Nosy Neighbors

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Archived Q&A and Reviews

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My neighbor seems to be having an affair

July 2008

I think my neighbor is having an affair. During the week when our husbands go off to work, and while I am working in my home office, recently, I've seen a man walking by the side of my house to this woman's back door of her apartment unit. She'll greet him by stating, ''Hurry. Get in before someone sees you.'' Then, I'll HEAR them (as they're pretty loud when they moan and groan and not something I really want to hear but don't have much choice here and they're louder than my radio)...and, a couple of hours later as they say and kiss their good-byes, I can hear him say, ''I have to go now. I really have to go now.'' Then, he'll walk by with cigarette in hand! Her husband will be home about an hour or two later. I don't know this woman as she seems sort of snooty and not very well mannered or receptive when she walks by me even though I try to smile. Her husband, though, always greets me, my husband, and/or my kids when we're watering our front lawn. Though, I know it's absolutely none of my business, and, I won't say a word to the man, I can't help feeling extremely awkward when her husband says hello. And because my first marriage ended in divorce because of my ex's extramarital affair, I think that's what contributes to my feelings of akwardness. I just really wish I didn't know about what I think I'm perceiving because my heart feels terrible for her husband...any words of wisdom? anon

Yes I have some wisdom...Stay out of it! It's absolutely NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. What your neighbors do with their time in their own home is completely their business. If they want to swing naked from the chandeliers they can do that. If you can't help spying on them I suggest you get a hobby, listen to the radio, go for a walk, volunteer your time. Do whatever it takes to stop yourself from eavesdropping on other people's lives. I don't know why Americans feel the need to be sex police. Maybe these people have an 'understanding'. Maybe they don't. Either way drop it and move on. Maggie

Maybe just tell her privately you're sorry but the walls are thin and could she and her friend keep it down, the way you would with loud music (or work in another room?). That's all you can do, it isn't your business, the husband may beat her for all you know or may have had an affair or something that would morally justify it for you. But the morality of it is not your business. I'd just take the signal of how it's upsetting you because of your past situation to look into that and get whatever help you need to heal from that. - my 2 cents

At first, I thought, ''Don't go there -- let it alone.'' But I remember a similar question and responses a while ago, and someone brought up the question of STDs. And that seemed like a pretty good point to me -- if this guy thinks he's in a monogamous relationship, but this woman is cheating on him, who knows what she's picking up and passing on? I would think about an anonymous letter to the husband -- ''Dude, your wife is having an affair. She does it while you're at work. If this bothers you, hire a P.I. or something. P.S. Wear a condom.'' kevin

If your neighbor thinks that no one is noticing the visitor, she is really in denial. I agree it is a tricky situation, but truthfully wouldn't you want to know if your spouse was having an affair? I am interested to hear what others say. I know it is not your business, however you see and hear it and it bothers you. You could 1) write her a note and let her know that her afternoon visits are loud and upsetting to you or 2) tell her husband that his wife has an afternoon visitor. He can decide from there what he wants to do. anon

This really isn't any of your business. So, just be polite and move on. -anon

I think my elderly neighbor should move to assisted living

Nov 2007

Would it be presumptuous of me to provide my elderly neighbor that lives alone with information about some of the various assisted living options in the area? My first resource of information is the BPN. There are some great suggestions around Lake Merritt, El Sobrante, El Cerrito, etc. But she has over the years expressed how she does not want to live in those convelescent home type places where there is no privacy, etc. I believe that she is not aware of the nice assisted living options that are now the modern way for seniors to maintain independence and privacy yet have the benefits of companionship, comradry, and services like in-house beauty shop and trips to the doctor's office and grocery stores. This neighbor is a woman approaching 90. I think she is 87. She gets around her house OK. She uses a walker to get around. But she cannot leave the house without assistance because there are stairs to get down to the driveway/sidewalk, about 7 stairs. For the 2nd time in about 4 months she requested I help her get to a hair appointment but I could not due to prior engagements that I could not cancel. She relies on our other neighbor to take her, usually, but the last time he was out of town, and this time more recently he had something come up. In both cases, she called me the night before the appointment. She has a daughter-by-marriage in the area and daughters by birth in TX and one in AZ. (She has an assistant come to her home to help about 4 hours per day, M-F but this person does not assist her on getting to appointments, only to help around the house.) I believe she could afford a nice assisted living situation due to the equity in her home that was purchased in 1950. I know that her income tax was about $26,000 last year because she needed help from me to read something from her accountant. If anyone has suggestions and opions about this it would be great to hear about your experiences. I would also like to ask about what questions to ask the assisted living places, like: what is a good ratio of residents to staff, etc. ? Is this an appropriate question to ask? Any interview questions would be great. I will of course ask her step daughter and her daugher in TX about what they think. But I worry that they have a conflict of interest. Any funds that the woman spends will eat into any inheiritance that the relatives will get. I also wonder if our other neighbor is getting tired of being the person for the beauty appointments but just doesn't want to tell her ''no, why can't your step daughter take you?''. I feel that I am an objective observer in all this. anon

