Dealing with high anxiety teen

Hey!

My daughter experiences some anxiety as well. One thing we tried is keeping an anxiety log. Everytime she gets nervous, we will write down the date, time, and maybe some potential triggers. We were able to find some patterns (when she doesn't sleep, she is more likely to be very stressed the next day)

I think the other thing is just to spend a lot of time talking to your daughter. Talk to her about everything -- life, school, boys -- and that way she can open up to you about why she might be feeling anxiety. 

Wishing you the very best.

Hi,

We have done a lot of the same. My daughters anxiety seem to be triggered by hormones and allergies. She took the 3 month pill and it really did help.  Getting good sleep was a huge issue as well. Trazadone worked for getting her sleep cycle on track. 

Allergies also prevented a good nights sleep and ability to pay attention.  Dayquil, allergy shots, Zyrtec.  So far so good. At some point she will have a sleep check to see if there is sleep apnea.

Of course lots of conversations Hugs and love.

Dear Amomanon

I really feel for you. I too have an anxious teen who, after two years of periodically meeting with his therapist, is now happily camped at college. My son also at times begged us to take him out of school. It took us a while to understand his reasons. He wax anxious about not fitting in and had a tendency to blow things out of proportion. We found a therapist named Scott Fischer, who is very relatable with teens, and this is the first therapist (out of three) that my son has "clicked with". Scott specializes in working with teens/young adults with anxiety, ADD, etc. His methods work for my son, because they talk while walking or moving around rather than sitting face-to-face in an office (which my son found intimidating). Scott is very laid back and has helped my son really express himself and get to the "core" of his feelings, rather than focusing on quick behavioral fixes. We have tried CBT in the past to treat anxiety and my son will be the first to report that the behavioral habit reversal techniques only addressed his symptoms but not the cause. You can learn more about Scott at https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/Scott_Fischer_MFT_Berkel... or at scott.fischer81 [at] gmail.com (scott[dot]fischer81[at]gmail[dot]com)  

Please reexamine your stance against homeschooling/independent study. Read about it, talk with parents and teens who are doing it. Your daughter is telling you what she needs, and you respond negatively?  Please listen to your daughter and trust her to know what she needs for herself. Give her more control over her life. If her school isn't working for her and she is telling you that in every way she knows how, please listen to her. 

There is a supplement called PharmaGaba that helps when you’re having a panic attack. My daughter used it once & it helped very much. Knowing it was available was a huge help later - she felt more in control & less afraid of getting one in public. Depending on school policy, she could keep one in her backpack or at the school office. 

My daughter also likes to use aromatherapy essential oils. She’ll bring a scented cloth in her backpack. Again, it’s about control over her moods. 

Last - I let her have one ‘skip day’ to use when she needs a break from the stress, no questions asked, each semester. If she’s begging to stay home, I’ll ask if she wants to use her skipday, and she’ll decide to save it for later  

This is a hard thing to deal with. I’ve been there, and I feel for you. 

Our anxious teen is only 13 and so far we have three things that seem to have helped somewhat. The first is that he is taking one of his classes online instead of in a traditional classroom setting. This seems to give him a little breathing space during the day. He goes to the library to "do his work" but mostly seems to save his work for afternoons or the the weekend and uses the time during the day to just chill a bit. The second thing is that on the weekends I help him sort out all the stray papers in his backpack (because he seems incapable of filing them and then gets overwhelmed which seems to be a trigger for his anxiety) and each day we go over what homework he has due that day and what he has coming up. I help him make lists of things he needs to do and that helps to keep him on track a bit. The third thing is that when I "tuck him in," I spend 30-60 minutes just talking about what is going on in life and work to help him reframe things in a more positive light and help him brainstorm solutions to things going on with him. We also prioritize him spending time with his friends and getting enough sleep and have sent him (already) to a college counselor because he would fret endlessly about not getting into college.

All that said, he's still coming home at lunch today because he spent 1.5 hours last night crying about going to school today so it isn't like this is a panacea. But things are far better than they were.

Hi, I have a 14 year old who experiences anxiety and it often leads to school refusal. It's so stressful so I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I don't have the answer because I think it's a very complex issue. But I am finding that family therapy is helping somewhat. She's on medication as well and has a therapist. CBT is a great form of therapy for depression,and anxiety: it might just take a while. I think there's so much pressure on teenagers these days both socially and academically that if there's a child who is sensitive, they're just going to be anxious. I'd be interested in hearing what other people have to say. I think having an anxiety journal is great a great idea if you can get her to do it.
All the best!

If she is interested in homeschool or do independent study, community colleges have many online UC approved classes.  If she is a dual-enrolled high school student taking less than 10 units per quarter, it is tuition free.  Hope this helps.

I have two highly anxious teens.  I empathize with you.  It is very difficult to parent anxious teens - walking on egg shells all the time.  Its so hard to give them enough support to literally survive, while providing them the tools to move toward a healthy, independent life.

It sounds like you have taken the positive steps of therapy, medication, and a low-stress school.  I honestly don't know how much you can do at home to support your daughter, assuming you are getting guidance from her therapist.  I have two thoughts:

1. Have you considered a one-to-one tutoring model school that is familiar in working with high anxiety teens?  One such example is Lydian Academy in Menlo Park.  I imagine there is something similar in the East Bay.

