Adults on the Autism Spectrum

• Husband w/ undiagnosed Aspergers?
• Husband Has Asperger's. Now What?
• Does Your Spouse Have Aspergers, Too?
• Aspergers Husband?
• My adult brother has just been diagnosed with Asperger's

Husband w/ undiagnosed Aspergers?

Jan 2013

My husband's behavior seems to be explained by AS. He's not diagnosed not likely interested in a diagnosis-which he thinks is a way to point him out as ''flawed.'' But I need coping strategies if not marital counseling. I don't think I can push for a diagnosis, but could back him into it gently with the right professional. He doesn't outwardly appear unusual, and his case may be mild, but I've been reading up on AS, finding him well-described in most of the books, and my reactions well described. He's not too physically awkward, but avoids eye contact, admits a lack of empathy (w/no interest in it, even in my or our child's issues). Other haracteristics that fit include tantrums if his plans can't work out his way, stilted or lack of communications, rigid thinking, and huge aversion to change, conversation, and anything w emotional contact or communication. I've been lonely forever. I'm trying to make the best of the bright side (e.g., emotion-free tasks don't usually bother him, and I can make plans w/ our child w/o him since he doens't feel like he's missing out w/o us). But I suffer a lack of intimacy & emotional connection-which may be a permanent-which also affects our sex life. I'm on my own when I'm down or ill. I can't talk to him about anything w/ emotional content. It's not much of a relationship left. We do have fun together sometimes, but I cannot make any progress on intimacy or emotional understanding. His view is that he's made all the changes, and he doesn't perceive me as suffering so much as demanding. Which leaves a void of nothing between us--from my perspective, anyway. I'm pretty sure he just sees me as this roller-coaster of confusing emotions and demands, and he can't understand why I want him to respond to questions and statements (''Was a response required?'' is a response I can barely stand to hear anymore). When he is particularly self-absorbed and I get aggravated, the only solution for me now is to void him my mind until I can let it go. Meanwhile, he doesn't think he is callous, and the lack of family feeling means nothing to him (although any attempt at change or conversation is viewed as criticism). He may see me as cold for the few days it takes me to recover. But each incident erodes my hope. It's also not as simple as just leaving him. Not best for our child (who equally adores & detests him)& not necessarily best for me. I want to be compassionate and careful about my options, but clear-sighted. Unfortunately, communications and emotional connection are fundamental to me. Divorce is not an immediate option (I would prefer not to go that route at any rate). Anybdody in a similar boat?

Asperger's Syndrome is a subject I know something about: Our 24-year old son, a senior at CSU East Bay and an amazing success in life, is ''on the autism spectrum''. He attended Orion Academy, a college-prep high school for A.S. youth, where I came to know dozens of fine young people with diagnoses of Asperger's, NLD, PDD-NOS, and other categories.

Rumor has it that the doctors who are re-writing the DSM-V will be throwing out all those sub- categories and just calling it ''autism''. If this is the case, the unintended consequences will cause havoc in the health insurance and public benefits sectors for years to come.

Based on your description of your husband, I very seriously doubt that he could be diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. He's just too highly functioning. That said, there is a very broad spectrum of normal / neurotypical people who have some Aspie traits. I, myself, when confronted with drama queen - type people, react by channeling Mr. Spock from Star Trek. It never fails to drive them up the wall! Your husband sounds like a member in good standing of the Silicon Valley crowd of engineers and accountants. (Full disclosure -- my degree is electrical engineering,)

My suggestions:

1. Appreciate the good aspects of Aspie-like guys. They are usually loyal and reliable. A female co-worker of my husband had a crush on him and was coming on to him for years, and he never had a clue!

2. Train your husband to do the things you need to feel loved and appreciated. Give him a short list. Yes - putting it in writing may help him absorb the information. For example: a) ''When you come home from work, it will make me very happy if you will give me a good hug and kiss.'' b) ''I expect you to give me a present on my birthday and Mothers' Day. If you don't, I will be upset.''

One of the earliest and best guidebooks for parents of NLD children is titled; _I Shouldn't Have to Tell You That!_

People on the spectrum genuinely don't know what society expects from them. You have to tell them with the ''heart of a teacher''. They often will appreciate being clued in, if it is done with kindness. Snarkiness will defeat your purpose.

