Parenting an Adopted Teen or Preteen

Parent Q&A

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  • Our 12 year-old, adopted at birth, is coming home with us today after having a very traumatic experience within a Wilderness Therapy Program in GA. The only silver linings regarding his time there: A) He was finally able to start talking about his big, complicated, painful feelings around being adopted, and being a transracial adoptee living in a fairly homogenous, white community. B) He responded amazingly well to Brain Spotting. 

    He is a very bright kid who is challenged by his ADHD, anxiety, dyslexia, dygraphia, and dyscalculia. He doesn't do well in any of the schools we have tried- does well one-on-one. I hopeschooled him last year. 

    We are looking for resources!!

    1: A therapist for him that specializes in transracial adoption, trauma, and neurodivergence, who has experience with tweens. Trained in Brainspotting + EMDR a bonus.

    2: A therapist for us parents. (We have already tried so many.)

    3: A coach/ mentor specializing in behavioral challenges.

    4. A tutor who specializes in strong willed and neurodivergent teens/tweens who might spearhead his learning this fall.

    Any help would be much appreciated! ! !

    I hope you're already aware of the resources available through PACT? Our transracially adopted child receives therapy there and we are so grateful. Solidarity, and sending love and healing to your son.

    I'm not a therapist but I'm a POC and one the best suggestions I have would be to get him into a more diverse space where is able to connect with people who share his racial identity. On top of being adopted, he's living in an environment where it sounds like he might be one of few who shares his racial identity AND he's neurodivergent. EVen with therapy he's a child dealing with a lot. Just being raised in an all white environment is taxing for a person of color but having a support system who truly understands his plight and lived experiences is invaluable. Find people who look like your child and help him bond with those folks so he can get to know his racial community. It's important in his journey. I'm sure you'll be able to find support for the rest, but I suggest encouraging him to learn about his culture and race as a start. Good luck and I wish your family all the best!

    Hi, 

    I really recommend Jeffrey Lee in Castro Valley. 
    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/jeffrey-c-lee-castro-valley-ca/956863 

    First, hugs <3. You’re doing great and it’s so good that you’re looking for support. 

    I wish I had more to share, but I do want to share one resource called Happy Families, based in Australia. I took a great parent course about nurturing neurodiversity from them last year, but the have a lot of other resources you may find helpful. 

    https://happyfamilies.com.au/

    Good luck!🍀 

    Hi there.  I also am a parent of a transracial adoptee who is a few years ahead of you.  We have been through the reintegration home from residential care and the big search for appropriate schools given virtually the same list of learning differences.  Because I'm also a social worker who used to work in adoptions I keep a list of adoption competent therapists and am happy to share what and who has worked for our kid and family.  If my resources are not the right fit for you I know how to connect you with other adoptive parents who have been on the same path and have lots of other information.  Please feel free to contact me directly.

    Hi, 

    I highly recommend Susan Leksander as a therapist for you as parents. She has expertise in the challenges you are naming, and she is also deeply kind. 

    As an adopted person, I'm sending immense compassion to your son and your whole family. I hope you find the support you need. 

    Laura

    Hi, I am sorry your son had a traumatic experience in the wilderness on top of everything else.  Our adopted son also went to a wilderness program in Georgia.  He subsequently went to residential treatment (RTP). The therapist our son had when he returned is https://www.healthgrades.com/providers/alex-georgakopoulos-4ztmyto995  Our son also had difficulty learning in a conventional school setting.  We tried Tilden Prep where he had a one-on-one tutor, but he was unwilling to show up for that, even, and was sent away twice more to RTP.   I tried several interventions to help with our son's underlying issues, which include anxiety and AD/HD.  These that may have helped include: H.A.N.D.L.E. (Judith Bluestone founded), SHEN, S.O.I. (Vicki Bockenkamp), Family Constellation (Brigitta Essl, MD), Jin Shin Jyutsu (I learned enough to do this on him), amino acid precursors for brain function, chiropractic, osteopathy, allergen free diet, homeopathy, and probably a few others.   My ex also wanted to try ADHD meds, which we did for a year or so, without any good result.   I hope you can find a good path for your family.   

    I know a great homeschool teacher who works with neurodivergent students and families writing their curricula and teaching their classes. She also does school support consultations and school choice work for families looking to land in the right spot. I don’t believe she has a website but here is her LinkedIn and name! https://www.linkedin.com/in/emily-doman-0b4008124?utm_source=share&utm_…

    As the parent of an adopted child I understand. Some great resources can be found in Facebook groups. There are several that provide parent to parent feedback and advice. Specifically PostTx: Parents if kids home from wilderness and residential treatment; Bay Area Parents of Kids in Residential; Adoptive Oarents of Kids of Color; Parents of Adopted Kids in Residential Treatment. All of these have families whose kids have not had good experiences and/or have transitioned home and have a lot of resources. PACT is also great resource and they have teen support groups as well. 

    Personally I highly recommend not just a Therapist for you but a parent coach. We used Amanda Buckmann who was with Wonder (a transitional support organization ) but now has her own practice. As for a therapist I recommend Scott Weber LCSW in Albany. I highly recommend DBT therapy for teens. It focuses on the feelings but doesn’t require them to recount the details of their trauma which can be overwhelming at that age. It gives them lots of tools to use. Briana Aitkenhead in Kentfield is amazing with our teen. 

