Mom of toddlers struggling to do it all

Are you stressed because of all the stuff you feel you have to do that isn't spending time with your kids? Household management, etc.? If that is the case, then you should stay in your job, and your family should use its money to outsource the household management. That way, when you are off work, you can 100% just be there with the kids. 

How do you split the household and life work with your partner? Do they feel guilt and FOMO over the few hours you both have with the children? 

I don't know your situation (maybe you're independently wealthy), but I would not quit my job because if anything happened to my partner or our marriage, I would be fucked. My best insurance and safety net, for myself and my family, is my ability to earn a living.

If you are sad and stressed now, and you value having an intellectual outlet and structure, I am not sure you would be more happy without a job. I think you may then just be differently unhappy. Maybe time to talk things through with a therapist?

Hi,

I'm sorry you are struggling and I can relate to much of what you said. My kids are 3 and 6 FWIW, and I do think these ages are noticeably easier than like a year ago at 2 and 5. Given everything you described, I would try to go part time and either take a day or two off a week or end my day very deliberately at like 2 or 3 PM if your employer can be flexible in that way. If they won't do it, then I think you should consider taking a couple years off to get through these more difficult years. I don't think two years out of the workforce is a big deal. It's very explainable and won't put you very behind. You've put in 5 solid years and it sounds like you'll be able to get a great recommendation from your employer or even go back there. You're really articulating a strong desire and rationale to be with your kids more and were I you, I would follow that instinct first however it has to happen.

I grew up in Latinoamérica. My siblings and I had a wonderful nany. It was other times and another culture where that was the way middle class behave. I have grown up kids and it was so stressfull to raise them here without real help and no family. You said you are financially stable, so if you have enough money, get the help you need, someone who will clean at least once a week and do your laundry . Someone who can prep healthy dinners that you can reheat or finish with the help of the kids. All that time that you don’t have to spend doing household work, you can dedicated to the family ( including date nights with your partner)

If you have the money, it is a matter of not feeling guilty and reorganize yourself with different set of rules…

Do not quit your job just focus on having quality time with the family.

Came to say the same thing! Caring for children, keeping your household running, and cooking for the family are three full time jobs in themselves.  If your job's money is bonus for your family, use it to buy yourself time.  Outsource everything- get someone who comes in for an hour daily and cleans so you don't have to do the dishes.  Get homemade dinners delivered (I have loved food from Rachel Berinsky http://essberkeley.com/?page=contact).   If you think your older kid would benefit from more time at home, hire a nanny or get an au pair who can let her hang at home more (this is what I've done for my kid, and it has gone a long way, even though I'm not with her for those hours).  I am a way worse mom when I don't get out in the world and do grown up work and it sounds like you might be the same.  Don't underestimate how much being a happy and fullfilled complete person makes you a better mom.  

I agree with a lot of what the previous poster said.  I don't think it's a good idea to quit a job you love just because you feel guilty about not spending enough time with your kids.  If you have the resources, outsource as many non-kid related tasks as you can. Maybe more frequent house cleaning?  Focus more on quality of time with your kids rather than quantity.  What about the time you spend together as a family on the weekends?  Probably a good idea to talk to a mental health provider about the source of your mom guilt and how to let it go. 

If you feel your mental load between you and your partner is imbalanced, you might like to check out Fair Play (https://www.fairplaylife.com/).  There's a book, documentary, and card game about rebalancing household chores and mental load in an equitable way. Even if you earn less than your partner, your time is not less valuable. 

Nothing to add that would be helpful, but I wanted you to know that I am very much in a similar boat.  In a perfect world, I would quit my job and spend time with my kids; and then once they “didn’t need me” anymore, I could just go back to work.  Though I like my job, I love my kids and spending time with them more; and the only reason I’m still working is for my future self.  But present self is sad and wants more time with these quickly growing, beautiful children.  It’s so hard.

