Bedtime for Teens
Parent Q&A
Archived Q&A and Reviews
Questions
- 15-year-old secretly staying up late
- Bedtimes - a thing of the past with 'tweens?
- How late do you let your 12-year-old stay up?
15-year-old secretly staying up late
March 2010
I am a single mother, and my son (15) and I have had what always seemed to be a happy home life, and done a lot of harmonious traveling together. But I've also been concerned over the years that he seemed awfully tired--as if he were oversensitive to Life or something. Recently I've been learning that for the last five years or more, he has been politely saying good night... and then spending three hours or more doing other things, until as late as 1:30 a.m.--reading, exercising and more recently, being with friends on his iPod. 1. I know these are not comparatively bad things to do, 2. I know he needs alone time and space for himself to do things separately from me. I am very active and appreciate his independence. But A. I am really shocked by the lying, and for so long, and B. I have no idea how to impress on him the need for sleep. (C. His doing all this in the adjacent room also explains my own restless sleep?) He seems to be telling me that he started lying about it out of a sense of adventure and wanting privacy, and then couldn't stop. ??? But we've talked about it very nicely and then he's lied some more. Help me get a handle on all this? Kind of Stunned About This
Okay so your son was relaxing at night doing things that teenagers normally do. Did he really have to tell you what he was doing? He wasn't breaking any laws, smoking dope, or drinking. He was just doing the typical things that teenagers do. I agree with you he should get a little more sleep but then again how much sleep do teenagers really get? When I was a kid, I was up to 1 am reading, writing, listening to the radio, etc. This was long before we had desktop computers. I don't remember telling my parents what I was up to or them asking me.
My advice is for you to let go. We can't control our kids and if we try, they will rebel and get into all sorts of acting out behavior much worse than the normal activities your son is doing. Maybe you can say gee I'm concerned you're not getting enough sleep. However, don't expect much to change.
If this is unbearable for you, I would then advise you look into getting some counseling for yourself. It's hard to let go of our kids, but it's necessary for their growth and ours. Anon
I agree with the previous poster who said that teens need a private life. I also think it's not really appropriate to have a bedtime for teens.
However, if his lack of sleep is having bad effects on his behavior then I do think you have the right and obligation to step in and help teach him to manage his time.
So if he is grouchy/rude in the am, late to school, not doing am chores, skipping after school activities, or if his grades are slipping, then on nights before school days, when you go to bed, take his phone and the power cord from the computer(s) into your bedroom! (be sure to turn off the phone so you don't get woken up...) Return them in the morning when you get up.
When the behavior improves (which may mean waiting till next report card, or you can check with teachers), give him another chance. Repeat as needed! best wishes
Bedtimes - a thing of the past with 'tweens?
Jan 2010
With our daughter now in 6th grade, it seems like all of a sudden, an enforced bedtime is no longer working. I am wondering what others do about bedtimes, enforcing it (if you do), and how these things change from elementary school to middle school. Our daughter does not handle being tired very well - she loses it easily. At the same time, she sometimes does OK when she's gone to bed later than I feel is right, so I wonder if this is one of those things that I just have to loosen up with and go with the flow. My husband believes in being flexible as long as she is able to handle things in a reasonable manner. Oh yes - she's pulling straight A's in school and doesn't stay up late watching TV/playing video games. It's reading. It's silly to get upset about her reading (I LOVE that she is a voracious reader, of course!) - I'm just concerned about her getting enough sleep and am concerned that I am making too big a deal of this. I know - pick your battles. :-) daughter is growing up
I've been through this with my 3 - now 12, 15, 17 years old. Starting middle school - if they and you can handle it, and you'll know - give them a later bedtime, say during non- school nights first (Fridays-Saturdays, provided there's nothing going on early the next day!). You can also relax your times during special occasions like holidays when there's no school. Give them anywhere from 1/2 -1 hour beyond their previous bedtime hour (this depends on what she's currently used to ). My kids still fight the 'lights out' time occasionally, and the next day admit to wishing they had more time to sleep. My 7th grader is allowed to stay up later once a week to watch Mythbusters, provided he's got his schoolwork done. Make it conditional - it needs to be cool with your expectations (schoolwork is done, grades are acceptable, no behavior issues, reasonable reasons for wanting to stay up later...). It's a time for adjustment, so don't worry about the fine- tuning you'll do. While they may think they can handle changes, you've already experienced how mercurial the results are. They still need lots of sleep, but also should be able to handle a little bit more. Remember, you are the one who can extend as well as retract those extra minutes! Norma A.
I have to chuckle, re the teen bedtimes. it seems like so many parents here just let the kids decide...I just keep thinking of how their frontal lobes aren't developed until they are 18, I think it is, and how we have to be their frontal lobes. My Middle Schooler would stay up late as well reading (I am very very strict on TV etc. here), but she isn't allowed. I tell her: you will go to bed earlier and earlier, until we find a time when you can wake up well at 7 AM to make it on time for music class. Her bedtime is quite early (8:30!!) and she complains that other kids get to stay up til midnight. Midnight????? I was eighteen I think before I regularly stayed up til midnight! New studies just came out how depression is related to not enough sleep, and they need more rest then any other age group. Letting Middle Schoolers choose their own bedtime? certainly not in my house. Call me Old Fashioned
I think 'tweens still need to have some parental control exerted over them on arbitrary things, e.g. bedtime, so you still have some control over them when they're teens. Also, while 'tweens have more sense than your average toddler, they still don't have all that much, especially when they get into power struggles with their parents.
