Parenting a School-Aged Child with Autism

Archived Q&A and reviews ▼

Archived Q&A and Reviews

Non compliant 6 year old

Oct 2012

I am trying to figure out my 6 year old son who has been rather challenging since birth. He seems to have a lot of signs of ADHD (hard to get him to get dressed and do basic tasks, high energy, combative, poor impulse control particularly re touching other people) yet at the same time has AMAZING focus (I'd say way better than his peer group) for the things that interest him such as drawing, being read to, playing legos etc. So not sure if he is just really non compliant because he is so interested in what he is doing himself or if its more than that. He has sensory issues: clothes drive him nuts. He doesn't have many friends but doesn't seem to need them either - he enjoys playdates but never asks for them - he is happy to play alone for hours. He seems very bright but also shows very little interest in academic learning - he has no interest in learning to read - I'm not even sure if he knows all his letters. I am going to get him assessed in a couple of weeks but ADHD doesn't seem quite right and yet he is clearly not quite normal. Any pointers as to what might be going on would be much appreciated. concerned mama

Hi Concerned Mama. I can't recommend enough that you look into getting your child evaluated for Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism. He sounds so so so much like my oldest boy (who has been diagnosed with High-Functioning Autism) when he was that age. I always wish that someone had suggested to me that I consider an Autism Spectrum Disorder. I never would have considered it on my own for many of the same reasons you suggest. My son is brilliant - well above grade level in math, science, spelling, vocabulary - and I didn't understand that a child could be autistic and not have a learning disability. Also, my son has always been moderately social, but has difficulty in certain types of social situations (groups) and doesn't tend to initiate play. I didn't understand that autistic children have a wide range of social fuctioning. The sensory issues would be another indicator. Also the fact that he is very focused on topics of interest but has trouble with everyday tasks (putting clothes on, etc...). What you see as non compliance may actually be difficulties with change or transitional times, or a desire to control what he can in the environment. The one piece of the puzzle I see missing in your description would be some kind of stereotyped or repetitive behaviour. This might not be the standard rocking or hand flapping that you see in the movies. For my family, the common repetitive behaviours are spinning, slamming their body into the sofa, swinging their heads, walking on tiptoes, drumming fingers, muttering to themselves, pacing... Some of these things can be less visible as ''unusual'' behaviours, such as pacing or drumming fingers.

We too thought our son had ADHD (which he does) and tried to get him evaluated, but the doctor just kept saying ''I think there's something else serious going on...'' It scared us off and we took sooo much longer to figure all of this out as a result. I just wish someone had been brave enough to say ''autism'' to us during that difficult time. It would have helped us to understand him so much better. And a couple others in the family, it turned out...

The book that lifted the fog for me was ''Hitchhiking Through Aspergers Syndrome'' by Lise Pyles, if you're interested.

I hope that I've helped you and not scared you. I think everyone was worried about scaring me, but I wish they'd said something. For me, learning enough to understand him better was a huge relief, rather than the burden I think many people expected. ASD Mom

Hi there, Our son, who is now 4 1/2 had very similar struggles. Since you mentioned sensory issues, have you thought of having him evaluated by an occupational therapist? We went to an amazing OT in Lafayette named Sheila Stosick and she was incredibly helpful. I really can not recommend her highly enough, the changes we have seen with our son have been remarkable. She is very knowledgeable and can give you techniques to help your son at home. She can be reached at (925) 935-7356 Best of luck! fellow mama

By all means, go ahead with the evaluation. No two kids are alike, including those with ADHD. It is very common for kids with ADHD to be able to focus well on things they are interested in (mine has obsessions that last for a year or more). It's the things they aren't interested in that are the problem. I suspected for a long time that there was something going on with my son, but he didn't quite fit the descriptions I read for ADHD and was always charming in the pediatrician's office. We finally got a good evaluation, and he definitely has it. Now we've taken parenting classes, had him do some therapy, etc., and what a difference it's made! It is also such a relief to have some insight into what is going on. It's certainly possible to have ADHD along with learning disorders or other issues, so it's definitely worth having a good evaluation done. Happy to have some answers

I'm a parent of a child diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, and when I read your post I thought that the description of your child matches that of a child on the autism spectrum, specifically, Asperger's (more than ADHD). Everything you wrote about fits my child, as well. I think ADHD and ASD are related disorders and often have similar presentations. Sometimes when doctors aren't sure what diagnosis to give, but want to give the child eligibility for services, they use ''PDD-NOS'' which stands for something like Pediatric Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified. Zoe