This might not be possible with your employer, but I went part-time during COVID and never returned to full time and it has been the best decision ever. I spend way more time with my child and know I can go back full time if I ever need to and I don't worry about intellectual atrophy. If you've had this career 5 years, your job likely knows how valuable you are (it's expensive to hire new people and have turnover!) and you can afford to get paid less (sounds like you can) then a part-time, remote, flexible job has pretty much been ideal for us in a similar situation. If they're hesitant, maybe you can frame is as temporary and then they can see how well it works or go from a "leave" of some sort where you're totally off (if you had a reason for that) to coming back part time and slowly let that be the situation. I know it's hard for some part-time people to create boundaries and they end up working full-time for less money, so you just need to know what sort of a "boundaries" person you are or make sure that you have specific "off days" if you struggle with this. This time is fleeting with our kids and I never regret having more time with my kid, but at the same time, it really seems like something special to have a work from home, flexible job that pays well, so I would do what I can to keep one foot in it unless you feel confident you could get something like that back someday. 

Gosh, I can relate to everyone you said here. I too had a very specialized career, and I need a LOT of intellectual stimulation in general. Prior to having a child I always was completely independent from my partner ready to make it in the world solo. I had the choice to stop working when my child was born. It was an extremely difficult choice but I left my job and I am so happy to be having this intimate time with my child and extended family and friends that will never be available after the time is passed. My rare job setup will be difficult to find again, but unlike the childhood years it’s not impossible. This is such a personal choice and I am not recommending my exact steps, but thought I would lend my thought process in case it’s useful. Of course I miss using my brain amongst intellectual collaborators sometimes, but I’ve found engaging things to be involved with in my communities. I loving having the bandwidth to forge strong relationships with other families and bring people closer. I do look forward to returning to work but life is long and I am not rushed. I found my way to my niche career once so I feel emboldened that I can do it again (even though it feels scary. it was scarier the first time!). Here’s another perspective: I am from a culture where families go all in fully committed, and together they are stronger than each individual. We American women are bombarded with messaging that we must do it all, and do it independently, or it’s unfeminist or sloppy or a bad future investment. I am taking wisdom from both my heritage culture of collectivity and my born-culture of American hyper-independence and carving a middle path. It took my a long time to get here, but now I see there’s a huge amount of pressure for women here to be a certain way, and I was responding to that pressure unconsciously. 

Have you considered working part time?  I bet you have looked into this with your current employer—but if it’s not possible with them, maybe you can casually (in your ample free time) look around for a new job where this is possible.  

I did this when I was also considering leaving the workforce and I’m very happy with the decision. I work 60%, meaning I get two days at home. I didn’t start the new job at 60%, but once I had the offer I asked questions to HR and other employees if they had other folks on part time schedules and if the company was supportive of that, and flagged to my future manager that I was interested to gauge her reaction. The first job they I could tell they kind of freaked, so I didn’t take that one! And the second time, everyone was super supportive. I certainly felt vulnerable asking any questions indicating work wasn’t absolutely my 100% priority at all times :D but the security of having an existing job helps with the bravery to ask about what you really want!  I went down to 80% after 6 months on the job and 60% after returning from maternity leave with my second. 

I find 60% is a great way to keep my career on simmer and still have time with my kids. I wish you the best of luck navigating this system that is not set up to support working parents!!!! 

Can you ask your employer for a part-time schedule? I recently went to 20 hours a week. We still have full-time daycare, but I can pick up early or drop off late. It makes running the house, sick days and getting dinner on the table far more manageable. Plus I still get to use my brain and pursue meaningful projects. I've found employers are more happy to pay for fewer hours. 

As a Mom I think it is incredibly common to feel guilt when you are not with your little kids. I know for me it was almost primal. But you can also recognize that your kids are loved, happy and well cared for. Part of the challenge is giving yourself permission to be a dedicated working mom and knowing that your kids will be fine. I always reminded myself that I was showing my kids a good example of a working woman and that was an important role model I wanted them to see. I get the sense that it is your mental framework that is making you unhappy, that you are punishing yourself for working. If you can change that framework it may give you space to decide what you really want to do more objectively. 

Another thing to keep in mind is that your oldest is close to school age. In a few years both kids will be in school. What is your vision for those years? 

Finally, I wouldn’t fear leaving the workforce for 2-3 years. I didn’t so I don’t have direct advice and you may not get the exact amazing set up you have right now but a short break shouldn’t derail your entire career and you have a safety net if it takes a little longer to find what you want. 

If you put the guilt to the side - what is it you really want to do? 

 

Hi - thank you for sharing your story. 