    As for school we sent our child to Fusion Academy Berkeley. They are not neurodivergent but do have a learning disability and school refusal. Our district laid the cast majority of it after a lot of struggle. It’s 1:1 and has great teachers. There are lots of neurodivergent students there who are extremely successful. They are 6-12th grades. Our child made up all her course work, excelled in her classes, had tutoring directly from her teachers and graduated with excellent grades and got into top universities though she may defer this year. 

    Definitely get in touch with PACT!

    First, a recommendation: Jonathan Pannor, LCSW, has deep experience working with adoptive families and is a father who adopted transracially. He's also one of the most compassionate, gentle people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I believe he practices through Kaiser in San Rafael.

    I'm neither an adoptee nor an adoptive parent, but I am biracial and grew up at a time when that was uncommon. I have a different take on finding racially based communities for POC than do many of the POC I know. In my life, I have found that there are many parts of my identity that are easier to connect through than the color of my skin. The way I talk, my vocabulary, my cultural references, my politics, my religion (I'm Jewish) are all signifiers. And not one of these things has anything to do with my skin color.

    I have absolutely dealt with racism. I've been followed in stores, had bags checked for shoplifted items, been denied service, been steered towards home-shopping in communities where, I've been told, I'll "be more comfortable." Despite these experiences -- and they were individual and painful experiences -- most of my family of choice, friends and the colleagues with whom I've been closest, have been white. What I have found is that they have been far more willing to accept me as I am than has been true for Black people. For Blacks there has often been a litmus test: identify as Black, not as biracial, embrace only part of your identity. I've never had that demand made by a white person, ever. No white person has ever accused me of "trying to be white" or being an oreo, something that happens regularly with other POC. When I was a doctoral candidate in a fairly small, very white program at Berkeley I chimed in a couple of times on the listserv for Black graduate students. I was accused of being a troll, because none of them knew me personally, and nobody Black would have my last name. While a law student at UCB I stood in front of two black students while they debated whether or not to give me access to the Black students' lounge, seeing as I was only "half black." And I've sat in my parent's dining room, listening to my sibling's friends talking, being utterly mystified by what they were talking about because I never learned to speak in the dialect of my neighborhood.

    I know that my experience is atypical.  What I mean to say is that simply acquiring a "Black community" for your son is unlikely to fix his sense of not belonging. He may get to know people who look more like him, but there is no guarantee that he'll share a culture with them. Despite our myths to the contrary, the U.S. is a complex quilt of communities within which we are fungible tokens who will just fit in anywhere we have at least one thing in common with others.

    I encourage you to think about the many ways you self-identify. We all contain multitudes, and different ones are emphasized depending on the circumstances. Could you to enroll your son in activities that interest him in settings that are socioeconomically, learning style, and racially diverse? Can your family find ways to interact with a more diverse community overall? It's not a fix, but it might help bridge some of the distance your son (and you?) is experiencing. For what it's worth, you are an amazing parent who is facing many challenges and rising to the challenges posed with humility, love, and a beautiful commitment to your son's well-being. We should all be so fortunate 

    Anonymous

    pactadopt.org    --  They offer a summer family camp, and other things.  My friends family went for several years.  

    I have nothing to offer ... except for thanking August 5 Anonymous for a very candid and honest post.  

    You may want to try a Willows in the Wind support group (zoom).  They offer two weekend meetings a month.  You may find parents in various stages of the residential treatment journey, or suggestions on how to get the school district to provide services to your child through the IEP process so that they can possibly remain at home.  Willows in the Wind also offers a workshop on transitioning home from treatment once or twice a year.

  • We are parents of an adopted 12 year old girl. Her behavior at home has gotten worse. We are having a lot of power struggles and need help figuring out the best way to take care of her so are not always fighting. We are looking for a therapist that knows a lot about adopted kids and who understands the adolescent mind. The therapist is for us not for our daughter.

    Laine Demetria, LMFT, helped me to understand how to parent my adopted teenage son. She herself has adopted children. You can reach her at  (510) 703-4766.

    Good luck!

    Hi I highly recommend Stacy Outten in Oakland. We spent over a year working with her (just my husband and me, our boys not willing to engage in therapy). She was hugely helpful in getting us on the same page and really holding us accountable. We’ve worked with lots of kind people but Stacy was the one who helped us make meaningful change. Highly recommend.

    Hi, I know it can be tough, I am also the parent of 2 adopted girls. One 7 and one almost 12.  I see Judy Benziger-Haynes, MSW (925-683-3274) in Lafayette to get parenting tips.  She is absolutely wonderful. And my younger daughter sees DR Maria Chiaia on College Avenue for play therapy. (510-654-3281) One of the best things that my older daughter did for 2 years was join a therapist lead arts and crafts group for adopted girls.  Unfortunately the therapist retired.  I would research to see if anyone else is doing this. 

    I have found non violent communication to be very helpful. Also attachment therapy (for myself to heal my own trauma issues triggered by my kid)  Pathways counseling at girls inc has helped us a lot too,  Kaiser a nightmare—avoid if possible. Hang in there! 

    My younger daughter attended two years of a group for adopted tweens run by Virgina Keeler-Wolfe who has tons of experience with adoption.

    My older adopted daughter is “easy” while my younger one is challenging. I also have friends and family with “difficult” teens born to them.  Don’t give up.

  • My daughter is 15, African American, and we, her parents, are two white women.  She is struggling with identity issues, currently attending a school in Oakland where the students and teachers are all people of color.  She feels 'wrong' everywhere she goes.  She is pretty sophisticated emotionally and is looking for some support and guidance, preferably from a woman of color, in navigating the treacherous waters of high school social life along with increasing her understanding who she is and who she wants to be.  Any suggestions would be most welcome.