Finally, there is an online Asperger's test: http://www.aspergerstestsite.com/ Amelia, not really Ms. Spock

The interpersonal dynamic you are describing is exactly the one I have with my child's father. (And, as far as I've been able to ascertain, the dynamic he has had with his other partners as well.) Important exceptions to the overall similarity (which nonetheless highlight the parallels between his general personality and your husband's) are that my child's father has not bonded with our young child at all, despite having numerous opportunities to do so, and despite the fact that he has maintained a (consistent, though non-conventional) relationship with me. He is not at all antagonistic or cruel to our child; just utterly disinterested and indifferent. I've known this man for over ten years and been in a relationship with him for five, so I've known him long enough, and through enough life changes, to be sure that this is just how he's ''wired,'' and that his behaviors are not specific to his interactions with me. One concept you might want to look into, and which I feel fits my child's father better than an AS or other autism spectrum diagnosis (though I still debate myself about this, and of course he is not interested in seeing a psych professional), is Schizoid Personality Disorder (DSM IV definition) or ''the schizoid position,'' in psychoanalytic terminology. (Note that there is much overlap between these ideas, but they are not identical.) However, diagnostic constructs are fluid, and having participated in an online community of schizoid individuals and their partners for over a year now, I'll tell you that anecdotally, there appears to be A LOT of crossover between varying AS/high-functioning autism diagnoses and schizoid personality. As far as coping strategies for you, I'll tell you that the consensus seems to be that schizoid individuals are *extremely* unlikely to change. In my case, I'm fairly solitary by nature, and have learned to be even more comfortable with emotional distance, since my child's father is not going to change and I don't want to end the relationship yet. The major difference that ''discovering'' SPD has made in my thinking is that I no longer feel personally insulted by his inexpressiveness and lack of consideration for others. (Not a very heartwarming coping strategy, I know.) However, if Asperger Syndrome is a better fit for your husband, I've both witnessed and read about AS individuals making major progress and being fairly motivated to learn behaviors that make life easier for them and their families. The Journal of Best Practices might be a good read. Hopefully that will give you more solutions than I've been able to. You're not alone but I don't have many answers; only ideas about framing the question. anonymous

I divorced my first husband because of a lack of emotional connection and he quite was ''normal'', not Aspergers. I was young and didn't have kids so it was easier. He was a nice guy but kept things on a superficial level. It feels very lonely, empty if you can't connect on a deep level. It was amazing when I finally found someone who I connected with on an emotional and spiritual level. He wrote me poetry, talked about his insecurities and was interested in mine, wanted to know how I was feeling. It's worth finding. If you truly feel you can't get a divorce now, then maybe you should discuss having an open relationship. This is Berkeley after all. I have a friend who has a husband exactly like yours and she didn't want to divorce either. She now has a boyfriend and is happy. Since her husband isn't too emotional, he could handle an open relationship without the jealousy many partners might have. Let your husband know that your emotional needs aren't being met so you want to get them met elsewhere. -you never know until you ask

I feel your pain! I read your post with interest as I feel I am in a similar situation. My significant other also gives the ''was a response required?'' non-response e.g. when I talk about feeling sad about a friend's illness, he does not empathically feel anything, he just is blank, until I hint that he could say something, and he will ask with puzzlement ''was I supposed to say something?'' Or ''tell me what I am supposed to say''. Any emotional topic is uninteresting to him. He says a person can never know another person's situation. When I happily describe something to him, he responds with a fact or says he is uninterested in the topic. For example, when I proudly said my friend was the smartest student in French, he asked ''how can you prove that? Until you prove it, I don't believe that''. He says conversation is a means of exchanging information. I get frustrated as I would like him to follow my train of thought or empathize but he just talks about what's on his mind. He has trouble thinking about the same thing at the same time another person is; it is impossible for him to take on another person's perspective. He does not socialize and our social life would be nonexistent if I did not make an effort to see my friends. In group gatherings, he spaces out and is uncomfortable despite my attempts to facilitate conversation between him and others. He likes routine e.g. he insisted on only seeing me certain days and times of the week for years and he is totally thrown off by a change in plans, becoming confused and angry. Our difficulties increased over time and as our social life stagnated due to his antisocial ways. Otherwise, he is a wonderful, thoughtful, conscientious, hard-working, and loving partner and we have lots of fun together doing activities around shared interests. I do not think his lack of social and communication skills is severe enough for an Asperger's diagnosis but it is annoying and he is not like any other man I have been with! I deal with him by teaching him when he is being inappropriate and telling him point blank what I need, otherwise he would not intuitively know these things. But sometimes I am tired of teaching and coping, and I end up yelling or crying because I do not get my needs met and am not heard and understood. Good luck and I hope that in your case, getting an experienced professional to mediate would decrease both of your frustrations and improve your relationship. Anonymous

