School Aged Kids Not Eating Enough
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Archived Q&A and Reviews
- 7 year old with eating disorder?
- 5 year old is crying over food at family meals
- Five year old is a skimpy eater (except for dessert)
7 year old with eating disorder?
June 2011
My 7-yo daughter has always been a picky eater, but recently refuses to eat anything but pasta, pizza, sweets and juice. When I don't give in to her demands, she won't eat anything. She is concerned about getting ''fat'' even though she is naturally very lean and long. She also says no food in the world (except the aforementioned) tastes good, it's a chore to eat, and she doesn't want to eat when she's unhappy (which is often.) Additionally, she is having major tantrums and generally defiant/difficult behavior. She screams when asked to comply with basic requests and goes into frequent crying fits saying things like I've ruined her life because I never played with her when she was younger (not true), and it's too late to do anything about it now. I've spoken to her pediatrician and my therapist about this, but would like more recommendations. I would greatly appreciate any referrals/recommendations for play therapists, nutritionists, books, eating disorders centers who have dealt with similar issues. Thank you very much. Worried Mom
Make meals for your family and eat what you have prepared to model normal eating patterns for your daughter. Don't provide pizza, pasta, sweets and juice. As far as I know, 7-year-olds don't have eating disorders. If your daughter is concerned about getting fat I wonder where she is hearing that type of message. As a mom of two daughters, I've never heard any of that in my household.
It sounds like you need to create meal-time routines for your kid and spend meaningful time with her. My hunch is that she is asking for more time with you and trying to get attention through her picky eating. In my opinion she doesn't need any specialists, she simply needs your attention and proper modeling. Have fun and spend more time playing with her and preparing healthy and delicious meals together and I bet her behavior will improve. Good luck. mom of healthy teen daughters
Wouldn't have posted, because I am no expert, but I saw a posting with a message that didn't acknowledge that there might really be a psychological problem. Sure, you can try positive feedback methods. No point in creating big issues if small intervention will work. However, if that doesn't work... I received one of those medical magazines from Sutter health, I think. It talked about their eating disorder clinic in San Francisco. Most common ages are in the teen / preteen, but they mentioned treating kids in the 7-9 year old range as well. psychological factors are real. wishing your family health
5 year old is crying over food at family meals
Jan. 2004
I'm hoping for some advice! It seems to be an issue with my husband and I lately, so I thought I'd ask other parents their opinion. We have a 5-yr-old and a 2-yr-old. I usually cook most of our dinner meals, and I have a pretty good idea of what our two daughters will eat. So I don't often try too many new recipes, but cook a few simple meals that I know they will eat.
Last night my husband cooked dinner. He made a casserole dish and I just knew the kids wouldn't go for it, but I didn't want to intervene. So of course, he dished out the food, and our 2-yr-old was not interested at all! Our 5-yr-old looked at the food with a sad face and began to cry a little bit, saying that she didn't think she would like it. My husband got upset because he put all the work into making the meal and she wouldn't at least try it first. Alas, I talked to her and she did actually eat some of it and stopped being sad.
This scenario has happened before. My husband hates to see our 5-yr-old cry over things like food. He says it makes him sad, too. I say, go ahead and let her be sad if she wants to and talk her through it. And then I try and encourage her to taste the food before she decides if she likes it, or not. (The crying is another issue. I say it is o.k. to cry and my husband gets upset over her crying for seemingly little things).
I really don't want this tension or negativeness around eating. Eating should be enjoyable, with the family sitting around the table. My husband expects our 5-yr-old to eat what is served her. I realize that kids have likes and dislikes, but how far do we go in enforcing what she eats?
My parents used to make me sit at the table sometimes until I finished a meal. (It was probably lima beans or brussel sprouts!) I would never do that to my kids. Anyways, every parent wants their child to eat healthily. How is the best way to deal with picky eating at the dinner table? I want her to eat, but I don't want to be so strict about it. (I am not as worried about our 2-yr-old...I just offer her what we are eating and if she eats that is great).
