What has gotten your child to stop hitting?

One thing that stood out in your post was that you "make a big deal" in terms of praising him for not hitting. One of my son's preschool teachers told me that when you praise lavishly it can actually increase the stress around the behavior at this stage - it doesn't work as positive reinforcement the way you might think.  And a lot of misbehavior has to do with seeking attention - kids want attention whether it's positive or not.  Maybe your giving him attention at bedtime just made him want more attention, so he started hitting you? I'd try giving yourself a time out when he hits you - go into the bathroom and lock the door.  And give the brother, not him, a lot of attention when he hits the brother.    

Been there and can’t say for sure what works and what doesn’t, but a few ideas that we cycle through:

- describe the behaviour ie “you seem frustrated” etc or what they’re trying to achieve “you are trying to ask for space”

- compliment use of words “ie you asked for space with your words” and then notice the difference in response “you used your words and your little brother was able to understand what you needed, see how he moved away?”

- we also sometimes hold down hands, which I hate but is supposed to work?!? Can also result in her getting more annoyed or saying we’re hurting her

- give attention to the injured sibljng

- saying things like “ouch! You hurt me! I know you don’t mean to hurt me”

- sometimes my daughter gets overwhelmed and we will go sit in her closet together and hug. Then after she calms down I tell her that if she ever needs quiet time or a hug with mama then to just ask, I am always here

- I also always reiterate that it’s ok to get frustrated, it’s not ok to use our hands like that. And that I will always love her and that we are all learning / practicing how to deal with our big feelings

- I will exaggerate my own coping mechanisms when frustrated. Ie “mummy is frustrated, I need a minute. I am going to take some big breaths / count to ten, etc”. What’s cute is that my daughter will now often offer me a hug when she sees I’m frustrated so something must be getting through haha

good luck! Know that a lack of impulse control is developmentally appropriate at this age, and that by lending them our calm and helping them find tools to cope, we can support them learning how to deal with these big feelings. 
 

also remember, that it’s hard!! Give yourself grace! Some days I just. Can’t. Deal. And I get so frustrated. You are also human, it is ok to feel frustrated ;)

I recommend the Good Inside podcast with Dr Becky. She has a few episodes on this and similar issues. 

Hello! I am a very new parent so don't have any resources of my own to offer. But my sister, an amazing mom of two elementary aged kids, mentioned she found a lot of helpful tips on navigating aggressive behavior in an episode of the Good Inside podcast. It's episode 6 from May 2021. 

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job being thoughtful and kind in a really tough situation. Sending good luck and good vibes your way! 

-Annabelle 

Hello- sorry about this and hope it gets better. 
What helps me a lot is to show I will not be there with my child if he hits me. If I’m for example playing or sitting with him, I remove myself from the room and say that this is not allowable. I go to another room and do not come back unless there’s acknowledgment of the behavior. 
Given I leave, sometimes it causes tears etc but it has helped a lot to avoid the behavior. 
good luck!

"so I hold his arms down which he does not like. It can get him to stop, but doesn’t always and now he’s claiming I am hurting him, which I really don’t like bc it feels like I’m teaching him to hurt which clearly is not the intention and I have to have a way to get him to stop hurting me in the moment"

Many little kids will lash out by hitting and other aggressive misbehavoir. It seems like you are trying to set limits and impose consequences,but the "Caught you being good" for not hitting is not working. Super Nanny has many, many episodes training parents in effective discipline techniques. It is free on Utube, or one can watch all nine seasons on Hulu..

I find her discipline techniques have worked well for my spirited and willful grandchildren.

Another mom taught me ages ago that when her kids felt unbalanced, she would look at their daily routine and see what she could tweak: What healthy foods can they add? What unhealthy foods can they cut? Do they need more snack? More exercise? Less screen? Earlier bedtime? I have found that over the years that for little kids, less (or no) screen and an earlier bedtime heals a multitude of woes. So I would try that first. The fact that your son is hitting you especially at bedtime suggests that he's overtired and needs to go to bed even earlier. In addition, you need a better set of consequences for hitting. When my son was younger we used the book 1,2,3 Magic, and it was awesome. It sets very clear guidelines for kids to teach them self-control, and the consequence is a time out. There is no shouting, no lecturing, no physical punishment, and no wrestling a kid's arms down to his sides. It's just 3 strikes and a timeout. It was super helpful, and it really works. I would say hitting hard, kicking, and biting are an automatic time out without even counting 3 strikes, but you should read the book, as it addresses that.

Big fan of the advice in the How to Talk series and, to your specific question, I would encourage this one of their books, “How to Talk when Kids Won’t Listen.” Lots of great stuff; I prefer the audiobook at faster speed for parents on the go. Easy during dinner prep and on the way to pick up, etc. 

How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, and Other Challenges of Childhood (The How To Talk Series) https://a.co/d/2NrfwpU

Hugs to you. This is so difficult. My son also hit me a lot when he was 4. He started before 3, but 4 I believe was the most intense time. What helped me the most was reading Janet Lansbury and trying to apply her ideas. I bookmarked this one, which might be a good place to start:

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/03/child-seems-stuck-seeking-negativ…

Her advice wasn't a perfect fit for us because she seems to assume that you really can prevent most blows in kind of a calm and minimalist way (putting out a hand to block, holding their wrist), whereas if I blocked or held my son's hand he would often just go in for a kick. But still, the emotional theory behind what she writes really did ring true, and applying it as best I could helped me a lot. After some time (6 months?) where hitting was a huge issue, things settled down a lot (though rare hits still happen at 6).

I’d recommend talking to a parent coach or parenting consultant. It could be helpful to get adults in your house (and other caregivers) on the same page regarding how to respond and maybe get someone with experience in this area to help formulate and implement a plan.