    Here's a link to a group called Therapists of Color, which someone on BPN referred me to a while back: http://www.therapistsofcolor.org/directory.html  

    My 14 yo did two years in an international-biracial girls adoption group and got a lot out of it. Not sure if they are still going on. Facilitator is Virginia Keeler-Wolfe.

    Good luck; teen years are tough for everyone. 

    My daughter, also 15 and also adopted, sees a therapist named Marguerite Wilhite, who happens to be African American.   Because our daughter was adopted through the county she sees Marguerite through Alameda County Behavioral Health Care Services, however Marguerite also has a private practice.   She's great.    https://www.mwilhite.com/&nbsp;

    I don't have a therapist recommendation but highly recommend PACT as a great Oakland-based resource for transracial adoptive families. They have all sorts of support, and I am sure could help provide guidance: www.pactadopt.org

    PACT  for transracial adoptions.  They have summer camps for families and other resources.  I just know because our friends are in it.

  • hi, 

    my son is 11 and we are looking for a new psychiatrist, preferably in East Bay, but honestly....we will go wherever is necessary for quality help. He is adopted and had early life trauma and has been diagnosed with PTSD and RAD....but he also has a load of potential. We need someone who understands this background. 

    Thanks for any any help in advance! 

    I would recommend Sveta Laleva. Not a psychiatrist, but an MFT w/ trauma training who is really great w/ kids (she's my 11-year-old son's therapist and he makes sure to remind us when his appointments are because he loves them).

    http://www.lindseyantin.com/about-us/tsveta/

    Does your insurance allow you to go to Children's Hospital in Oakland?  They have the Center for the Vulnerable Child on Claremont Ave.  This is where my son (also joined our family by adoption) gets his psychiatric care, and it seems to be high quality.

    The top psychologist for adopted kids in the East Bay is Virginia Keeler Wolf, Her whole practice is based on adopted kids and the issues they face. Her number is 510-339-9363

    For parent and family support I recommend the Attachment-Trauma Network, attachmenttraumanetwork.org. It is quite a struggle finding services, especially with education. We have used a combination of therapeutic parenting, diadic therapy in our home, homeschooling, Neurological Reorganization, OT, nutrition. My adopted girl is 11 and has come a long way. I have not had success with psychiatry so I'm sorry not to have the referral you seek. Trauma services are growing! I'm sending so much support! 

    If you look through the archives, you'll see many recommendations for Virginia Keeler-Wolf. We were in a similar situation and tried her out. It was not a good fit. Our child did not connect with her at all.  She was way too similar to his teachers. I also thought that she talked about things in front of him that were very inappropriate (how terrible his teacher was, how badly he was being bullied). She attended an IEP meeting with us and I really regretted that decision. It took a long time for me to calm the team back down and get them to be willing to work with us.

    We switched to Talia Kurland at Clearwater Clinic and couldn't be happier. She's enthusiastic and my son looks forward to his sessions with her. She met with us without our son frequently to make sure that we were all working towards the same goals. She never said anything inappropriate in front of our son. She is young but really knows what she's doing.

  • Hi there,

    I noticed in response to a question last week an anonymous mom mentioned that her daughter was attending a girls adoption support group.  If she or anyone else would mind sharing the information for that group with me I'd be super grateful.  My daughter is 10 and adopted and has many of the issues the poster and respondents described.

    Thanks to all!

    I'm not the original poster, but my daughter used to be in a group run by Virginia-Keeler Wolf. She has different groups by age and they are held from Sept. to May. 

    http://www.attachmentadoption.net/clinicalstaff_virginia.html

  • My daughter has some issues that have escalated recently. Although she has a therapist we recently had a crisis appointment with a cognitive behavioral psychiatrist and she responded very well to the direct and concrete approach.  Her therapist is great but really focuses more on younger kids and I think my daughter has outgrown her.  My daughter is struggling with abandonment issues as an adopted child, emotional regulation difficulties particularly with anger, has some learning differences (and a moderate 504 plan though she’s doing well in school now) and has recently talked of self harm and suicide (hence the crisis intervention).  Given the timing of her most difficult times there is definitely a hormonal component but before treating her for that her doctor recommends an evaluation and treatment plan from a psychiatrist to treat her more holisticly rather than just symptom by symptom. Which I wholeheartedly agree with. So now I need the psychiatrist.  We have Kaiser and because she’s from foster care she also has MediCal.  While of course a covered doctor is ideal, we’re mostly interested in getting her the best care possible and I have family who can likely help with the cost.  We’re in North Berkeley. 

    Her issues are private struggles at home—her school, friends and after school programs would be shocked to know of what happens at home sometimes.  So I feel we are at a good point to get her help before things spiral more out of control.  I am a solo mom with a long term, live out boyfriend who is incredibly supportive of both me and my daughter.  And I have my own therapist so I can focus on my daughter during her sessions.  Even with all this support, and everyone telling me I am doing everything right it is so hard and so scary to see my little girl suffer so much and to carry this emotional baggage. So even if you don’t have a recommendation—any encouragement, words of wisdom and especially thoughts from those who have made it to the other side are appreciated.  

    I'm having very similar issues with my son. We had a neuropsych exam done at Clearwater Counselling in Oakland and are now doing therapy there with Talia Kurland. My son really likes her and looks forward to going. He has not that reaction to other therapists that we've seen. Talia is young and has developed a very nice, trusting relationship with my son. We tried the therapist who is known locally as the leading adoption therapist and there was no connection at all. I've found that my son relates much better to younger therapists than to baby boomers at the end of their careers.