I didn't mean to write so much, but it is all so fresh in mind. Any advice would be much appreciated! Alexis
Hi. We have twins, age 5. One is an omnivore; the other is more selective. I got a book when they were younger, ''Feeding Your Child for Lifelong Health'', with a few strategies for picky eaters; basically the author says to remove all pressure and serve lots of variety. She also has a ''rule of ten'' or something, meaning don't give up on a food until you've offered it ten times (not in the course of one meal, however!). I've followed her advice since the kids started solids and credit it with the relatively nutritious diet they follow today. Having twins gives us the advantage of realizing just how much/little control we have over forming their appetites; mine have had their ''omnivore'' and ''more selective'' predispositions from the get-go, and I've fed them both the same from the beginning. But the strategies I learned from this book (which places a huge emphasis on nutrition) may well have saved the picky eater from a nutrition-free life.
We, too, place a big emphasis on enjoying mealtimes. I try to ensure this in two ways: We do occasionally make things that they won't eat, and in that case we offer the same labor-free alternative every time: bread and cheese (or rice and cheese if there is some left over from another meal). I also serve vegetables at snack time (usually steamed broccoli, cauliflower or carrots with or without parmesan cheese), because if it's the only thing to eat, they clean it up. When vegetables have to compete with other things on a plate, they invariably get left (by the selective eater; the omnivore eats everything). That way, I'm sure they're getting what they need at some point in the day, so we can all relax at mealtime. That said, we strictly enforce a ''no sweets without 'growing food' first'' rule, and limit sweets to once a week (although the holidays are killers!). This does act as an incentive! Focused on Food and Fun
Well, my kids are pretty much the same ages as yours, and we have precisely the same issues and even a similar mealtime dynamic at our dinner table. It is incredibly disheartening to cook a meal (often one that I think my kids ought to like, esp. when it is something like a casserole or soup, and I know they like all the component parts) and have it be summarily rejected without a taste. For my older child, we have the ''one-bite rule.'' He has to eat one bite of most foods, and if he doesn't like it, we let it go. (At least, I do -- his dad needs to be reminded about the rule sometimes). We will implement this rule with our younger son when he's older. We make an exception to the rule for food we know won't go over well, mostly highly spiced or strongly flavored foods, in which case we'll often make an easy entree (e.g. pasta or toasted cheese) for the kids. I don't usually make special foods to tempt their appetites, and if they refuse their dinner, they don't get other foods, apart from maybe a banana or something like that. Wendy
I think ''Eat Your Dinner'' is somewhat draconian -- the goal is a child that enjoys eating with the family and eventually eats a variety of foods. I don't think forcing will get there. I think it's only fair that your child get some familiar, healthy foods at each meal. Think about how you'd feel if you wandered into a restaurant that served a cuisine you'd never had before and were forced to eat whatever they chose to give you. (Like going back to the 50s and having to eat fried liver, overcooked brussel sprouts, and jello.) We usually have some child friendly food available at every meal (pasta or rice or cheerios and carrots or green beans), then we put a little of the new food on the plate (when my daughter was younger, sometimes we put it on a separate plate), and ask her/tell her to try it. If she doesn't like it she can spit it out (we learned this technique from one of my husband's collegues who had an older child, who was willing to try almost anything). We've also had discussions about the value of trying new foods, and theoretically my daughter agrees that it's good to try new foods. The other side of this is adult expectation -- I'm the person who prepares most of the food in my house, and I've learned that my daughter is almost never going to eat much of an unfamiliar food, so I shouldn't get too invested in preparing something special, unless it's for my husband and myself. Good luck. avoid the food wars
The conventional wisdom seems to be: Serve your children the same food you eat, and expect them to at least try it. But don't force them to eat or punish them for failing to finish their food. (Teach them how to politely not eat what's served them. This is a more important social skill than many realize.) And try to provide a varied, nutritious diet (don't fall into the trap of always having tater tots yourself because your kids like them) but if you're faced with a picky eater, try to include at least one thing at each meal that you know the picky eater will like -- say, always have dinner rolls or carrot sticks as a side dish if the main dish is new or disliked. A night or two of bread and milk for dinner never hurt anyone, and offering it at dinner is better than allowing her to get you to fix her a special snack when she's starving before bedtime.
