how to parent a 17yo around alcohol

That’s a tough one considering the independence part.   But I’m not sure this is the way to do it.  Adult “hosted parties” are against the law.  This won’t be the only party I bet.  Eventually, the law catches up with the adults, or the kids wind up getting DUI’s or getting killed in a wreck.  It could be an tough & decision expensive lesson to learn… I’d set some ground rules about drinking and driving- and say these people are probably fun but they won’t be there if something  happens.  

I am not very impressed with the girlfriend’s parents offering alcohol to minors. Unfortunately that is likely out of your control. What I always told my son is that if you drink or do drugs don’t drive. Call me and I will pick you up and I will not be mad at you and you will not get in trouble. You really have to mean it. Secondly I encouraged him to use Uber. To this day he and his friends use Uber or BART or one person agrees to not drink. Not that he didn’t overdo it sometimes in college but then he just walked back to his dorm. This is a really hard part about being a parent. The important thing is you want him to be able to talk to you without you freaking out. It is also OK for you to express what you are concerned about but it’s best if you can do it respectfully adult to adult (I know it is hard to see him as an adult but he is almost there). Best wishes to you.

While I come from a family of people who would rather indulge in eating sugar than in drinking alcohol (and find it just doesn't taste good after one or two drinks), I completely understand your concern. Alcohol is readily available to teens regardless of rules. I know this from personal experience, as I had my first tastes of alcohol at age 13 or so, and drank "socially" through jr high, high school and college (and lied to my parents about it), and as an adult with having a few glasses of wine here and there because I like the taste. Perhaps the parents of the girlfriend were treating them with respect as young adults, implying that they know they could have access to alcohol whenever they wanted but trust that they have "good judgement" and are going to be mature and enjoy a drink in a social situation but not over do it? My question to you was, what was your observation of their behavior? Did these young people drink responsibly by only having a little bit and not get "hammered"? As a parent, I think the guidance needed is to ensure young people understand what "responsible drinking" looks like - drinking moderately, not driving after drinking, always having a designated driver who doesn't have any alcohol at all, discussing the short and long term health effects of alcohol, especially binge drinking, negative outcomes of people who eventually become alcoholics, etc. My kids are now 22 and 26 and definitely "partied" in college and maybe a little in high school, and aside from having parents who were good role models as super moderate drinkers, they were well versed in being responsible drinkers. Now they barely drink alcohol, to the point where with my son especially, he will order a drink, he has a few sips, then doesn't drink it all, and it sits on the table and ends up getting thrown out. So I think your best bet is to open the lines of communication to have good conversations about being a responsible drinker, safe behavior, living a healthy lifestyle, etc. If in the long term you observed poor behavior, or alcoholism became a concern, I would find a doctor who would be interested in prescribing Naltrexone, which has been shown to amazingly decrease the craving for alcohol, which when taken before drinking, will allow the person to have a drink but then not really want more than one drink. I have read a lot about it and am amazed that it is not used as a first resort for alcohol abuse treatment.

This is always tough to navigate having an just turned 18 year old myself. Harm reduction is great place to start. And setting rules that also reduce probable harms is the job. First I would contact those parents and tell them that under no circumstances are they to serve or allow your child to drink while at their house. Second I would be absolutely clear with your kid they cannot drive to parties where they intend to drink. Either drive them or get them a Lyft. Perhaps coordinate with other parents. He doesn’t get to set the rules while he lives in your home. I assume you pay the car insurance at the least so nothing to argue about here. 

It seems to me that a big part of the focus of your conversations here should be the immediate risks of drinking (getting into situations where you think consent isn't important, serious and unacceptable risks of driving drunk) in addition to the more long term risks of addiction.  I have a lot of conversations with my kid about drinking and how normalized it is and how dangerous and potentially powerful an addiction it can be. This is a frequent conversation in our house. 

I would expect to have a very serious conversation with my kid about a firm zero tolerance policy about drinking and driving. Something like, "look, we don't approve of drinking, we've talked about the reasons we don't think it is appropriate for teens to drink. But I need to be very clear that if you are going to drive, you need to understand that as a firm commitment that you're not drinking (or smoking weed) at this party. This isn't something where we're going to be offering second and third chances. You will be relinquishing your provisional drivers license the first time you drink and drive. Full stop." You might want to figure out a plan B, like that if he does choose to drink he can call and you'll come get him. You're not going to be angry with him for making the responsible choice. 

So there are kind of two conversations here: 

1. Drinking is very normalized but that doesn't mean it is harmless. Lots of people make very poor choices about alcohol consumption.  
2. Hard and fast zero tolerance policy on drinking and driving. 