    We pay out of pocket for this. Unfortunately we have never had any luck with therapists covered by our insurance. In my opinion, you can do a lot of damage by trying to force a relationship with the wrong therapist. You don't want your child to hate therapy and be reluctant to attend. If you can get help to pay for this out of pocket, I'd recommend that. We also told our son that he would have input into the therapist and that our goal was to find someone who he liked. Talia has been great. I've not heard good things about Kaiser mental health services. And the Medi-Cal resources that we've tried to use haven't been great either. Unfortunately the age of the therapist is one of the most important things for the fit with my son and the older the therapist, the less likely there is to be a good fit.

    I wanted to write you to tell you I get it. I too am a mom of a tween who was adopted. Have been exactly where you are. So much anger, despair, threats of suicide and running away—and all of it completely invisible to the world outside our home. He behaves like a completely different kid in public. Saves all of his attachment/abandonment rage for his parents. It’s exhausting but I guess, also, maybe encouraging that he has learned how to be socially appropriate and so does not alienate teachers and potential friends. 

    I can can recommend Dr Wymes at Kaiser for a psych evaluation. He doesn’t do cognitive behavioral stuff and he’s not a therapist but he did do a great job for us of assessing danger and figuring out diagnosis and meds. Also—he seems to have a lot of experience with adopted kids. He told us things tend to get even worse through the teenage years (sigh...) before they get better, as the normal teenage search for one’s identity re-ignites all the abandonment stuff. 

    Best of of luck to you mom. We will get through these years eventually. 

    I think I have a pretty good idea of how you are feeling and what it's like to be the parent of a child who is suffering emotionally. Our son entered into a deep depression w/ social anxiety and was suicidal a lot of the time. We found a CBT therapist about a year ago. The CBT person recommended he do the CBT work but also see a psychiatrist. Its been a little less that a year and WHAT A DIFFERENCE it has made. He had to make an effort do the CBT work (visualization, meditation writing, etc) but it paid off. The psychiatrist recommended he should try Fluoxetine, (which we were not in favor of in the beginning) but it REALLY helped. It gave him a break from the depression so he could actually do the CBT work.  By the way Fluoxetine (Prozac) is often recommend for premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which your daughter may or may not have.  I don't mean to imply our son is "happy all the time", but he is himself again, doing well in school, having fun with friends, fighting with his siblings, etc. In his darkest hour (a few weeks into treatment) I did talk to him about my experience with faith, not faith in any particular god or anything, but that sometimes when people are in their darkest hour, faith is the only thing left. We also cried together a few times just hugging and not saying anything. I have faith that you will see your daughter smiling again, brighter than ever!

    My child is a little older and will not commit to the work she was recommended to do through her CBT. DBT is another level you might look into.  Exercise is really all she relies on for calmness. While she is the one experiencing all the confusion of this newly diagnosed condition, if I don't remember to take the time to take care of myself and let myself go I can be of no help to anyone.  So my advice is to be good to yourself,  continue to be a great role model and utilize a spa day once in a while. 

    Yup, the tween, early teen years have been super hard for my younger adopted daughter, the older one seems to be cruising through though. We tried and are having success with 1000mg of omega fatty acids for mood (recommended by a friend who is a child psychiatrist) and also Sam-e which is sold as a supplement in the US, but prescribed for depression in Europe almost as frequently as Prozac. The other suggestion which Kaiser discouraged was having genomic testing to see what antidepressants would be a good match for her. She had a bad reaction to Adderal for ADHD and I didn’t want to put her through anything like that. She’s been attending a girls’ adoption group and will be going to a small high school with a strong mentoring component. Good luck, pick your battles and love your kid unconditionally.

    I am sorry to hear your daughter is struggling.  She has a great support group with you, your boyfriend and the professionals you have ensured she has access to. It is hard to go through this, but know you are doing great. You have support for yourself as well as for her. It's a long haul sometimes, but with continued support for both of you, things will get better. If you think there is a hormonal component, I recommend using the app me v pmdd.Your daughter can easily choose moods, etc to track each month and there is an area to type in a daily journal. The creator of the app encourages positive self talk in the journal to help during the tough times each month. We believe our daughter is suffering from PMDD from 2.5-3 weeks out of the month - anxiety, exhaustion, withdrawal --- each month is a bit different --- some months more mild than others, but way more than PMS. By tracking these moods/emoitions/physical symptoms on the app, we will be able to have a better picture over a few months of what is going on (or not going on if that ends up being the case). The app has helped our daughter track her emotions/physical ailments and thoughts of the day easily. We tried other journaling and it never really got to a point where she would do it every day. The app is simple and helps her remember what to rate each day.  Hopefully, it can help  your daughter too.  Hang in there Mom, you are doing well and all of this hard work and support you are providing her will pay off.  Remember to celebrate the small things, the small wins, when you see them.  Lots of celebration along the way to larger goals helps a lot.  Take care.