Sounds like Asperger's syndrome. Try Googling it and see what you think... Good luck! Best wishes to you and your child

I think my bright 9-year-old might have Asperger's

Sept 2010

I live in San Francisco and am looking for tips on finding help for my 9-year-old son. He has been identified for SFUSD's GATE program (gifted and talented) but also shows signs of high-functioning Asperger's -- trouble with eye contact, often doesn't respond quickly when called, very slow in getting tasks done, interests very limited, etc. As a result he has no trouble understanding but is extremely slow in getting his homework done, getting ready for school in the morning, and other time-dependent tasks. His fine motor skills seem to lag as well, meaning writing takes a long time even when he is focused. Distractions are a constant struggle. I'm looking for local resources for occupational therapists, tutors, homework helpers, etc. Any recommendations or advice are greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Ask your pediatrician to refer you to a developmental pediatrician or a neuropsychologist for an evaluation. Or ask your school district in writing to evaluate him. I have a 9-year-old who has ADD-Innattentive Type, and it sounds very similar to what you are describing. Not hyperactive, just always focused on internal distractions instead of the task at hand. Could be that, could be something else, but you really should have an evaluation and find out for sure. If it's ADD, your son is having to work a hundred times harder than the other kids in his class and may over time become very discouraged. Good luck!

Parenting strategies for 5-year-old with Asperger's Syndrome

August 2010

Does anyone have good resources for a 5 year old child with Asperger's Syndrome? After difficult baby, toddler and pre-school years, we finally have found out the reason our son doesn't respond to regular parenting strategies like other kids do. We've gotten a couple of great books but are looking for more books about parenting strategies and general approaches we can take with a 5 year old. We also are looking for resources about how to balance the attention and care we give with raising our two younger children. Lastly, in your experience, are AS kids usually the product of an AS parent? AS Mama

My son has an Asperger's diagnosis. I have found social/pragmatic language classes (i.e. social skills classes/play groups) extremely helpful. We started when he was five and was not interacting much with other kids, and it made a huge difference. Two really good places are Communication Works http://www.cwtherapy.com/ in Oakland near Keller Ave, and Speech Pathology Group is another http://www.speechpathologygroup.com/ - they have one location in Berkeley at Ashby and Telegraph and another out in Walnut Creek. (Although they call these language groups, my son does not have any language or speech deficit - social language refers to both the spoken and the unspoken language of social interaction. I should note as well that these are pretty expensive.) We have recently been looking into therapists for our son as well to deal with anxiety type issues. I've learned that the therapists who work with Asperger's kids do a lot of coaching with the parents as well - some of them even focus more on the parent coaching side than the kids. Two names are Peter August (510) 220-5152 and Ellen Singer 525-1975. Ellen's focus is very much on parent coaching - my impression is that she has what you might call a behaviorist approach. Peter's focus seems to be on understanding the underlying causes of the behaviors. These impressions are based on interviews with them but not having worked with them yet. There is an Asperger's parents support group as well that meets monthly at Communication Works; much of the discussion there is centered around getting services from the public schools . Best wishes to you. Anon

We have a 13 yr old Asperger's son who was diagnosed at 5. We relied heavily on the advise of the medical professionals we worked with (developmental pediatrician, speech pathologist, psychologist) to guide us in our parenting. It's also really important to connect with parents of kids on the Autism spectrum. There are various support groups and resources at http://www.aspergersresource.org.

In our case, there's a definite genetic propensity for Autism. My dad and his siblings are all undiagnosed but very much on the Autism spectrum. Luckily, most of them developed the skills they needed to be happy and productive.

Hope this helps! Parent of an Aspie son

I think a girl at school has Asperger's - should I say something?

Sept 2007

Our daughters are both in the second grade at the same school. We've been friends for three years, but not close friends. Her daughter ''E'' has been tested and is ''profoundly gifted.'' My daughter is an average student in the same class.

E has a habit of ''checking out'' ALL OF THE TIME. Mom has mentioned it to me and others. The child has many of the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome, no eye contact, social behavior several years younger than actual age, has difficulty carrying on a conversation, retreats after 5 minutes or so of social contact, etc. I mentioned Asperger's casually once and Mom made a statement similar to ''profoundly gifted children often look like they have a problem, Asperger's, ADHD and others - it's because people don't understand profoundly gifted kids.''

