Loneliness - single parent with shared custody

I recommend going to the Website MahJongg for everyone.There are people of all ages who play,and once you learn the game (classes are available)you can attend monthly brunches and it is easy to get into or sub for a regular group.It is the best way I know Of to make friends,plus it is fun!

HI,

I'm in the same boat- I could have written your post! I'd be happy to chat by phone or meet up. I'm new to this situation of being a single mom as I just started living on my own in May 2017, so still figuring out what to do. One thing I do that makes me less lonely is volunteering- I volunteer at the food bank, the pet shelter and with the local 4-H club. When the kids are not in my house volunteering helps reduce my loneliness, and reading help a lot. Netflix too.

Let me know if you'd like to connect.

Making friends here in Bay Area does seem so much harder than where I moved from 15 years ago! I am a divorced single Mom with two kids who started middle school this year. I'm an older parent to boot and find the majority of folks in my age group way done with parenting or have chosen not to.i want my kids to experience friends and families coming in and out of our house-being part of community. I haven't figured out how yet. Maybe a group needs to start for folks who want. Community for themselves and their family.

I don't know if I have any advice to give, but I am completely empathetic.  I grew up on the East Coast, and while I am happy here, I have not been able to make any good friends either.  I am hella involved in charities, school events, synagogue, but I have not been able to make lasting connections.  I wonder if there is an age window in your life where you make those lasting connections and when it closes...... I don't know.   Curious to hear what others have to say.

I would guess that you are too busy to take on a bunch of activities. Maybe just pick one thing, if it doesn't work out, move on. Such as classes, volunteering, or some singles group. Maybe try making friends with the parents of your kids' friends. Make sure to invite people you are interested in. Maybe tea, a movie, a walk, shopping, anything to get together. 

I was single until I was about 41 (though no children until after we got married), so I can empathize in part, anyway.  I did find lots of friends through sports - mainly through swimming (masters teams, most of which cater to literally every level of swimmer), but also running groups.  While I didn't meet my husband through swimming, my swimming friends were super supportive, and encouraged me with ideas of how to meet someone.  I met my husband via a "fancy" match service and, of the 70 people at our wedding, 20 were connected with my swimming group.  There is a fun masters swimming team in Berkeley and there must be running clubs, hiking clubs, gardening groups...etc., as others here mention.  Charities are also something you could look into, if you're inclined to do that. I'd also recommend looking into the more expensive/tailored dating services if you are interested in meeting potential partners.  All the best :)

I'm returning to your post as I wanted to reply. While I'm not a single mother I am a stay at home mom and you know that in itself can be very lonely. I'm 43 with two grade school kids. Most parents my age have careers or children that are much older. Connecting can be difficult. Happy to connect, hike, have tea or get the kids together for a playdate. 

Like others, I could have written this post.  I am divorced, in my 40's, with one child and family that lives on the East Coast.  I have also lost many friends/acquaintances due to the mass exodus from the Bay Area. Happy to commiserate with any of the folks on this thread in person.  :)

I feel the same.  I've been in the bay area my entire life and still don't have any  friends here.  It gets very lonely sometimes.  I've posted to other local parenting boards, but never got much response.  Happy to connect with you.  My kids are 2 and 4. 

I struggle with this too - AND I also feel like I've made some progress on this so I have some ideas.

1- Regularity helps.  Two of my close friends are ones I walk with at a set time weekly.  They are both busy people and this works because it met their needs in other ways. I have two other friends I hike with not quite as often, but it's the same kind of thing where we have a pattern so it's easy to keep doing it.  For me and for them it's a two for one - exercise plus social time.  I hate to say that I can't think of any friends who have enough free time they would commit to a weekly get together "just" for social reasons, though in the past I had friends who came to dinner every week on a set night.

2- Repeat/lengthy contact helps.  In my younger life my closer friends were made at the worst jobs - dishwasher, counter help at a bakery, etc. I often thought if I were to move somewhere new and feel lonely now I'd work a few hours a week as a barrista or something, just for the social interaction.  I think I made friends at those low level jobs because we just had a lot of hours to be together and there was opportunity to get to know each other. Some regularly volunteer thing could be like this too, if it was enough hours?  I want to try out meetups but I'm concerned it won't be regular or long enough contact.  Maybe a language class or something more stable?

3- This doesn't always work, but sometimes when I feel lonely I try to think of someone who might also feel lonely like me or more so and reach out to them, partly just as  a way to keep myself social, but also so that two people are getting to try something social. 

4- I'm playing with the idea of religion - feels sort of cheating as I'm not a "for sure" believer, but it's part of my childhood. But it might end up having the same problems as meetups - too casual, shifting, etc.

For me it feels like having teens and being divorced is all part of this - I lost the center of my life being doing so much always for/with the family, and yet I'm not completely on my own able to go out all the time.  Still figuring out the path forward.  Glad to see others are inspired to start something - please share what you come up with so we can join you!

Hi,

I totally empathize with you.  I'm a single Mom and I spend a lot of time trying to make new friends and none of them seem to stick.  So, I find myself lonely in the Bay Area.  I'd love to connect and see if we click.  Same goes to others who have responded to this post. Let's get together!

I have broken my heart over this issue, and put a lot of time into relationships that just did not last.  Very painful.  And it is much harder if you are an introvert . But it has gotten better with time, and I have made some new friends and strengthened old relationships. 

I have no magic bullet for you, but probably you have more luck if you get involved in something long-term that other people show up regularly for as well, whether it's hiking with Sierra singles, a book club, church, a class, a dance troupe, etc.  Anything that really interests you.  When you feel empty from loneliness, it's hard to feel you have something to offer.  But other people are lonely too, it just takes time to figure out who you might want to be more intimate friends with.

Also I do my best to let people know who I am right away (I'm not very conventional).  It just takes time to get a sense of who someone is and to form trust.  For example, my husband made a lot of friends through a swimming class he keeps taking.  Perhaps you and your child might take a tai chi or martial arts class together?

The other thing is to continue make overtures that invite friendship and not worry about the outcome. I'll give someone a book on a topic they're interested in, or bring over soup if they're sick.  My husband is very good about mailing birthday cards (yeah, the paper kind)--that's done a lot to cement relationships.  It's a little like investing in the stock market long-term: you invest some time and see if people reciprocate and show an interest in you.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  And keep investing, because it's your best chance of a good return.

Take heart--you're not alone.  Best of luck to you!

I don't know if it's depressing or consoling that there are so many of us out there. I'm also in my 40s and and East Coast transplant who, despite living in the Bay Area for over 10 years, really doesn't have any close friends locally. If there a way we can contact each other and see what happens?