My kids are now 12, 14, and 16.  I have worked outside the home the entire time while we've been raising them - though I did take nearly a year off when each one of them was born (essentially therefore truly slowing down my career for 5 years - the two years in between I didn't do much).  Here is how I navigated this - may be very different than what you're thinking - this is just one example. 

1.  I truly accepted the principle that my kids are much better off when I'm working outside the house than not.  This is for many reasons.  As you have done, I also heavily invested in myself, including my education.  I did not believe that having kids meant that 'I was done'.  I loved my job - and I wanted to keep going.  More importantly though - me being happy gave my kids a much higher chance to be happy. I felt that them being watched by others 50 hours per week was GOOD for them.  I felt that the nannies / daycares / au'pairs were able to offer better activities than I could.  I felt like I was too selfish to create magical days for them in the forrest which they got while at pre-school.  I also knew that when I was young I get very little attention and I don't believe it's a bad thing.  I want my kids to build resilience and independence - which for me meant that they didn't always need to be with one of their parents. This meant that I got rid of the guilt - my children live a very nice and privileged life - better off than 90% of the world's kids.  They have two parents who are married and love each other and love them dearly and are well cared for
2. We had rules at home:  no more than 50 hours ever of care (unless in the evening when kids are asleep) - it was really important for both my husband and me to have mornings and evenings with the kids and weekend days as well.  Which meant that we didn't get to do our own hobbies (golf, tennis, we thought about sailing) during the weekends - we dedicated that time to our family.  Same with evenings before bed time.  
3. We outsourced everything...cooking for the kids, cleaning, errands esp.  This allowed for more time with the kids.  
4. We traveled extensively as a family.  When they were younger and we were were earlier in our careers - we couldn't do as much travel - but still did travel several weeks per year even when kids were 2, 4, and 6.  We always felt that these trips truly bonded our family. 

5. My husband fully supported my career and we have been ruthless in splitting family responsibilities.  At some point we used Fair Play products - but generally this is key.  He also manages a really high-pressured career (works at start-ups) but prioritizes life at home. 
    

   This is all pre-pandemic - we needed to commute to work which also took extra time.  I feel like having a very flexible job that you love is a dream and one that I wouldn't easily give up.  My kids are all well-adjusted and doing OK.  My career really took off where I am now at the top of my profession which allows me for much greater flexibility and autonomy.  For example, my oldest daughter is at a dance camp at University of Michigan right now and she just texted me how she wishes that I was there for the final performance (this Saturday). I just cleared my calendar for Friday and will hop on flight to surprise her on Saturday and fly back home with her.  I love that my two daughters have an example of their mom working and being completely independent - I would be able to take care of our whole family without and issues if something were to happen.  I like that feeling.  I like to keep growing and learning.  I like to share that experience with my kids.  
   
   One other thing - the time goes by VERY fast.  I think it's critical not to 'stop' life while the kids are young - whatever passions and likes and desires you had prior to the kids - they are still there.  Kids will eventually leave (I only have TWO years left!) and I believe that having my own life and nurturing it while raising them is critical - having friends, focusing on my husband, my career, etc...these are my things and I am still a human with needs and wants and desires.  These things need to get me through life overall.  Otherwise kids will take everything from you and I don't know whether that's actually good for them.  

I sympathize! Is dropping down to part time (even temporarily) an option for you? Many parents at my work place have done that when their kids are young (usually 60 or 80%), and I am planning to do that too when I return to work in a few months (I’m currently on parental leave). I’m hoping it will provide more of a feeling of balance. I know that it has been really helpful for some of the other parents I work with.

I struggle with all of this as well--and I don't know a working mom who doesn't, even those of us who love our careers. There are a few books I've read that have helped me a lot recently:

I Know How She Does It by by Laura Vanderkam - this is admittedly a book for a very small slice of the population, but I suspect that like me you're in it. It features real-time diaries of working moms in senior positions who make at least $100K and pulls out themes of how they effectively manage their time. Two big takeaways for me were 1) outsourcing (what can you pay someone else to do to take something off your plate--meal delivery and prep services for example) and 2) reframing (how can you think about getting in quality time with your children through daily life--involving them in chores, engaging with them during commutes, etc.). She also talks a lot about embracing your privilege and any flexibility you have in your job, which was huge for me... it sounds like you are aware of the flexibility you have but I wonder if you could be even more creative with it. It may be worth reading the book because there are a ton of examples of creative schedules. 