School has started and E's symptoms are more pronounced than ever. Someone who has known E for most of her life said ''It's like there's NO spark left. It used to be she checked out 50% of the time, but since the end of last school year it seems as though nothing is inside the shell any more.''

Do I say something? If so, how do I say something? Since the girls are in private school, there are not the assessments and the therapy available that would be given in public school free of charge. It should be stated also that this is a single mom on a limited income. Want to do the Right Thing

My 3rd grader has Inattentive ADD and sounds a lot like this girl that you think has Asperger's. He appears to be checked out most of the time, has immature social behavior, has difficulty carrying on a conversations. So no, I don't think you should say anything, because you have no training or background to make a diagnosis, and you may very well be completly wrong. And even if you did have the background, you would be out of line approaching the mother about it. Supposing that you WERE a developmental pediatrician or a neuropsychologist, the most you should do is mention your concerns to the teacher and then leave it at that. Mostly likely the teacher is already aware of the situation. But I don't know any professionals who would offer unsolicited diagnoses to people they don't know very well. I think it is considered unprofessional. What is particularly concerning is that it sounds like you have already discussed E with Someone who has known E for most of her life. This is gossip, you know, not concern for the girl.

You already did say something to the mother and you already got your answer. The mom's on top of it. This girl has been already been seen by child psychologists for testing and the mother is already aware that her daughter's behavior may appear inappropriate (hence her explanation to you which you seem to be ignoring). Please think carefully about your motives before you diagnose another's children with a vogue disease like autism. Autism spectrum disorders are ever present in the news these days, so many believe they are have become diagnostic experts. 'Checking out' and 'having no spark left' are not listed in the DSM manual as symptoms of asperger's. If the girl is checking out and has no spark left perhaps she is having a hard time for some reason. I really don't see how this is any business of yours (you're sending in an email about someone else's child who is not even a close friend?) and while you may be sincerely conerned you do not sound that way in your email. MYOB

Hello, My name is Gita and your question caught my attention because my brother has Autism, though he is extremely high functioning that it borders with Auspergers. You seem like you know much information about Auspergers, so I thought I would mention a few things. First of all, depending on how close your friendship is with the mother, she might be offended at first, but if for some reason her daughter does have Auspergers, the sooner she finds out the better. My brother wasn't officially diagnosed until he was 17 years old and my mother had to fight and fight to get help for him before that. My brother is very, very intelligent, you could even call him ''gifted'' that doesn't make the fact go away that he has a lot of social problems dealing with people, expressing himself, etc. He was the only person in his adult help class that graduated high school and attended a community college. In the end, I would recommend that you say something like, ''I don't want this to seem offensive or have you take it the wrong way, I'm just concerned that you might want to get ''E'' tested for Auspergers.'' It is not an easy thing to hear or say, but the better she knows one way or the other, the better. I hope this helps. If you have any questions, let me know. Good luck. Gita

I can't speak to what to suggest to your friend about her daughter - perhaps it would be better coming from a teacher or a member of the clergy she respects? Does your school have a learning specialist who could talk to her? However, she should be aware that even if you are in a private school the school district is obligated to provide assessments (as opposed to services and remediation). anon

Wow, that is a really tough question. On the one hand, you want to help this little girl and do the right thing, on the other hand, you don't want to encroach on another mom's parental boundaries. Who's to say she's not right about how profoundly gifted kids seem? (I have absolutely no clue!) A quick google search turned up this article: http://www.gt-cybersource.org/Record.aspx?NavID=2_0=11381

My advice would be to say something, maybe do a little research first and be armed with an article, about how the two can look similar, but it's still best to ''know.'' Emphasize how worried you are, how you've noticed a change lately, and how much you want to help. Even if you go to private school, she might still be eligible for an assessment through whatever you local school district is, it wouldn't hurt to make a call to the district's Special Ed office just to see what they say. Good luck, this is a tough one Jill

All children, including those in private school, are entitled to a free public school assessment for ''all areas of suspected disability.'' The procedure is to write the special ed director of your public school district, and request an assessment. However you're correct that as a private school student, she probably would get the free public school therapy. As for whether to tell the parent you suspect Asperger's -- No. That suggestion should come from the teacher or school. Although you may be correct in your suspicions, she'll hate you for saying so. Besides, it's not like the parent hasn't heard it before, and she's obviously not receptive. Parent of special-needs kid

