Feeling sad after moving / Buyer's Remorse
We were in the house buying market for over 5 years. Stars were somehow aligned and our offer was accepted, although our offer was not the highest offer. We stretched a bit more than we were planning. [People kept telling us this is how you buy a house around here.] We didn't love the house but felt like this was the best we could do. We moved into our new house about 3 months ago.
Kids seem to be adjusting pretty well. They were very upset at first but now point out things that they like about the new house.
We, the parents, are not doing very well. We are very sad and stressed. We have such a huge buyer's remorse. This is the Bay Area. A house with a price tag of over 1 mil doesn't get you a luxury home. People tell us that what we bought is a good first home. We just miss our old rental very much. The neighborhood was better (more walkable, more residential, more convenient and slightly easier commute). The house was more updated (our old place had new double pane windows and doors, fully insulated, 2 bathrooms), bigger (150 sq ft bigger than our new place.), and brighter (more windows and lights). We don't have a decorator's eye and feel overwhelmed by every decision at the new place (which lamp, what lamp, what curtain, rug?). We hired an interior designer who ended up charging us $2000 but we don't have much to show for it after that. She spent hours and hours shopping for items we didn't like and we ended up telling her to stop shopping.
Our new house has 100 year old windows with holes and gaps that let in cold air. It's an old house and it's dark. No light in living room and very little overhead lights. Like all other old houses in the Bay Area, things don't work quite the way they're supposed to. We moved in and found leaking pipes, rat droppings, sinking and rotting fence. [Yes, we had the disclosure packet and looked at the house many times beforehand but we didn't know about the pipe leaking and didn't see rat droppings and the fence deteriorated really fast after we moved in.] Every other floor board creaks. The house is dark. We have little privacy from neighbors, which we took for granted at our old place.
My husband and I have a history of clinical depression, so we're very watchful of our mood, because we don't want to relapse.
Anyone else had a big case of buyer's remorse and then recovered? Any words of wisdom to help us get through this phase. We feel so unstable.
Water is leaking from neighbors' yard (we suspect irrigation pipe issue.) We haven't met them in person and now I have to go and tell them to fix the pipes and split the fence cost.
Bills are piling up. Our payment doubled after house purchase. We still have boxes to unpack but don't have furniture to unpack the stuff into. While we were out of town to visit the in-laws, somehow some animal pooped in our yard and then the gardener mowed over the poop, so we have poopy yard w/ gnats flying over it. We both work full-time and we are completely overwhelmed. We know we should try to tackle this little by little, every weekend. But, our young kids want to play and spend time with us and we want to spend time with them instead of trying to clean out the garage or unpack. Our jobs are so demanding that we are not in a position to take a full week off to focus on unpacking and getting settled in.
Parent Replies
So sorry to hear about what you are feeling. Maybe do some reading on acceptance? Can friends help unpack? Really try to get to know the neighbors. Discover what’s great about the neighborhood. Have friends for dinner and host parties with your friends and their kids I love the memories we created here of Halloween parties thanksgiving dinner birthday parties baby showers etc doesn’t have to be fancy - just welcoming these were all potlucks
When we bought our house in Montclair, it needed a ton of updating and repairs. This was five years ago, so our 2150 sq ft House was 600,000 so we didn’t have the burden you do. Since we were coming from a tiny apartment, we didn’t see how dated everything looked. We just saw home. Over five years we renovated extensively (increased income enabled us to do so) and got to know the area. We found stairs that lead up from the village to snake rd that we use to walk to our house. We became close with neighbors in seven houses immediately around us. One neighbor hosts annual neighborhood get togethers and another baby sits. We love it hear so much. This is for the long haul. Hope you find happiness.
I had similar feelings when we bought our house in 2015. We moved from an apartment in a very happening part of San Francisco to a very small single family home in the East Bay. I spent the entire first year at the new house wondering if we'd made a huge mistake, if we could've put a smaller bid and still won, if we should've waited and bought a larger house, etc. Eventually I calmed down and focused on making improvements in our new home. We replaced the windows, got some new furniture, new closets, got rid of unnecessary items. Fast forward to 2018 I now love my cute little house and have no desire to ever move anywhere else! :)
It sounds like the lack of light is really bothering you. Take a look at your house and try to figure out what is making it dark and if there's way to brighten it up. Light walls + light colored furniture and window shades will make the space look much brighter, airier and more spacious. Hang mirrors across from the windows to reflect light back into the room.
Good luck! It will get better, just give it time (and some home improvement effort)
Hi! For unpacking I recommend someone from taskrabbit. It’s affordable.