You might want to read _How to Get Your Children To Eat (But Not Too Much)_ -- I've forgotten the author's name. I haven't read it myself but many of my friends, especially those with a history of ''food issues'' themselves, recommend it.
About the crying, I have no advice. I've been at something of a loss to deal with similar behavior in my own son! But fortunately, my husband and I don't seem to have any major conflicts over how to handle it, at least. Sounds like you and your husband need to have a little heart-to-heart about that one, and agree on what you'll do and whose 'rules' will apply in what situations. anon
I think that it does not make sense to force kids to eat things they don't like or want. I do encourage my son to taste things before rejecting them, but don't make a big deal of it, and if he eats little or nothing some nights, I just let it go. He's clearly not starving. If I make something that I know my son doesn't like (say chili, which is too spicy for him), I try to make at least one thing that he DOES like (say cornbread) as part of the regular meal; and I try to always offer at least one vegetable that I know he will eat at every meal (I keep some frozen, so that if my husband and I have asparagus, I can give my son some carrots). He can also always request applesauce after the meal is over. If your husband wants to make ''different'' food, you could also offer a vegetable or bread that the the 5-year-old does like, and then just not make a big fuss. If she's amenable to a bit of VERY GENTLE persuasion to try a bite, great; otherwise, let it be. My parents forced me to eat fishsticks, which I hated. I was an adult before I would even try anything that had spent a major portion of its life cycle in the water, and even now, though I like fish, I sometimes have difficulty eating it. Karen
While I agree that it is important to not cater to evey whim of your child, and it is good that she at least try new foods before deciding she doesn't like them, I think it is unreasonable to force anyone to eat something they don't like. (How would you like it if you went out to eat and someone else ordered something for you that you didn't like and then made you eat it?) Definitely make different foods now and then, but I wouldn't pressure the kids to eat any particular amount more than a taste. You don't have to make a separate meal for them, just allow them to subsitute something easily made (like peanut butter, cheese, yogurt, bread, fruit, etc.) if they don't like the main course. It definitely doesn't seem worthwhile to turn the dinner table into a battle ground. Good luck! Frances
Five year old is a skimpy eater (except for dessert)
Feb 2003
My 5 year old daughter eats most things that I fix for dinner, but will often balk at eating more than a few bites. She claims to not be hungry. I don't want to force her to eat, so will require only that she sit with us until we have mostly finished and then she can be excused. The problem comes when I occasionally fix a dessert. She always can find room for dessert, even if she was ''too full'' to finish her dinner. How should I handle this? I usually either require that she eat a few more bites of her dinner before she can have dessert or I pull dessert out after she has gone to bed. In the first scenario, she will want to know how many bites she has to eat of everything when she sits down for dinner ''to get dessert'' and I feel like I am bribing her to eat. In the second scenario, my husband and I are eating dessert right before our bed-time, which is not ideal. How do you handle dessert in your home? Rachel
Well, I could have written your post! Our 4.5-year-old daughter is much the same as yours (except for the part about eating most of what we serve). She ate anything when she was a baby/toddler, and it went downhill from there, alas. We don't always have dessert, but when we do our daughter pulls the same exactly line about how many bites she has to eat in order to be able to get dessert. She also claims to not want anymore, but has lots of room for dessert. I don't really have any answers to this dilemma, alas, but will look forward to reading others' responses. Oh, and by the way, my husband and I DO usually wait until after our daughter has gone to sleep to have dessert to avoid the whole dessert scenario. Lori
I sesnse you are uncomfortable using dessert as a bribe - so don't. If you only make dessert once in a while, it is part of the meal. Of course most kids prefer sweets, but if it is seen as a reward, the other food will be seen as the unpleasant chore that must be endured to reach the reward. If she is a small eater, give her a small portion of every food being served. It really shouldn't matter what order they are eaten in, if the dessert portion isn't so huge it fills her up. I believe there is nothing wrong with explaining (teacing) that we eat less of sweet and fat-full foods because they are not as healthy for us, but I don't think it should be tied to how much ''healthy'' food we already ate. In fact, this could lead to eating more than we need (most of us do that!). If there is dessert, perhaps it SHOULD take the place of some other foods, rather than being eaten in ADDITION to what we'd eat anyway (''save room for dessert''). If only healthy foods are usually offered, and she eats enough of that to be growing well, I don't think it's worth making a big issue about the occasional dessert. R.K.