It is quite possible for a gifted child to look very different socially from other kids. They wouldn't even need to be ''profoundly'' gifted. But, they still may need additional support and evaluation. Before having kids, I had worked extensively with an autistic child and was quite aware of autistic spectrum disorders. When by 18 mo., I saw some unusual behaviors in my own daughter, I was concerned, but others thought I was being hyperaware due to my knowledge of the issues. When by 3, she continued to be very social with known adults, but have virtually no interest in other kids or in things most kids are drawn to, I was concerned. Her preschool teachers were too. We had a social worker come in and observe her in the classroom. After the evaluation, it was recommended that a psychologist come and observe her and that she go through some developmental testing. He said that there were definitely social differences there and that she wasn't typical, but that she is probably just very smart and as the psychologist said ''quirky.'' She has since become much more social and at 7, one would hardly notice any differences. That said, I did and do often have to do ''social coaching'' with her to help her engage appropriately and want to engage with other kids and I make an effort to bring and keep other children in her life who are also smart and ''quirky'' and that she truly enjoys and relates to. So, this kid may not have Asperger's, but still may need other forms of support. Two good books are Bringing Out the Best: A Guide for Parents of Young Gifted Children and Raise Your Child's Social IQ which discusses social coaching and areas to coach around. The Bringing Out the Best book does a wonderful job of pointing out both the blessings and the challenges, many of them social and emotional, that parents need to help gifted kids work through. hengel

I actually assess people on the Autistic spectrum, as a job. I can tell you that a parent will not listen if they are not willing to. The most you can do is point out to that parent that the child seems to be changing, withdrawing or whatever you have noticed. If the teacher sees it also, and the parent hears it from more then one source maybe they will act on it. There are not a lot of services for people with Asperger's unless parents want to pay out of pocket but there are some clinicians who are are experts in such diagnoses. I strongly suggest not going to just anyone but letting that person do some research about experts in the field. They won't believe the results unless they are really open to it. Frequently, Asperger's does not get diagnosed until 8 years old or later since the child usually just seems 'bright' and 'a little different'. If it is a good friend of yours, be careful about alienating the friendship and being too pushy. Go at that parent's pace about hearing what is 'wrong' with her child. Good luck

Thank you to those who had generous advice about not saying anything. The teacher did talk to ''E's'' Mom and got her a free assessment through the School disctrict. ''E's'' Mom is overwhelmed, yet releaved to have a diagnosis. Interestingly enough, the School District has offered some services as well at no charge. ''E's'' teacher was also able to find services closer to her school in Berkeley through UC. So, to those parents who said ''Don't Mention it again'' you were right. All's Well that Ends Well

Son with possible Asperger's starting school

April 2006

Hi - I would like to hear from anyone with experience in in our situation. Our five year old son will begin kindergarten in the fall at an Oakland public charter school. We suspect that he may have Asperger's syndrome or another spectrum disorder (PDD-NOS), and will hopefully have him evaluated at UCSF within the next two months. He is a very smart, energetic and sometimes emotional child with some speech delays, and has a little trouble picking up social cues from other children. Are there any parents who have children with Asperger's or another disorder who's children are enrolled in public school? Are your children on IEP's? I would really like some feedback on your experiences in dealing with the school/teachers, as well as feedback on how your children have been able to learn and function in the classroom. My husband and I feel that our son has the ability to do well, but worry how much of a struggle it might be, more so socially. This possilbe diagnosis is a lot to deal with, and we are learning as we go. Thank you for your time. cj

Although my son doesn't have Asperger's, he is on the spectrum. He is highly intelligent, but he does have social skill deficits and some processing issues. We go to a private school in Oakland, but we do have the equivalent of an ''IEP'' which has been vital to making sure he has what he needs to function and succeed in school. I would HIGHLY recommend that you get one asap so you get the services you need in the public schools. Also, because we are in a private school, we have to pay for outside services. He is currently working with Kris Neugebauer in Alameda on ''social pragmatics'' which is just what it sounds like--learning social skills to get along in life, such as conversational skills, meeting/greeting/leaving people, reading social cues, etc. It has been enormously helpful-- perhaps there are services through the public school that provide the same thing, but an IEP would ensure that you get whatever is available. [Kris Neugebauer is great and you could call her for information/advice. Phone is 510.306.9066. She also helps write IEPs.] Good luck. It's a process, but help is out there. A Mom who has been there