You say you are an objective observer, yet you sound pretty subjective and involved. I don't think your interest in this matter would be met well. We have several widowed men and women in their 80's and 90's living on our street, and while their mobility has decreased over the years, they are happy and functional and cherish their independence. Neighbors do help when needed and they don't feel put out at all. I hope my neighbors are the same in my old age. I am really grateful that we have so many older neighbors for our small children to get to know. Actually, the woman who lived in our own home lived here well into her 90's and passed away peacefully in her sleep. She had no children at all, but a ''family'' of neigbors who loved and supported her. I'm sure this was preferable to an anonymous assisted living facility. I wouldn't understimate this woman who sounds perfectly capable of living on her own. Why do you care so much if she's happy and not bothering you, except the 2 occasions when she asked for a ride to her salon and you weren't able to anyway? If I were her, I would question YOUR motives. butt out

If the only problems facing your neighbor are missing an occasional hair appointment and too many stairs, butt out. You aren't a family member and she has family. Her financial situation and her family's inheritance issues are none of your business. Your neighbor who provides rides is fully capable of saying ''no'' when necessary--after all you've been asked to help out when this neighbor can't. If you are concerned about the woman's physical/mental health or her safety, then talk to a family member. If you think her family members are abusing or neglecting her or stealing her money, call Social Services. Unless her health, safety, or family neglect & abuse are issues, mind your own business and let her live her life as she chooses. Don't interfere

Lots of people feel very strongly about remaining at home. Unless money is no object, Assisted Living is VERY expensive. You can easily run through your savings and be stuck. If your neighbor needs help, there are resources to help her remain at home. Each county has a ''linkages'' program and an ''IHSS'' program. Both provide help with chores, shopping, and IHSS offers medical care as well. The info number for Contra Costa Co is (800)510-2020, but every county has these programs. They can offer more help if she's low-income, but are great resources and can help even if she doesn't qualify financially. I encourage you to call them and get more information about what's available in your community, and then give your neighbor that information. Good luck!

How kind of you to be so concerned. There are geriatric case workers of different sorts who could help your neighbor. But I think that the initial contacts and all of the decisions need to come from your neighbor and her family. Perhaps you could find out from one of the Berkeley senior centers if there is a listing of the different retirement communities in the area, and then send a copy to each of the daughters. Alternately, there are people who could come in to help your neighbor who do things like take her to appointments and check on her general health and well being. You might be able to find a list of these resources as well. But if it were me, I'd not go any further than that. You mean well, that is very clear. But the issue of what a family will do with their aging parents is very difficult and the family needs to make the decisions. Also a neighbor

 

Nosy neighbor wants to know how much we paid for everything

Sept 2006

My next door neighbor is extremely nosy. She is the landlord to an apartment and we live in a residential home. When we purchased the home, after introducing herself, she asked if she could come into my home because she said she is extremely curious and has always wanted to see the inside of ''that home.'' I declined her request. We have had renovations made to our home as we are in the process of remodeling it for ourselves and our sons, and upon completion, she will ask me or my husband how much we paid to have such renovation made to the point that I feel extremely uncomfortable and hesitantly will answer something in the ''ball range'' figure and she will run to her husband, speak in her language, (she is trilingual, speaks English, Spanish, and Chinese) and will ask me in English or my husband in Spanish, and through her body language and pointing at us, of course we know she's speaking about us, and exasperate that we paid SO MUCH money to fix ''that old house!'' We just had our roof replaced and she without my knowledge tried to seek info out of my husband in front of the roofer! He didn't respond to her request, and unbeknownst to me, when she saw me, she came running to me and asked me how much we paid. I didn't want to answer her but she kept insisting. When I finally told her some amount, she stated OMG that's so much and ran to her husband and then ran across the street to the neighbors who were outside and stared, kept pointing, and of course spoke in the language that I can't understand. I don't want to be rude to her because she is my next door neighbor but at the same time when I heard her speaking, I immediately regretted having uttered an answer. I try to avoid her as much as I can but it's hard when I stay home and she sees me. Any suggestions would be great. My husband deals with it better than I do and simply ignores her but it's hard when she literally comes to my face and bears her noziness! Please advise anon

Different cultures have different standards regarding what kinds of questions are appropriate -- in Anglo-influenced European/American culture questions about how much money one earns, how much one weighs, how old one is, etc. are often considered out of line. When I studied Chinese in college, I had a teacher from Taiwan who used the language-learning situation to ask how much each person in the class weighed, how much our fathers/mothers earned, how much our houses cost, etc. I don't know if her ''nosiness'' is typical in China, but I learned over time that talking about certain subjects in various cultures is not as taboo as in ours. By the same token, when I lived in Scandinavia I found that one only discussed personal/emotional issues with very intimate friends and family, and even then a lot of self-censorship went on. Americans can seem ''nosy'' or too intimate too. Having said that, I don't think that you need to give up your cultural norms in this case. I think it would perhaps even be a service to point out, ''I'm sorry, but I was raised by my parents not to discuss financial matters with people who are not in my family. It's just how our culture works. Please don't ask me about money.'' Of course, this direct approach might also be culturally aggravating. But I think it helps when living in a very diverse culture to try to explain ourselves sometimes nosier than some, not as nosy as others

