!
What does it mean? In my experience, it means she is content, it is not a flaw or disability related. This describes me my whole teen and adult life, once I moved beyond wanting toys, there was nothing else I really wanted as long as my basic needs were met. It is OK to be content, please let her be confident that not wanting anything is fine. Perhaps ask her to think of an experience or activity, such as kayaking, an escape room, trip to the Monterey Aquarium or Santa Cruz Boardwalk, an A's game, or a special meal and homemade cake, rather than "things."
In our family of four, two of us (including the one with diagnosed ADHD) enjoy birthday lists and two of us do not. (I am one of the latter.) For the two of us who have trouble with birthday lists, I'd say it's some varying combination of not liking to make decisions, feeling guilt around material things, liking to be surprised, feeling awkward around receiving gifts, feeling pressured to come up with something (appropriate) to ask for, etc. I too think it's an interesting question, but I don't know that you can necessarily read anything into your daughter's disinclination to come up with a list.
I have had this issue for years! What we've done is pivoted to experiences, especially with grandparents. A shopping trip where they can find things on the spot, or a play or musical theater. A couple times when they couldn't think of anything we have just contributed to a college fund. It can help also to make a list of their interests, then talk about what items support those interests. Good luck! It can be hard when purchasing without guidance, even for family you know well.
Hi there,
I can only speak from my own experience, but my 13-year-old (who is neurotypical) also can't make a birthday list. In my kid's case, I think it's about just not being as interested in "stuff" as when they were younger and into toys. At this age, social life tends to become so much more important, and interests can change much more quickly, reflecting what's going on with peers. My teen is just interested in hanging out with friends (and shopping with them, looking for fun finds), rather than taking keen interests in more specific things or activities.
At this point, my kid appreciates getting money or gift cards as presents, so they can go looking for things they might like. They don't even want planned birthday parties anymore; they'd rather just invite friends over to walk to boba and hang out, playing video games.
Hope this is helpful!
I,too, could have written your post. My daughter, also 13, has never really wanted things (or experiences for that matter) either. When she was young, I kinda loved it because we could walk through the minefield that is a toy or candy isle unscathed. But it began to concern me early in elementary school, when for a treat, I took her an her older sister (both avid readers) to a book store. She could not pick out a single book. In the meantime her sister selected 3 or 4 that she wanted. No amount of time or coaxing helped. Same in a toy store or clothing store. It honestly really worried me: is it depression, anxiety, family dynamics, something else? Eventually we had her tested (not because of this) and she too has ADHD inattentive type (although so do I and I've always wanted things and experiences probably to too great an extent) as well as mild depression and moderate anxiety.
I don't really have anything to offer, except that your daughter is not alone. The upshot of it is that when she does express a want (Japanese food, a Minecraft pick ax, Babbel) as long as it doesn't totally conflict with our family values, we make it happen.
You said your daughter is about to turn 13. When my kids got into their teens, we started a new birthday tradition that we still practice, and they are in their 30's now: family dinner at the restaurant of their choice (with best friend or significant other), plus a birthday check equal to $10 x how many years old they are. We all enjoy going out for dinner and celebrating together. Our kids sometimes pick a restaurant we've never heard of or wouldn't visit on our own, so it's fun for all.
Teens are so particular about what they like. If they aren't asking for something specific in the weeks before their birthday, just give them cash!
This resonated with me, as someone with inattentive ADHD. Here are some pieces of executive dysfunction that this could be related to:
1. Difficulty with prioritization and planning in general. Causes overwhelm, can’t think about how / where to start.
2. Perfectionism and analysis paralysis. Can get caught up in analyzing and overthinking decisions, worried that choosing one could mean choosing wrong.
3. Impaired working memory (how we process / use / remember information on a daily basis) and out of sight, out of mind: If it’s not something I am actively focused on, it is hard for me to recall it.
ADHD presents in different ways and the above may not feel relevant to your teen. But if it does, then it could be helpful to investigate how ADHD may be affecting her life beyond the pieces that led you to the diagnosis. Currently it’s a low-stakes birthday, but soon it’ll be picking a college / major / job, and making small + big life decisions on her own without the scaffolding she’s used to.
I had a late-in-life diagnosis, and it’s been a revelation to understand why certain things have consistently felt so hard to me when they looked easy for others… and why that’s not a character flaw. Good luck!