I'm sorry, I had to laugh when I read your post. From what you describe, it seems you have a pretty 'normal' husband, the Aspergers thing I found hilarious for some reason. No offense, really, I can totally hear the pain in your post... and that is definitely not funny I'm also a decade into my marriage and have struggled with some of the same dynamic you describe. I also have two very close friends who are in or have been in a similar boat. The first thing I would do is really look closely at yourself. How are you contributing to the negative dynamic with your husband? What issues in your past are being triggered? When a relationship becomes as disconnected as you describe, it is not just one person's fault. There's a dialog happening. I highly recommend that you seek therapy with a therapist specializing in EFT (emotionally focused therapy). I also highly recommend you check out the book ''Hold Me Tight''. It did WONDERS in helping my husband and I recognize our own patterns that shoved us into a downward spiral. More than anything, it returned the sense of hope I had lost in my relationship. Things can get better (but you won't be going anywhere if you simply blame your husband for what's happening). It's no ones' fault, it sounds like you both have pain. Check out the book, it's good, it will help... and stop reading about aspergers, lol Good luck!! Anon (had to laugh)

Husband Has Asperger's. Now What?

March 2012

To the Mindful Poster that responded to ''Marriage on the Rocks'', or ''Marriage -- When to Give Up'', I want to give you a HUGE THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!

I checked out the Podcast link you suggested regarding a husband and wife that suddenly discover that the husband suffers from Asperger's Syndrome. Like the wife on the Podcast, I have been at my wits end and have felt so completely alone and ready to throw in the towel. My husband lacks empathy, has very little or no compassion. He is awkward in social situations. He often insults people without knowing it and then wonders why people are upset. OMG. This Podcast and the quiz were eye opening on so many levels. I now no longer hate my spouse.he just has Asperger's!

So here's the deal. What now? I am reaching out to you, wonderful BPN Community to tell me what to do next. Even though my husband took the quiz on the link from the Podcast (and was almost 100% Aspberger's) we clearly feel he needs to get tested by a professional. So where do we go from here? Check in with our Primary Doc? Sidestep that and head straight to a Therapist that specializes in Asperger's? My guess is that my husband has a lot of work to do on his own, but yet I feel like we have work to do as a couple as well. Not to mention, I feel like I would love to explore a support group of mates that have Spouse's with this Syndrome and the trials and tribulations we deal with on a day-to-day basis. It's no picnic I assure you and I have been flirting with the idea of divorce for a very long time. Net net; we need help.

Luckily my husband is on-board with treatment. Like the Podcast husband, he is almost relieved at the diagnosis. He has been feeling alone and mis- understood his entire life. Thank you again BPN Community. You rock.

That was me who posted about the podcast on Aspberger's (actually there were two of us). Thank you for thanking me. I am thrilled my This American Life addiction has been good for someone. Good luck with the next step. It seems like you guys have a lot of figure out, but knowing what you know about him now will really help. Mariana

http://www.aascend.org/ This organization will offer great support to both you and your husband. Social skills can be learned! Aascend Fan

Does Your Spouse Have Aspergers, Too?

Aug 2011

I really need to find a support group for those of us in committed relationships with adults with Aspergers. Please share your suggestions with me! anonymous

I asked a friend who's a spouse of a person with Aspergers, and here's what she wrote back: The person can write to aspiepartners [at] aol.com to find out when the next meeting will be. So far, the first and last one I attended was in May, and they have not held another for the entire summer. As far as I can tell, it is just a handful of people (all women), who are supposed to meet once a month, but so far have met once in the last four. It seems to currently be the responsibility of one person from the South Bay, and the meetings tend to be held in South San Francisco. A friend

Aspergers Husband?