    First of all I want to say that I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. There is nothing worse than when your child is struggling - you just want to do whatever it takes to make sure she's okay. Second of all, I want you to know that you're not alone. So many of us on here have been through similar things with our kids. It's just that nobody really talks about it because there's so much shame and guilt (did I do something wrong? Did I mess up as a mom?) and so much fear (is she going to be okay? What do I need to do to protect her?). We had a hard time finding a therapist who was a good fit for our family. We wanted someone our daughter liked, but also someone we could work with as parents. We finally chose Dr Rachel Zoffness in Berkeley. Our daughter at the time was also struggling with chronic migraines that were triggered by stress, and Dr Z was a perfect fit. We loved her. I cannot say enough about how much she changed our lives. There are a bunch of good CBT therapists in this area so you can't go wrong. We did a Google search and interviewed a few until we found one we loved. Don't give up and hang in there. This too shall pass!!!

Archived Q&A and Reviews

Therapist for adopted daughter coming home from RTC

April 2013

We are looking for a therapist for our daughter who will be returning from 2 years at a Residential Theraputic boarding school. It is imperative that this individual have a specialty in working with adopted youth. Our daughter will be attending college away, so hope to find someone who will consider phone therapy as well. Please respond if you have had personal experience with such a therapist. Would prefer east of the tunnel if possible. Hopeful Mom


You might want to check with Leslie Foge in Lafayette. She specializes in adoption issues and has worked with several kids who have gone to wilderness or residential treatment. Also consider talking to your adoption agency to see if they have a recommendation. anonymous


I am a huge fan of both Laura Soble (http://www.laurasoble.net) and Stacy Ouetten (http://www.attachmentadoption.net/clinicalstaff_stacy.html). They both have extensive experience with adoption issues. They are, however, in Oakland. If that's too far for you, they might be able to refer you to some one good on your side of the hills. I would completely trust their recommendation. Ann


OK, as I did for the depressed/anxious teen above, I'm going to recommend Coyote Coast - they're east of the tunnel, in Orinda. The therapists there specialize in facilitating the transition home from a structured therapeutic environment. And I know they have plenty of experience with adopted youth. As you look for therapists for your daughter, I encourage you to consider doing family therapy as well. Family therapy helped us navigate the difficult transition, and we continue to learn how to accept and support each other and to change relational patterns that no longer serve us. Stay hopeful.... Lorilyn


I have a recommendation for the woman looking for an adoption therapist to help her daughter returning two years in RTC I recommend Leslie Foge MFT. I interview Leslie on my website talkinghearttoheart.org. Cindy


Potential adoption challenges for 11yo daughter

Oct 2012

Our daughter is having a number of challenges from petty stealing, to hoarding. We would like to find a pre-teen counselor in the North Berkeley area who is familiar with working with tweens and who understands a child who is adopted. We love our daughter with all of our hearts and we want to try to help. Not sure where to turn. We have read all of the books . . . we want someone who is experienced and who can really relate to a young girl. Thank you! worried mom


Stay Outten is an excellent therapist for working with adoption issues. She is not in North Berkeley, but nearby. I highly recommend giving her a call to see if she would be a good fit for your daughter and your family. (510)594-4311, http://www.attachmentadoption.net/clinicalstaff_stacy.html Best of luck to you. Laura


When our daughter was having some emotional difficulties she saw a therapist named Cecilia Froberg. Cecilia was really warm and our daughter really liked her and benefitted tremendously from therapy. I know this therapist also has a lot experience with foster children and adopted children. Her office is in Oakland, near Lake Meritt. Here is her contact info: Contact [at] ceciliafroberg.com (Contact[at]ceciliafroberg[dot]com) 510-604-6362 Good luck! Pleased parent


Troubled 14 year old struggles with adoption loss issues

August 2012

I am looking for a therapist or mentor or other professional who is experienced working with troubled teenage girls like my daughter. My daughter is 14 and just started high school. She is adopted from birth and struggles deeply with the loss associated with her adoption. She is a pathological liar -- all the time, all events -- trivial or important. She is creative and a gifted story teller so people generally believe her lies. She craves drama and wants to pull everyone into her drama. She engages in self destructive behavior. She is and has been close to failing school because she does not do the work but lies about doing it. She has some learning disabilities but won't let anyone help her. She has been in therapy for years. Sometimes helps for awhile but then she tanks again. It is a roller coaster.

That's the challenge. Now for the wonderful part: my daughter is beautiful, kind, loving, smart, funny, and the light of my life. It is so painful to watch her self-sabotage.

Do you know anyone who is experienced in working with teenage girls with this profile and these kind of issues? Someone who has developed a process/plan to address these issues and has experienced some success. Alternative therapy? EMDR? Thanks! Out of Ideas But Hopeful Mom


My daughter joined our family at the age of 7 after spending 18 months in CA foster care. I highly recommend two therapists we have used Virginia Cunningham in San Leandro and Joan Lovett in Berkeley. Gini is a gifted MFT and continues to work wonders with our daughter who is now 13. Gini initially saw our daughter weekly until 2 years ago, now it's twice monthly. While Joan, a superb behavioral therapist, performs her miracles with through EMDR for our daughter's PTSD whom she saw weekly for a year (8-9 y.o.) then monthly, and now as needed. Joan, in fact, has authored a few books about PTSD and adoption and are exellent reading for any parent who adopts a child. As concerned and loving parents, we provide the opportunities and our kids do the necessary work. Good therapy changes the child and his/her family. Good luck! pw


My daughter is also 14 and has some of the same issues. I have spoken to her repeatedly about lying and she is beginning to get the point. Whenever her friends lie to her, I make a point of asking how she feels about that friend and what she would prefer they do. As for school, there is a program in high schools called AVID. It has different names in different schools. But it is aimed at teaching kids to be responsible about their grades, to learn good study skills, and to think positively about oneself and ones potential (i.e college). You and your daughter need to sign papers that commit to the program and its methods. I know that this program is starting to make a big difference in my daughter's life. It's also a relief to me as a single mom. Another Mom of an Adopted 14 year old


I too have an adopted daughter. So many of us have been in your shoes, same issues, the lying, risky behaviors,school issues...