Perhaps try making healthy dessert (fresh fruit etc.) and just serve it with dinner. And give a multivitamin every day. anon
What if you made sure that dessert was at least somewhat nutritious (e.g. fruit-based)? Or what if you only served dessert once in a while, rather than every night, and then served it as a matter of course, no matter how much of dinner was eaten? I think that dessert should not be used as a reward for eating a meal -- that has two possible undesirable results. First that dessert is the most desirable of all foods, second that one must eat a certain amount of a meal (or even clean one's plate), even when not particularly hungry. Both of these can result in a weight problem. I had a ''clean your plate to get dessert'' philosophy in my family as a child, and I have struggled with a weight problem, and a love of sweets, most of my life. I now have been diagnosed with diabetes -- at the relatively young age of 40. anonymous
Some things to remember: appetites in children vary with growth rates; 5 year olds are not growing too quickly and will have smaller appetites. Mealtimes can easily turn into power struggles, which have nothing to do with the food being served, and the parent will never win!
So I recommend letting your child eat the amount she wants, with no comments from adults. If you are going to serve dessert, then let her have it. If you do not want her to have dessert, then don't have it available.
To avoid the power struggle, we have started having fruit only for dessert: fresh, canned, dried. And that is the only option, this takes away the struggle for control. Once a week we will usually have another dessert. pediatric RD
Ah, this reminds me of our home! I have a 5 1/2 yr. old who eats like a bird, but always seems to have room for dessert. She will take a few bites of dinner, then say that she is full, but suddenly have room for dessert. I found that we were going down the same path -- she'd ask how much she had to eat to get dessert. Finally, I wised up. I gave her what I felt was a legitimate amount of food for dinner (much less than her 4 year old sister, I might add, but a bit more than she usually eats). When she said that she was full, I would tell her, ''Ok, if you're full, stop eating. That's fine.'' Our rule is that she still had to sit while the rest of us ate and until her sister was finished. If she asked for dessert, I tell her, ''Our rule is that you have to eat your dinner before you have dessert. You still have food left. If you are full, that is fine, but we'll save dessert for tomorrow.'' When we get the question, ''How many bites do I have to eat?'' we tell her, ''We don't bargain over dinner. If you are full, you may take your dish off and go play.'' Often, she will finish up and have dessert, but almost as often, she will take her dish off, and that's that. I think she tries it to see what we'll give in to, but I refuse to play the game, so she either finishes up if she really wants dessert, or moves on. I am adamant about not getting into the food battle, so we just state the rule and let her go from there. It worked for us! trish
We recently faced a very similar issue with our 2.5 year old. He goes to sleep a bit late (9:30 pm), so we have taken to giving him a snack before bed. At dinner, he eats what we eat, but at snack he eats pretty much what he likes (fruit, crackers, ice cream, cookies, ...). Since he clearly likes the snack better, he was beginning to eat little dinner and then ask for a lot of snack food. We, of course, wanted him to eat more dinner than snack. We were able to solve this problem very quickly by requiring that he finish his dinner (yes, all of it) before getting any snack.
