Husband and SSRI side effects
Hey, slightly embarrassing question here. I'm in my 30s, my husband is in his 40s, and he has taken SSRI medication since his early 30s. Over the past ten years, his sex drive has gradually diminished to the point where it is virtually non-existent. I am pretty sure this is a side effect of the meds, but he is also constantly stressed about work and stuff so who knows. It shouldn't matter, but I'm in good shape and take care of myself so I know that's not the issue. Needless to say, this really sucks for me. He gets sad and defensive when I bring it up, and has a woe-is-me, everybody criticizes me for everything type of attitude. He's not willing to go off the meds or change them because he thinks it would affect him too much at work, and has flat out told me, "I can't give you what you want." Besides this issue, I love him, he's a good dad, and a good friend, and I'm not willing to completely upend our kids' lives over this by leaving him or cheating on him - I would never do that. But, I stew about it literally all the time and feel sad and angry about it. I also can't talk to any friends about it out of respect for his privacy. Can anyone give me advice about how to just chill out and accept that this is my reality? Should I go to therapy? Has anyone in this situation made peace with it?
Parent Replies
Would he be willing to simply talk to his doctor -- making no promises about what he will or won't do, treatment-wise?
I know people will sometimes refuse to take even the first step, for fear they will be forced to embark on a path that leads somewhere they don't want to go. But maybe you could at least get him to find out what the options are. It may not be the medication - it may be something else entirely.
If not, I would definitely recommend therapy - couples counseling ideally; just you if he won't.
You sound really empathetic and reasonable. And he sounds like a good guy who is doing what he has to do for his mental health.
Try this:
1. Masturbate.
2. Go to a couples counselor.
2. In the safe environment with the counselor, bring up the possibility of "opening" your relationship. That is, what if you and he could agree that you can see other people? (Or that you both can see other people. But he doesn't seem interested in that.) He could participate in choosing the other people. OR you could do the "don't ask don't tell" version where you can see other people as long as you don't tell him about it.
There are whole books about this. If you and he both agree to the terms, it is NOT infidelity.
You're in your 30s; this is your sexual prime. And even if it weren't, why miss out?
Many years ago, my husband was on SSRIs and had the same issue. He told his doctor who prescribed him Wellbutrin for the side effects and it worked really well. He should call his doctor ASAP. Btw, my husband has a similar victim-type attitude that I find challenging.