Hunt Gather Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff - looking at how parenting happens in other cultures and the value of involving kids more in daily life. This was another one that was helpful for me to reframe the way I spend time with my toddler daughter. Like, I don't have to be playing with her to be spending time with her. I also allow myself to think of just being with her as spending time with her--oftentimes I will do my own project (reading, housework, a craft, etc.) while she works on an art project or puzzles in the same space as me. We engage with each other but each do our own "parallel play" so I get things done AND feel close to her. It also shared some good evidence-based reasons why kids spending time with non-parents in groups can be beneficial for them. 

Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski - exploring evidence-based reasons for why we feel burnout and how to effectively manage stress (and why the stereotypical notions of "self-care" through spa days and skincare regimes don't really work to manage long-term stress). Again this was a super-useful way for me to reframe why I feel pulled in so many directions and focus on how to relieve stress, which makes me better at managing my time.

I also find talking with other working moms to be helpful. Even though we all value our jobs (whether for personal fulfillment, saving the world, providing for our family, etc.) there are always challenges. In so many ways we are operating in an unnatural environment so relying on your village to commiserate guilt-free and share feelings is also super valuable. 

So much of what you wrote I relate with.

Is part-time consulting in your current field an option? I started doing a side contract for about 10 hrs/quarter. After a year, I built enough of a relationship with the client that they gave me about 10-20 hrs/wk. I added a couple of others clients which give me 5-10 hrs/wk. I don't consider myself entrepreneurial at all, but I've ended up building my own business doing similar work that I was doing full-time previously. I don't earn as much as I made full-time, of course, but there is substantially less stress in the household when childcare is closed, camp starts an hour later, or unexpected things happen. I am no longer folding laundry or chopping vegetables while on work calls, and that's huge. We don't have family in the area and my partner travels about 1-2 weeks a month, so me being more present for my kiddo is invaluable.

If not part-time consulting, think about what other creative ways you can still be intellectually engaged and not lose all the hard work you put into your career while still being the parent you want to be. It doesn't have to be black and white, full-time or stay-at-home, there are options in between.

Do not leave your job! I would describe myself as similar to you (not enterprising, struggle without structure, semi-specialized job) and I have found re-entry (after losing that job years ago) to be incredibly difficult. Do not recommend. If I were in your situation, I would try to find a job based on your current experience that would allow you to stay in the workplace, but with fewer hours. Or, maybe you can negotiate with your current great job to move to a more flexible schedule, 4 days a week or shorter days. 

Stay-at-home parenting has no structure at all. It is made up - 100% - of random and endless tasks on behalf of others that no one notices or recognizes unless they go undone. Yes, there is a unique opportunity to connect with your children during the extra time in the day. But the result of one parent having that extra time is that the parenting in the household becomes unbalanced between partners. Additionally, the kids often end up with a perception of the stay-at-home parent as being a kind of punching bag that they don't see in a position of respect in society. It feels very last century. 

If you can do it, I would try working part time. It sounds like financially you can, but your company also needs to agree. I have been working anywhere between 80%-20% since my first was born 15 years ago (currently working 50%) and it makes life so much easier and more enjoyable. I have the intellectual stimulation and contact with colleagues, but also time for the kids and for me. I know that I am very fortunate to have a work situation that is really flexible and understanding and many companies don't. Perhaps you could find another similar job that would be OK with you working part time? (I work for UC which is generally more flexible than for-profit companies.) I tried not working at all but found it increased my isolation and I didn't fill my days with fun projects. I just got more stressed and depressed.

I am sure you will get many responses, but I will throw my experience in for your reflection.  It is so hard to find something that gives one a personal sense of satisfaction, and it is great that your current position gives you that.  I had a job I loved, a husband on the fast track to sr. executive a small child I loved more than anything, and a household that was a wreck (that impacted my family).  I chose to get domestic help and keep my job.  I was able to enjoy my daughter when I was with her and she learned that it was not just mom who could provide for her. I was able to not loose myself and since I was able to outsource all the domestic work to keep the house going (I never liked it anyway), it was the best of all worlds. It was humming along fine for 4 years till it was time for her to go to kindergarten.  That is when I moved too consulting and was there to support her fully.  Being expected to sit still for hours, navigating the social structure of a large class and having to prescribe to more of a schedule was hard for her and I did not want her in before and after care.  It was very difficult giving up my job and when I reentered the work force full time 5 years later it was HARD!  That was when I lost myself and became "so and so's mom" after being me for so long.