My son has some Asperger's characteristics but did not receive that diagnosis. My thoughts are based on our experience with services provided by school and services we have obtained separately. Yes, you will want him to be evaluated for an IEP. First, does the charter school have a resource specialist? If not, you might want to reconsider that choice for him. Second, is the school sponsored by the Oakland Unified School District? If so, OUSD's exceptional children program should oversee the evaluation. Here's their link http://pec.ousd.k12.ca.us/index.html

Even if the charter school is not sponsored by OUSD, you should contact the exceptional children program if you live in OUSD's area. Your UC evaluation will give you the ability to request an IEP. That request needs to be made in writing. The key to helping children with atypical neural development is early and continuing intervention. The school will provide some services. You should do more if you can. You mention social skills issues. We used Ann Martin Children's Center. The Center for Social Thinking has been recommended as excellent. Their link is http://www.socialthinking.com/ It won't be easy but there are a lot of resources available now. I hope your path with your son is always one of progress. anon

Insurance will pay for your child to receive services for social skills before kindergarten. I am a speech/language therapist in the Berkeley schools and two children on my caseload have continued therapy with a speech theapist at Alta Bates, and 1 attended a social group, I beleive with Children's Hospital (not sure). The schools are required to take referrals for preschool age children, even if they are not enrolled in the public schools, and provide services if they qualify.

When your child attends a public school the school is required to provide services if he is diagnosed on the spectrum or with a nonverbal disorder. In our district the speech therapist and full Inclusion teacher provide services. Many speech/language therapists speacialize in Asperger's and nonverbal disorders. The most useful training I have had (also open for parents and on DVD)has been Michelle Garcia Winner's (speech/language therapist) 2 day seminar, a few of her books, and Carol Gray's social stories. I recently ordered a highly recommended book by Dr. Tony Attwood ''Navigating the Social World'' Therapy focuses on eye contact, body language, interacting with peers, whats expected/not expected in different environments, taking turns, ect. The amount of info available can be overwhelming.

The schools are great because we can access their school environment. Make sure the therapist at your son's school has some training. My first case for a social skills only student was 4 years ago. Every year the numbers grow and it is now a significant part of our caseload in Berkeley Schools. I would definately meet with the school principal, speech therapist, school psychologist, and district office special education program supervisors ASAP to get the process started and get your child on their mind, otherwise, it can take a painfully long time to receive services.

Info RE: Michelle Garcia Winner Center for Social Thinking 3550 Stevens Creek BLVD. Ste. 200 San Jose CA 95117 (408) 557-8579 She also has a website

Pamela

Highly recommend you connect with Quest - they are experts and wonderful - they have counseling, camps and after-school programs. They are experts at teaching social cues too. www.questcamps.com anon

Could she have Asperger's?

July 2003

After the recent posts about Asperger's Syndrome, I am wondering: could this child have it? Starting at age 4, she would insist on the exact fraction for her age, e.g. ''I'm not 4 1/2; I'm 4 178/365!'' She has always been very shy and refused to play with other children in preschool, preferring to hide behind her mother's or other adult's leg. She prefers to read or write stories by herself. She learned to read and write at age 3 and has been keeping notebooks since then. She numbers every page, and if she makes a mistake on a page or doesn't like a drawing, she makes a big black X on the page, writes ''no page'' and renumbers all the pages. Wondering

Dear Wondering, Your description describes some compulsivity, but not the extreme involvement in different areas that the children with Asperger's Syndrome I have known show. If you have real concerns, take her to a community mental health clinic for a psychological evaluation. Sounds like she is a very sensitive, creative, intelligent creature to me, one worthy of protecting and helping until her sensitive nature can better tolerate this bang-about world! My son (now 25 and married last weekend) was also very shy at age 3, didn't want to interact much, read a lot of books, and was extremely sensitive. I protected him and his sensitivity, allowing him to take his time in detaching from me when going to school (I stayed with him, despite their pleas that I leave--it took him a few days, but he detached from me!). Fortunately he is still sensitive and caring. We tested him and he is very intelligent. He also is dyslexic in a few areas. I'm glad I pampered him a bit when he was young, because despite these challenges he has turned into a wonderful young man who retains his sensitivity, while still being a bit reclusive! Ilene

