Asking Friends & Relatives for Donations
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- Friends' frequent requests for money donations
- Solicit donations from my clients for son's team?
Friends' frequent requests for money donations
March 2008
I have friends who belong to organizations, lead organizations, and run marathons. Quite frequently, friends personally ask me for monetary donations to support their causes. When I was younger and starting out, even when money was an issue, I certainly didn't mind offering a small donation of perhaps $50 to support lymphoma or breast cancer for example for a friend running in a marathon. Now that I am older and financially established, friends hope and somewhat expect that I have the means to offer thousands of dollars to support their causes. I have been even placed on permanent mailing lists which I think is a bit rude. Annually I do donate to organizations of my choosing but I wish my friends would not persist in this arena. It has come to the point that one friend remarked, ''Why don't you just donate what you donated to .... to my organizaion?!'' or, (comparing qualities in friends, never good) ''Suzy Q donated $2000 to our organization this year, you really should, don't you think?'' How would you handle this situation? Why can't friends keep money out of the equation? Frustrated
How about sending an e-mail to all of these fund-raising friends (blind cc list), saying something like, ''Dear friends, as you all know, I have donated to many causes over the years, and have rarely if ever, turned down a peronal request for a donation. What you may not know, is that I also donate to causes that I am personally, if more privately, committed to. While I wish I could continue to support all the different causes that all of us support, and I applaud everyone's efforts for doing this important work, I have decided to select a finite number of causes and support those as fully as I am able. So from now on, I will not be making donations to other organizations. I wrote this letter to everyone because I feel badly about saying no to anyone. But I'm sure you all understand we all have our limits, and I have now found mine. Thanks for understanding!'' That should nip it in the bud, no? anon
This is a very good issue to raise. Giving money to causes you support can be a wonderful thing, as you get the good feeling that you are helping make the world a better place. However, getting browbeaten because you haven't given enough to someone else's pet cause (in their estimation) is not such a wonderful feeling.
My husband and I make a careful plan for our giving at the end of every calendar year. We favor making fewer, larger gifts rather than scattering smaller gifts between many organizations. When people hit me up, I explain our strategy to them. Not everyone is happy. Some people are so passionate about their causes that they can't understand how you could fail to share their passion. Explain to them that, while you admire their commitment to X, you have made other commitments.
One of the problems of being a donor is that you sometimes feel as though your reward for making gifts is more mail, more requests and higher expectations. But it's still worth it to support the causes you believe in, and they really do need your money. Stick to your guns, don't feel apologetic and keep on giving. Giver
I know exactly how you feel. I've been responding this way: ''How great that you're running/walking/bicycling. I want my charity dollars to go to one or two places so I can follow the impact my donations have. This year I'm donating to Heifer International and Habitat for Humanity because those causes are really important to me. (During Katrina it was to the Red Cross.) So many people have asked me to sponsor them, it felt like my giving was too scattered.'' Still feels awkward but it's the truth. Choosing Charities
I have this problem and it bugs me a little too. I even get them from people who are my business clients. I remind myself that their intentions are good and my response is usually ''thanks for this wonderful opportunity but I will be sticking to my own list of donations for the year. I hope your bowl-a-thon is very successful.'' Or something like that. Nice - to the point. Pick your own good will!
Friends no longer ask me to donate to their organization unless they are willing to donate the same amount to my organization, ''Huntington's Disease Society of America'' at www.hdsa.org. Committed to Preventing Huntington's Disease
When friends ask me money for their causes I give what I can. If you don't feel like giving, then my advice would be to say I don't feel like it, maybe some other time. It's that simple
Solicit donations from my clients for son's team?