Hi, there! I would like to chime in, as the mother of a now 19-year-old, whose father is a recovered/recovering alcoholic. Alcohol was the thing I most feared my child experimenting with, as, like their father, they have a very anxious temperament (from what I've read, anxious folks are more likely to become addicted to alcohol because of the way it relieves symptoms over the short-term, but increases anxiety over the long term). My child has no interest in alcohol, and actually played the role of responsible care-taker of their friends at parties they went to where alcohol was available, throughout high school. Here's how their father and I handled the issue:

1. We were dead honest. I bluntly told my child what I feared and why. I did not euphemize, but I didn't hyperbolize either. I explained the scary cycle that can lead a person prone to anxiety into alcohol addiction.
2. Their father was very honest and blunt in describing his struggles with alcohol, and how awful it is.
3. We never forbade them to drink, and did the same things other parents have done here for the sake of harm reduction (promised to pick them up any time of day or night, just don't drink and drive, or get into a car with a driver who has been drinking.)
4. Answered any and all questions they had about ANY alcohol, drugs (including nicotine). Again, never forbade them anything, outright. Just discussed what the risks are, and what our fears were.

My kid is now an honest, trustworthy college student, double major in science. They've never had a drink. They are not interested, as they've taken our cautioning and conversations seriously. I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

Oh, I wanted to add one more thing: we also expressed a great deal of trust in our child--that we trusted them to make good choices. Kids tend to want to live up to their parents trust and good opinion, so I definitely employed that as a strategy.

I always told my daughter that one side of her family is all alcoholics and teetotalers and the other side of the family is all moderate drinkers, and I didn't know what set of genes she got. I asked her to keep that in mind when opportunities for drinking came up and to remember that the later you start drinking the less likely you are to become an alcoholic. I repeated this as often as the subject came up. So far, so good: She's 20 and at college, and while there was some underage drinking it was infrequent and modest. She views herself as someone who will more often than not be the designated driver. Good luck!

One flag I wanted to raise, which it sounds like you're already aware of, is that genetic predisposition to addiction, and alcohol addiction in particular, is very real and makes a big difference.

My partner and I will regularly share a tall boy after work. I think that's ¾ of a beer each. And then we're done. Our child, who is adopted and has a family history of alcoholism and substance abuse, discovered booze when he got to high school and was quickly all in on it. He expressed genuine surprise that we didn't just keep drinking until all the liquor in the house is gone -- the idea of stopping at one drink made absolutely no sense to him. Thankfully, he had a few back to back experiences that were not life altering but did convince him that he just cannot drink alcohol. 

This is just one more anecdata point, but when folks are saying "teens all drink and it levels out; he'll be fine" you should trust your gut and your own experience. 

I’m curious what you think about your son’s judgement in other areas of his life? It sounds like he is open with you — it’s great that he told you about the party and the poor judgement of the adults hosting the party, and I’m curious if he was telling you with the perspective of “isn’t this insanely risky of these adults?” 
Every teen is different, and every teen is often still the person they were in elementary school and middle school. what is his risk tolerance in general? Is he a thrill seeking, high stimulation kind of person? My teen is very risk adverse, and when I would ask him about alcohol use among his peers (a great proxy for “are you drinking?” he would speak honestly about his take on the decisions and behaviors around substances that his friends were making.

That said, if drinking were likely in the picture (eg, the bonfire party) I would firmly insist on brainstorming safe options for transportation.

This is in many ways similar to talking with your kid about birth control and STI prevention with his new partner. You can support his independence and also say “I want to set aside some time to talk about x y and z — when can we do that?” And then be able to say “I’m  concerned about x y and z (drunk driving, bad decision making while under the influence of substances) — tell me what your take is on this, what thoughts have you had and what plans have you put in place? What kinds of good and bad decisions have you seen your friends making around this?”

It’s not easy to do any of this, but you sound like you have a really good foundation for getting it done! Good luck. 

Those parents were ignorant fools. I see on BPN all the time the idea that teen drinking and substance use is inevitable and far more widespread than they actually are nowadays. Kids are having much less booze, drugs, and sex than they used to. The SF Chronicle has had recent articles about Gen Z's very negative perception of alcohol. It's ok to discourage him from drinking. It's OK to acknowledge that sooner or later he'll probably try it, but you encourage later, and now is too soon. The more that brain matures before he tries drinking, the more judgement he'll have to keep from doing something stupid (particularly if he has a history of social issues). All that said, emphasize that if he's ever in a situation where he needs a ride, he gets one with your gratitude that he called you.