Potty Training-Doesn't Want To Poop (Ever, 3 Months In)
Hello - I know there have been a lot of questions posted about potty training and poop, but I don't see one on our exact issue.
We potty trained our now 3 year old 3 months ago. He did great with the pee part right away. But he has yet to poop in the potty. He saves it for nap time or bed time when he is in his diaper. The problem is if he has to poop during the day, he actively holds it in and acts tormented. This can go on for awhile especially in the evening. He says it's "scary". He actually started acting this way a little before potty training - he all of a sudden didn't want to poop in his diaper (but still would eventually) which is part of the reason I thought he was ready to potty train, thinking he would rather go in the potty (but, no).
We have tried: reading "Everybody Poops"; "It Hurts When I Poop"; offering him "Poop Prizes" (currently he knows if he poops on the potty he gets a favorite toy he wants and that still doesn't motivate him); having him be in the bathroom when mom and dad poop so he knows it's not scary; having him sit on the potty for extended periods of time especially after eating (that's when he gets to watch TV to get him to stay on it for awhile, I now think he just games that to get to watch TV); massaging his lower back to get it to come out; feeding him prunes...Our pediatrician hasn't had a ton of advice other than what I just mentioned although she did have us start Miralax last week since he was only going every couple of days. (The poop has always been generally soft except one time right before he started Miralax, so I don't think it actually hurts but don't know for sure of course). The Miralax has made him go a little more frequently at night in his diaper, but doesn't solve the tormented-holds-it-in-during-day problem (it actually probably makes that particular issue worse since he probably has to go more now). I do recognize that going frequently is important though so I'm generally on board with it.
Any other suggestions?? Has anyone else gone through this specifically? We are at our wits end, and of course are sad for our poor little guy. :( Are there poop specialists or, I don't know, hypnotists or something?
By by the way, we do put a diaper back on him out of desperation sometimes during the day when he's acting particularly tormented but that doesn't help, he doesn't want to go in that either, so I don't think we can "un-potty train him" now.
Help!!!! Thank you.
Parent Replies
Don't stress so much about your child pooping in the toilet. It will happen. Just give him time. It's normal. And some kids don't go everyday. Sometimes every other day. If your child is crying because he's in pain and needs to poop then it's a problem. The girl I used to watch did the same thing. And she was 3. She would hold in her pool and once I put the diaper on she would poop right away. But eventually she started going on the potty. When they are ready it will happen. Good luck
Hi there,
You can seek out a child psychologist for this issue--they will often be able to treat this--the term for what your son seems to be experiencing is encopresis. I don't know what area you live in but UC Berkeley has a psychology clinic. You can see if your pediatrician also has any referrals for a child psychologist and even if that particular one doesn't work on this condition--they should know someone else to refer you to. You can also look for child clinical psychologist listings on The CA Association of Psychology website, or your local county psych association website e.g., Alameda County Psychologist Association. Sites like Psychology Today also have therapist listings. Of course, depending on your insurance, you may go through their website/services to find a referral as well.
Good luck!!
We went through almost the exact thing. My then 3 year old son potty trained for pee within 3 days, but it took SIX months for him to poop in the potty. Lucky for us, he didn't hold it, because I hear kids who hold too long develop lots of colon problems. My son pooped regularly and normally, but in his diaper. Sometimes he would ask for a diaper and go into a corner, sometimes he would wait till nap or bedtime. We are part of Kaiser and was told that we can get the services of a developmental nurse who can give us phone consults. She was wonderful! She suggested all these great things. But in the end, what worked was her advice to stop potty training for #2 for 6 weeks. During that time, I wasn't allowed to say the word poop, potty, or anything related to potty training. My son did all the initiating. If he asked for a diaper to poop, I quietly gave him one without comment. If he pooped at nap, I quietly changed it with no comment. I didn't criticize, correct, or even praise. He continued to pee in the toilet and he did not wear a diaper during the day, only for naps and bed. Near the end of 6 weeks my son initiated pooping in the potty, and we have never looked back since. If you are not part of Kaiser, see if your insurance offers this type of phone consult. If you don't even have that, then just stop talking about poop for 6 weeks and see what happens. I would stop Miralax. I think doctors over prescribe it and I believe anxious parents get dependent on it. Just offer good fruits and lots of liquids, don't give your son any pressure, and your son will figure it out on his own.
My son did this at that age and he ended up withholding his poop for years after and being on miralax for years. We had to go back to being ok with him pooping in his diaper, just so that it was regular for a long time before we tried anything else. Then we did a porta potty to poop in (somehow he never wanted to go in an actual toilet) that could be wherever he was for ease. He would get an mnm just for sitting on the potty once every half hour for a minute or two. Just to get used to it and also to perhaps catch him going once in a while. All of this was done with no pressure, no charts, no stickers, no praise for pooping or not, no pressure at all, it was just something we did. It took a long time. Years. When withholding, he stretched out his bowels and could hold his poop for a week or more. Then it would inevitably hurt when he finally pooped. Do whatever you can to get him out of this loop. My son was 9/10 before he was finally off miralax and then he reverted with peeing in his pants for a year or two and at night. We finally used an alarm at night and he was cured around age 11. It was a rough road. By putting so much emphasis now and making it a big deal/fight, I fear you are also heading down the same road! Good luck and feel free to reach out to me personally if you'd like to talk more.