Jan 2003
I would really appreciate feedback on the following issue. My senior son has been on a Berkeley High School sports team throughout hs. This team relies for the bulk of its $ from fundraising - it gets VERY little from the school district. Once a year there is a major fundraiser, which includes our having to come up with a list of at least 20 names to solicit. I am self-employed, performing a service for a stable regular clientele in their homes, many of whom have been my clients for years. These are really the only people I know who have money to spare. However, for the past three years I have never solicited from them because it just didn't seem right. I've never really been clear about this though and if I get a response that most people think it's ok to solicit from my clients (most of whom have met my son but don't really know him) then I'll do so this year. What do folks think? Especially those who have a service worker coming to their home on a regular basis - would you be offended if that person solicited $ from you for their child's sports team? Is it appropriate? anon
I think that it is a very bad idea. I certainly would not appreciate being solicited in this way (I don't appreciate any solicitations). Also, I don't think that it would be good for your business relationship with your clients--personal stuff (like your son's school activities) should be kept separate from business. Finally, I don't think that it is a good idea for BHS to encourage its students to use soliciation as a means to obtain money for their athletics. I think that the kids should be encouraged to EARN money and use their own money to fund their extra-curricular athletics. And if the parents think it is important, they should support the activities themselves. And if you think that the activities should be part of the curriculum (i.e. paid for by the school district) then you should get together with like-minded parents, teachers, students etc. and use political means (voting, lobbying, etc.) to obtain what you want. -another mom
I think you may risk losing your clients. I find it very uncomfortable when people solicit for their children's fundraising either by selling things or just asking for money. Other people may feel differently, but I don't like being forced to buy candies that I never eat, or just plainly being put in a situation where I feel I HAVE TO give money. I would encourage your son to offer some type of services to people and then get paid for it rather than just asking people for money. It will make him even more appreciate what he gets to do with his hard earned money. As a parent, I don't feel comfortable asking other people to pay for my children's causes, especially without offering anything in return. I think parents need to be aware that others may not share the same interest in their own children. Being solicited constantly by other people can be pretty annoying. I would keep the professional relationships as they are, professional. Anon
Personally, I don't like soliciting my contacts this way, especially since these fundraising outfits take such a big percentage. I figure out what the bottom-line fundraising goal is and then write a check for what I think is my fair share. Helena
I personally would have no problem donating to a child's fundraising, particularly if I had met the child and if I felt I knew the parent fairly well (i.e., if the parent helped me at my home on a regular basis). anon
No, I don;t think it's a good idea to ask your clients for donations because it could put them in an uncomfortable position. However, I did want to correct the perception other people had about how and why kids on these teams raise money.
A popular way to raise money for high school sports is to require everyone on the team to write 10 letters to family and friends asking for outright donations of cash. I have seen this in lacrosse and crew at Berkeley High, and also at a preschool one child attended. I think the idea is that every family has a few relatives or close friends who can afford to donate something. This method is always used in addition to other fundraising strategies such as car washes. Typically, each kid is given 10 fill-in-the-blank letters and 10 envelopes and told to fill them out and bring them back in. The first time I heard about it was when my sister called me from out of state to ask me how much she should send. My kid had collected addresses from my address book without me knowing! I was embarassed! Since then, we have received them on a regular basis from the children of friends and business associates as far away as LA. The reason why the teams do this is because sports like lacrosse and crew are not supported by the schools, and the equipment is expensive. For BHS lacrosse, the equipment for one kid was $600-$800. There are trips every week all over the Bay Area for 40 or 50 kids, and if they are any good, regional and state games that require plane fare and food and accommodation for all the kids. The coaches salaries are not always paid by the school and must come from donations or fees that the students pay to play the sport.
If these teams don't raise money to cover these costs, then only the rich kids can play. At BHS there are a lot of poor kids, and no one is ever turned away who wants to play. So the money has to come from somewhere. These letters raised more money than any other method when my son was playing lacrosse and that's why they send them out. So now, I send money sometimes and sometimes I ignore. If I were you I would not hand them out to clients. On the other hand, most parents of school-aged kids have seen these letters or have been hit up for other items, and they will not be offended, and will feel free to hit *you* up when their kid starts fundraising.
We think a thank you from the teen is appropriate.
We have specific times that we donate (mostly during the last quarter of the year).
Also try to have some funds available pre-school year for families who cannot afford backpacks, school supplies etc.
Don't feel pressured by this family. If they ask you for monies for their fundraisers, you can decline - because there are so many non-profits, groups in need now.
Scrooge, nothing. The whole idea of kids constantly asking friends and family for money so they can do activities is absurd. If our kids want to do something, we pay for it. If it were focused on ensuring kids who couldn't pay were the ones benefiting, then it would make sense, but it's rarely clear that's the point. That the family in question doesn't even acknowledge your contribution makes it clear this situation is so normalized that it no longer even registers as an effort on your part to be helpful. It's really out of hand.
Hi! Many of these fundraising companies will use past donations and hit you up to donate again, without the original person knowing it! I was donating to a family member even after she quit softball. It’s predatory what these places do, in my opinion. Anyways just throwing that out there.
You are not a scrooge.
You can tell them, or not, but you have zero obligation to keep donating. Zero obligation in any event, but definitely zero obligation in this case.
And it is totally up to you whether you let the daughter or parents know why you're not feeling moved to donate.
I don't think you need to think of yourself as a scrooge. There should be no pressure on anyone to do anything they don't want to do. The fact that you have donated in the past should be enough. It doesn't make you a bad person in any way. You may choose to pitch in sometime in the future and that's fine. It's also fine if you don't.