So what I want you to ask yourself is am I still going to be able to carve out time away from my family to be me, and will I be resentful for giving up something I truly enjoyed and got satisfaction from?  Being a full time mom is really, really hard.  Harder than outside jobs for sure.  Realistically once you leave it will be hard to return.   Good luck!

I think you should give yourself grace. It sounds like you are capable, loving and generous. I went through that phase and now my kids are a bit older and it does get easier. My recommendation since you love your work and your family is to defer or pay for all the other things that steal your time. When my kids were really young I had my housekeeper come twice a week (now once a week). She does the laundry. I started services like Farm Fresh to You and asked other working moms for other ideas for streamlining. This chapter is temporary. You’ve got this! 

I was in your position 37 years ago except that I quit to stay at home. Our income was cut in half and I was looking at never having my dreams in life fulfilled.  But I was in total love with my child, who I could see needed me, and I never looked back.  I was unable to work in my field years later, partly because we moved overseas and partly because I had not kept up, and was in a field that really required being present more than 10 hours a day at the office.  But I came to see that I was doing the work I wanted and was meant to do, and (dare I say it?) the work that God wanted me to do.  Result:  My husband and I both have an excellent and close relationship with our son.  He is a success in his chosen field, and now has a son of his own (whose mother works).  He's an excellent father in my opinion.  I have zero regrets, and never really did.  To me, your stress and sadness might indicate that some kind of change is needed. And I admit that I'm one of those who believe a mother belongs with her children. You're there to notice what no one else does, and act on it if needed.  You're there to be the background from which they emerge and face the world. 

Hi There,

I don’t have words of advice, but just wanted to reach out and say it felt like I could’ve written this post! I don’t have a toddler (only a 9 month old) but I am dealing with similar feelings of uncertainty and being pulled in two different directions and as a family we are struggling to find balance. We keep “waiting” for balance to come around the corner. 

Long story short you’re not alone! I often wonder how people manage and if I’m the only one!   

Best, Maria 

Based on what I understood from your post it sounds like you should hire more household help so you don't have to make dinner, do as much cleaning, can have more quality time with your kids. This should cost less than not working. It sounds like your job is flexible and you could schedule more time to spend with your kids, you just need to outsource some of the other stuff. 

Like the previous poster, I would highly recommend talking this out with a therapist. I had a similar job situation when I had my baby. I decided to quit my job to stay home with the baby for multiple reasons, but not without a lot of tears and many sessions of therapy going over my reasons for working vs quitting. I also expect I will find a similar job to the one I had, as I have seen several options come up in the last few months as I am beginning to think about going back to work and starting to browse the job boards. Ultimately, I believe I made the right choice and have zero regrets, but, I will say that SAHM momhood is not necessarily less stressful or sad than being a working mom. It is more like, the things you are stressed and sad about change. It is definitely worth a few sessions of therapy to discuss and go deep on! Being that your kids are already in daycare/school, it may be better for all of you to try to prioritize lightening the household tasks and deepening your connection with your kids with the time you have, without leaving your job first, to see if that helps.

A really great resource that I have turned to so many times is Nurtured First. The creator is a psychotherapist with experience working with disadvantaged communities and kids with autism/adhd, and she has a very holistic approach that is more action based than scripted. They offer a lot of great, free tips on insta and their podcast, and paid toolkits and courses on the website that prioritize connection with your kids, regardless of whether you are a stay at home or working parent. Right now they are running a special on their back to school bundle, which might offer some ideas for you to make the most of your time with your kids with the time you have. They are also based in Canada, so their paid resources are actually cheaper for us because of exchange rates. 