It's easy to get overwhelmed in moving especially into the unknown. I had this with the last two (2) homes we moved into and felt overwhelmed with trying to make the house a home. Now that you have the house, you can either put it back on the market and look for something else you might like better, OR live in your house and try to make it a home. Yes, I can see you loved your old rental home, but you can also over time make this new house better for your family. It take patience and time.
As for the whole decorating vibe, do you have close friends and like the way they decorate? Try taking it one room at a time, not all at once. Look at various magazines to get ideas. In the overhead lights, you can go LED which will brighten the rooms with low lighting. Windows can be fixed until you can get to a point to remove and install new windows.
As for the water leaking in your yard, start with bringing to the attention of your neighbor and tackle the fence another time. Try not to overwhelm new people so you all can establish a working relationship.
Make a list of furniture you need to purchase. For example, bookcases, coffee table, side tables, etc. You will be surprised how you can easily find these items if not new, through craigslist, garage sales, etc. I found several pieces of expensive furniture for little cost in some of my Facebook garage sales groups.
Be patience with yourselves. Make unpacking a game for you and the kids. Like if you unpack 6 boxes, you all get pizza and a movie. Make it fun!
Last, if you want and the administrator will allow it, respond back to this and I would be glad to help you at no cost. Would love to help if I can.
I'm sorry you are sad about your house. It sounds like a change from what you're used to. I live in a 100 year old house but I love old houses a lot more than new houses, so it was my choice. Old houses have a lot more personality. But I understand there are disadvantages. I have some hints for you.
First thing, you need to get some lamps. If your house is too dark it's going to be depressing. In the olden days when your house was built, people used a lot of table lamps and floor lamps, so the living room and bedrooms in old houses might not have any light fixtures, or only one fixture in the middle of the ceiling. You need a floor lamp with 2 or 3 bulbs and a nice shade that diffuse the light and that will cheer your living room up right away. If you have the cash, go look at Sue Johnson Lamps on Solano Av. - they have beautiful lamps that go perfectly in 100 year old houses. Or if you hate shopping or don't have time, go on potterybarn.com and pick out a few lamps that you like. I've bought rugs and tables too on PB and they hold up well and are not super expensive.
Do you like flowers and plants? A quick way for me to cheer up is to go out and buy a potted orchid (you could also order one online from https://www.ftd.com/ - I've done that too) It will look great for a couple of months with little effort from you, and then you just toss it and get another one.
Next thing is: research what kind of house you have so you can start to appreciate it more. Do you have a bungalow? a Victorian? Arts & Crafts? These are all highly prized so maybe that will help you feel better about your house! A lot of cities like Berkeley, Oakland, and Alameda have architectural historical societies where you find out about your neighborhood's history and go on tours of other peoples' houses which is fun, and you'll learn more about your house.
In terms of upkeep, probably everybody who owns a house has a running list of things large and small that need to be fixed or replaced. I keep mine on a google sheet that my husband and I share. I give each item a priority of 1, 2 or 3 and then just look at it once in a while. Occasionally there is something urgent, like your leak, but most to-do items can sit there for a while and you don't have to think about them if they are on the list. Honestly I don't think old houses have that many more issues than new houses. Even new houses get rats, and you know if your house has been standing for 100 years it is a solid house. It's probably just the little things that all homeowners have to deal with.
Rattly windows - my house has this. It's OK. If you're getting cold, invest in heavy drapes you can close on the cold days to keep warmer. But we are lucky to have mild weather and I don't really think too much about sealing them all up.
I hope you start to love your house more as time goes by. When I first moved into my house 20 years ago it didn't feel it would really be my house until I had touched every square inch of walls, floors, doors and windows and tamed it into being what I wanted my house to be. It takes a while!
I fell ya. We bought last summer after losing a few bids on houses in better areas. We settled on a town that increased my husband's commute and isn't "cool" so prices are more reasonable BUT we still doubled our mortgage from our previous, smaller home. In our case, we got a bigger house in a better neighborhood with lots of other positives over our old house but we still felt awful about the move for about a year. We had buyer's remorse, regret, fear, etc. even though we wouldn't want to go back to our old house. So my point is- I think it's a normal experience and you will get over it, especially after some time passes and you realize your home's probable increase in value. That will feel good! It's going to take some time to adjust but you'll learn to love your new house in ways you can't imagine now. If not, two years will go by quickly and you can then sell the house and keep your capital gains if you still aren't in love. It's all going to work out! =) I hope you two feel better soon.
