Hostile Neighbor

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Archived Q&A and Reviews

Questions

New neighbor's hostility toward me

May 2008

I've had a series of bouts with a neighbor who has no control of her children, who lives at an apartment complex behind my house. This woman would also throw regular loud parties to 4 a.m. Her children, who played in the back area of the apartment complex, would throw things into my yard, e.g., chards of glass, oranges, gravel, rocks, toys, and garbage. They've verbally harassed my kids and have thrown wine bottles at them. I stupidly did not call the police on the leader of the pack, an 11 year-old girl, and her gang, unsupervised children of the other tenants, but I did notify the landlord and then the City of Oakland officials to deal with the ongoing situation that has gone on for a long time. Had we known about these problems beforehand, we would have never bought our house but that's a different story.

To make a very long story short, the landlord, who has a $250,000 fine over her head now if we have one more problem with her tenants, finally erected a fence and the unsupervised kids now have no access to our back yard area anymore. The mother and the landlord refused to meet us at a mediation we had requested and left us hanging but the city officials took matters into their own hands. Anyway, we now have a new neighbor who is friends with the mother of the 11- year-old, who lives at the apartment complex, that is adjacent to us. Whenever this woman sees me, she makes it very obvious that she dislikes me and has made it loud and clear that I can hear her, that she thinks it's very unfair that the ''children'' (her children included) can't play in the backyard area of the apartment complex that is parallel to my backyard. Since she's never heard my side of the story, it's obvious I have been described as the villian. She gives me harsh looks. If she sees me gardening in the front or back of my house while she's walking one of her children in her stroller, she'll stop and make it very obvious that she's trying to escape my presence by running or walking away to the opposite direction, which oddly enough at times looks sort of funny. Anyway, I don't know this woman, and I try to smile and be friendly though I have never said a word to her. She doesn't know me or my family or the situation from our perspective. I know I can't control how others feel but I do feel sort of odd that this woman is so against me without even knowing me. anon

I used to live in Oakland and had almost the identical situation. My partner and I brought our first home in a 'changing but questionable' part of Oakland. We wanted a good size yard so we could have dogs. Unbeknown to us there was a mom and her 2 kids directly behind us renting who were terrors. Other neighborhood kids would come over also but it was her kids that were the ringleaders. They would yell, throw things at our dogs in the yard, climb up on their garage to get a better shot at throwing things at the dogs. It reached the point where we could not leave the dogs out while we were gone. So much for a nice backyard setting. Confronting the kids did no good, when I confronted the Mom the results were the same, suprise. My fear was that the kids would fall into our yard, the dogs, who were now very agitated with these kids would attack them ( they were 2 labs, not 'normally' agressive at all) and then the city would charge the dogs. We stayed 2 1/2 years and moved. I WISH I HAD CALLED THE POLICE, THE CITY AND EVERYONE ELSE! Do not worry about this new neighbor, everyone knows there is 2 sides to every storey and if she really knows that other woman's kids, then she should know that story. Would do it different now

Wow. I can't even imagine the stress of not getting along with a neighbor. My advice is to do whatever you can to make amends and repair the relationship to the best of your ability. Obviously a lot of damage has been done thus far. Now that a fence has been erected wouldn't it be okay for the children in the apartment complex to play in their own backyard? Perhaps you could start by writing a letter to the mother of those children, expressing your concerns and apologizing for the effect that its had on her family too. Perhaps you could try befriending them, taking them a gift as an offer of peace. In the future, I hope you can recognize that these children were probably looking for attention. The best way to deal with children is to befriend them, invite them over to play, or for ice-cream. Then I guarantee they will be the protectors and not the offenders of your property. This is a sad situation for everyone involved. I wish there was a way for you to make amends. There is an apartment complex behind my backyard as well. I invited the children over to play and I've never had a problem. People are bound to be mad at you as long as you are the reason that children are not allowed to play in their own backyard. Write them a letter. Then think about getting a friend to go over there and make peace with the family. I guarantee everyone's life will improve. You have the luxury of living in a home with a yard. These children don't. And all children need exercise and loving attention. Even 11 year olds. Concerned Mama

Just treat this person as a new neighbor. Don't bring all the other history into it. Say hi if you catch her eye, if not just hold your head high and act no differently around her. You solved the real issue before, now time will let things play out. If you are a normal, decent person, this neighbor will have no ammunition against you and may even question the other neighbor's stories. Or at least, she may temper your benign actions against what the other neighbor says about you.