Our daughter is now 17. She is currently in a therapeutic residential placement after 12 weeks in a wilderness program. We have all learned a lot along this journey. Her therapist is preparing her to start EMDR which we have heard great things about. She also is at a school that uses equine therapy.

I am more than happy to share what we have found helpful. I do have the names of 2 wonderful therapists that specialize in adoption. Also, the support group Willows in the Wind (advertised in BPN) is a great resource. Depending on private or County adoption, you may have funding available to you.

A note about school issues that we have learned...these children are terrified about being told they are not good enough (because that would validate what they feel about themselves), so by not doing the work they are in control of their own failure and no one can say their work (they) are not good enough. I think this is so interesting and has been acknowledged by our daughter as true.

If I can help you or others reading this, please contact me. Karen


Hi - Your daughter sounds a lot like my son. He is being seen at Coyote Coast in Lafayette, a youth counseling program. They have therapists and mentors who specialize in ''troubled teens.'' Adoption issues are not their focus, but at least some of the counselors have worked with adopted kids. Our kids do have a lot of grief/loss/shame/identity issues that surface during the teen years.

I would also very highly recommend Leslie Foge in Lafayette. She specializes in working with adopted kids, especially teens and is extremely knowledgeable about adoption issues and is a very kind and skilled therapist. My son has not worked directly with her, but we have seen her for parent consultations because of her special expertise in adoption. She seems to see mostly female adopted teens. We found Leslie by asking our adoption agency for advice. Your agency may be able to give you additional resources as well. Best of luck, Adoptive mom


Here are a few therapy resources to check out. Virginia and Stacy are about to start (on Sept 5) a support/therapy group for adoptive teens (girls).

Virginia Keeler-Wolf, MA, MFT 510-339-9363 Virginia [at] attachmentadoption.net (Virginia[at]attachmentadoption[dot]net) 510-594-4311.

Stacy L Outten. 510-594-4311 Stacy [at] attachmentadoption.net (Stacy[at]attachmentadoption[dot]net)

Sandy also offers therapy services for adoptive teens. Sandy McQuillan, 510-230-7119

Adoptive Teen Support Group: Please spread the word to adoptive teens and their families about this wonderful support group for adoptive teenagers! Are you a teen who has wondered: * Why am I terrified of rejection even though I have such loving parents? * Why do I think so much about my birthmother when my parents have provided such a wonderful home? Maybe you have been secretly wishing for a place to talk freely with other adoptees about all these adoption experiences. A place where you will find compassion and understanding. Tuesdays, 4-5:30pm Berkeley My name is Sandy McQuillan, licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. I have been leading psychotherapy groups for over twenty-seven years. In addition, I have been in a successful open adoption for the last 25 years. My group will be perfect for adoptee teens who are between 13 to 16 years old and may be wondering and questioning their identity. Call: Sandy McQuillan, MFT 510-230-7119 for an appointment and to register 2718 Telegraph Avenue, Suite 210, Berkeley, CA 94705 Maybe you have been secretly wishing for a place to talk freely with other adoptees about all these adoption experiences. A place where you will find compassion and understanding.Adoptive Teen Support GroupTuesdays, 4-5:30pmBerkeleyMy name is Sandy McQuillan, licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. I have been leading psychotherapy groups for over twenty-seven years. In addition, I have been in a successful open adoption for the last 25 years. My group will be perfect for adoptee teens who are between 13 to 16 years old and may be wondering and questioning their identity.Call: Sandy McQuillan, MFT510-230-7119for an appointment and to register2718 Telegraph Avenue, Suite 210, Berkeley, CA 94705 linda


Therapist for 14 year old adopted daughter

Oct 2011

Can anyone recommend a good therapist for a 14 year old girl who is having anxiety and anger issues? She is highly intelligent and functions well at school, but is still falling apart sometimes at night and completely loses control.She was in group therapy for two 8-month sessions for adopted girls with Virginia Keeler-Wolf in Oakland, but doesn't want to try that again. (In fact, she says she doesn't want any kind of therapy at all, but admits to feeling helpless and defeated by her emotions.) Even if she won't talk to a therapist, I'd love a professional who could talk to me and coach me how to help my wonderful daughter through this pain. Someone in the Berkeley/ Oakland area would be best. Thanks, Overwhelmed single mom


I don't have a name for you but just some support. My daughter also did the Virginia keeled wolf support group and hated it. (I have nothing but good to say about Virginia, I loved her. My daughter just isn't a support group type kid.).

I just wanted to say that it took some time, but my daughter now loves therapy. Once I stopped trying to talk her into it, she began to see the benefit. She decided that she needed to be more open to new situations and decided to talk to a therapist. She sees Ellin Sadur, but she is in San Ramon. She has been a great mediator for us and has really helped me to modify my behavior to make things easier for both of us. (Ellin does also have a walnut creek office.)