I potty trained by son at 3 years as well and initially, he had the same problem and he wouldn't poop on the potty. But I told him that we were out of diapers and that I couldn't get any more so for about a day, he just held it in. But then after that, he had an accident in his underwear... pooped. He was really upset about it and cried.... we had to wash him in the bath tub. I just kept at it. He asked for a diaper a few times and I just said we didn't have any.. we just have the potty..... in a very nice and understanding way.... telling him we were sorry and that we understand that he doesn't like or want to poop in the potty. He had an accident in his underwear again the following day and cried about it. We took him in the bath and wash him off again ... and he doesn't like it at all. The following day, he cried on my shoulders saying he didn't want to poop in the potty, but I gave him a big hug and held him and said, I know... I know... but you are a big boy and so brave.... I know you can do it... and he went to the potty and pooped. I gave him a big reward after that and made sure he knew I was sooo proud of him. After that, he never had a poop accident again and pooped in the potty.
The other option is to keep on providing a diaper for him. I know of a family that has a boy who is 4 years old who can pee in a potty (potty trained at 3 years) but poops in a diapers at home in the evening/night. It seems like your boy is ready for pooping in the potty, but if the diaper option is still available, he won't go for the potty. So it's really up to you what option you want to go with.
Our kid only pooped once a week. We had to do all sorts of gross stuff to keep the toilet from clogging from the mountain of poop. It was awful. This went on until last year and a half when we set a poop alarm every other day for 6pm and the biggest help was the "Squatty Potty." I'm telling you that thing makes pooping comfortable for everyone. Having your knees up higher pulls your body into a position that unkinks the tube and litlerally makes the poop slip out. Find the commecial on Youtube, watch it and then maybe show it to him-he might enjoy it! (It's hilarious.) Happy pooping!
It took my son about 6 months to poop in the potty after being "pee" potty trained. I never thought I'd be the mom who gave my son a diaper to poop in, but I was also at my wits end. Pooping in the potty was scary so he was actively holding it in. It created a situation where he was getting constipated from holding it in so long. What worked was a combination of Miralax and juice, which created a need to go. He would ask for a diaper which I would put on him. Then I told him he was going to have to go in the bathroom. Still with a diaper on, but at least in the right room. Then I had him sit on the potty for 30 seconds, still with a diaper on. The next step was to have him sit on the potty for 30 seconds without the diaper, then I would give it to him so he could poop. Then one day, it miraculously slipped out while he was sitting on the potty! And suddenly, not scary any more. That was about 10 years ago but was such a hard time for me (and him too probably) that I remember it quite vividly. We kept up the Miralax and juice for a few weeks so he had a strong urge to go and it was always soft. Hang in there! Just make a plan for where you want to be and take some baby steps in that direction. What helped me was to remain calm and act like it was no big deal, even though I felt like it totally was! Everybody poops, eventually.
My son was the same, it started around age 2.5 when he had some constipation and it hurt him. The constipation went away, the withholding did not. That's what this is, a withholding problem, not a constipation problem. It's behavioral. I agree that Miralax actually makes it worse because then he's fighting harder to hold - my son has also told me he hates having loose stools. Our solution after almost 2 miserable years of Miralax, yelling, ignoring, etc... was a program called Soiling Solutions. Technically he's never had much soiling, but he has been impacted (hard, dry stool that won't come out, and only liquid poo can get around it, very difficult to clean out). Soiling Solutions is a protocol developed by a psychologist that uses timed potty sits to train the body to release rather than hold. It does involve using suppositories and enemas when the child won't go, and that kept me from trying it for a long time, but I have gotten a lot of support from a developmental pediatrician who thought it was definitely the right thing to do. When we started the program my son was 4 and still in diapers, and he potty trained within a week after we started - no more accidents. Google "soiling solutions" and check it out. If you still want to go the laxative route, we had some luck with Gentle Move from Renew Life (has magnesium), and even Benefiber. We almost never use interventions anymore, and now we can just do ExLax once or twice a week if it seems like he's holding. Bottom line, he has to go every day and he's not allowed to hold - I didn't want to be responsible for him ruining his rectum as a 4 year old, and as his parent, it's on me. Good luck, this is a really difficult thing to deal with.
We just went through 6 months of this with our 3 yr old daughter. She would only poop in diapers. Clearly everything was normal, but she would just hold it all day and wait until night time. We kept thinking she wasn't ready and just didnt want to push her. Finally we took a pile of diapers, and told her when they were finished, that would be the end of using them. We did a countdown every night We gave her some Miralax around the time the diapers ran out, and made a big deal of talking up that she was a big girl now and didn't need them anymore. It was a rough couple of nights, but with no alternative and after going a couple of times she realized it wasn't so bad, and now we have no issues. I would gauge where he is at, and when you think he's ready try to think of a game to let him feel like he has some control in the decision to be fully potty trained. Good luck
So sorry you and your son are going through this. Our son could use the toilet for urination before he was two, but needed a diaper to poop. He also used Miralax for constipation and infrequent poops.
What is your son's preferred position to poop? I figured out that it was more of a positional/muscle coordination problem for my guy. File the rest of this response under "TMI", I helped him to learn how to make those defecation muscles work while in a toilet-sitting position by using a mirror so he could see what efforts on his part were making a difference.
He turns sixteen tomorrow. No diaper! ;)
Good luck and best wishes.
My son's preschool teacher told me to back off on the praise for using the potty. She said it actually creates anxiety that ends up being counter-productive.