How to help teen make friends
My lovely, smart, funny 16 year old daughter has a hard time making connections with other kids. I believe she suffers from social anxiety & spends a lot of time trying to fade into the background, while simultaneously wondering what people think of her. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree I guess- I was pretty similar in HS, and to this day have painful memories of feeling out of place & wishing I could just find my tribe. I carried a lot of shame around for feeling inadequate- missing major milestones like first date, etc, but also developed this into a bit of scorn against the other kids as well (thinking they were trivial or superficial). I often wish I could time travel back in time for a redo- and seeing my daughter suffer the same fate I went through has been tough. In some respects, she has been willing to put herself out there more than I did- had joined sports team, school clubs- but she just can’t seem to break into pre-established cliques.
What can I do to help? I have gently suggested therapy for social anxiety, but I don’t want to push things because I worry that I am only feeding into her insecurities. I was thinking a back packing trip or camp might help with her confidence, but get a lot of resistance for anything with people that she doesn’t know. She has developed a complex that she doesn’t know how to make friends, and I think there may be some truth to this. I’ve heard about these social skills classes, but I’m 100% sure she will resist & be hurt at the suggestion.
She has a couple of good friends and does well in school- for the most part she doesn’t seem depressed or have serious struggles- am I overthinking this?
Parent Replies
Yes, you are over thinking this and you have already done too much. She has good grades and good friends. That is great!!
You should be complementing her, not criticizing her.
I think the majority of adolescents suffer from some degree of social anxiety at some point, whether they have dozens of friends or none. Having been through this with our own daughter (who, at 33, has dozens of friends and work allies), I don't blame you for worrying; I do question why you think pre-established cliques are the answer for her. (And would they, in fact, have been an answer for you?) Maybe your girl is a late bloomer, socially speaking--so what? She has a few close friends, earns good grades, and joins teams and clubs, all which sounds pretty healthy to me. Social connection is a skill she'll learn in her own time and way.
I do think you are overthinking it. It's pretty normal for moms to overlay their own histories on their girls and it sounds kind of like what you are doing. It's always been tough out there to be a high school girl if you are not one of the 'popular' ones.
My daughter was the same, but super involved in things. She found her core group of friends, they are kind of the 'nerdy' kids (2 going to UCLA this fall!) as far as how they were perceived, but you know what? - they are amazing kids and I adore them all! Compared to the fake and drama filled 'popular' circle at her HS these kind and smart ones were the kids I would have chosen for her anyway!
She also says she has 'social anxiety' I swear they get this from social media, all the pathologizing of their traumas! It drives me nuts! Mine is headed off to college and I know she will continue to be involved and make amazing friends and her 'social anxiety' will dissolve as her studies give her less time for wondering what is 'wrong' with her after viewing so much social media and she matures to understand she is just like everyone else. I trust your daughter will to! (p.s. I'm all for a couple of good friends - that's all it takes - the women I know with 'tons' of great friends are all pretty plastic imho)