As both a clinical social worker and a mother of 3, I'd say don't be too worried. Asperger's is very rare, and it affects boys more often than girls. Although some of your daughter's behavior may seem odd to you, some of it may be ''a phase,'' and some may just be her personality. If you are truly concerned, take her to a mental health professional for an assessment. Make sure it's someone with experience with young children. Good luck! kaye

The answer to ''could she have Asperger's Syndrome'' is yes...or no! Having been there, I completely understand and empathize with a desire to get more information about a child from a group of parents who may have experience in a particular area. However, I'm writing because people (like me) who have never seen the child in question have very little to base our replies on. I think the answer is always to check out your concerns with an appropriately trained person who can see the child and begin to make sense- with you- of very complex issues. The best we can all do is to take our concerns seriously (that is to say, not be embarrassed by them) and take steps to get answers. Even then, you may get very different ''answers'' from different professionals. Ultimately, you have to go with the one that makes best sense to you or which evolves over time. Best of luck. - Anon

Is it Asperger's or just shyness?

January 2003

A friend has just been told that her daughter might have something called Asperger's Syndrome. She wont know until she can be evaluated, and she must wait a very long time for her first appointment to do this. Obviously, my friend is rather stressed about this. She has been trying to learn more about this disorder, but everything she has read (not to mention her Pediatrician's explaination of things) always seems too clinical and difficult to really understand. I was wondering if anybody out there has a child wtih Asperger's Syndrome who can tell us in a parent-to-parent way just what Asperger's is, and how it showed itself in your child? My friend thinks her daughter is just shy, or otherwise awkward around other kids. How can you tell regular shy behavior from Asperger's? When did YOU know something was different about your child?

I appreciate your friend's concern. But to relieve her anxiety, at least for the time being, you might let her know Asperger's is not commonly diagnosed in girls, and it is certainly possible that whoever referred her for the full evaluation is off the mark. As a child psychologist, I have worked with a number of kids who were given preliminary diagnoses (e.g., by pediatricians) that turned out to not be appropriate. Her daughter may still need some help with social skills or language use, but I hope she doesn't worry too much about the particular diagnosis until the evaluation. In the meantime, if she wants more information, there is a lot on the web. One website she might start with is: http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/. Liz O.

as the mother of a 6 year old asperger girl -I know the experience of feeling that your world is over. that all of the dreams you had for your child would need to be revised. We went through the initial shock, experienced our grief and got on with helping our child get the most out of her existence. tell your friend she must first realize that Austism/Aspergers is a spectrum disorder. two kids with the same diagnosis might have totally different symptoms. our child's voice is not monotone and she does not have ''eye contact'' issues but does have social deficiencies. She currently get's two days a week at Stanford and is making great progress. Get ready to shell out some cash for the services required as most insurance companies will not pay. If you are 89, have a stroke and need speach therapy - insurance will pay but.... if you are 6 and need speach they say it is a developmental thing and until it effects accademics they are not required to cover anything. Ultimately her lack of social skills will effect her academically - we will revisit the insurance issue at that time.

please note there are a lot of new therapies including a system called RDI and we have found out through an alergist that she is allergic to mold, citric acid and eggs. when ingested we notice obvious behavioir issues. so keep that in mind. your friend might want to have her child tested for allergies.

Please tell your friend that the child she loves still exists, nothing will change that feeling.

we adore our AS girl and would not change one cell of her even with her quirks. I look at it like this. getting this diagnosis has given us an explanatiion and plan for her behavior. this is not something that she will die from but live with. and i can live with that

i will happy to talk to you or your friend - anytime as i know upon first learning about AS - we, as a family were devasted but now we see the light and it is a 6 year old named Claire who lives in our house!!

mom of a wonderful and inspiring Aspergers child. elaine

When our son was diagnosed with PDD-n.o.s. (Pervasive developmental Disorder- not otherwise specified) which is an autistic spectrum disorder that shares some of the traits of autism and Asperger's, we found an enormous amount of information on the internet; just do a Google search on Asperger's. In the course of things we also have found a number of good books on this and related subjects. One is ''Asperger Syndrome & Your Child: A Parent's Guide'' by Michael Powers and Janet Poland (ISBN 0-06-620943-9). Since the line between Asperger's and PDD is very fuzzy, I will also recommend another book, (Pervasive Developmental Disorders: Finding a Diagnosis and Getting Help) by Mitzi Waltz (ISBN 1-56592-530-0). Regarding your question about the difference between shyness and Asperger's, the impression that I have from all of the sources (books, internet, & Psych professionals)is that there is a spectrum from normal to advanced forms of all of these neuropyschological disorders. Some shyness is truly just shyness inother cases it has a neurological component and is an expression of Asperger's or other condition. If your friend has health care through Kaiser, I recommend the child psychiatry group at Oakland. They have some wonderful professionals there who will also help with getting appropriate educational assistance for the child. Patrick