Overall, I think this falls squarely in the corner of ''her problem.'' You did the right thing before. Let it go, feel no guilt, and do not let any of them intimidate you. Take the High Road

 

Neighbor is sabotaging our condo sale to improve her own sale

Oct 2007

I suspect my neighbor is sabotaging our efforts to sell our home.

I am sure all of you know that it is taking a little longer to sell your home nowadays. In our condo complex, there are 3 other units that are for sale. One is for sale by the owner, and those people are playing dirty to try to get their condo sold and prevent us from even having buyers come and see ours.

I just found out today from my realtor, after an open house attendee told her, that the for-sale-by-owner lady is telling people who visit her condo that our condo is 400 sq ft smaller than hers and not upgraded. Since we are listed at similar prices, she tells them that her unit is a better deal.

In actuality, my condo is on the 2nd floor, has high-end upgrades, fairly new paint, and a better view, and is only 15 (FIFTEEN) sq ft smaller that her condo. All the units in our complex have approximately the same square footage - and everyone who lives here knows it. I CANNOT BELIEVE that my neighbor is blatently lying to people. I've seen pictures of her unit and I am not impressed. I am pretty sure that some people look at her place and think, ''Well, this place kind of sucks and is 1950 sq ft, and if the other place (mine) is 400 sq ft smaller (which it is not) and worse, then there's no point to see it because it is the same price. Why walk to the next building?'' Unfortunately, she is on the first floor in an adjacent building so everyone goes to her place first. She conveniently has open houses the same day and time that we do.

Is there anything I can do about this? Since I didn't hear her directly, this is all hearsay. Why not just let people see for themselves and make their own opinion? Maybe I am paranoid, but I think she may also be telling buyers that we are desparate to sell, or making up some other situation, because one buyer came up today and offered to assume our loan payments and close within 24 hrs to relieve us of our burden! Hello??? This is not the case at all, and I know that anyone who steps foot into my condo will see in a second that my unit is 10 times better than hers.

Are these the games that realtors play? I wonder what the other realtors who have listings in this complex are saying about us when potential buyers come and visit. Isn't there a code of ethics? I know my realtor provides potential buyers with a list of other units in the area and encourages them to check them out. She never says anything negative about other people's listings and always verifies her information. Homeowner who distrusts neighbor

I wouldn't worry that much about a neighbor. What, if any, impact such a person can have would be really insignificant. Buyers are a lot more sophisticated and will more likely check out your place to see if they are really getting a ''Deal''. Buyers basically go off of an MLS to find homes and maybe the neighbor can add a little poison during open house but not for the several other avenues to people finding out about your place. Actually, your neighbor is helping you. That person is actually generating more interest in your place. All this sounds like a desperate attempt of a FSBO (For Sale By Owner) to get his or her place off the market. If it is any consolation, I see over 300 hundred real estate transactions each year, I rarely see a FSBO transaction go well for the seller. What will happen is that a buyer will come in with their agent (a good one likely as this area tends to have a higher standard of care in regards to real estate agents in this area), they will make a great offer, then they will get a home inspector and find problems, then they will bring up other transaction problems, and ultimately whittle down the offer to a ridiculous amount and that seller will not have an agent to negotiate on her behalf. Also, be careful about hearsay. Often things are said to psych out a seller. If the same information about the neighbor came from the ultraistic individual who offered taking over payments, then your neighbor problem likely does not exist. Even if the neighbor said something, it may have been grossly exaggerated by the time it got to you. Correspondence in real estate is like a game of ''telephone'' on steroids. With out revealing my identity too much, my profession puts me at a viewpoint where I watch agents and clients interact on both sides of the transaction. Especially buyers at an open house often retell things, in extremely exaggerated terms. Selling a place is very emotional. That's why we have agents. If that neighbor gets a little power by culling the open house herd, then don't give that neighbor free rent in your head by worrying about it. I assure you; the impact is just not there. Mr. KnowItAll

It sounds like your neighbor is freaking out about not selling her condo - keep in mind that her's hasn't sold yet either, so it is not like her tactic is working. It likely isn't hurting you, it just feels crappy & triggers your fears. Stay positive, keep your place looking great, and respond to even the predatory buyers in a calm and measured fashion. There are a lot of buyers who want to believe they can pick off property at a firesale, but wanting it doesn't make it so - they will however play to your fears, so don't let yourself go to fear, just brush those comments aside. If you can, treat this neighbor with kindness whenever you see her, and say good things about her and her unit. If she has any feelings at all, she'll ultimately feel terrible. If not, you'll still feel better about yourself, and people will notice the difference. Trust your realtor's advice about how to stay competitive. You could ask your realtor to position someone at the curb on Open house day to POSITively direct people to all three units. Buyers want to move into a Positive community! Wanda