You have listed a lot of challenges but I'll respond to a couple. I recently moved out of the Bay Area. I bought a bigger house but quickly learned the space & storage isn't as good. So, it's hard to put things away. I had a lot of plans for things to improved at my current house. I've learned you have to lower your expectations a bunch. Originally you probably think you want to tackle 15 things in 2 years but the reality is you may only get 3 projects done in 2 years. So, it helps to lower expecations. The other thing I figured out is it easily took us 2.5 years to get our house in order (fully unpack & put stuff up in correct spots). A friend shared that it took her 2 years as well after her move. My husband and I work and commute so we only have little time in the evenings (I have no energy) and then time on the weekends. So, again, I think lowering your expectations might be helpful. My kids struggled with what seemed like us always unpacking and organizing. I recommend getting rid of stuff as you unpack. We felt like we shed alot of stuff before we moved but we got rid of a ton more while unpacking. That always helps. I'd also say if you are unpacking over a weekend just spend a few focused hours (3-4 hours, 1/2 a day) and then quit & hang out w/ the kids. When you do work on house org try working w/ your spouse at the same time to get maximum benefit. Often my Husband and I would work in garage while kids were riding bikes nearby.
Additionally, I'd say my room was organized pretty quickly. The living area was kind of a mess for quite a while (1 yr or so). So, in hindsight I'd say give a couple rooms some priority early on so you have some comfortable places to hang out (kitchen, bedrooms, living room) and then tackle the others over time.
I think owning a home vs renting in the past can also bring about new challenges. You may not be there yet but in your rental you may have not liked your bathroom fixtures but you probably didn't think of changing them out. Once you own a house I feel like it's easy to look at tons of things that could be changed & improved. Over time you'll get a sense for what small and big things should be done and then let the others go for the future. Hang in there.
For decorating, I suggest Pinterest. That site is great for finding styles that suit you and cataloging what you like.
For leaky, noisy windows, get weather stripping. It is cheap and easy and makes a world of difference.
And for sadness, I suggest a practice of gratitude. For starters, be happy that your children are thriving. That is the most important part!
I'm sorry. Any chance you could sell it or rent it and move back to your old neighborhood? It sounds like you both have demanding jobs and your new home requires a lot of additional work. Not everyone needs to be homeowners. You should do what makes you happiest. And it sounds like you enjoyed being renters and living in your old place. Less yard work and you can spend more free time with your kids. Maybe you just needed to own a house to find that out.
Hello — Sorry to hear how overwhelmed and frustrated you feel. If you’re able to ask the BPN administrator for my email, I’m happy to figure out how to help you organize and create a basic plan of action. I’m a strategic planner by profession but right now a stay-at-home mom and have some time to help out if you are within easy driving distance from Berkeley. I’ve done a lot of moves in my adult life, so I think I might be helpful to you. You’ll dig out from under eventually! Good luck!
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know it's a bad, stressful feeling because I had VERY strong feelings of buyer's remorse after moving from a rental in San Francisco to a single family home in Berkeley last September. We made the decision to move based on logic rather than our gut feeling (North Berkeley is a nice neighborhood, we could send our kids to public school here when the time comes, owning vs renting is always the right choice for the long-term, the house felt like a reasonable etc - but we certainly weren't in love with the house we bought or totally confident that living in Berkeley was the right move). Like you, we bought a home over 1m that still needs plenty of TLC. So once we moved and had to deal with 1) a commute, 2) unending home projects, and 3) being far away from our social network, I was feeling like as made a HUGE mistake. It's been almost six months now and I'll tell you that I feel much better. I still miss SF and I still don't think this is our "forever home" - we still don't totally feel like we fit in around Berkeley. But, I've started to appreciate the good things about our situation (and there are many - great neighborhood, more space for our family, not having having to spend crazy insane amounts of money on rent + nanny since now we have a daycare) while also getting over the feeling that the house is permanent - it isn't. Can you try to focus on the good things (it feels great to pay down your mortgage instead of throwing away money on rent, right?, being a homeowner in the Bay Area is a big deal and accomplishment, etc) and then plan to re-evaluate the situation in six months to year? As opposed to the constant evaluation of "is this is the right decision? have we made a mistake" etc. I realize it's easier said than done. Also, a last thought is to spend a little time/$$ to fix up the house if you can. Just getting the architect drawing for our bathroom remodels was enough to make me feel positive and excited about the house. Good luck to you! I'm sure that you'll either 1) come to like your situation after more time passes or 2) find a way to change it back to something that you like.