Grandparents Dislike Their Grandchildren
Archived Q&A and Reviews
Elderly mother who doesn't like grandchild
March 2006
I've read in the archives about grandkids who don't like their grandparents, but our situation is reversed: my 96-year-old mother (frail, but very clear-headed) doesn't like her only grandchild! She was not all that enthusiastic about being a grandmother in the first place, but dutifully saw my daughter a few times a year, baked cookies for her, etc. Now that my mother lives in the same town that we do, and now that my daughter's a teenager, the situation has deteriorated.
My daughter is a little casual in her treatment of my mother (we have talked about this), but my mother can be outright cold to and about her. I know this relates to my mother's own complicated family issues; she tends to view most relatives as all-good or all-bad. My daughter shrugs it off; sometimes I can, too, but it hurts all the same. I stay calm and tell my mother I'm going to change the subject when she says something unpleasant, but it still bothers me when she slams my daughter for some petty reason. (My older brother was in a state juvenile facility at that age.)
This is clearly generation-gap stuff, but I think there's something more as well--jealousy/resentment on her part, etc. Knowing what I do of her family's patterns, I can see that her attitude toward her grandchild is part of it. Unfortunately, bringing up such matters with my mother, however gently, is seldom productive; she is defensive about her family background and about her parental skills. I don't expect her to change--I just want to cope better. Any suggestions from readers who have been in this situation or something similar? Anonymous
I feel for you and wonder how much your mother's attitude takes you back to your childhood - when you may have felt some coldness on her part? My mother also is not a happy grandmother. Despite having six children, she can only have one or at most, two grandchildren over at a time and plops them in front of the T.V. She definitely believed in the ''children should be seen and not heard'' adage. I noticed that a lot of my anger towards her was because I was reminded of how little she nurtured us, protected us, cherished us. I have finally come to accept that she just ''isn't into us'' and let it go at that. I also limit my son's exposure to her attitude - I recommend you do the same. You can't change your mother, but you're right, you can learn how to deal with it and one way is to protect your daughter by avoiding those who should and don't unconditionally love her. anon
I've been in a similar situation to yours with younger children, in relation to my father; he's pretty explicit about his dislike of kids, and makes it clear he'd just as soon see me or my brother on our own rather than with any of his 7 grandkids. He too had a troubled family and upbringing.
My brother used to get very upset about this, but my response has been just to leave my father alone, and not try to make a relationship work that isn't likely to. Some adults are just not cut out to be grandparents. It's sad for the kids, and sad for you, and even sad for the grandparents in a way, but I think it's worse to try to foist the children on them and hope that some grandparentish emotion shows up. At least it my Dad's case it's pretty well a lost cause. And it's hurtful for the children to feel that kind of rejection.
Like your mother, I think, one issue for my father is that he wants more attention for himself. He is not as old as your mother, but in part I just feel: well, fine, that means you will see less of me (maybe twice a year), but maybe when I see you I should just be by myself, and we don't even have to talk about the kids much. I don't see this as 'giving in' to his limitations, but just finding a way to work with them, keep the peace, and stay positive with someone who is aging and frail and not likely to change.
In our family, we do have one other grandparent who is very involved (my mother) and some grandparents at a distance who are half and half -- mildly critical, but send birthday cards. So I guess you try to find a good relation with an older relation where possible, and if there's no one like that in your own family there can sometimes be sort of surrogate grandparents, I've found -- older friends, or parents of friends of ours -- who can have a loving and less complicated relationship that can enrich the lives of the kids. Good luck! I sympathize. anon
I don't know if this helps, but my daughter is an only grand child and her elderly grandparents are very critical and we wouldn't dream of having them watch her, nor would they want to. I don't even try to understand it. I do know they love her very much, but aren't able to show it in a nurturing way. They are in their 90's, and have friends that are active with their own grandchildren. anon
I want to make sure I read your posting right. Your mother is 96 years old? I'm not surprised by her behaviour, and to be blunt, think you might be in a bit of denial about her age finally catching up with her, no matter how lucid she may seem.
My grandmother seemed to have her act totally together, and it was several years before we realized that things weren't totally as they appeared. And we are a very close family that spent a lot of time with her. I think when you see an elderly person often, the changes are gradual and don't make such an impression on you. And also, irrational anger can be a sign of alzheimers.
I think it's unrealistic to try to reason with an elderly person. You're not going to change her at this point and should just try to let it all go as much as you can. anon