Why not find a phrase that you feel comfortable with, practice it in front of the mirror so you can say it to her even if she keeps pestering and use that? Something like, ''We got a fair price but I don't want to share the exact amount.'' That should shut her up but if necessary you can just keep repeating the phrase. She sounds like a real pain. Sorry you have to deal with her Jennifer

How about answering ''None of your business'' Or ''I don't want to talk about it'' from now on? She may bad-mouth you behind your back about it in Spanish or Chinese, but who cares? She's probably just as irritating to everyone else in the neighborhood. Others probably aren't that interested in your personal business anyway. Follow your husband's lead. Ignore her -Anon

My grandmother had very good advice about when people ask a question that is really none of their business. She said to respond with ''Why do you ask?'' Their response is generally something that comes across sounding pretty pathetic (e.g. ''I just wanted to know.'') because there's really no true answer (unless they're planning to have the same work done, are going through the same thing, etc.) other than essentially ''I'm nosy''. And when they respond with the ''I just wanted to know.'' Just give thema perplexed look like you can't imagine why it'd be interesting, nod to yourself, and say ''oh''. And go about your own business. If they're rude enough to persist and keep at you about it, you're well within your right to just flat out say, ''It's a private matter and I don't want to discuss it.'' If that's taken as rude, then that person should consider their own rude behavior in asking such questions in the first place No one's business but your own

I must commend you for not wanting to be rude when that is all this person is doing to you-well done! So, depending on how to- the-point you want to be, I've come up with a few suggestions and I hope they help. Whenever she asks you a question you don't want to answer you can say, I'm sorry I can't help you with that.'' Or, what about ignoring her question altogehter and saying only ''It was nice talking to you, but I have to get back''. Or say ''That's a personal matter and I'm uncomfortable saying anything more''. She may persist even after you've non- answered her. If she does, just smile and say nothing, or repeat that you have to go, and then go. However you decide to handle this, be strong. She's accustomed to getting answers from you so it might take several attempts before she gets the message Jen

The wife of my husband's buddy is like this. She would ask me point blank how much I paid for this or that. At first I thought she just honestly needed the information -- she met her husband overseas and had only recently come to live in the US, so I thought I was helping her, and gave her the info. However, it turned out that the real reason she wanted to know dollar amounts was so she could let me know how much cheaper she was able to get it for. Example: ''I see you have Ecco shoes - do you like them?'' I fell for it. Next up: ''Where did you get them? How much did you pay?'' After she had her information, she would drop her bomb: ''oh! don't you know about zappos.com? I got three pairs of Eccos there for only [some really cheap amount, one tenth what I paid]''

I realize this is a self-esteem thing - she wants to show me how clever she is - but it was really pissing me off. So, now I tell her nothing. I turn it into a funny joke. She says ''I love your new refrigerator. How much did you pay for it?'' I say ''Oh, it cost a LOT! A WHOLE lot!'' and laugh. Then she will say ''Well, how much? More than $500?'' and I say ''It cost so much my husband had to go out and get a second job!'' She says ''No, really, how much was it?'' And I say ''Really! I hardly ever see him anymore!'' and so on. It's actually kind of entertaining. She sees me laughing, we both know what's going on. She might even laugh too. But she stopped asking me nosy questions. So her new tactic became ''Ask the Husband''. My husband is such a softie. He was glad to hand over all sorts of information including what we owe on our house and how much we paid for infertility treatments! So we had to spend several ''counselling'' sessions together where I reminded him over and over not to do this, and also (important!) suggested wording he could use when she asked him one of her questions. Next, she began having her husband ask my husband. This was even worse, since the two guys are good friends. I told my husband to say ''My wife doesn't want me to discuss our finances, really sorry, she's just hypersensitive, blah blah blah.'' So finally we got it solved. G.

It might be too late, but you might try befriending her... like ''what do you think? it's a lot, huh?'' kind of questions. I also have a neighbor who shakes his head whenever we have work done. He's from a culture different than mine, and he always wants to see it and then shakes his head, saying 'so much money'. But he also brings me lemons from his tree, and tomatoes in the summer. I think his world view is very different from mine, his life experiences very different, what he does with his money is very different than what we do, and how we express it is also different. I guess I'm saying don't take it so personally. To her she may be being culturally appropriate, but no sense in getting your feelings hurt. I always believe in being proactive: 'Hi, Mrs.So, how are you? Your garden is growing nicely, are you well? how are the kids? ...'sorry, not trying to be condescending, of course you know how to make friends, but try killing her with kindness and smalltalk. Just a thought. (smile) anon