2. You may want to begin working with a consulting group such as The Bodin Group in Los Altos.  It sounds like your daughter is really struggling despite all supports.  Bodin could help assess the situation and suggest alternative paths.  I do not know of a similar group in the East Bay.  Bodin is fairly unique in what they do.  

Persist, good luck, and do something for yourself today.  Those of us who parent anxious children are in it for the long haul.

Hi -

I too have a teen with anxiety.  I encourage you to work with her doctor to see if she needs a med dosage change or med change. Sometimes, due to extra stresses, meds need to be adjusted.  My teen was homeschooled for a few years before high school and in hindsight I think socially it would have been better to stay in school w/more therapy and medication.  We didn't start medication until later towards the end of homeschool and returning to public school.  It is still a process and probably will be for awhile.  I am also considering looking into a homeopathic doctor, but need my teen's agreement to change diet before exploring that option.

My 19 year old has all three (3) forms of anxiety and I asked her viewpoint on your situation.  What I say now is from the mouth of someone who lives with anxiety on a daily basis.  She also is in CBT therapy and on medication. 

Cam states the following: 

Homeschooling and independent study will not help the anxiety.  It will make it too easy to become a hermit and not live life.  Talk to friends when having a bad day, make sure you get support from your friends.  Tell your teachers you have anxiety and ask for support and understanding.  Parents: do not force your child to go to school if she is having a bad day.  Daughter: if you miss school make sure you get your homework done and turned in.  Parents: when your daughter is having an attack, ask her what she needs for support.  Perhaps it will be to leave her alone, or tell her everything will be okay.  Allow her to tell you how she needs support.  Sometimes a change of area will help, such as taking her for a drive.  Make sure she is taking her meds.  Be supportive.  Recognize when she does go to school but don't overpraise.  Going through a panic attack can stop you in  your tracks and for the person having the attack, makes them feel stupid.  Look, panic attacks are going to happen, but you can't spend your life worrying about them, you just need to keep moving forward. 

My daughter has offered to speak with yours if she would like.  My daughter is 19 1/2 - was diagnosed with her anxiety disorder at 16 and started meds at 17.  She just started her 2nd year at SFState, has a part-time job and is doing really well.  Not sure if the administrator of this website will allow for a connection but happy to let the two girls talk if it will help.  Over time it does get better, but as a parent you need patience, understanding, love and not getting into your own heads that all this is your fault or that you are bad parents.   My daughter does live at home and looks to move out her jr year at college.  She is a great kid and we are pretty close.  It took me a long time to understand her and not be negative and pushy.  I am a pretty strong parent and my husband is the soft parent so until we got to our groove, it was tough on us also.  She does text or call us when she needs help and we stop to give it to her.  No matter what, she is our first priority and she knows this.  Make sure your daughter understands that no matter what you love her.  You support her.  She is perfect the way she it.  

Hi there,

I highly recommend Holden High School. They have lots of experience working with teens who are anxious. The school day is shorter, there is a lot of flexibility in the curriculum, and weekly on-site therapy built into the program. You should check them out. Best wishes.

First of all, I am sorry to hear that your daughter and you have been struggling so much with the issue of anxiety and how it impacts all of you. I have definitely been there. My first recommendation will sound odd, but I would add one extra act of "self care" to your (yes, you the mom) week. It sounds like you're the main support for your daughter, and this is an "oxygen first" kind of situation. You'll need sustained compassion, firmness and energy to shepherd your daughter through these years. We did all of the same things you are doing: small, supportive private school, therapy, exercise, meds. Same request from then 14 year old daughter: home school me! We didn't consider independent study, but that might have benefitted her because one thing she really hated was sitting in glass with her brain racing, feeling bored, and being unable to focus. But in her case, I think her level of depression and anxiety was greater than we really knew. She began to refuse school altogether (one month) her freshman year. We also did some family therapy, and my husband and I sought out a parent coach--all of these things helped, but not enough. Ultimately, my daughter just grew more anxious and depressed and needed a higher level of care. We would never ever in our wildest dreams have considered sending her to a therapeutic boarding school, but that's what we ended up doing. We had her evaluated (a neuropsych assessment), and it was recommended. It was a really hard choice as well as expensive. But it was also like all of us gaining life skills on steroids. My daughter got a great high school education in a supportive setting and learned how to pull herself out of depression--or as she says, "to live a full life despite depression." She's home now, attending a very supportive, low low stress college prep high school called Orinda Academy. She looks forward to going to school every day. Life isn't perfect, but we now know we can get through challenges together in a more loving, less stress filled way. Everyone in the family is doing better. Our story may not fit your situation: I hope you can find success with more local solutions. But just in case you try and it doesn't work, please, please, please take heart. You will make it through these trying times. And if you want to join a support group, you might try one of these:  (Low fee)  Family Sanity: familysanitygroup [at] gmail.com     Free: http://willowsinthewind.wixsite.com/willowsinthewind/support-groups      All the best...