So, don't give up on therapy but wait for her to see the benefit. I garauntee that you will start to miss the days you didn't have to pay for it! (Ellin does take Anthem Blue Cross but you have to file it yourself.) Been There


Seeking Teen Therapist for 13yo Adopted Daughter

April 2011

My daughter is now 13 and was adopted at 16 months. She is very bright but has issues with lying. She has ADD and like many ADD kids, is very poorly organized. Her lies are causing me to distrust her and is interfering with her school work. I have been out of work for awhile and do not have health insurance, so I'm looking for someone who works on a sliding scale. Any suggestions would be much appreciated since I am extraordinarily frustrated.


I highly recommend Shira Gallagher, LCSW. 510-594-4008. She has a great deal of experience working with adopted and foster teenagers as well as parents of adopted youth and adopted adults. She is a also just a simply wonderful therapist. She is very bright, compassionate, experienced and does very well with teens. anon


Our adopted daughter, who we adopted at birth, just turned 15. She has learning differences and, it turns out based on a neuro-psych test, ADD as well. I imagine you are having some of the same issues that we have had since the age of 13 with our daughter. I saw that you had a response from someone familiar with adoption issues, and I would definitely recommend that you see if you can find someone who knows those issues if you can. I just started reading the book Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, and it really seems right on, although there is a lot of discussion about the effect of closed adoptions which is not our situation. I just wish I had read this book long ago. There is also a newer book by the same author, but I have yet to get it.

I did want to recommend a therapist that my daughter saw, although I'm not sure how specifically familiar with adoption issues she is. We found her after another therapist and a psychiatrist weren't helping the way we really needed. Her name is Georgia Maslowski (510-420-8838). She does use a sliding scale. She was able to quickly gain my daughter's trust, and started to really sort out the truth of what was going on in my daughter's life, and where she was emotionally. She was able to bring my side in without alienating my daughter when I had a different account of events. I think it would have been successful, since she also recommended someone for family counseling, but unfortunately my daughter had become very depressed and started to do pretty scary things. When she started to get more in touch with her feelings, and have some hope for relieving her depression, she became so angry she needed to go away for a while to get more therapy than once weekly. I hope that is not your future, but now that we know about this, we have discovered that therapeutic facilities away from home have many adopted kids attending. I've sent a recommendation to be put below in the announcements section for an educational consultant who helped us find a great place for a reasonable price. S


Therapist for 7th grader's identity issues

April 2011

We are looking to see if anyone has any experience with any of the following therapists who specialize in adoption/adolescence in our area. Unfortunately the person recommended to us, Leslie Foge, is not covered by our insurance. The following people are covered by our insurance: Ilene Nemetz, Walnut Creek Candace Hendra, Walnut Creek Beverly Scott, Concord Janet Long, Walnut Creek Rhiannon Shires, Walnut Creek

Our 7th grade daughter is having identity issues related to being adopted (we adopted her when she was 2 days old) and we are seeking a female therapist who specializes in this type of issue. Thanks.


Therapist for adopted child. I cannot recommend maria viella highly enough. she works at west coast children's clinic but is also in private practice in piedmont Maria has a teenager who is adopted and she herself is also adopted. She does family therapy but from my perspective many of these difficulties for the child who is adopted become family issues.

Maria is wonderful with teenagers... she really enjoys them and gets them and her clinical experience is impressive. most important to us she really helped create an environment where we could work on the issues in a safe respectful way... this is really hard stuff for kids and we all meet work on it and support them. She gets that. most important to my daughter who 17 she is willing to occasionally meet her for lunch... buy my kid thai food and she's your friend for life!


Support group for adopted 11-year-old daughter

Feb 2011

I am looking for a support group or camp for my 11 year old daughter whom was adopted as an infant through a domestic adoption. I am looking in Berkeley or El Cerrito area. I heard about Virginia Keeler Ross' group but it is a difficult time of day for our family and it is very expensive. Does anyone know of other groups? I think a group would be better than individual because she keeps on talking about being different than everyone due to her adoption. If there are no other groups could anyone comment on Virginia's group? Was it helpful for your child? By the way she is the same race as my husband and I are (Pact would not be appropriate). Thanks A


I am the founder and director of FUSION: A Summer Camp for Mixed Heritage and Transracially Adopted Youth. It is focused on the Mixed Heritage and TRA experiences, but it is open to youth of all heritages and we have had several non-mixed heritage and non-TRA campers attend and have an enriching and memorable summer! The focus is really on self-identification and self-expression, so it is truly a camp for all children and I am sure your daughter will be able to bond with other adoptee campers and staff because of their shared experiences. Please go to our website, www.fusionprogram.org, and email or call me with any questions you may have. Whether or not our program is a good fit for your daughter, I wish you luck! As a mixed heritage TRA myself, I know how important it is to find a community, which is why I started the camp! info [at] fusionprogram.org (info[at]fusionprogram[dot]org)


Mary Ellen Hill has a weeklong summer camp for adoptees of varying ages (and also Saturday workshops during the school year). My 9-year-old daughter has done both, and loves them. (Mary Ellen also offers other interesting camps, unrelated to adoption). These will be held in Oakland. My daughter will probably sign up again for the summer camp.

My older daughter (now 13) did the Keeler-Wolf + Soble girl groups for a year, and would have continued if not for soccer conflict. If you would like to talk more about either or both these groups--which are quite different--send e-mail and we can follow up by phone or e-mail.