Stay in the work force, stay engaged, stimulated, fulfilled which it sounds like your career does for you. My conclusion to these feeling that you describe so well, was the grass is always greener. To stay connected to my son I rented library books about working moms which he loved. Reading the children’s books to him he learned I’m always with him, he is always with me. I focus on quality time over quantity, thanks to my therapists advice. I asked my employer if I could work 4 days a week which gives me 3 days with my son (yes waste of money missing a day of childcare but sounds like you can afford it and your employer would be open to this idea too). I live with a little more mess; I ask friends for help with grocery shopping. Get creative. Your kids will see your resilience and your work ethic. Also who knows how many hours stay at home moms spend phones scrolling/posting while their kids watch you tube (I expect some push back on this) or feel resentful because they “gave it all up” to stay home with their kids. It takes a village and I think this should extend to childcare providers. Good luck!

Hi toddler mama, right there with you in the struggle and have two under four as well. 

This is THE challenge for our generation of women,  that misplaced thought that there might be a balance point where we are less stretched/ stressed/ more present/ more fulfilled… if only!

I know you know this, but it’s clear there’s no winning answer. Maybe just the best one for you right now. And then forgive the rest, the mess— it will change! 

Especially if you are lucky enough not to have to let finances dictate your decision, I would suggest getting really quiet with yourself— or getting in good communication with a therapist or coach— and think through what feels the sweetest to you, what you could be most peaceful with, or if there is a different middle ground that might serve you and your family right now. 

Could you be more happy giving more of your time to your kiddos? Do you need work to stay on an even keel? Could you be more part time? Experiment with leave? Let go of fear of what coming back to work might feel like if you let it go? What if it was a short year or two commitment?

Loved this May NYT essay on the matter— maybe it will spark something.

<https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/01/opinion/equivalents-radcliffe.html&gt;

I’ll pull out the nut for you:

“Olsen ‘longed for an impossible life, one in which she could devote adequate time’ to both her work and her children, Doherty writes.’

As I read Olsen’s words, I thought about all of the mothers I’ve spoken to over the years, both as a journalist and as a friend, who acutely feel the conflict between mothering and all other aspects of life. They often take that feeling of tension as a signal that they’re doing something wrong — working too much or not hard enough. They don’t always think about the financial or structural issues holding them back. They’ll often see hurdles as personal failures and feel guilty about whatever they think they are giving short shrift.

But what if they accepted the tension as eternal? What if there will always be some feelings of frustration and exhaustion bumping up against the feelings of joy and everlasting love?”

Happy to bounce ideas further too!

My heart goes out to you!

But my vote would be to keep your excellent job and try to reduce the hours to 30 per week rather than 40.

Good jobs are hard to come by.

The preschool years are very labor-intensive for the mother who has a job. Our society does not make it possible to cover all the bases.

Can you pay someone to do chores? Have healthy dinners delivered?  

Can the kids come home at 3 p.m. and have some 1:1 time with you? 

When our kids were that age, I had a less-than full-time job. My husband would not agree to hire household helpers, so we lived in a messy house and ate a lot of take-out. 

But I loved my job, and, now that I am retired, I love my pension from the UC Retirement System.  The kids turned out fine, and our marriage is happy.

Hi, I'm 60 now and have young adult kids. You didn't mention whether you have asked to work part-time at your current job. If you haven't, you should!! I worked 50% time when my kids were little, then 75%, then 100%. This was great for me and our family (and I'm very privileged that this was possible for us financially).

If going part-time is not an option, you might want to hold on for a few years. I found that when my kids turned 6 they were much more independent, and I could get (some) work done while they were home with me. And then I also did some work at night after they went to sleep.

Hi! I just wanted to chime in quickly. I recently found myself in a similar situation, with a 1.5 and 3 year old. I ended up electing to quit my job and stay home with them, as I felt that I would always regret not spending time with them in their young years. I felt like once my son started school, I'd never get this opportunity again. So far, I've been so happy that I made this choice. I was worried about the structure element, too, but I've found that we have made our own structure/schedule, and it is working really well. Good luck with your decision, and remember that whatever the right decision is for you personally, is the right decision for them, too. 
One thing I did also consider is that I didn't feel like my children were sitting at daycare thinking 'I really wish I was home with my mom.' The idea of staying home made ME feel better, but I don't think it was something THEY were necessarily missing out on if that makes sense. So if part of your consideration is guilt, I think you can let that aspect go. 

I really feel for you, I was in the fortunate position of not having to work outside the home when my kids were young (not like we were living the lush life, we had no $$ for vacations, 'extras' or even college savings, but we were just able to pay the bills on one salary). I totally hear your work concerns, and they are all 100% valid. But here's the thing, your kids are only little once, and it all goes by so fast.