We also started giving him smaller, more reasonable portions for dinner. Before, we used to give him more than he could eat, and then we wouldn't be sure how much he had eaten and he could easily manipulate us with the 'is one more bite enough' negotiation. If the portion is smaller, we can require that he finish it.
If he eats very little dinner and says he's done, he doesn't have to eat it right then, but he gets the same plate of dinner back at snacktime. He pretty much immediately complied and now finishes his dinner every night (either at dinner time or at snack time). The important thing is to give reasonable portions. If your daughter wants dessert, she has to clean her plate first. If you don't waffle and you don't give her any indication that you might ever bend this rule, she'll probably come around pretty quickly (if she wants dessert). Definitely don't go down the 'how many more bites is enough' road. She'll beat you every time! And don't let her talk you into the idea that you gave her too much and give her dessert without her finishing dinner. If you bend the rule once, she'll expect you to again and you'll be back where you started. You can try it with pretty small portions at first to make it easier.
On some days, my son is more hungry than usual, finishes his dinner, and then still asks for a lot of snack food. If the snack is getting too big, I'll pull out more dinner for him, and if he's truly hungry (and not gorging on snacks), he'll eat more dinner also (followed by more snack, of course!) Susanna
When I was a girl, my parents go so tired of my brothers and me demanding dessert the moment dinner was served that they began to require us to eat our dessert first! This had the effect of making us really want to eat our dinner. I remember that the ''dessert thing'' was a power issue between the kids and the parents, and once we had ''won'' we discovered we felt disturbed by the overturning of the right order of things--dinner first, then dessert.
I didn't to this with my kids, maybe because demands for dessert never were a big problem. Asking for snack at bedtime can have a number of causes. I think all the responders to this post make good points, and it's up to you to figure out what is going on with your child. If you are feeling manipulatd, you probably are. A skimpy eater needs to learn to eat when food is available. Having your child go to bed hungry once in a while won't cause any harm (except maybe to you; it's a hard thing to do). Occasionally, a child really is hungry at bedtime; I would tend to allow a snack to a child who had eaten well at dinner because s/he might be having a growth spurt. If it became a regular thing, I'd close down the snack bar at a set time. Louise
Hi! I'm sorry - that sounds so stressful. When my little one was younger we had a few issues getting him up and running on solids and our pediatrician referred us to Priya Ingram. She is based in San Francisco but we had two meetings with her and she was wonderful and we got a lot of support and helpful tips. https://www.connectedkidzsf.com/priya-ingram
Hope your little one is eating more, soon! Take care!
This must be hard to go through. I was a picky eater around that age (lasted years!) and it drove my parents absolutely bonkers. It's a subject I've paid a lot of attention to as a new mother. The best resource I've come across is Solid Starts. There are lots of resources - guides, courses, an app (and a great Instagram page) - that can provide tips to try and practices to avoid. It is geared towards babies and toddlers but maybe the picky eating behavior content is relevant for you. I saw recently that they are also considering some 1:1 coaching but may require an email to them for more info. Best of luck and hope your little girl is back to her usual self soon!
This is a tough one. I am no expert other than parenting 2 kids of my own, but what about her favorite foods? Even if you just got her to eat a slice of cake you'd be better off by getting calories in her and getting her used to eating again. A trip to a favorite bakery? Candy store? Go see a movie and give her ice cream?? That's the route I'd go. I don't know too many 5 year olds that would pass up ice cream or cake or cookies, etc. At this point it doesn't even have to be nutritious as long as she's getting calories in (and will help if you can supplement with ensure or other liquid with vitamins).
Beyond that, I would let her know that if she can't manage to eat food she will have to go to the hospital and get an IV - I was never above telling it like it was to my kids, even at 5, which is surely old enough to understand what that means. My kids knew what hospitals were and what they were for from a very young age. The reality is that if she refuses to eat she's going to get pretty sick, so you might as well be honest. Good luck!