Dec 2010

My three year old has recently been diagnosed with high- functioning Autism. As I was reading up on challenges he might face as an adult, I looked up ''adult aspergers symptoms'' and almost fell over when it described my husband to a tee. The realization was a bit much to cope with at the time, but now that my head has stopped spinning about my son and his supports are in place, it feels like time to explore what might be Aspergers in my husband. But how to go about doing this for an adult? Who is the qualified person to see? Has anyone themselves or a spouse gotten a later-in-life diagnosis? Was it helpful? Also, do adult evals and services cost a bundle, and is it ever covered by insurance? (Our resources are stretched.)

When I realized that my husband probably has Aspergers, so many of his qualities, quirks and personal challenges -- along with some issues we have in our marriage suddenly made sense. His father and his family's dynamic suddenly made more sense too. (I think his dad definitely has Aspergers.) My husband is struggling right now at work with some organizational issues and he becomes obsessed with the details when it's not what's always required. Are there people who offer career/personal coaching or advice or therapy to adults on the spectrum? I also think he's struggling with bottled up anxiety and I don't know how to help him.

There may be a lot of healing and understanding that could happen in his own family as a result of uncovering and sharing this, but is that opening a can of worms (aka unintended consequences)?

I'd appreciate any insight, resources, groups, stories. I'm in very uncharted waters right now and I want to help my guys be happy, fulfilled and connected. -Anon

Our bright, quirky 15 yo. son was dxd with Aspergers at 8 yo. by a wonderful developemental psychiatrist in Los Altos who helped us place the right supports in place (with great results). Please check out www.teachsocial.com, its an incredible wealth of information for families of kids & adults with developmental disorders.The social thinking guru behind it is Michelle Garcia Winner, she has a ton of resources- books, a blog, workshops are amazing! It's tough living with our guy but he makes life so interesting..to say the least! Good luck BTDT AS Mom

A friend of mine knows the people who put this site together and she says they are amazing people. Hope this is helpful. http://www.asperger-marriage.info/ Lisa in Oakland

My brother was diagnosed with Asperger's as an adult, and it was an Aha moment when my mom told me. My mom and I speculated that my dad has Asperger's too, though he has not been diagnosed. Well of course! So much makes sense with a name. But that is so for my mom and me--not for my brother.

Note that I said when my mom told me, not my brother. He still will not talk about it, feeling deep shame (he's always had a terrible time with shame). He and I both had learning disabilities as kids and had to go to the tutor together. So mow I connect with him through that shared experience, not through his diagnosis.

Check out the book, Neurodiversity, by Thomas Armstrong. Very interesting reading. I gave my bro the magazine synopsis, and try to talk to him about the value of some of his peculiarities--but without pathologizing them at all. But I don't think he'll ever turn around and talk to me about this. It's just not his way. But that's fine with me.

Your husband might well have a very different feeling about it since your son has been diagnosed. And maybe that is a way the two of them can grow as father/son, by working together. But tread carefully, lovingly, and respectfully. Not same boat but same river

My adult brother has just been diagnosed with Asperger's

May 2008

My adult brother has just been diagnosed with mild Asperger's Syndrome. This is something I have long suspected. But it is a surprise to him, and what's worse, it's an embarrassment. I would like to help him find some relief and comfort in knowing more about himself, and also advice on how to interact better more mainstream people. I keep thinking that if he was a kid, there'd be playgroups and all kinds of ways to help him overcome his awkward social abilities. I am wondering if anyone out there can help me find books and webesites about how to deal with such a diagnosis as an adult, and good ideas about how to move ahead and live a more integrated life. Thank you. anonomous

Two websites I know about are http://www.wrongplanet.net/ and http://www.asperger.net/index.htm The first is run by people with Asperger's and the second is run by the Autism Asperger Publishing Company. Nancy

asperger's is difficult regardless of the age. as much of a shock it is to your brother, it's good that he was diagnosed. he can better understand why certain things are so very difficult for him (and that it's NOT his fault) and get the help he needs. have you ever read ''born on a blue day'' by daniel tammet? if not, read it and if you like the book have your brother read it. i've read a lot of books on asperger's and found daniel's book very inspiring. good luck nancy

This isn't exactly what you're asking for, but I was really inspired by the autobiography Born on a Blue Day, by a young man with Asberger's, Daniel Tammet. He is also a savant, which is something totally else, so it may not be interesting in that respect to your brother. But it may help you, if not him, in understanding something about how another person with this way of thinking thinks. It's also inspiring in what a man can do to work with the challenges.