sadness over gender of new baby

I was in your shoes a couple of years ago.  Really wanted a girl and found out I was having a boy.  It helped that my husband wanted a boy so he was happy, which made it easier for me in a way since I knew it was 50-50 and at least one of us got the wanted gender.  It actually is the hardest during pregnancy when you are planning, buying clothes, designing nursery etc, and are constantly reminded about the gender when choosing color scheme or picking out clothes.  It got immensely easier once the baby was born and I started feeling the love for the baby.  After a while, I just love my kid so much, the gender no longer matters and I see the positives about the gender I did get and my amazing little boy.   Don't feel guilty about feeling disappointed, but admit to yourself that it is what you are feeling and it is normal and then let it go.  Once you see your baby, you will love him or her no matter the gender, so don't let it worry you.  

I too was hysterically sad when I found out the gender on my second (and also last) child. Once I got the courage to admit it to other moms, I found out that it was not uncommon. I hope others will let you know this too! For me, #2 was the opposite gender from #1, and part of my panic was that I knew how to be a mom to the gender of #1, because I'd been doing that for years and I think that it revealed some of my insecurities as a parent. I can't believe how much I delight in kid #2 now. I treasure our connection even more so because I wasn't expecting it to be so strong. I think that when we are pregnant and when we are parents, there is often so much stuff out of our control, and I felt like I would have had more control if I had gotten the gender I wanted. I hope that makes sense. Do talk about this with people who you know are good listeners. I wish you the best. 

Convinced throughout my first pregnancy that I was pregnant with a girl, I was surprised when I had a boy.  When I was pregnant with my second and final child, I chose to find out the sex because I knew if it was another boy, I would be disappointed.  I wanted time to work through that disappointment so that when baby arrived, I could just be happy he was healthy.  Now, 16 years into this parenting gig, I feel like desiring a baby of a particular sex makes about as much sense as desiring a baby with a particular hair color.  Not to invalidate your feelings -- it's just that sex actually seems to me like a very minor determinant of personality.  My older son is extremely affectionate and loving and close to me.  Would he be closer if he were a daughter?   I don't think so.  I have also heard stories about women who got the daughter they always wanted, only to find they were not close because of different personalities.  In the short run, you feel disappointed, but in the long run, you will not.  

Wishing you a happy healthy baby!

I feel your pain and was sort of in your shoes. I was afraid to have a son. I had a daughter, and I wanted a second daughter. This was such an intense feeling of want, desire, and longing, and it was hard to come to wrap my arms around having a boy. It didn't help at the time that I knew many two and three girl families and didn't see or know many boy families. Those feelings went away following the birth of my son. I just loved him so much. I think the "before" time is much worse and that once they arrive in the world, you've got an actual person to focus on and love! I do think that if I had two boys, my longing for a daughter was so strong that I would have considered adoption. If you don't feel like your family is complete after two children, perhaps that might be a consideration for you? I laugh now when I look back and remember that I was scared to parent a boy. My son, now a teen, brings so much joy .

My coworker, who is now a grandmother, still shares that she feels disappointed that she didn't have a girl. She absolutely loves her two boys and they seem to have a fantastic relationship, even now that they are adults and live away from home. She will talk about how she always wanted to be a mom to a girl and feels jealous of other moms she knows that had girls. I appreciate her honesty and want to reassure you that what you are feeling is completely ok. It's ok to feel disappointed. It's ok to grieve the life you wanted to have but won't. If anything, acknowledging those feelings are much healthier in the long term than pretending you aren't upset.

You are not alone - I think more of us have some disappointment about our baby's gender at some point or another than we might admit. I was pretty low after discovering I was having a 3rd child of the same gender...fast-forward 5 years, and I still have occasional flashes of jealousy about people who got "one of each," but really, I love my kids, and the gender doesn't matter as much in the long run as it seems to when you're prepping for baby, picking a name, constantly getting asked the gender....Accept that it's okay to be a little sad, work through the sadness, and then focus on the positives - it's a process; in a way you're grieving not having the child you imagined, so think about it in terms of the stages of grief.  Then trust that once the baby comes, you'll be too thrilled (and exhausted) to worry about it!