There's no guarantee that staying on the job means you'll always have one. I have several friends in their late 40s and early 50s that worked all through their kids school years and still got laid off or downsized and now are really struggling to find work as 'older' women. 

It sounds like your gut is telling you your kids need you, and I felt that way too. I get that not everyone has the luxury of this choice, but if you do, I say, go for it. Our kids are almost all grown now and they are amazing. The time I had with them was beyond precious, and I know I was so fortunate to have been able to be there for them. If you want to stay active, volunteer! Be a room parent, sit on the school board, there are a ton of ways to keep your mind engaged and build community outside of work. I was busier when I was not working than I am working now. While some of the day to day is tough, it was by far the best time of my life, and without question the best job I ever had. Good luck to you!

Love the advice already shared: “Are you stressed because of all the stuff you feel you have to do that isn't spending time with your kids? Household management, etc.? If that is the case, then you should stay in your job, and your family should use its money to outsource the household management. That way, when you are off work, you can 100% just be there with the kids.”

If this is the case, get more regular housecleaning.  Hire someone to prep and cook meals, grocery shop, do household management. Use a service like Honey Homes to deal with household repairs and maintenance. 

Can you get more flexibility in your workplace? Move around hours, work from home, etc? 

It sounds like you love your job, so I would try everything first to stay working. I’m a stay at home parent and - while I value the time with my kids - I miss working. 

I worked at a big law firm when my oldest was younger, and I had a much more flexible schedule with my younger one. I still felt busy and overwhelmed, but spending more of my time with my kid and less at work did make me feel less "guilty" (I'm not sure it's the right word, but sounds like you know the sentiment) about not seeing my kids. In general with the kids, I have always regretted more the decisions that stopped me from spending time with them and not regretted giving up other things. Not because every moment with them is a joy (definitely is not), but because it feels important to me personally to spend time with my kids. Someone told me once that work will never love you back, which is true. I think different people have different values around this, better to make decisions based on your own values.  

FWIW I did not find it at all hard to take a year off and then have good work fall into my lap, especially because I didn't need it to be a full-time job. My husband was stay at home dad to my oldest when I worked at the law firm, and he also seemed to transition easily back into the workforce. (He works in IT. First went back part-time now full.) It's hard to self-evaluate, but my opinion is this worked for both of us because it is actually quite difficult to find good workers in any field, so if you are good there will always be work for you once people realize that. Especially if you already have a solid resume, which I definitely did after spending ten years at the law firm. 

My husband for different reasons was thinking about leaving a job that was otherwise perfect to be around the kids more. Rather than leave he had a good and open conversation with his employer and they found a solution that works for everyone. You might want to try having a similar convo with your work.

It’s amazing that you have a job that you love, and at the same time I totally get the feeling of missing out on time with the kids when they’re small. I had a very similar experience, but with less flexibility as the main breadwinner. Luckily my husband was freelancing and flexible, so it made sense for him to do a lot of the stay at home parenting, which he enjoyed and was good at. We did have our older toddler in a small in-home daycare, but it was minimal, and when our provider was suddenly unable to remain open at the same time as I was on maternity leave for kid number two, I was unexpectedly in charge of both kids. (My husband leaned more heavily into the freelance at that time). And I was surprised how much I enjoyed it!  And I was sad to go back to work. Which, again, made the most financial sense for my family. I had a nice long (for the states!) maternity leave, and when I went back it was part time for the first three months after each maternity leave. So that helped. But I was sometimes still jealous and sad, and just wanted more time with them. I wound up using vacation time for regular shifts volunteering at their various schools as they got older. 

This may be all way too much info. But I wanted you to know you’re not alone in this. It’s normal. And it’s time to get creative! What seems like the best option in your situation is to cut back on your work time. That way you’re still plugged in, just not as much. Can you negotiate to 50% time for the foreseeable future? This time when they’re small is precious. You’re in the enviable position of having some decent choices. I would not fully get out of the workforce as I agree that getting back in, unless you’re super motivated, can be challenging. Keeping a foot in the door (to me at least) feels much easier. And I have always wanted my kids to know that having both parents work was normal. Just as it’s normal to have a stay at home parent. But you love your job. That’s important! My kids are now teens, and we parents work full time now. But we’re glad we figured out ways for one of us to be not full time for several years back then. It’s not always easy. But can be worth it! Good luck figuring things out. 