Oh come now come now. If someone is serious about moving into your complex, they will visit both places. You will both sell your places one day. Get one of those flyer boxes and put the square footage prominently. Also make sure all those nice things about your place are in all advertising/listings about your place. Your realtor is a professional, they should be able to deal. anon

I can't imagine any realtor doing this. It seems to be an issue with the neighbor, acting out of fear (which I detect a bit of in you?). I say, confront her - not about the facts of how your condos compare, but with the badmouthing. Tell her that you have friends who pop by these open houses, tell her what you've heard, and ask her please don't do it any more. Look her in the eye quietly and wait for a response. Do try to wander into her open houses and just wave and say hi, and if you hear anything else, confront her again. I'll bet she she'll stop after the first confrontation though. Anon

Take some color photos of the nicest rooms of the condo. Make a flier to advertise your condo, put 2 or 3 photos on the flier, put the square footage in large type, also any other info you'd like prospective buyers to have. Ask a friend (or your realtor) to stand out at the street at the entrance to the walkway of the two buildings and hand out the flyer (don't do it yourself, better to appear to remain neutral, less inflamanatory). Have them hand one to every person that comes by. Have them point to your building and say ''It's over there''. Important: don't just leave a stack out there, have a warm body handing them out to make sure they get handed out and not stolen by you-know-who. I'm surprised your realtor hasn't made this flier for you already and handed it out this way. Are you sure you have a good realtor? sick and tired of bad behavior

There are issues around recording conversations (so check what the law allows, e.g., if a hidden video or tape recorder is permissible), but it would be ideal to get solid evidence of the neighbor disparaging your condo; with that in hand you can demand good behavior or you'll sue them out of house and home, so to speak. Homeowner

Angry, hostile neighbor

June 2006

Three years ago a man moved into our apartment complex. From the very beginning there was a lot of fighting in his unit. Once when a car was blocking our parking space we had to go from apartment to apartment to find out who was blocking our space. When we knocked on his door and asked him if he knew, he yelled at us and slammed the door in our face. Ever since then, we've avoided him completely.

In our building, we have large garbage and recycling dumpsters which we all share. Two years ago, the owner of our building started missing payments for the garbage and recycling. In any event, when the garbage and recycling dumpsters are emptied, they don't always get put back. On the days when they aren't put back, we put back the recycling dumpsters since we are the biggest users of the recycling. The other neighbors usually put the garbage dumpsters back since they use them every day.

This all stopped three months ago when somebody started moving the garbage dumpsters into strange places early in the morning after they had been emptied. One dumpster would be placed in our parking space behind our car and another dumpster would be put behind some blackberry vines growing out back. None of our neighbors said anything. We didn't know who was doing it until we got up very early and saw it was the man who had slammed the door in our face.

We really don't know what to do about this situation. We wish we could talk to our neighbors since they also are being affected and have to deal with the blackberry vines on a daily basis. While they are friendly and smile at us and say hello, we can't talk to them because they speak very little English. Also, we definitely don't want to talk to this man because we are afraid of him. Ignoring the problem isn't helping since he is doing this on an almost weekly basis. Asking the owner of the building to pay to put the garbage and recycling dumpsters back, let alone make payments on time for garbage and recycling pickup isn't a solution either. The owner doesn't like to be bothered and pays only as much as she wants. We are worried that this might escalate into something worse. Any advice that might help us would be greatly appreciated Anon 

Given what you said, it seems like it's time to move. It doesn't seem like anything will change in the foreseeable future. There's no reason to have neighbors you can't talk to and deal with on a reasonable basis. Yes, this is the Bay Area and housing is tight, and it might take some time to find a better situation, but it will be worth it. Lori

Just put the garbage can and recycling cans back where they belong, and don't expect anybody else to do it for you, and don't expect any ''fairness'' out of it. This sounds like the least stressful option. The guy sounds psycho,and apparently is looking for negative attention. If you ignore it, and just help out yourself and your other neighbors, maybe he'll grow up a little. Figure that you'll build up some good karma and are making donations into the goodwill bank. You may need to draw from it some day. You might also consider moving

I would move. I think you are right to be scared because it does sound like things are escalating. Ideally, the property owner would make the angry neighbor move, but it sounds like she is not very responsible. Sounds like a bad situation all around, and I hope you can get out of it soon. anon