Asperger's is characterized by flat, monotone affect, limited (or none) ability to read social cues, attaching to adults more readily than peers, often obsessional interest in a particular area--e.g. butterflies, trains, limited eye contact, math/science giftedness, largely; more occurent in boys. There are wonderful social skills groups available that work with kids/adults with Asperger's. There is a boy in my daughter's grade with Asperger's who has made vast strides socially since he has joined a social skills group. I wish your friend and daughter good luck. Seen a lot of it

What I would take from the pediatrician's referral, at this point, is that there are reasons to be concerned about the child's development and that it is important to obtain a thorough assessement. The pediatrician may or may not be correct about the specific diagnosis that was suggested. There are so many subtleties and the state of the art is changing so rapidly, that pediatricians, psychologists, and teachers can easily guess wrong. The wait for an evaluation can be very long, but it will be worth it in the end. Our child has a diagnosis of PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified) and has a lot in common with children with Asperger's and another syndrome, NLD. Here are two books that explain things in the parent-to-parent way you mentioned. Both are first-person accounts by a parent; they describe the situations leading to their child's diagnosis and how they used the diagnosis to support the child's development. Rondalyn Varney Whitney, who wrote Bridging the Gap: Raising a Child with a Nonverbal Learning Disorder (ISBN 0399527559), is an occupational therapist who writes from both a personal and professional perspective. The other book is by Echo Fling, Eating an Artichoke: A Mother's Perspective on Asperger Syndrome (ISBN 1853027111). One book about social skills is Helping the Child Who Doesn't Fit in by Stephen Nowicki and Marshall P. Duke (ISBN 1561450251). It's clear and practical, not too clinical.

My advice is to continue to talking to different people with different expertise. My 10 year old has had a couple of ''diagnoses'' including ODD, ADD, possible lead-poisoning, etc. Each time we got a new one, we were relieved that there was a ''thing'' to work on and we felt like better parents. But what I have found over a 6 year journey is that I concentrate less on the ''diagnosis'' and more on helping my daughter with social skills and helping her in finding those things at which she excels. She is becoming more and more excited about life and about becoming a young woman who ''doesn't fit in any one box''. Good luck! Inga

Our wonderful 8-yr-old son has Asperger's syndrome, and after about three years of assessments and treatment attempts, we have found a way to really help him that is working. I would be glad to offer you info: about reading, local professionals, and/or about the approach we're using. There's alot of misguided info out there - I guess you have to pick and choose what feels the most grounded and relevant to your child yourself.

First of all, Tony Attwood has written a pretty clear description of Asperger's, called Asperger's Syndrome. If you can't get it through the usual channels, let me know and I'll give you ordering info. Besides that, you (and others) are welcome to e-mail me about particular questions you have. This is scary stuff, but there is REAL HOPE, REAL POSSIBILITIES for these kids to get help and to develop further and live fuller lives. mwk

After seeing a lot of discussion about Asperger's challenges, we are pleased to announce our plans to open The Keystone School, a middle school designed to focus on the academic and social learning styles of those diagnosed with neurocognitive disorders such as Asperger's and Non-Verbal Learning Disability. We have begun work in anticipation of opening in Fall 2003. If you know of anyone who would be interested in attending The Keystone School or learning more about it, please contact us at (510) 466-5405. there will be an OPEN HOUSE for parents and professionals on Thursday, Feb. 13th. Gretchen Loughran

I am just finishing a book called ''A Mind at a Time'' by Mel Levine, M.D. He is a pediatrician specializing in neurodevelopment of children. He descibes his view of the various systems, inputs, outputs, etc. involved in the neurodevelopment of children. He does not like to 'lump' developmental problems into diagnoses, but, rather is a 'splitter'. He divides the mind into eight systems, including social; each system has multiple divisions; etc. It's written for parents and emphasizes each child's uniqueness. I have found it helpful and think you, and most parents, would too. ellen