I had two kids in 20 months and decided to pause my career and don’t regret that decision to this day (they are grown ups now!)

It is just time that you will never, ever get back and if you can afford it (sounds like you can) I would personally recommend it.

However- please note it is exhausting!  Going into a job is actually easier for many but you wont feel continually torn, pulled in different directions, guilty etc.

Regarding re-entry. I started back part time when my kids were 4 and 6. Part time was actually ideal as I was ready to do something that was not completely kid centered. 

I think that many companies are getting less judgmental toward  women or men who have been out of the workforce to raise families. 

Good luck.

Hi! I hope it helps you if I speak to my own experience as a SAHM (a term I hate, TBH—I generally call myself a full-time parent, which feels more accurate than “stay-at-home.”) Like you, we’re incredibly fortunate that my partner’s income is enough to keep us afloat, so even though a second income will be welcome when it happens, it has been a viable choice for me to be a full-time parent while our kids are young. When our first was born, I had just gotten my graduate degree, but I didn’t have enough time to actually enter the workforce before our kid’s birth. Then, once our first was well transitioned into school, our second was born, so I started the full-time parenting clock all over again, and it’s now been 8 years since I obtained my degree (that I’ve never actually used for paid work). My kids are now 3.5 and almost 8.
It’s hard to summarize how I feel having made the other side of the choice you seem to be facing, but I’ll try.
It’s true that your kids are really little only once. In that respect alone, I will never regret that I’ve gotten to have this time with them. I will always have been there in their most dependent and most formative years, and I think that has been both really good for them and has also kept me really… honest about my parenting. I don’t know if “honest” is quite the right word, but what I mean is that my kids have really SEEN me as a parent, day in and day out—capable, frustrated, patient, impatient, playful, exasperated, joyful, all of it. During school breaks or when each of the kids was too little for school, we often spent entire days together, from wakeup to bedtime, with all of the mundane errands and negotiations and meltdowns and apologies and hugs that a single day entails. I got to participate in a parent-teacher preschool coop with my first kid, and am now doing it again with my second; it’s an invaluable opportunity to participate in the life of my kids’ preschool, and many working parents don’t get to do it. I get to become close friends with my kids’ friends’ parents, some of whom are also full-time parents and are available for after-school play dates where we grownups talk while the kids play, etc.; many of our current closest friends are fellow preschool and elementary school families, because unlike my working partner, I’ve actually had time to form relationships with other school families.

My kids don’t spend a full grownup’s workday at school or in someone else’s care; they do play dates instead, or come home and chill after school, or we go on hikes, or run errands where they get to see that household stuff doesn’t get done by magic elves. (The downside being that I do have to run errands with the kids in tow, which is sometimes fun and often not fun.)

Full-time parenting has kept me humble. It’s brought me an immense amount of joy and pride. It’s brought me to my knees. It is hard, hard, hard work. It is definitely not for everyone. Many days, it is not for me. And on many other days, it’s the thing I will always be most grateful for.

It is also incredibly demeaning that it is unpaid work. I’ve often thought about updating my resumé with “Full-Time Parent” as my current job, with all of the actual duties enumerated, for the next time I need to present my resumé to a potential employer. As long as full-time care work is unpaid, it will be undervalued—by everyone!, including by your own co-parent, unless you remain REALLY vigilant about this not being the case. There’s just no getting around how unequal the emotional/financial balance becomes when one parent does paid work and the other does unpaid work.

I’m looking forward to doing paid work again in a year or two; I’m looking forward to bringing in income, and spending concentrated time doing work that doesn’t revolve around care of my kids. I will never get back the professional opportunities I’ve lost. I will probably need to be creative around self-directed projects, freelancing, etc., rather than trying to reenter the workforce through a more traditional route (which I know isn’t an option for a lot of folks); again, it helps that my partner’s income can keep us afloat even if I don’t fully recover professionally.

The opportunity cost can feel so high, no matter which way you go. I guess my advice is to choose, and then to go into your choice wholeheartedly, giving yourself every chance to appreciate the great gains and losses of this time in life. Good luck, fellow toddler parent!!!