Your description was me to a T with my second baby. We were only planning on having two kids. After having my son, both my husband and I really wanted a girl so we could have one of each. We also really wanted a girl as a tribute to my late mother-in-law who always wanted a daughter, but only had sons. She had a name she had picked out if she had a daughter, which we planned to use if we had a girl.

After we found out we were having another boy, we both grieved a little. Obviously we were happy that the baby was healthy but after so many months of hoping for a girl, we needed time to get over our disappointment. We also felt a little bit like a failure in not being able to honor my mother-in-law with a girl. With the sonogram, it was VERY obvious the baby was a boy so there was no chance that there was any error in the reading. I was actually surprised that my husband was as disappointed as me about the news, which helped me feel better. After a while, I started getting into the positives of having another little boy – I can reuse the same clothes, we can stick to the same potty training routine (i.e. my husband’s job - We agreed that he would train the boys and I the girls.), no need to buy new decorations for the baby room, etc., my disappointment lessened. I also had friends that went through the same situation and it helped that I could get a sympathetic ear to talk to.

Now that my second little boy is here, I am pretty much over my disappointment. He is a wonderful, lovable little boy who I love to pieces. However, I am constantly asked by people, “Are you sure you don’t want to try for a girl?”

We are so busy with home and work that I’m pretty sure I’m sticking with just two. :)

I feel you, as I also had this concern. One thing that helped was that I read a really good article (I think on Huffington Post, though I can't find it now) written by a dad with two girls, about not having a boy. He said that a lot of people asked him if he was sad he didn't have a boy, and whether he would try for one. So he wrote a list of all the things he would miss out on by not having a boy, and essentially couldn't come up with anything solid. I did a similar list, and also couldn't come up with anything that I would truly miss out on.

We place so much emphasis on gender in our society, and we habitually predict personality traits based on gender. When really, every person has their own individual characteristics that have nothing to do with what genitals they have - as you have rightly said. When I found out I was having another boy, I thought he would be just the same as his older brother. but as it turns out, he is completely different.

Having said all of that, I think it's important to grieve for the boy/girl that you'll never have. Allow yourself to go through that process and really feel it. And like the other commenter said, once the baby is born you will love him/her!

Yes!  Good for you for voicing it and reaching out.  I was disappointed and had to work through it, but now I am very happy with how life worked out.  (This has also been true for quite a few of my friends.)  My son is eight now, but here is a blog entry I wrote when he was a baby:  http://journeyleaf.typepad.com/journeyleaf/2009/12/its-a-boy.html

We had an experience a bit like this one: knew we were likely only going to have one child, had "a definite feeling" about the sex, had chosen a deep-rooted family legacy name (5+ generations) that we were planning to pass down, and then learned that the child's presumptive assigned gender was not the one that fit the name. So had to set expectations aside and reimagine who our baby was going to be. It was an intermittent emotional/psychological challenge through the latter stages of the pregnancy, but once baby arrived, it truly did stop mattering. As you said, genitals determine very little of who a person is going to be, and biological sex sets no rules for personality, interests, or favorite color.

Hello,

you are definitely not alone, don't feel ashamed of your feelings, they are yours, they are valid and they don't make you a bad mom. When I found out I was having a girl I cried for a week. People must have thought I was insane but I had my reasons which made a lot of sense to me. One of which was that I struggled pretty much my whole life with body image issues and in my mind it's the fate of all women in this world. I was afraid to bring another girl into this world who would suffer as much as I did. On the advice of my midwife, I went to see a psychologist (which to be honest I thought was going to be pretty useless) but it gave me some reliefs and some ideas on how to hopefully raise a strong girl. I still had a lot of sadness and apprehensions on having a girl but I also knew I had no choice so I should just trust what people kept on telling me "Once she will be born, it won't matter what she is and you will love her". My daughter is now 2,5 yr old, those feelings are long gone and If I had a 2nd child I would actually prefer to have another girl as that's what I know now but I have also realized that no matter what the gender is I will love my kid as much.