Seeking peace oriented martial arts for a young teen

Many martial art forms focus heavily on self-control, integrity, discipline, building strong moral character and avoidning violence except when necessary for self-defense. Maybe look into Tai Chi or Qigong - martial arts that revolve around creating harmony and balance. Emphasis on meditation, flexibility and channeling one's energy. Another possibility is capoeira which blends acrobatics, martial arts and music.  I don't have any personal recommendations but I'm sure you'll find many options in Berkeley & Oakland. 

I've studied various forms of martial arts over many years.  Unfortunately, not in the Bay Area, so I can't recommend a specific school.  But it sounds like you might interested in Aikido.  No kicking or punching.  More "soft" throws , rolls and immobilizations.  Uses the opponents momentum.  Highly focused on practitioners internal "ki" or internal energy/spirit.  Is non-competitive.

Kayla Feder's Aikido of Berkeley on University Avenue near Sacramento has a children's program as well as an adult program.  Aikido is the gentle martial art of self-defense which emphasizes blending with the energy of the attacker. I studied with Sensei Feder for many years. Her children's program is remarkable. Many of my fellow Aikidoka were adults who began in the children's program. Aikido is non-violent and changed my opinion of martial arts as seen in the violent popular movies of the day.

I have a second-degree black belt in Aikido, and as I moved away from that practice I found myself sorry that I invested so much time there. I stayed in mostly for the community -- they're real nice folks! I don't know your son's perspective, but I value martial arts for... well, their martial aspect, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's what's attracting him. Generally speaking, at least in the US, the Aikido culture is very much focused on peace and harmony and to some extent, meditation and body awareness, with hardly any focus on the martial side. I agree with you that we would not want to promote violence, but when you say that you don't want anything that even remotely supports toughness... The "toughness" construct is at least somewhat conceptually related to strength as well as the kind of self-efficacy required to neutralize an aggressor, and that's a huge part of what makes martial arts attractive! Most of the Aikido communities I've visited and been a part of over my career barely even gave lip service to these latter values. I value martial practice, and I would recommend to anyone interested that they start with an art that starts there as opposed to starting with peace and harmony. And as part of that, interview the teaching staff and the students to be sure that the school itself is kind and doesn't glamorize violence. As one parent pointed out, there are a lot of arts that promote discipline and don't glamorize violence. It does depend a lot on the school. There's nothing wrong with peace and harmony -- we all need that. But I've found that, for the most part, the arts that are all about harmony, tend not to be martial.

I practiced Capoeira for several years and both my sons did as well. I think your son would find it very fulfilling. While it is a "marital art" it was designed to be a "hidden" one in that only the moves are practiced and the emphasis is on the dodging of kicks and punches, not the connecting- making the fight look like a "dance". In addition, Brazillian traditional music is taught and everyone plays instruments and sings the songs, adding to the "secret" training-- in Brazilian cotton plantations, the slaves practiced capoeira to keep fighting skills sharp but had to disguise it as a party - with singing and music because fighting was not allowed in slave camps. Like traditional martial arts, the moves are essentially the same - using body weight and strength- and there is an emphasis on respect and building confidence as an individual, though possibly lacks some of the meditation you might find in a martial art from Asia. I have never practiced anything else, but it was a great experience in my life. 

I have been out of practice for awhile, but there is a place I noticed on San Pablo and University that says it is a Capoeira studio. 

Hello! All 3 of my kids (ages 9, 14 and 16) go to Studio Naga and practice an Indonesian martial art called Poekoelan. It’s very self defense-oriented and while it is a martial art and teaches punching and kicking, the emphasis is never on violence or macho toughness. There’s a good deal of instruction around leadership, discipline, and self determination. We have been really happy there. Been coming for 11 years!