Mary Ellen Hill's website: www.mehstories.com Monday-Friday, 9a-3p, $350 Ages 6-12, six children maximum enrollment

Session 8 August 8-12 + Adoptees Connecting Camp (ACC) This session is for children who want to share and explore their adoption in a supportive and playful way with other adopted children. Each camper will have many opportunities to celebrate their particular life journey as an adopted person through various art forms: writing, drawing, painting, collage, reading, drama and puppets. Mary Ellen was adopted as an infant and has been exploring adoption in various ways for many years. lori


 


Therapist for older adopted teen

Aug 2010

I'm looking for recommendations for a therapist for my almost 19-year-old adopted daughter. She has some adoption issues--the intellectual understanding of why her birth mother could not care for her but the emotional distress of feeling rejected--and she suffers from low self esteem. Thanks. supportive mom


Dear Supportive Mom looking for therapist for 19 y/o daughter, my husband and I highly recommend Dr. Thomas Cohen on Piedmont Ave. 510-653-0110. He treated our son from age 16 to 18 and was amazing. In the course of our son's therapy, Dr. Cohen also saw our teenage daughter periodically. She is two years younger than her brother. Dr. Cohen was well prepared to talk with teens who really didn't want his help and didn't want to face their issues (by the way, they were dealing with feelings of rejection, abandonment, and low self esteem). Call him and see what you think. He saved our kids and the sanity of our family. Good luck!


I know a psychologist who specializes in adoption who would be a great person for your daughter. Her name is Melissa Holub, and she's in Berkeley on Shattuck near Ashby. She's smart, warm and very experienced. good luck!


An excellent psychologist who could help your daughter work through her adoption feelings is Susanne Stolcke. Ms. Stolcke specializes in young adults and has a great deal of experience with young adults. She's located at 2006 Dwight Way, Berkeley. She has a website: www.poweroftherapy.com Good Luck. Anon


Ashley Henderson is a very talented and empathic therapist. She has extensive experience with teens/young adults and the adoption experience. Laura


We built our family through adoption and have benefitted greatly from the guidance of Leslie Foge. www.lesliefoge.com She's in Lafayette. You should also check out PACER's web site for a listing of adoption literate therapists, as well as local support group meetings: http://www.pacer-adoption.org/therapists.htm Good luck! fellow adoptive mom


Therapist for 12-year-old adopted daughter

August 2010

Our daughter is having some issues that we (my husband and I) and our couples' counselor feel would be helped by having her go to therapy. Our daughter is not interested in therapy (she feels it means there is something wrong with you, in spite of our trying to disabuse her of that notion). In any case, one of her comments recently made me think that she would benefit from a therapist who specializes in working with adopted kids. (Our daughter said that she feels that she hasn't ''bonded'' with me and she doesn't know if she even wants to. We have no idea where she even came upon the word, frankly.) Generally speaking, our daughter gets along fantastically with my husband, and poorly with me. Our daughter was adopted at birth, just as an fyi, and it was a domestic adoption. Any recommendations in the Walnut Creek/Lamorinda area? I have checked the website and the latest recommendations seem to be 2 years old. Thanks in advance. want to help our daughter


Please consider Virginia Keeler-Wolf at Family Attachment and Adoption Center (FAACE). I have students who work with Virginia and they (and parents) are very happy with her. Virginia is excellent! FAACES website is http://www.attachmentadoption.net/index.html I wish your daughter the best. Nancy


I highly recommend Cindy Hill-Ford, MFT. She is located in Lafayette and specializes in adoption issues. She is very skilled with adolescents and would probably be a good match for your daughter. She is warm and compassionate as well as very knowledgable about these kinds of issues. You can email her at hillford [at] sbcglobal.net (hillford[at]sbcglobal[dot]net) anonymous


 


17-year-old with relationship/adoption issues

Oct 2006

My 17 year old daughter needs a therapist in Berkeley area to help her with believing she is interesting enough, attractive enough etc. that any desirable boy she is involved with will not instantly leave her at the first opportunity. This is probably partially an adoption (abandonment) issue, probably other things too. She just broke up (again) with a very sweet young man because she didn't ''trust'' that he wouldn't leave her for someone else, just as they were getting into a pattern of going places, having fun, spending time with each others' family occasions, etc. She insists he did absolutely nothing to make her suspicious--just can't stop thinking that ''if someone else wants him, they'll just get him, she doesn't stand a chance.'' She acknowledges this is her problem and she needs help. She has a history of problems with self- confidence--probably mostly because of learning disability and body image issues, as well as the adoption component. Most recommendations on the website are years old or for other types of problems, so I'd appreciate your recommendations. Anonymous


I highly recommend Patricia Contaxis for your 17 yr old daughter. she works primarily with adolescents and can really relate to them. my daughter has been seeing her for over a year and has been very beneficial for her. Great with self confidence issues. She's on Solano. her # is 510-524-5028. Good luck B.'s mom


I would recommend that you seek a therapist with experience in adoption issues as this often affects self-esteem (confidence and trust in relationships with others). I would highly recommend Kirsten Beuthin who specializes in teens and their families as well as adoption issues. She is in Oakland and SF. 510-652-0990 or 415-401-7180 anonymous


Young teen girl with anxiety, adoption, loss issues

May 2006

Looking for a therapist experienced in anxiety, adoption, loss issues for a young teen girl. An Asian woman would be ideal. Mom C


Lili Suzuki, MFT might be a good fit for your daughter. She specializes in work with adoption issues. She is also trained as an art therapist. 510-233-7555, ext. 18 Laura Soble, MFT, REAT, Oakland


I highly recommend Alexandra Howells. She specializes in working with Teens and she is a very compassionate and warm person who is very skilled and has a great connection with young people. Her number is 510-869-4394. Her email is alex[at]howells.com Priscilla