Do not contribute generous amounts. Contribute the amounts, if any, that you feel do not require gratitude (you will not get any). Some people tend to abuse kindness...Treat them kindly but with less donations
Of course, you don’t have to give when asked and it sounds like your very wealthy friends could opt out by offering to donate more themselves. I am not wealthy and my friends are not wealthy. I work in the public sector and most of my friends do too. We don’t have corporate matching for fundraising campaigns or anything like that. My child has participated in some very worthwhile activities that use fundraising companies and I’m uncomfortable with the fundraising aspect but I’m not going to pull my child out of sports because they find so much joy in them. I find the fundraising embarrassing but I can’t buy my way out of it. All families may be required or pressured to give names and emails/phone numbers of potential donors. Like the other reader said, these companies recycle names and contact information and they send requests and reminders that you can’t control. The worst thing is that these fundraising companies are basically banks that have a lot of money and they make more money with float, when their “work” is mostly automated. Our world is very imperfect and we as parents are trying our best to help our children navégate it.
We tithe a chunk of our gross income to some serious causes and, no, I don't think you're a petty scrooge. I have plenty of friends and relatives with kids, some prosperous, some not, and few of them ask us to buy more than raffle tickets, although I did once give generously to help a close friend's daughter attend an international soccer tournament for public high school students, and we donate $25.00 to $100.00 to any local charitable projects that the grandkids are working on.
Even the kindest people can be a little clueless about such matters if they were born wealthy. You might consider explaining to your friend that you have other commitments this year and can only make one donation--and of course it's up to you whether you want to be more blunt. I'd also bring up the lack of thanks; apart from the fact that (most) human beings deserve basic courtesy, good manners will serve this child well as she grows up.
Just say no thank you or don't respond at all to the fundraising email, and don't feel bad at all about it.
The "spam your friends" fundraisers suck. Some say it doesn't hurt to ask. I feel it does hurt to ask, and your story is the evidence.
Our family comes from humble backgrounds. Vacation for us typically means camping and travel means visiting relatives. I could never ask my family or friends to help pay for my kid's hobbies / interests, / sports.
My kid joined a sports team and another activity. We signed up fully expecting to pay our own way, plus a bit extra for scholarships, and participate in some form of fundraiser for any gaps that needed filling. I was not prepared for the "requirement" to spam our relatives and friends inboxes as a part of that. The "fundraiser" for both of my kid's activities is an email writing session where my kid is required to bring a list of 5-10 contacts and then send fundraising emails to those contacts. It's a bit entitled and pretty awkward for us, so we made up a couple of fake relatives, plus me and my spouse, plus my sibling who is in a similar boat with their kid, (we hatched an agreement to sponsor each other's kid for a set amount so they can participate) For the fake relative or grandparent we pay the money ourselves so it looks like kid is showing up for the team. I don't like any of what this is teaching my kid, and my kid fully understands how we are faking it.
I understand that fundraisers are necessary for inclusion. I understand that fundraisers are freaking hard to organize and some things like yard sales and bake sales do not make sense when you add up everyone's time vs. the fundraising outcome. Rather than spam our friends, My spouse and I try to pick up some extra hours at work or do side hustles or sell stuff we no longer need and then contribute the earnings from that. When our kid reached teenagerhood, I expected the teens would contribute at least part from themselves - the kids could totally come up with a side hustle either individually (yardwork, babysitting, etc) or collaboratively with minimal helicoptering (yard sale, flea market stall, hiring themselves out for a group labor project, or a neighborhood-litter-pick-up-athon which may find some happy donors while also doing good. Having kids just ask people for money with no effort feels wrong to me, like we are raising our kids to be entitled young adults.
End of rant. You are absolutely not a scrooge and shouldn't be pressured that way.
I a different perspective. It’s hard to know what’s going on… if it’s a good friend, I’d donate 10 dollars and depending on how it’s donated- don’t pay donation processing fees, write a check. Let them know your family has cut way back on non-profit donations- so it doesn’t send any hidden messages. Communicating through not supporting something you have in the past because you are annoyed is bad for your friendship. I get it though- reciprocation is always nice but this is an established pattern in your friendship to support your friend’s kid. If your friend didn’t support your kid that’s a different matter.
The reason I take this position is it’s not about the amount but participation. Your friends child is a person separate from her- they benefit from having people in their lives who care. It shows up on the roster of the school or sports team how many people donated. You never know- your child may need a donation one day and maybe the “money filling that friend bucket” will come in handy! Not sure if your kid is a teen- but it’s not a time to judge character- it’s hard to get teens to do anything. Teens need our example of how to be a friend in the long run.
Think of the friendship 10 years down the road. It’s hard to build friendships today and what we’ve built with eachother is worth a lot! Even if the history is a bit less than perfect. If it’s a relationship had other issues I’d re-evaluate. And don’t take on any new donations so you’ll never get caught again.