Bedtime can and should be negotiated reasonably, recognizing their growing ability and need to decide things for themselves (i.e., avoiding a power struggle). Once a bedtime regime has been negotiated, you can feel free to encourage your kid to keep to it. John K
Our kids (now both 13 and in the 7th grade) still have an enforced bedtime of 9:00 PM. Our daughter needs 9-10 hours of sleep. Our son doesn't need as much. He occasionally gets up early and reads before the rest of us get up (we don't allow TV or video games before breakfast! :) )
They have to get up at 6:30 on weekdays to get ready for school (their middle school starts at 7:50 AM).
If they have a lot of studying to do and have an afternoon activity like sports, then sometimes they go to bed around 9:30 PM. But we limit ''media'' time (TV or video games) to 30 minutes after school, so they normally have sufficient time to study before dinner.
If they really aren't sleepy, we still have them go to bed and read for 15 minutes or so then it is lights out.
When they were younger, 8:30 was bedtime. When they are in high school, We're expecting it to go to 10:00 PM since they go to school later and will have more homework.
We don't like grumpy kids :)
How late do you let your 12-year-old stay up?
August 2003
I'm curious what other parents out there do about bedtime for 12- year olds. The particular girl in question would love to stay up late and get up late. For school days, obviously, this can't be too late, even though I think school won't start until 8:30 or 9am this year. I have problems knowing what's acceptable, because my natural rhythm is to go to bed early and get up early. I love morning, and I know that's not ''normal''. So, how late do people out there let their 12-year olds stay up on weekdays and on weekends? Help! -early bird parenting a night owl
We try to have lights out for my 12 yr old step-son at 9/9:15pm. He gets up at 7:45 or 8am to leave the house at 8:30am (school starts at 8:50am). He too would like to push his bed time later, but we realize that some of that is a pre-teen power trip. He is constantly pushing boundries. We are quite adament about getting to bed at the same time as the routine is still good for him at this age. Also, since his Dad and I have to get up early and we like to have some time w/out the kids in the evening. To help in transition into sleep mode he gets to read in bed for a half- hour or so. On the weekends he gets to stay up to 10pm at the most. Any later than that we are dealing w/ a cranky kid all day. No thanks. anon
Our soon to be 12-yr-old has a hard time falling asleep. I think he's just a night owl. He goes to bed between 10 and 10:30 weekends and weeknights. Weekends he gets to sleep in, but weekdays, he only gets 8 hours of sleep a night. We have tried getting him to bed earlier but he truly can't fall asleep until around 10:30PM. hope this helps
Everyone we have spoken with about this tells us that a pre- teen/teen's ''clock'' gets set back so that it is natural for them to go to bed later and wake up later. Unfortunately, they still need to go to school, camp etc. We let ours stay up later on Friday and Saturday nights(sometimes even to 11:30) and sleep in. That seems to tire them out a bit, and by Sunday night they are ready to fall asleep around 10:00-10:30 PM (they have to wake up at 7:30 AM). They seem to do well on this schedule, which is good, because we have never succeeeded in getting them to fall asleep earlier, even if they are in bed earlier with lights out. - parent of night owls
I have a 12 yr. old boy and on the w/e's I let him pretty much stay up and watch a couple movies we have rented. I do come out (he stays in the living room during those nights) and have to turn the DVD player/stereo/TV off after he has fallen asleep, but my husband gets up around 4 a.m. so it's not any hassle. I'd say my son goes to sleep probably around 1 a.m. This is only during the summer or on Fri. eve's. We have to get up pretty early on Sun's so Sat. eve. we limit the movie to one with the other two kids we have. It also allows my husband and I to have our own time. During school time he goes to bed no later than 9 p.m. mostly because I have 2 other kids to get up and get ready. And he can ready himself, I wake him up the last. pandm
While it will depend on homework load and any afterschool activities, in room at 9pm (to read or draw or something quiet) and lights off by 10pm should be reasonable. Adjust these times if she is having a hard time getting up in the morning or taking too long to fall asleep at night. LC
I would call Dr. Nick Pakzad at MUIR Pulmonary Critical Care and Sleep Medicine. The front office and Dr. Nick is thorough, kind and considerate.
I changed from California Sleep Center (formerly in Alameda and moved to San Leandro) for my sleep issues. The problems with California Sleep Center were:
1. No one answers the phone or returns calls; and
2. Main doctor spent little or no time with me regarding my problem.
In fact, when I switched from them to Dr. Nick's practice, the staff called to see if they could get some records (I provided them everything that I had) and NO ONE answered the phone for 3-4 days.
Hi,
It sounds like you've been trying lots of things. We looked into a sleep clinic and there was a respected one at UCSF that you need to get on a waiting list for. Instead, we saw Dr. Cooper in Berkeley and she was terrible. It's not worth your time to see her, plus she was humiliating for my daughter. The piece of the puzzle that you haven't addressed is checking to see if there is any underlying medical issue which may be playing a role in her mental health issues. You don't mention if your psychiatrist is more along of integrative care or not. I mention this because sometimes infections (for example lyme disease complex, EPV, bartonella, etc) affect different stages of sleep and can have mental health presentations. So you want to rule those out too as their treatments may affect how she responds to her psychiatric treatments, restorative sleep, and her circadian rhythms. Good luck.
I'm so sorry that your daughter (and you) are suffering. This may not be related, but I highly recommend a new book called Breath by James Nestor. I'm still reading it but based on the studies cited about blocked airways and disturbed sleep I've made an appt for my teen to get evaluation by an orthodontist who specializes in airway disruption (Dr. Ferrari, in Kensington). There's another in Pleasanton, I can find the name if you're interested. Sleep apnea is a real problem, even among young people. After the evaluation I'll see if a sleep study is needed. They rent out the equipment overnight for $250. There are also apps you can use to record her sleep. Good luck!