Pre-parenting class for mental and emotional prep

I think it is SO admirable that you are really grappling with how you feel about the proposition of becoming a parent, kudos to you. It IS a really big thing and too many people just stumble into it and are unhappy later. That said, it is also, for the vast majority of folks, the best thing to ever happen to them, even the anxious ones (myself included!). Yes, you lose a lot of freedom for a while (if by freedom you mean picking up and taking off whenever) but you also gain so much love in return, and as the parent of a college student I can tell you it goes by in the blink of an eye and then you have more freedom than you know what to do with!

I hope you can find your group, but I wanted to post to say that each person's feelings around this are individual and complex, and so a group might not necessarily place to find help. There are definitely therapists and even life coaches who can work with you on just this issue short term to help sort things out. In any case, I just wanted to thank you for being so thoughtful about the situation, and wish you the best!

Hi Ben - my husband felt the same, and for this reason we waited until I was 37 to start trying to conceive. By that time conceiving was extremely difficult and it took us several years of miscarriages and problems due to my "advanced maternal age." For that entire time he wasn't flatly opposed, but he was scared and very unenthusiastic. This stress took a HUGE toll on our relationship, one that I don't think we've ever recovered from. In my opinion, this is something to be more afraid of than the (inevitable) loss of freedom that becoming a father will bring. I have never been able to express to him how much his avoidance and our disconnect hurt me. My age only allowed us to have 1 child, and though my son is an outgoing, happy guy, he would have loved having siblings and I would have loved 2 children - so my husband's anxiety had a huge impact on everyone in our family. In hindsight we both now understand that his fear and anxiety was actually quite specific to him, his personality, and upbringing - by which I am trying to say, reconsider 1:1 therapy, if you suspect your relationship may hinge on this decision. He never did this, but it could have really helped all of us.

Here's the kicker though - when I finally managed to have a viable pregnancy in my 40s, he started to be thrilled - still scared, but thrilled. The first about 8-10 months of parenting were painful - the transition was tough, especially because we'd had loads of freedom well into middle age. But they were also crazy FUN and he has THANKED ME repeatedly over the years, with tears in his eyes and from the bottom of his heart, for making this happen and never giving up. He ADORES our son and has delighted in being a dad in a million ways that one simply cannot imagine until it happens. They have a magical, incredible friendship. Our son turned 18 last week, and my husband once again told me that these 18 years have been the best of his life and he would have missed everything if he'd let his worries win. You do lose freedom and it is massive "life change" - but what you gain is just incalculable. 

This is the one thing we did that helped a little bit - we got a dog. The responsibility and time demands aren't the same, but they help.

Good luck!

To add to what the previous person said, it's a great idea to really think it through. During the standard meet-with-the-minister sessions before my husband and I got married, I was kind of surprised to discover through the conversations that the reason I was so unsure about parenthood (my husband was 100% for and I was very much on the fence), was because my mom did literally every single thing to do with house/family for 3 kids while my dad worked, and I didn't want to do that, and obviously I didn't have to. Anyway, you may or may not figure something like that out during group therapy... But as someone who was basically initially certain I didn't ever want kids, then on the fence because I wanted to marry my then fiancé and he wanted kids, being a mom is BY FAR the most meaningful thing I've done in my life to date. I'm not the type to go on and on about it publicly, and I think a lot of parents have enough of a clue that they don't constantly go around gushing like that, but I bet if you asked some of your good friends with children some questions about what having children means to them and how that fits in or balances out with the loss of certain freedoms, they would all say similar things. You might still decide it's not for you, but you'd hear some things that you wouldn't normally hear. It's impossible to put into words how it affects you and the capacity for love that you didn't know you had, but it's incredibly challenging in various ways, and it certainly can cost you freedom, money, and sometimes some sanity, so it's great that you're thinking carefully about it. 

Not a class, but I'd recommend "The Baby Decision" by Merle Bombardieri. I'm not much of a self-help book person, but after finding very few resources to help my partner and I with this question, I gave it a try and am glad I did

Ditto the first respondent to your question. I don't know of any specific classes for that issue, but I do know of a mens group made of male parents. Pretty sure that particular group is closed but therapists out there may be able to point you to something, even if you're not looking for individual therapy. Some therapists host such groups. 

One way to think about the questions you're asking is framing it slightly differently: how can you adapt your life such that you don't have to lose as much freedom if you decide to have a baby? There are parenting styles wherein the parent gives up their interests as they focus solely on their child. But there are other approaches that encourage you to welcome your kid into the adult world. I learned a lot from the book Hunt Gather Parent and I'm sure there are many others out there. There are tons of classes out there that most people don't take into until they have a baby, but maybe knowing a bit more about parenting "hacks" in advance will make you more confident about maintaining your current lifestyle. For instance, baby wearing classes. Baby wearing frees you up to do a lot of stuff, rather than being homebound or nap trapped. It's how women get stuff done with their babys on their backs in the rest of the world. Another idea might be a baby/toddler sleep class, since one of the biggest challenges for parents is sleep. If you know how to approach it, then not only might you avoid lots of frustration, but your life may be a little more predictable once baby arrives. Or baby lead weaning (helps your baby learn to eat the same meals as you, skipping the pureé phase) or montessouri inspired parenting (entertainment for kids is based on building life and real world skills rather than playing barbie and monster trucks. encourages you to invite them more into your activities). So the more informed you are about specific parenting approaches, the more intentionally you can enter into parenthood (if that's what you decide to do), and avoid losing yourself in the overwhelm of first time parenting.

This is all to say, if you don't find what you need, maybe explore this other way of framing your question. Good luck

Perhaps not exactly what you are looking for, but I would recommend the “Babyproofing Your Relationship - Essential Prep for Expecting Parents” offered by Aaron Steinberg at Natural Resources in SF. It definitely helped us think through and prepare for the ways our marriage would change.