Has she expressed to you why she doesn’t want to eat any solid foods? She might be remembering how awful her stomach felt during her bout with the stomach bug and is avoiding foods because she doesn’t want that feeling again. I know when I had the stomach flu as a young kid, I couldn’t face any of the foods I had eaten at the time of getting sick for a long time. Similarly when I was pregnant, I couldn’t stomach the smell of swordfish for almost 2 years after giving birth, so I can relate.
Does she tolerate soup or semi solid foods? I would start with something bland that doesn’t smell or cause irritation to the stomach (ie chicken broth and saltines) and build up to more flavors. If she is accepting of the smoothies, lean into that and make sure to add protein and other nutrients to supplement her until she’s eating more.
If this persists, this is a question for medical professionals and they can refer you accordingly if they are concerned.
Sorry to hear this! She may have ARFID (Avoidant Resistant Food Intake Disorder) triggered by the virus. There are a lot of good podcasts on the subject and eating disorder specialists or child therapists who can help, especially Cognitive-Behavioral therapists. Hope she improves soon.
If it hasn't even been a week yet, and she's well hydrated (and drinking smoothies!), it's safe to back off. Don't make it a power play. Children will not starve themselves, she's rightfully wary of food at the moment, and will work her way back. It's your job to offer foods off her "safe" list (the foods she usually loves) and it's her job to decide if and how much she eats. She likely just needs a few more positive, gentle eating experiences to prove to herself that she won't get sick again. Stomach bugs are super powerful experiences for little kids!
HIGHLY recommend you refer to the Good Inside website/podcast/Instagram for this - SO MANY resources that will change your perspective on this struggle for life. I promise you won’t regret it
What a frightening situation. I'm sorry.
I wish I had specific practitioners to direct you to, but I don't. What I can offer is some potential understanding. ARFID is a condition that may describe what your daughter is experiencing. There are three types; she may fit into the post-traumatic category. AFRID was only entered into the DSM in the last update. Not many practitioners are familiar with the term, much less how to treat it. At least, that was my experience with my son. He was diagnosed at the Stanford Eating Disorder Clinic several years ago, but we were not able to find appropriate follow up care. My hope is that with the passage of time, more practitioners are familiar with this condition, and you will able to find one in your area.
At any rate, I hope this information lets you know you are not alone, and this is a serious situation that needs attention, care, and compassion. In my limited experience of one, the root of the problem was emotional, not physical, and needed to be addressed as such. My son is much older than your daughter, very strong-willed, and has found ways to manage his highly restrictive eating.
If she will tolerate smoothies then you can also add blended oats to add calories, flax seeds, chia seeds, veg etc to add nutrition and work with her to build up flavours and textures. Find out what it is that is off putting to her and use gradual, low pressure exposure to ease her into solids again. Soft healthy muffins may work? Maybe involve her in cooking if that helps?
If it persists then I would probably ask for help from a pediatric nutritionist
good luck!
When out daughter was seven, her dad was hospitalized with necrotizing fasciitis and she got the mistaken idea, from listening around the edges of adult conversations, that it was from something he ate. So she stopped eating. After a week I found a therapist and eventually got her eating again by making a list of what she thought were “bad” foods, that I promised not to put on her plate. Her diet was unhealthy and very restricted for months, but with her dad in the icu, I didn’t have time to focus on her lack of nutrition. Over the next six months she broadened what she’d eat, and as long as I didn’t make a big deal about it - she would eat. Especially if I let the kids eat somewhere different, like the backyard or with the tv on, it was almost like the novelty distracted her. She’s now 19 and apart from living junk food too much, her diet is fine. Try to figure out what she thinks is safe & then build from there.
My son had his first stomach bug around 4yo specifically after he ate a plain arepa and since then, he won't eat arepas (it's been 2 years). I am sorry that your daughter has developed strong aversion to solid food at the moment. I don't have good advice for getting professionals involved, but have you tried involving your daughter in food prep? In general this has really helped me kids get involved with eating, when they are meals they have prepared. Maybe something simple like spreading nutella on toast. Good luck!